# How do I forgive ?



## Bonito (Nov 17, 2008)

I just finished posting a thread on the TTMB on whether or no to go to a wedding. My daughters best friend. As I was typing it I realized just how much unforgiveness I harbor for my ex-wife and her husband. I thought he was one of my best friends. I thought she was a faithful wife. They had an affair for 2 years before my wife left me. 7 years later, I still get angry with them both. As hard as I try to be a good Christian, I'm having a tough time forgiving them. I know this is not how God wants me to feel. How can I get past this ?


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## fuelish1 (Aug 3, 2004)

It's not always black and white, life is mostly gray, but you my friend, are the one who has nothing to be ashamed of, you were the one who behaved, they are the ones who broke your trust and did something wrong. Life is too short to dwell on things that you cannot control, forgive them, for they will get what theirs later....(karma) and living your own life on your terms and being happy is alot better than harboring ill feelings about things from the past that you cannot control. I'm not saying be their best friend, nor do you have to do more than just ignore them, but dont let something nor someone else dictate your happiness. You are already the bigger person, so done lower yourself to their level by doing anything that will make you look bad, going to the wedding could be a fun event, and who knows...YOU might even meet someone nice while you are there having a good time! (if you allow yourself to do it) Good luck, and I say , GO, and have a good time and don't let anyone rain on your parade!


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## sharphooks (May 4, 2005)

Don't go. If it was your daughters wedding then yes but it's her best friend why go. if you still have theses feelings then the best thing to do is not go and not cause a problem for someone elses wedding. Until you are over the unforegiveness. Now is your daughter staying with you or your ex.


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## haparks (Apr 12, 2006)

go--its part of the healing process


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## Titus Bass (Dec 26, 2008)

Look at your life forward not backward. You cannot change the past but you can your future. Let it go and live your life for you and yours. Your ex and your ex-friend should not even concern you. I know it's hard (been there) but keep your faith and move ahead for yourself. You may never be able to forgive but you can forget.


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## GreenGrubber (Apr 6, 2009)

sharphooks said:


> Don't go. If it was your daughters wedding then yes but it's her best friend why go. if you still have theses feelings then the best thing to do is not go and not cause a problem for someone elses wedding. Until you are over the unforegiveness. Now is your daughter staying with you or your ex.


Both of my daughters stayed with me when my Ex left. My older daughter and her husband are with me now due to repairing thier house from Ike. My younger daughter is still living with me. She has 1 year left in college. They are world to me and they both always come to dad for everything.


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## Livininlogs (Oct 12, 2005)

God wants us to forgive. Jesus did it for us and this is what is expected of us. When we harbor these feelings it opens the door for the devil to come in and take control. As a Human it is not easy but not impossible. I still have a few deep seated unforgivens I am working on now but to walk the path God wants you to be on these feelings have to be let go. Harboring these emotions also keep you from continuing with your life. "She's a nice lady but she'll just do the same thing my Ex did." or "he's a good guy but I can't get too close to him because of what _______ did to me". 

Now this is the hard part tell this person you for give them, was real hard for me but Ask God for the strength and peace of heart to tell this person you hurt me but I forgive you and I had to tell you to get on with my life. Don't set your self up though to forgive does not mean to put yourself back in the same situation with this person that they can hurt again. Forgivness is an expectation from our Lord


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## daparson (Dec 4, 2004)

*Lesson on Forgiveness*

This is alot of information on Forgiveness. The reason I put this here is that there is much misunderstanding about Forgiveness. This is a long post - maybe too much information for those who want instant and easy resolution - but Forgiveness requires a thorough explanation - it is complicated - especially when there has been abuse - broken trust - shattered relationships involved.

I will help in anyway I can ...... *Is Total Forgiveness Realistic?*



*Ephesians 4:29 (NIV) Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. *
*Without forgiveness, there is no freedom. Without forgiveness, there is no recovery. Without forgiveness, there is no healing.*

But in a world with so much pain, so much hatred, so much animosity between races, tribes, clans, nations, is total forgiveness realistic or is it just a distant dream, a theory that can never become reality? The question is fair and honest and deserves an answer. 

Let's begin with the observation that the forgiveness of sins is a major biblical doctrine. The Bible has a great deal to say about God's forgiveness of our sins because that is where salvation really begins.

*"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us" (Psalm 103:12).

"If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness" (Psalm 130:3-4).

"You have put all my sins behind your back" (Isaiah 38:17).

"I* *yes, I alone **a**m the one who blots out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again" (Isaiah 43:25 NLT).

"You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!" (Micah **7:19** NLT)

"Everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name" (Acts **10:43**).

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins according to the riches of his grace" (Ephesians 1:7).*

*No matter what else I may say about forgiveness in this sermon, let's clearly understand that salvation begins with our forgiveness by God.* If God did not forgive us, we would have to shoulder our sins forever, weighed down under a load of guilt that could never be removed.

But the Bible also has a lot to say about our forgiveness of the sins of others against us. Here are two examples:

* "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" (Mark **11:26**).

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians **4:32**)*
.
Several points might be made regarding these twin towers of forgiveness. 
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*First, Christianity is supremely a religion of forgiveness*. It begins with God and comes down to us. 
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*Second, God only has one solution to the problem of human sin** -**the act of forgiveness.* If we do not accept his solution, no other will be offered. 
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*Third, God himself has shown us how to forgive others.* We are to do for others what he has done for us. 
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]*Fourth, there is a direct connection between our own spiritual health and our willingness to forgive those who have sinned against us.* When we have a "root of bitterness" springing up within us, we cannot be truly healthy.





*Questions About Forgiveness*



*1) What is forgiveness?*



The various biblical authors used a number of different Hebrew and Greek words to convey the concept of forgiveness. *One word means "to blot out,"* in the sense that God erases the record of the sins we commit. *Another common Hebrew word means "to lift and carry away,"* speaking of the complete removal of our sins from us, as if a heavy load had been lifted from our shoulders. *Still another word means "to release from debt,"* indicating the punishment for sin has been canceled. And one *Greek word means "to show grace to one who has sinned greatly," *speaking of the undeserved nature of forgiveness. 

_It is truly a gift from God. In their book Forgive and Love Again, John Nieder and Thomas Thompson (pp. 62-63) point out that the Bible uses at least 75 different word pictures of forgiveness. Here are a few of them:

"To forgive is to turn the key, open the cell door, and let the prisoner walk free."
"To forgive is to write in large letters across a debt, __ - __Nothing owed.'"
"To forgive is to pound the gavel in a courtroom and declare, __ - __Not guilty!'"
"To forgive is to bundle up all the garbage and trash and dispose of it, leaving the house clean and fresh."
"To forgive is to loose the moorings of a ship and release it into the open sea."
"To forgive is to grant a full pardon to a condemned criminal."
"To forgive is to relax a stranglehold on a wrestling opponent."
"To forgive is to smash a clay pot into a thousand pieces so it can never be pieced together again."

_
_"Or think of yourself as a banker. In your hand is a note detailing a huge debt owed to you. What debts of others does your note list? Slander? Fraud? Rape? You carefully take the note and look at it once more. But instead of putting it back in the file, you tear it into a thousand pieces. That's forgiveness."

"When we forgive, we consciously, before God, cancel the debt. We discard the note. We pardon the prisoner. We release the offender."_

Perhaps it will help to remind ourselves what forgiveness does not mean. It is not:




 ·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Denying the evil that was done.
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Excusing sinful behavior.
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Pretending it never happened.
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Glossing over the pain you suffered.
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Removing all consequences for wrong behavior.
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Overlooking criminal behavior.
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Approving of evil.
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Condoning abuse.
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Acting as if the sin never happened.
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Letting others continually abuse you.
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Pretending you weren't hurt.


 
*Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation or restoration*. And it's not a magic trick that we use to force others to become our friend again. It's not a tool to manipulate others into confessing what they did that hurt us so greatly.

*What, then, is forgiveness? The most important thing I can say (perhaps the most important sentence in this sermon) is that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.* 

God never says, "Forgive them if you feel like it." *Forgiveness is not about your feelings. If you have been deeply hurt, you will probably never "feel" like forgiving someone. Forgiveness is a choice, a decision you make in your heart. It is a choice to release others from their sins against you.* 

That's why I Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love keeps no record of wrongs. *Forgiveness means letting go of the anger and the desire for revenge. Seen in its true light, forgiveness is an act of mercy toward the offender. Sometimes we hear people say, "He doesn't deserve to be forgiven." Of course he doesn't. No one "deserves" forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't earned, and if a person could "earn" forgiveness, he wouldn't need it in the first place. It is a gift of mercy that you give to someone who has hurt you. But note this qualifier: The gift is given to the other person but it remains between you and God. The other person may never know about it. When you forgive, God knows and you know, and that's all that matters. And the end result is a change in the way you feel and act toward that other person.*
*2) How do I know when I have truly forgiven?*



Here is my simple answer to this question. You know you have forgiven when you 
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]no longer think about it day and night,
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]no longer have to talk about it all the time, 
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]no longer feel the need to seek revenge,
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]no longer live in bitterness and anger,
·[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]can recall those who hurt you and can wish them well.


*3) Is forgiveness an event or a process?*


*The answer is yes. It is both an event in the sense that you must at some point decide to forgive. And it is a process that often must be repeated over time.* 

Remember, forgiveness isn't a tool for manipulating people into having a good relationship with you. No one can force another person to be reconciled. That must come from a heart prompted by God's Holy Spirit. When it comes down to it, there are two very good reasons to forgive that have nothing to do with the other person: You should forgive because God has commanded it. You should forgive because forgiveness is good for your own soul.

*4) Does forgiveness always lead to reconciliation?*



*The answer is no. Forgiveness is one thing; reconciliation is something else. Reconciliation requires forgiveness, but forgiveness does not demand reconciliation. Forgiveness depends on you. Reconciliation depends on you plus the other person.* It implies confession, repentance, forgiveness, restoration of trust, and the passage of time plus a mutual desire to reconcile. Often it is not possible; sometimes it is not wise.

*5) What about the person who says, "I can forgive but I can't forget?"*



This is a very common problem and a very common statement. We all understand that God "forgets" our sins when he blots them out, puts them behind his back, and casts them into the depth of the sea. He can "forget" our sins because he's God and has the power to do things like that. But we're not God, and our painful memories often return to haunt us.

Surely if we have trouble forgetting, what about God who never forgets anything? *Hebrew 10:17 quotes God as saying, "Their sins and their lawless acts I will remember no more."* Underline that last phrase, "*I will remember no more." God's forgiveness means He chooses not to remember our sins.*

*Forgiveness is a choice we make. It is not a feeling or a mood or a passing notion. Forgiveness does not mean we somehow wipe out of our mind the record of what happened. Forgiveness means we choose not to remember it.* There is a big difference between remembering something and dwelling on it. We can all remember (if we try hard enough) things in the past that have hurt us deeply. 

*6) Do I need to tell the person, "I forgive you?"*



*The answer is, not necessarily. Obviously if they ask for forgiveness, and if you intend to forgive then, then of course you should say, "I forgive you." But I'm thinking about those times when we are hurt by the thoughtless comments and unkind actions of others. Most of the time it isn't helpful to say, "I forgive you." About 90% of the time you end up picking a fight because the person says, "I didn't do anything that needs to be forgiven." It helps to remember that your forgiveness doesn't depend on them. You don't need their permission to forgive them. You don't need their agreement that they were wrong. Just forgive them. Choose forgiveness in your heart. And then move on with your life.*

*7) How do you forgive if they do not confess?*



*The last answer brings us to the heart of the matter. How do you** - **how can you** - **forgive those who do not** -**will not** - **cannot** - **own up to what they did? If they don't ask for forgiveness, how can you forgive them?* 


Writing over 400 years ago, John Calvin addressed this very question by saying there are two kinds of forgiveness. *The first is the kind where the person who did the wrong admits it, comes to you asking for forgiveness, you grant it and the relationship is restored.* That's the best kind. That's the ideal. There is confession, forgiveness, reconciliation and healing. Unfortunately, in this fallen world the ideal is not always possible. *Sometimes people who have wronged us will not admit their guilt no matter what we do. In fact, sometimes they will lie to cover up the truth. Sometimes they will cut off the relationship rather than face the hard work of reconciliation. Sometimes they will keep right on hurting us on purpose.*

How can you forgive in a situation like that? *Calvin said you can forgive even in that situation in the sense that you let go of your anger and bitterness and refuse to let the hurt dominate your own life.* True, the relationship remains broken. It may never be healed. But you can choose not to remember the sins of others. *You can choose to wipe the slate clean so that your life is free from bitterness. *That's not easy but it's far better than living in the past nursing a wounded spirit. It's also biblical for in this we have the example of Jesus himself who, when he hung on the cross, an innocent man put to death for crimes he did not commit, prayed, *"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34).*

*8) What about the feelings of anger that keep coming back?*



One final question. How do we deal with the feelings of anger that keep coming back even after we forgive someone? That's a fairly common problem, especially when we feel deeply and repeatedly mistreated. In one of her writings, _Corrie Ten Boom tells of some Christian friends who wronged her in a public and malicious way. For many days, she was bitter and angry until she forgave them. But in the night she would wake up thinking about what they had done and get angry all over again. It seemed the memory would not go away. Help came in the form of a Lutheran pastor to whom she confessed her frustration after two sleepless weeks. He told her, "Corrie, up in the church tower is a bell that is rung by pulling on a rope. When the sexton pulls the rope, the bell peals out ding-dong, ding-dong. What happens if he doesn't pull the rope again? Slowly the sound fades away. Forgiveness is like that. When we forgive someone, we take our hand off the rope. But if we've been tugging at our grievances for a long time, we mustn't be surprised if the old angry thoughts keep coming for awhile. They're just the ding-dongs of the old bell slowing down."_

So it's not surprising if after forgiveness, for a while the memories keep coming back. If you refuse to dwell on them, slowly they will fade away. Why? When you forgive, you let go of the rope and the force is gone out of your anger.

*A Miracle of God*



*That brings me back to the original question. Is total forgiveness realistic? On a purely human level, the answer is no.* In our own strength, we will never be able to forgive others as God forgives us - completely, absolutely, freely, immediately, graciously, with no strings attached. As long as we live on the human level, total forgiveness will be beyond our grasp. *But once we bring God into the picture, everything changes because with God, all things are possible.*

On the supernatural level, total forgiveness is not only realistic, it's the "supernatural" way of life. *Forgiveness is nothing less than a miracle of God. *It is a miracle we receive the moment we put our trust in Jesus Christ. And it is a miracle we give to others when in Jesus' name, by his power and for his sake, we forgive those who sin against us.


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## allicat (May 20, 2004)

Bonito said:


> I just finished posting a thread on the TTMB on whether or no to go to a wedding. My daughters best friend. As I was typing it I realized just how much unforgiveness I harbor for my ex-wife and her husband. I thought he was one of my best friends. I thought she was a faithful wife. They had an affair for 2 years before my wife left me. 7 years later, I still get angry with them both. As hard as I try to be a good Christian, I'm having a tough time forgiving them. I know this is not how God wants me to feel. How can I get past this ?


I started to post this on the other thread, but didn't. There was one particular person in my life (still is), that I harbored terrible resentment and hurt for. I can't remember what made me do it, but I decided to pray for her. Wow, that was almost inconceivable at first. But I made myself do it. I prayed for her every night. At first I was just going though the motions, without feeling very sincere. It really didn't take very long until I actually started feeling the weight off of myself as far as this person was concerned. My prayers continued, but I started to mean what I was saying. She is still in my life, and I still pray for her.

It may sound strange, and it will be hard at first, and it's just my opinion. Pray for both of them. You will be surprised how much it helps you.

Good luck, and God Bless,
Trudy


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## 3Whalers (Oct 9, 2008)

Well written Livininlogs and Allicat!
It is also important to forgive your x for your children and grandchildrens sake. They will pick up on the bad vibes, and they are suffering as well. A no show would send out a message of anger. It is truley a healing process, but it takes time. It took 5 long years for me to get here. But it can be done, believe me. I ask the Lord to help me forgive, and after I prayed for the x a true healing did occured. Finally you will wake up one morning and you will be healed. I'm still working on the part about telling her I forgive her. Good luck buddy, you will get there!


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## Bonito (Nov 17, 2008)

allicat said:


> I started to post this on the other thread, but didn't. There was one particular person in my life (still is), that I harbored terrible resentment and hurt for. I can't remember what made me do it, but I decided to pray for her. Wow, that was almost inconceivable at first. But I made myself do it. I prayed for her every night. At first I was just going though the motions, without feeling very sincere. It really didn't take very long until I actually started feeling the weight off of myself as far as this person was concerned. My prayers continued, but I started to mean what I was saying. She is still in my life, and I still pray for her.
> 
> It may sound strange, and it will be hard at first, and it's just my opinion. Pray for both of them. You will be surprised how much it helps you.
> 
> ...


It's very interesting you reccomend exactly what my pastor told me on Sunday. He also said I should pray for my Ex and her husband. He said God will open my heart for forgiveness if I pray for them.

Thank all of you for your responses. I started praying for them yesterday. :fish:


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## KylesKenner2 (Nov 19, 2008)

I may not be the best of writers or the most knowledgeable, but I look at it this way, bad things happen for good reasons. I believe when a bad thing happens to me is because the next door that is opened is filled with greater things ahead. A bad thing is a test from GOD wanting to know just how we handle situations. Whenever that happens to me, I pray that I can get thru it with HIS help and move forward and learn from the experience. HE will not take things away from us unless there is a good reason or greater things are in store for us.
It hard to forgive, but it even harder to forget. It is the forgetting that pops up every now and then and there my friend is the test. Time will heal all wounds and you will get thru it.
Go!


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## activescrape (Jan 8, 2006)

My experience is like Trudy's. I absolutely hated my ex. I fantasized about how I would like for her to suffer, evil stuff, for years and years, like she hurt me. It was a terrible burden I carried. 

It was like a saying I heard in later years "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Anyway, it finally came to me that if what I wished would happen, really happened, our kids would be devestated. What was I to do about that?

I prayed about it and was prompted to pray for her. I prayed back, "Do I have to?" It was just silence on the subject after that.

So, I started doing it out of obedience, not understanding it. Every day I prayed for her salvation, for God to come into her life and make her the best mother and person there has ever been.
Months went by, and one day as I was praying for her I realized that I meant what I was praying. 

It was t that instant that the burden of resentment and vengance and retribution I had carried for 15 years was GONE. This huge weight was lifted off of me and I was free. Me setting her free, set me free. 

God's ways are higher than our ways.


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## willydavenport (Jun 4, 2004)

You may also check out "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado. I just finished reading it and am re-reading to try to go more slowly and reflect but it is all about giving your burdens to Christ and traveling with less baggage. I'd highly recommend the book. Best of luck.


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## Fishwish (Aug 3, 2004)

You can't forgive anyone else until you forgive yourself. Figure out what you need to forgive yourself for and start there.


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## Livininlogs (Oct 12, 2005)

willydavenport said:


> You may also check out "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado. I just finished reading it and am re-reading to try to go more slowly and reflect but it is all about giving your burdens to Christ and traveling with less baggage. I'd highly recommend the book. Best of luck.


Another good one is Jesus Take the Wheel. Great book, have one week left on it. Reads like a devotional.


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## Bonito (Nov 17, 2008)

I want to thank all of you for your help and responses. I started praying for my Ex and her husband this past Sunday. I will continue to pray for them every day. It was easier to pray for them today than the past 2 days. 

Thank you for the reccomendations on the books. 

By the way, I RSVP'd and will be going to the Wedding. I spoke to my daughter and Sheena, the Bride to be and they both said they would sad if I didn't come. I can't disappoint my girls.


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## Livininlogs (Oct 12, 2005)

Great stand proud at the wedding. when you let these feeling take a hold the devil beats you down and tries to keep you there. Let it go and have a great time


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## 3Whalers (Oct 9, 2008)

glad to hear your going! you have to test the water sooner or later.


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## Mrs Backlasher (Dec 19, 2004)

Most excellent information by DaParson. We all should read though it again.

And some good tips from many others. I'm so glad that you've started praying for your X and have begun the process of forgiving and healing.

God is SO good!

Mrs. B


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