# Stupid Things You Told Your Wife



## texacajun (May 2, 2005)

Me and my wife were joking around the other day about having babies and pain tolerance. I was playing and telling her they don't make wimmen like they used too and that back in the ol days after having a baby a real women would be up cooking breffist the next day. Then, I messed up and told her, "pffft, having a baby ain't nuttin, you oughta try grindin all day with soft plastics in August!". Ooooowweeeee, that coonazz of mine got hotter than spit on a 600lb steam header!! Reminded me of like when a person turns into a werewolf type thing in the movies!! Sheeesssh!

So, it made me think of what some of you knuckleheads have told your wives.....

Mike


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## Walkin' Jack (May 20, 2004)

Awww Baby this'll be the last gun I'll ever need to buy...Rilly!

I'd rather be miserable with you than happy with somebody else.

Those are just a couple that I can remember. Those concussions are hard on the memory....


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## McDaniel8402 (Dec 7, 2011)

Casually reminiscing about escapades with old girlfriends. That never does seem to go over well. lol


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## dallasrick (Jan 5, 2005)

Used to have a standing poker game on Friday nites at a buddies, that was never a problem, but one nite, he hadnt made it home yet, so I went up.the road to some hole in the wall bar, figured stop for one or two beers, and ran into this older sweathog of a gal me and the wife knew from the kroger store we shopped at near the house, checkout cashier named Carol. Drank my beer, played poker and went home, mentioned to the wife, " guess who I ran into, Carol". That crazy ****** accused me of having an affair with this old broad for years afterwards.


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## nelson6500 (Jun 8, 2007)

The boat will only cost 100k and that's it


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## rsparker67 (Mar 30, 2008)

Um.. No that dress doesn't look good.....
No, Those shoes don't look good.......
Ok, you really don't need to wear so much make-up....
No... You really don't look fat in that outfit..... (5 mins from time to leave)


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## bill (May 21, 2004)

I do.


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## MarkDiaz (Jul 28, 2011)

*Long trips away.*

Shey says, "I missed you so much!"

and I said, "I missed certain parts of you!" :spineyes:


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## dallasrick (Jan 5, 2005)

Face it guys, keep our mouths shut, pray for the best, and sleep with one eye open, you just cant win an argument with bat**** crazy


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## Zereaux (Jul 18, 2006)

So many stupid things, so little time.

Somewhere close by a have the list for reference so' s not to make the same again.
I'm sure there will be others...


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## Wolf6151 (Jun 13, 2005)

bill said:


> i do.


winner, winner, winner.


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## Pier Pressure (Aug 30, 2009)

After droping a duce then calling the wife to the rest room asking her why are her shoes in the tub. Yea there were no shoes in the tub. 

I thought it was funny. Ive been single now for 8 years.


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## carryyourbooks (Feb 13, 2009)

one time at dinner with her side of the family, her dad and i were having our fill of alcohol. i told the waitress i wanted a table dance.

damm, the woman don't forget nuthin'.


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## texacajun (May 2, 2005)

I had an upper GI done a several years ago and was put under. Well I had just so happened to notice a hot blonde nurse before going under. Sho nuff, I messed up. My wife was ticked and embarrassed. I was still in twilight after the procedure and don't remember any of this and my wife was reading me a card that all the nurses had signed for me. Supposedly I asked all loud and beligerant (this is according to my wife) "so did that hot blonde put her phone number on there, where's that fine looking nurse at, I know she wants me"....dohhhh!! She still hasn't forgotten and that's been at least 8 years or more!!! I do remember the ride home though!sad4sm


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## Law Dog (Jul 27, 2010)

What else do you need?


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## Buck Tag (Dec 19, 2010)

Before we got married we broke up for 4 months and she found out that I dated this one girlfriend from back in the day. She asked if we did the deed and I told the truth..... SHOULD OF SAID NOOOOO! :/


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## TIMBOv2 (Mar 18, 2010)

bill said:


> I do.


AMEN....


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## jasonaustin (Feb 6, 2009)

bill said:


> I do.


Now thats funny right there, I dont care who you are!!!


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## KarrMar (Jul 12, 2011)

bigtek said:


> Before we got married we broke up for 4 months and she found out that I dated this one girlfriend from back in the day. She asked if we did the deed and I told the truth..... SHOULD OF SAID NOOOOO! :/


Whoever the dumbarse was that said "The truth will set you free" obviously wasn't married.


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## Buck Tag (Dec 19, 2010)

You ain't lying!!!


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## FishingGramps (Feb 20, 2008)

But honey, all the other girls ... (insert what you really want here). lol 

Result: concussion... lol


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## chazbo (Sep 7, 2006)

...it smells like tuna fish...


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## mastercylinder60 (Dec 18, 2005)

I'm thankful that I don't have a wife. I'm convinced that all women are crazy.


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## Blk Jck 224 (Oct 16, 2009)

In a moment of drunken brutal honesty confessions, I verbalized that I would love to pork her little Sister...Very bad idea folks. :frown:


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## capt. david (Dec 29, 2004)

That's your lipstick on my undies, when I was out all night.


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## adpostel (Jan 14, 2006)

mastercylinder said:


> I'm thankful that I don't have a wife. I'm convinced that all women are crazy.


 DUDE! It's more than ALL of them.......:rotfl::rotfl:


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## chickenboy (May 5, 2008)

No honey those waders don't make your arse look big


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## slopoke (Jul 10, 2005)

I never told my wife anything stupid. hwellUhm...those are sarcasm smilies...jus' in case y'all can't tell...and stuff)


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## Absolut (Jan 23, 2010)

I'm convinced that there is nothing you can say that will make them happy. Even if you don't say anything, then you are wrong because there is some exact word or phrase that they have in their mind that you should have said (in the right tone of course).


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## MNsurf (Oct 21, 2011)

I thought your period was last week..

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2


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## wet dreams (May 21, 2004)

A good friend told his wife his horse was 'stump broke' she had no idea what it meant, a yr later the horse was for sale. They had a few peeps over to look at the horse, over coffe they were discussing the horse when the wife brought up the 'stump broke' comment thinking it would help the horse sell,, the other cpl left without finishing their coffee, this IS when she found out what the comment meant....$&^# hit the fan>>>true story...WW


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## pg542 (Oct 9, 2006)

wet dreams said:


> A good friend told his wife his horse was 'stump broke' she had no idea what it meant, a yr later the horse was for sale. They had a few peeps over to look at the horse, over coffe they were discussing the horse when the wife brought up the 'stump broke' comment thinking it would help the horse sell,, the other cpl left without finishing their coffee, this IS when she found out what the comment meant....$&^# hit the fan>>>true story...WW


Now that's funny! lmao...good one..


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## carryyourbooks (Feb 13, 2009)

KarrMar said:


> Whoever the dumbarse was that said "The truth will set you free" obviously wasn't married.


maybe they was.............after a divorce.


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## Y-Not (Sep 14, 2012)

Let's just face it. "wimmin just ain't happy"


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## wiltray4000 (Sep 16, 2010)

KarrMar said:


> Whoever the dumbarse was that said "The truth will set you free" obviously wasn't married.


On the other hand, it may do exactly that.


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## KarrMar (Jul 12, 2011)

Billwill555 said:


> On the other hand, it may do exactly that.


 But in my case, just more agony.


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## captaindorman (Nov 30, 2009)

Maybe you should lay off the Dr. Pepper your putting on a few pounds.


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## Brother Bob (Jul 27, 2004)

*True story!*

My first wife was hispanic and insanely jealous of white girls. Anytime we went out in public she would turn her radar on and if I even glanced at any white girls she would start her **** about me liking white girls. So one day in one of her tirades she yells at me: I know you like white girls, you should have married one.

My response: "Maybe next time I will!" And that is when the real fight began.

BB


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## Bassman5119 (Feb 26, 2008)

Walkin' Jack said:


> Awww Baby this'll be the last gun I'll ever need to buy...Rilly!


 This...

or, telling her before I bought it. Won't make that mistake again. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Plus, guns are not returnable.


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## a couple more (Mar 19, 2009)

Some 20 years ago a few of us were at a friends house. The guys in the dining room playing cards (drinking heavily), the ladies in the living room talking9 my wife 7 or 8 months pregnant). They came in the the dining room, after a couple of minutes I called my wife over, whispered in her ear...why don't y'all go back in the living room, we're having fun in here.... I still get reminded of that statement...To top things off, as we were on our way home ,my buddy, who was spending the night with us, puked in the car. ohhh the young navy days.


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## 22Whaler (Mar 15, 2006)

"when I married you, you were worth your weight in gold. I see over the years your value has increased" she didn't take to kindly to that!!!


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## MNsurf (Oct 21, 2011)

Bassman5119 said:


> This...
> 
> or, telling her before I bought it. Won't make that mistake again. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Plus, guns are not returnable.


I always make sure to buy them the same color. If they look alike she cant tell them apart. Same with rods and reels. i just tell my buddies they're the same cuz im OCD.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2


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## Reel Hooker (Oct 14, 2009)

The Mrs. was contemplating breast augmentation............I told her to rub toilet paper on that region for a year! She said, "what's that going to do?". I told her it made her back-side grow a few sizes larger. She didn't find near the humor as I.


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## Wedge (Apr 29, 2005)

Me: What is wrong baby?

wife: Nothing

Me: Then let's get naked

Then she loosens up and the truth comes out. LOL.


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## Be Young (Jun 16, 2004)

Ben married for thirty years, haven't gone out with the boys drinking since I was 25.
One week before Christmas an old friend from high school asked if I wanted to go to a bar and shoot pool with 3 other buddies I haven't seen in 30 years, got permission and said yes. Buddy came to the house to get me and I wasn't quite ready. Buddy and my wife were sitting in the living room chatting. I got ready and came into the living room counting my money to see if I needed hit the wife up for more. I asked my buddy, what does a prostitute cost now a days. Trying to be funny.... wife gave me a sturn look and said that's not funny.
Got home about 2:30, figured she would be asleep, but no she was very angry and still is.


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## Nauti-Tease (Apr 23, 2012)

During a heated debate about S_X told my wife " If you don't do your homework, someone else will" 2 weeks in the doghouse!


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## dmwz71 (Feb 5, 2010)

According to my wife, just about everything I say is stupid!!


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## RogerB (Oct 11, 2005)

wet dreams said:


> A good friend told his wife his horse was 'stump broke' she had no idea what it meant, a yr later the horse was for sale. They had a few peeps over to look at the horse, over coffe they were discussing the horse when the wife brought up the 'stump broke' comment thinking it would help the horse sell,, the other cpl left without finishing their coffee, this IS when she found out what the comment meant....$&^# hit the fan>>>true story...WW


oh gawd! I fell out of my chair, spilled coffee all over me, thought I was gonna puke from laughing so hard.


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## slopoke (Jul 10, 2005)




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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

"I edited your list. Now it's the Honey-do-it-yourself list"... didn't work out so well.


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## dallasrick (Jan 5, 2005)

First wifes sister flew down for our wedding, stayed with us a week. I accidently saw her topless, then got a bad case of stupid at the breakfast table sitting with.the 2 of them, told the wife " you and your sister got identcal titties". That wedding almost didnt happen.


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## djwag94 (Nov 19, 2009)

Don't ever say: Honey, you look good just the way you are.


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## Josey (Jun 13, 2012)

Got stuck in the house with the wife and a bunch of her friends. Finally got tired of the bs coming from all of them and popped off that there was a reason DRs spanked newborns. To knock the pr**k off the dumb ones. She was embarrassed and I paid the price.


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## WillieT (Aug 25, 2010)

A couple of years after we got married my wife was complaning about me going hunting so much. I told her she knew I hunted before she married me and I wasn't going to change. I am still reminded about where she stands on my priority list. That was over 30 years ago. You just think an elephant has a good memory.


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## V-Bottom (Jun 16, 2007)

"I Do..." not really......


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## Blk Jck 224 (Oct 16, 2009)

dallasrick said:


> First wifes sister flew down for our wedding, stayed with us a week. I accidently saw her topless, then got a bad case of stupid at the breakfast table sitting with.the 2 of them, told the wife " you and your sister got identcal titties". That wedding almost didnt happen.


It is embarrasing that you would say got instead of have. I'm surprised she married you after that poor choice of words.


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## sotexhookset (Jun 4, 2011)

Is your "stuff" gettin bigger or is my .... gettin smaller. Never goes over to well even though it's a joke. She doesn't appreciate my sense of humor as much since gettin married.


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## YakMan (Dec 2, 2005)

#1 You can put the seat down just as easy as I can put it up......
#2 Cant cut me off if you don't know where I'm getting it!
#3 Get up and get it yourself...... which usually leads back to #2


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## jiginit (Jun 8, 2010)

Jokingly on our 25th. I told the wife, Had I shot you the day we married I'd be out by now. I got sent to the bayhouse for a week.


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## rdtfishn (Sep 14, 2012)

Went to the gentlemens club, wife is fine with it... She says don't bring a girl home unless she can pay a bill... So after a fun night I called her (as if I was drunk, I really wasn't) asking if "Destiny" could stay a few nights with us... I had the living room all to myself that night, well minus the cocker spaniel that had gass. I TRY to stay on her good side. Lol


Tight lines


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## YakMan (Dec 2, 2005)

This past Christmas in Louisiana I received an air freshner that is a little pole dancer in a bikini that spins as you drive.Her name is Lola. I called my wife on the way home and told her my sons(ages 15 and 3) and I were bringing home a stripper named Lola and she smells like cherries! Did not go over the way I thought it would at all!


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## g2outfitter (Jul 21, 2009)

When my wife was pregnant with my daughter I decided to research "How to Cope with hormonal changes and mood changes while being pregnant" I printed out a large document, highlighted all the areas of how to not be a bi*** to your husband and placed her keys on it for her to get when she woke up the next morning. Let's just say, thank god I had already gone to work. Whole Idea did not go over well. My buddies thought it was funny as hell and even their wife's were ****** at me. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using Tapatalk 2


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## chazbo (Sep 7, 2006)

FYI, ......the "C" word is NEVER acceptable......


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## sharkbait-tx70 (Jun 28, 2009)

I could write a book. haha. Let me see.Last week I asked her if she was fixing to start because she was looking a lil puffy. she did not talk to me for three days which was great I needed some quite time. she caught me checkin out this nice looking woman at the store one day and tore into me pretty good. I told her ,ah babe doesnt matter where I get my appetite as long as I come home to eat. that didnt go over well eather. I have been married ten yrs this november good to keep her on her toes now and again.


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## TxToeZ (Nov 9, 2012)

My filter doesn't work well on a daily basis and under the slight influence of alcohol is absent completely. So................she asks "what's the difference between me and your ex wife anyway" and 40lbs pops out before I can consider the consequences. I woke up, concussed !!


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## Red3Fish (Jun 4, 2004)

_"If I were you, I would..........do it this way.

Never goes over very well, especially when she is cooking or painting!

Later
R3F
_


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## Pablo (May 21, 2004)

"You know, you're sorta acting like your mother right now." 
Gibbsmacked me and saw stars.

As someone above mentioned, their memories are definitely longer than elephants.


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## Pablo (May 21, 2004)

Here ya go.


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## frankt667 (Dec 7, 2009)

"Hey I bought another rifle today! "

Learned my lesson on that one...


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## SolarScreenGuy (Aug 15, 2005)

texacajun said:


> Me and my wife were joking around the other day about having babies and pain tolerance. I was playing and telling her they don't make wimmen like they used too and that back in the ol days after having a baby a real women would be up cooking breffist the next day. Then, I messed up and told her, "pffft, having a baby ain't nuttin, you oughta try grindin all day with soft plastics in August!". Ooooowweeeee, that coonazz of mine got hotter than spit on a 600lb steam header!! Reminded me of like when a person turns into a werewolf type thing in the movies!! Sheeesssh!
> 
> So, it made me think of what some of you knuckleheads have told your wives.....
> 
> Mike


Sometimes I mean to say one thing, but something different comes out. Like just the other morning. We were having breakfast and I meant to say "honey, would you pass the butter please?". But what came out was "You evil freaking witch, you've ruined my life"!:rotfl: Just kidding. Wouldn't trade her for a good gun dog.


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## iridered2003 (Dec 12, 2005)

called her another girls name while making love to her., best 10 sec of my life! ride'm cowboy


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## My Little Big boat (Apr 24, 2012)

iridered2003 said:


> called her another girls name while making love to her., best 10 sec of my life! ride'm cowboy


Call her you ex wife's name and see where that leads:slimer:

Wait ill save you the trouble, in the dog house


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## dallasrick (Jan 5, 2005)

*we've all been there*



SolarScreenGuy said:


> Sometimes I mean to say one thing, but something different comes out. Like just the other morning. We were having breakfast and I meant to say "honey, would you pass the butter please?". But what came out was "You evil freaking witch, you've ruined my life"!:rotfl: Just kidding. Wouldn't trade her for a good gun dog.


Meant to ask mine one morning " sweetie, would ya pass the honey" but came out 'hey pig, pass me the bacon" lol


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## regulator (May 21, 2004)

Her "Honey do these jeans make my rear look big"

Me "NOOO, your *** makes your *** look big"

not to good....


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## Bull Fish (Nov 15, 2006)

OH the First Marriage is a First for a reason. I have labeled it an "Expensive Training Course" 

She asked me one day should I get a "BOOB JOB" I stated that I was not that impressed with her sisters so I didn't think it was a WISE investment. Needless to say she is my ex-wife now and has since purchased "THEM".


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## Titus Bass (Dec 26, 2008)

You can't cut me off.....You don't know where I'm getting it......


Don't say that.....trust me....


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## dallasrick (Jan 5, 2005)

*this will set em off too.*



regulator said:


> Her "Honey do these jeans make my rear look big"
> 
> Me "NOOO, your *** makes your *** look big"
> 
> not to good....


Wife comes in and ask ya how you like her new thong, wrong reply is " thank God, i thought your big butt swallowed your panties".


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## Drundel (Feb 6, 2006)

Not wife but GF, this last time home she had a bad cough so much so that it was keeping me away. I was getting up 4ish to go bird hunting and driving so I needed my sleep. Sometime after hours of tossing and turning I told her she had to go somewhere else because she was going to get me killed.

She wasn't happy, but she went to sleep on the couch.


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## 4 Ever-Fish N (Jun 10, 2006)

Reel Hooker said:


> The Mrs. was contemplating breast augmentation............I told her to rub toilet paper on that region for a year! She said, "what's that going to do?". I told her it made her back-side grow a few sizes larger. She didn't find near the humor as I.


That's just too funny! A lot of these are but this one hit my funny bone.


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## hoosierplugger (May 24, 2004)

Titus Bass said:


> You can't cut me off.....You don't know where I'm getting it......
> 
> Don't say that.....trust me....


Winner right there!!! Now that's funny.


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## chubri777 (Aug 11, 2005)

My wife asks me if this dress makes me look fat and I tell her the dress had nothing to do with it.


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## hoosierplugger (May 24, 2004)

Her: I think she got a boob job


Me: I'd never get you a boob job, you don't let me play with 'em as it is.


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## Riley & Sons (Aug 7, 2008)

When my wife was in labor with our daughter. She was freaking out over the needle for her IV. My smart ***** said "if you're having this much trouble with that needle, wait till that baby comes out". There was a thick nurse that almost gave me a whoopin. My wife has finally forgiven me! My daughter is 5 years old. Be careful what you say to a woman and always think before you open your mouth!


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## rsparker67 (Mar 30, 2008)

18 years ago, we were launching the boat.... Well I had an old standard clutch truck with no emergency brake.... So I backed the boat into the ramp and got out to release the boat... I had launched my boat many a times with never any problems but this time she decided to help... Anyway my old truck being a standard would pop and click backwards till the weight of the boat was gone.... Well wife started to freak that the truck was moving... Ok... Here comes my mistake... I told her if she was so worried to go hit the break... **** was that a bad idea.... She hits what she thinks is the break and the truck SHOT backwards... I start yelling and screaming " *** NOOOOOOO NOT THE CLUTCH..... And a whole lot more expletives to go with that.... By this time she's in total hysteria about the water launch about to happen...... Now I'm in panic mode! I take off and run towards the truck, jump on the truck rail and superman fly in the window kicking her the hell out of the way..... The whole time still spouting every word in the dictionary at her.... Now in the truck with water rising I start the truck and floor it up the ramp.... Still screaming every expletive out there... As I got the truck back on land I look back to see the boat floating ever so happily out in the middle of The landing... I look up and see a crowd now watching the local boat ramp fiasco taking place at their local hangout..... I looked like such an arse... Well a passer by brought me my boat back and i was able to apologize enough to take her fishing that day.... Lucky for me she forgave me and have been fishing ever since together... Oh, this was also on our anniversary day... 
She lets my laugh about it now but still looks at me with evil eyes anytime I talk about that day!


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## dallasrick (Jan 5, 2005)

My granddad did this years ago. Grandmother pizzed him off, he got in his truck, drove from Caldwell to our house in Dallas. Tells me to take him to the airport, hopped a flight to the Bahamas for TWO weeks. He got these junket trips from building supplier he bought from and decided to leave the old bat at home. I went to visit around ten years later with a gf, brought it up at breakfast, and if looks could kill, there would have been some fresh graves in her garden the next day.


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## fish1kemah (Feb 26, 2009)

*Stupid things you told your wife*

Crawling up the stairs on my hands and knees after an evening hanging out with some of my so called huntin/fishin buds in a not so good condition. When I looked up the top of the stairs and to my surprise I see my bride with her hands on her hips with that evil eye looking down at me. She said , well , drunk again, my reply was , yea , me too , ain't it hell. Turned out not to be a very good week !.

F1K


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## Jasmillertime (Mar 23, 2010)

wife walks in and says "What's on the tv?"
I answer "Dust."


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## WillieT (Aug 25, 2010)

iridered2003 said:


> called her another girls name while making love to her., best 10 sec of my life! ride'm cowboy


Best way to handle that is keep your mouth shut during those intimate moments. Or just generic terms. No foul ups then.


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## KEN KERLEY (Nov 13, 2006)

"I didn't know what true happiness was until I married you - then it was too late." That's when the fight started!


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## fishingwithhardheadkings (Oct 10, 2012)

I thought that I was the only idiot that did that same thing! I had my gal bladder removed and started to flirt with the nurse too, man I was embarrased!


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## Mccoyboys (Sep 6, 2012)

*3 things to live by*

3 things to live by
(1)your mouth will get you in trouble
(2)never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut
(3) all women are cretures they just have different faces so you can tell them apart!


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## Bull Red (Mar 17, 2010)

McDaniel8402 said:


> Casually reminiscing about escapades with old girlfriends. That never does seem to go over well. lol


That one always gets me in trouble too. 

The dumbest thing I've told my wife (repeatedly) is "I'll be home by 12:00" when I head out the door to play poker. I rarely make it back before 3:00.


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## dallasrick (Jan 5, 2005)

Ya know its bad when ya dont say anything and their mad. Honestly, my ex would be pizzed at me for waking up in a good mood and would start biatching at me for being in a good mood, freaking nutjob. If she was in a foul mood, figured I should be too.


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## Will32Rod (Dec 17, 2011)

To the ex wife
**** that had to been you that farted, the dog does not smell that bad.


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## RG (Jun 7, 2006)

My first wife was cooking dinner for my parents and wanted to know what to fix. I told her a ham would work, we could have that. She asked me how to pick a ham out and I told her to just ask the butcher for his best kosher ham. Unknow to me she did not have any idea what kosher was. Must have been 5 years later after we had moved I came home to a very angry wife. All that time when she wanted a ham the butchers went along with my joke and picked one out for her. The new butcher narked me out and the idea of her looking stupid for 5 years cost me dearly.......


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## Tom (Jul 14, 2005)

Why did you marry me is a trick question. 
I was drunk is not the answer.


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## dallasrick (Jan 5, 2005)

Came home after a 14 hour day at raytheon, evidenly, hi.hon, Im home was the wrong thing to say. She went off on me because "my dog" a big lab, made a very nasty mess halfway up the stairs, and demanded i clean it up. I clean it up and said might need to take him to the vet to see if he was sick, as he was housebroken, and this wasnt norm. Find out, she fed him some of my leftover homemade chilli. I make my chilli with habenaros, seranos and jalapenos., then she took a nap, us didnt let him out, but it was all my fault.


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## JOHNNYREB (Apr 20, 2006)

All aboard the train, Heading to POUND TOWN!....That one always gets the juices flowing!


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## 032490 (Jul 25, 2007)

My Little Big boat said:


> Call her you ex wife's name and see where that leads:slimer:
> 
> Wait ill save you the trouble, in the dog house


Done that several times. You would think I would remember who I am married too.
Ken


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## My Little Big boat (Apr 24, 2012)

032490 said:


> Done that several times. You would think I would remember who I am married too.
> Ken


**** .. I learned after the first time... :rotfl:


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## Metal Artist (Jan 1, 2013)

my 2 all time favorites:
1. Her: Are you mad at me, now?
Me: No, Honey, i'm not mad. A feller ought not let a mere woman **** him off.....

& the old joke that she had never heard before and didn't understand

2. "that's what She said"


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## Bull Fish (Nov 15, 2006)

A buddy of mine has been going through a divorce for some time. As most that have been broadsided with this it takes a tole on you in many ways. 

He told me when it first started that "He could not live without her" I coached him as much as could. Last week it was final. Monday he ordered his dream boat bought a new truck and February 1 he will break ground on his dream house. 

Might not be directed at the wife but I thought it was a good one!


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## CLVL (Aug 17, 2005)

"I swear, this is the last boat" (3 boats ago). 

Told her how much an Avet 50 and 30 cost (big mistake), and she went upstairs to count how many were in the rod racks. With ~40 rods and reels (inshore and offshore), I then had tell her that all were not Avet 30s or 50s, so got to tell her what each was and how much each one cost (recovered my senses and was using half price). It didn't help much though. She remodeled the kitchen right after that conversation - told me if I thought she was spending too much, I could sell some of my reels. I'm reel happy with my kitchen.


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## kanga69 (Mar 17, 2011)

Her - you go fishing one more time this week, I am cutting you off. 


Me - you don't know where I am getting it. I laughed, she didn't.


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

I'm gonna get in the boat... you back it down the ramp.


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## Rusty S (Apr 6, 2006)

I'll be right back. rs


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## poco jim (Jun 28, 2010)

Wife tells me tonight that she's sorry for being B----y the last couple of days( Looking for a fight)

I told her, I thought you've been a little Edgy the last couple of days. She stops mid step, says Edgy HUH, and went to bed.
I'm sleeping on the couch for safety just in case that wasn't what I was suppose to say!


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## bear hide (Feb 14, 2008)

I don't have to remember any of the stuff that I said wrong. No sence in two of us storing all of that information.


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## ctcc (Nov 9, 2012)

:hairout:Wife: " YOU SEE!! THATS THE PROBLEM, YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON 2COOLFISHING"!!!! YOU SHOULD BE TAKING ME FISHING!!!


Yes Dear..:dance:


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## terryguidry (Jun 6, 2011)

your butt looks like a texas road map


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## willeye (Mar 2, 2007)

I DON'T DO FAT CHICKS!!!!!!!!:hairout:
GOT puched in the head for that one. no more whiskey for me:brew:


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## williamcr (Aug 8, 2006)

Pier Pressure said:


> After droping a duce then calling the wife to the rest room asking her why are her shoes in the tub. Yea there were no shoes in the tub.
> 
> I thought it was funny. Ive been single now for 8 years.


Now that's funny

Sent from William's iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JamesAggie (Jun 28, 2012)

This thread is PRICELESS!!!


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## ComeFrom? (May 21, 2004)

John, if you didn't date me back in High School, who would you have gone out with?

Honey, I don't know. Your best friend Cindy looked magnificent in short shorts.

Click Bang!


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## reelthreat (Jul 11, 2006)

My wife was complaining about all my hobbies.... Fishing, poker, golf, hunting, arrowhead hunting, etc. She said to pick just one and kept one going and going and going.

Well, I said "you sound like my x-wife" she said "you have never been married before" and I said EXACTLY.


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## txsharkbait (Jun 25, 2004)

I was feeling extremely good one nght and told her "Im going to f### something tonight. You want in on it?" I was kidding...a little bit. 
Took her a while to find the humor in it.
Now I say it all the time, just cuz.


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## The1ThatGotAway (Jun 24, 2009)

I'm not asking ou if I can have a boat, I'm just letting you know that I am going to buy one and you're welcome to come help pick it out.


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## Bobby (May 21, 2004)

Caught her coming out of the shower one day naked. I asked her if that was her birthday suit. She said yes it is. I told her she needed to iron it.

I got to where I could see out of the right eye in 2 weeks flat!!


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## Chuckybrown (Jan 20, 2012)

Um, how do I put this? 

I manage hundreds of retail locations......

Came home one night to a cluttered house. Asked of my lovely wife "how come I can manage hundreds of locations, and you cannot seem to manage ONE"?

Never.Again.Ever.Never. So help me St. Peter.....


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## Bearwolf34 (Sep 8, 2005)

I learned a long time ago the less you tell em and talk the smoother life will be for ya


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## needtoski (Mar 4, 2011)

evidently reading these out loud laughing is not the smartest thing I've done lately


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## Nwilkins (Jan 18, 2009)

bear hide said:


> I don't have to remember any of the stuff that I said wrong. No sence in two of us storing all of that information.


Uh huh


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## jamisjockey (Jul 30, 2009)

It all started with "we should get married...."


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## BullyARed (Jun 19, 2010)

"I don't have sexual relationship with that woman!"


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## sotol buster (Oct 7, 2007)

Me; Hey hon I'm at the deer lease.{450 miles away**

Her: I thought you went to work.

Me: No hon, I marked these days on the calender.

Her: CLICK


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## SWC (Jun 20, 2009)

Will you marry me? and after a week at the deer lease come home and say I see you didn't clean while I was gone. Stoooooopid


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## bh96 (Jan 15, 2012)

I once told my wifes doctor in front of my wife "Man having a baby sure does mess up a womans body and she jusy had 3 in 4 years so thats why we are here" 

Yea wasnt a good month for me!


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## SlicksVR4 (Jul 7, 2006)

Told my wife yesterday, If some one walked up to me on the street and offered to swap a Schlotzkys sandwich for her I'd have to think about it for a while. Got hit for that one.


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## Gary (May 21, 2004)

Not something I said, but something I did to my ex wife. She was pregnant with my daughter in 1985 and it was Christmas time. As usual, being a man, I waited until Christmas eve to go shopping for her gift and while working up the nerve to go to Gunspoint Mall, I had a few adult beverages. Roughly 15 of them. :brew:

Again, I am a man and have no clue what women want besides the obvious and I have had some beers, so that means a couple of trips to the restroom, and I am in a hurry.

Since it was Christmas, and cold, I saw this really nice coat that was made of white Rabbit fur. I liked it a lot, it was pretty expensive and I am sure to hit a home a home run with this gift.

Fast forward to Christmas morning. She opens the box, try's the coat on, walks into the bedroom to look at herself in front of the full length mirror and starts crying.

Again, I'm just a man and I ask, what's wrong baby?

She say's, I look like a big fat freeking Polar Bear! hwell:

Shaking my head as I don't understand, I'm just a man.


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## DCUnger (Jul 25, 2012)

After she tried to make a new meal, she asked what I thought...
I will never say it again: "it tastes like sweat smells".


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## My Little Big boat (Apr 24, 2012)

Bobby said:


> Caught her coming out of the shower one day naked. I asked her if that was her birthday suit. She said yes it is. I told her she needed to iron it.
> 
> I got to where I could see out of the right eye in 2 weeks flat!!


I do believe we have a winner... LoL


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## ls7747 (Jul 20, 2009)

Coming home from the fire station I tell my wife the other shift has a new female rookie, and how I'm glad our shift doesn't have a female, and how it sinclair because there's only one restroom and when shes in there everyone has to wait, blah, blah, blah! Then my wife looks at me and ask, "what does she look like?" and I reply she's ****able! FML, I still here about this one! Thats what happens when you think with the small head and not the big head!


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## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

ls7747 said:


> Coming home from the fire station I tell my wife the other shift has a new female rookie, and how I'm glad our shift doesn't have a female, and how it sinclair because there's only one restroom and when shes in there everyone has to wait, blah, blah, blah! Then my wife looks at me and ask, "what does she look like?" and I reply she's ****able! FML, I still here about this one! Thats what happens when you think with the small head and not the big head!


*unfair?

That was stupid dude..

Just sayin...

A


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## mastercylinder60 (Dec 18, 2005)

I got married once. I learned my lesson.


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## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

mastercylinder said:


> I got married once. I learned my lesson.


What's that sound?

Oh yeah. Sounds like a can o worms being opened.. 

Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk 2


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## mastercylinder60 (Dec 18, 2005)

Me? Open a can of worms? Don't be silly, Andrew. :smile:


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## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

mastercylinder said:


> Me? Open a can of worms? Don't be silly, Andrew. :smile:


You learned your lesson, or in the manor of bees females got the word?

:/
Edit: or donkeys, whatever sinks yer ship...



Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk 2


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## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

mastercylinder said:


> Maybe once in a lifetime you meet a woman who is your equal, then she goes an ****s that all up.


Agreed.. then you find one better that puts up with us n hold on tight..

Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk 2


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## BretE (Jan 24, 2008)

Once in a lifetime???.....there's plenty out there.......test drive as many as you can, you'll find another......


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## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

mastercylinder said:


> Maybe once in a lifetime you meet a woman who is your equal and best friend, and then she goes and ****s that all up.


I dunno MC. Ive done my share of effen stuff up too.

Over n out. On 3 hrs sleep n busy/early day tmo.
A

Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk 2


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## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

mastercylinder said:


> Maybe once in a lifetime you meet a woman who is your equal and your best friend, and then she goes and ****s that all up.
> 
> I don't get it.


Usually a waste to try to wonder..

Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk 2


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## BretE (Jan 24, 2008)

Lol.....it keeps moving...

MC......are you abusing your mod privileges?.......


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## mastercylinder60 (Dec 18, 2005)

lordbater said:


> Usually a waste to try to wonder..
> 
> Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk 2


Maybe once in a lifetime you meet a woman who is your equal and your best friend, and then she goes and ****s that all up.


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## BretE (Jan 24, 2008)

That's it. I'm starting to hallucinate.....bedtime......


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## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

Brete said:


> That's it. I'm starting to hallucinate.....bedtime......


Decided I needed a nightcap. Close behind you.

Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk 2


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## Snakebit (Sep 5, 2005)

My EX was giving me heck one day so I asked her do you know why women are only 20% smarter than cows? She said no so I told her that it was so when we pulled their t**s they won't s**t in the floor.


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## tbone2374 (Feb 27, 2010)

KarrMar said:


> Whoever the dumbarse was that said "The truth will set you free" obviously wasn't married.


 Never, never, ever, admit to anything...


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## Aggie87 (Jun 2, 2010)

like mother like daughter...that one didnt go over so well lol


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## Fishin' Soldier (Dec 25, 2007)

Your not the best but your the best I can do. 

Words from a Texas country singer. I thought it was funny. She did not.


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## FishBurd27 (Sep 18, 2012)

Snakebit said:


> My EX was giving me heck one day so I asked her do you know why women are only 20% smarter than cows? She said no so I told her that it was so when we pulled their t**s they won't s**t in the floor.


LMFAO! Oh my, I almost peeed my pants reading this. I'm going to tell my wife this when i get home.. She's cool, she'll laugh, i think... It just may make the list twice sad3sm


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## ReelWork (May 21, 2004)

Our closet is getting cluttered so said we need to clean it. She said "It's not all mine" to which I replied "most of the junk in there is yours" 

Today I get the baited reply "you called my shoes worthless" at the tail end of a statement. 

So we go from a generic, not meaning to be harmful statement where I say we have a lot of "junk" which translated into her things are worthless. How do some women get through the day?


Snakebit - you literally made my morning with that joke!


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## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

To my X, who was well gifted..

anything more than a mouthful is a waste..


:\


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## Ruff (May 21, 2004)

*breathing*

So, one day, the ex-wife was in one of her typical happy moods and is nagging at me over everything.

After a while I am reaching my limit and I let out a loud "sigh" as a hint that I am getting fed up.

She says: why are you doing that, it's anoying, etc., etc.

I say: does my breathing bother you? because if it does, I can stop.

.
.
.
.
I thought it was funny. she went into nagging mode 7.0.

If nagging was an olympic sport, she would have won a medal.


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## Blk Jck 224 (Oct 16, 2009)

Ruff said:


> If nagging was an olympic sport, she would have won a medal.


So I was telling my buddy while out fishing one Sunday afternoon, "Man...My wife has been on my arse lately about how mush I fish,
the house needing to painted, the pool needs some work, gardening that needed to be done, & constantly complaining lately"
He replies, "Sounds like she really is a big nagger"
I confusingly respond, "Not at all...She is a little 5'4" white lady" :frown:


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## poppadawg (Aug 10, 2007)

Gave my wife a vacum cleaner for Xmas the first year we were together. I thought it was very pracitcal. I still hear about that one.


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## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

poppadawg said:


> Gave my wife a vacum cleaner for Xmas the first year we were together. I thought it was very pracitcal. I still hear about that one.


My gf asked for one for her bday a fee weeks ago.

Sent from my PC36100 using Tapatalk 2


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## Snakebit (Sep 5, 2005)

My EX was on my butt for something one day and I asked her if I had ever told my cow theory. She replied no so I explained it to her. I asked her if she knew why women are only 20% smarter than cows. She said no again and I replied that it was so when we pulled their t**s they wont s***t in the floor.


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## Ditto (Apr 18, 2005)

My wife had two kids before we got married. The youngest was three and hell on wheels. We were out to dinner and the three year old was being pretty rowdy. I asked her if she could control her kid. That was it. We were done for the evening. 

Been married 15 years now and she still reminds me about that especially when our son acts up.


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## bh96 (Jan 15, 2012)

Our first year of marriage I thought my wife had a spending problem (since I worked and she didnt) well she overspent our checking account and our cable was turned off and we couldnt get it turned back on. Come Christmas morning we are sitting there and she hands me my gift and says Merry Christmas. She bought me a brand new 30-06 deer rifle. I could tell she was waiting on her gift so I reached over and picked up our remote and turned the T.V. on and said Merry Christmas I paid our cable bill. 


We are still married 16 yrs later


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## Flatfisher6187 (Jun 21, 2007)

Last night my wife and I were talking and somehow sex became the subject and she said, "I think we have a pretty good sex life, don't you?" and my dumba$$ response was "It's not bad." As soon as the words left my mouth I knew she had taken it wrong so I had to backtrack and explain "The sex is good, just not as often as I would like." To which she replies "you should put this on that thread on 2cool" so here I am Lol. May not have been the smartest thing to say in the moment but it worked lol


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## WillieT (Aug 25, 2010)

Flatfisher6187 said:


> Last night my wife and I were talking and somehow sex became the subject and she said, "I think we have a pretty good sex life, don't you?" and my dumba$$ response was "It's not bad." As soon as the words left my mouth I knew she had taken it wrong so I had to backtrack and explain "The sex is good, just not as often as I would like." To which she replies "you should put this on that thread on 2cool" so here I am Lol. May not have been the smartest thing to say in the moment but it worked lol


At least you talk about sex. As you get older you will talk about it less and less. Talking about it will not be the only thing less and less either.


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## rpduke (May 19, 2005)

Pandora was on the tv a couple evenings ago and "Idalou" by Josh Abbott came on and I said, "I dated a girl from Idalou once back in college." Apparently that's not the first time I said that.


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## FISHINFOOL87 (Jun 21, 2010)

NEVER EVER have Honesty Hour........NEVER


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

Before we got married we were living together. She kept bugging me about popping the question. I pulled the old "why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free" cliche on her in a joking way... but she didn't find any humor in it. I still hear about it ten years later. I also hear about how she had to propose because I was putting it off... I told her it would be soon but she wouldn't listen. So, one night watching a movie on the couch, she asked me. I thought she was badgering me because she kept bringing it up and I made a grave mistake... I let a snicker escape. To this day I get grief for "laughing" at her when she asked me to marry her. These problems could be avoided if womenfolk could be a little more patient!


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## Wolf6151 (Jun 13, 2005)

sweenyite said:


> Before we got married we were living together. She kept bugging me about popping the question. I pulled the old "why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free" cliche on her in a joking way... but she didn't find any humor in it. I still hear about it ten years later. I also hear about how she had to propose because I was putting it off... I told her it would be soon but she wouldn't listen. So, one night watching a movie on the couch, she asked me. I thought she was badgering me because she kept bringing it up and I made a grave mistake... I let a snicker escape. To this day I get grief for "laughing" at her when she asked me to marry her. *These problems could be avoided if womenfolk could be a little more patient!*


These problems could be avoided if women could just be quiet. I love my wife but they yak way to much. Silence is a good thing.


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## RACER (Mar 15, 2006)

Thoughts to ponder...

So many of these stories start out with my x wife!
we never learn!!!!


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