# old sayings



## wadefish1 (Nov 19, 2008)

What old sayings where you brought up with? Dumber than a box o rocks,toad strangler, etc?


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## The1ThatGotAway (Jun 24, 2009)

That boy's so dense that light bends around him


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## catndahats (Sep 15, 2005)

"finer than frog hair"..........


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

flatter than a flitter
dollars to donuts
drunk'r than cooter brown

my grandmother was from east TX, I got a bunch of these.


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## texasdave (Aug 15, 2005)

He's/She's so narrow minded he can see through a keyhole with both eyes at the same time.


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## qapd (Nov 10, 2004)

*Old Sayings*

Hard Rain = Frog Strangler


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## Blk Jck 224 (Oct 16, 2009)

'If you don't have time to do it right the first time, how in the hail do you think you will have time to do it over again'

'Hey boy...Get up off your arse and fetch me another beer, I've got a bone in my leg'

RIP Grandpa. :smile:


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## Larry Pure (May 18, 2006)

Lost items are always in the last place you look. (Grandfather )


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## 71 Fish (Dec 21, 2005)

Worked with a guy that when asked where someone was he'd say "He went to s**t and the hogs ate him and wont be back till the hogs s**t".


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## texjam (Jun 6, 2006)

" You'd gripe if you were hung with a new rope"

"If I tell you a billy goat'll pull a freight train, you hook him up"

My dad

" Don't let that hole close up" my granddad, in regards to working on our crewboats and dropping a wrench overboard.

" **** on the parade, let's go to the big top" Evidently my granddad's take on the circus coming to town in turn of century New Orleans, meaning, "Let's go".


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## teamgafftop1 (Aug 30, 2010)

"You ain't got the sense God gave little chickens."

"Ain't smart enough to get out of the rain."

"Boy, you better straighten up or I'll skin you alive."

"Boy, you better straighten up or tan your hide."

"You can lead a horse to water but I'll be da...ned if I'll suck his arse to make him drink."


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## willeye (Mar 2, 2007)

KEEP ON BOY, AND I'M GONNA STOMP A MUNDHOLE IN YOUR ARSE!!
NEW RIGHT THEN IT WAS TIME TO SETTLE DOWN.
and if he said i'm gonna stomp a mudhole in your arse and walk it dry. 
it was time to run.


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## Tortuga (May 21, 2004)

qapd said:


> Hard Rain = Frog Strangler


OR....

Hard Rain = East Texas Turd Floater...


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## gp2394 (Jul 1, 2008)

if it ain't broke, don't fix it
a fast chitting dog don't chit long
if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about


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## Poon Chaser (Aug 22, 2006)

"I would pee on a spark plug if I thought it would help"... good for any situation where you have nothing else to offer.

LOL


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## mustangeric (May 22, 2010)

"boy if your going to be stupid you better be tough cause stupid hurts"


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## SURF Buster (Feb 17, 2008)

It's colder than a well diggers arse in Montana!!!!!!!!!!


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## captduane (Feb 24, 2011)

its hotter than two mice screwing in a wool sock....discribes this summer!!!


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## spike404 (Sep 13, 2010)

Never trust a man whose *** is wider than his shoulders.


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## diveback (Jan 29, 2007)

in response to me working on things as a kid

"you messed it up like a soup sandwich"

others that I heard

you so bright you dad calls you son
he's as sharp as a cue ball

My grandpaw was full of these


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## bzrk180 (Jan 7, 2008)

You wanna cry?? I will give ya something to cry about!


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## mastercylinder60 (Dec 18, 2005)

Blk Jck 224 said:


> 'If you don't have time to do it right the first time, how in the hail do you think you will have time to do it over again'


my dad used to say, "if you're going to do something, do it right, or don't waste your time doing it at all."

i miss my ol' man.


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## Blk Jck 224 (Oct 16, 2009)

captduane said:


> its hotter than two mice screwing in a wool sock....discribes this summer!!!


LOL...hotter than a fresh fu<#@d fox in a forest fire...


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## patwilson (Jan 13, 2006)

"Get outside and find something to do or I'll find something you can do!" It didn't take long to dissapear when I was a kid...


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## Tortuga (May 21, 2004)

"I'd lie to a man that wears a belt.......

I'd lie to a man that wears suspenders.....

But, I'd *NEVER *lie to a man that wears a belt *AND *suspenders."

and...my ol' Daddy's favorite advice to me....

"Son..always trust EVERYBODY....but go ahead and cut the cards anyway "....lol


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## Livininlogs (Oct 12, 2005)

Better to be hated for being yourself than liked for acting like another

I'm just a nobody, trying to tell everybody, about somebody, that wants to save everybody


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## jiginit (Jun 8, 2010)

Used to be told.

You got two hands, s*** in one hand and want in the other, see which one fills up faster.


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## Poon Chaser (Aug 22, 2006)

Its hotter than a jar of red ants


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## nightgigger (Oct 13, 2008)

Never trust anyone who keeps all of their assets on wheels!
He is in high cotton!
Return things borrowed is as good or better shape than you got them in!
work smarter, not harder!
Don't reinvent the wheel!


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## rlw (May 21, 2004)

That dumb arse couldn't pour pizz out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.

boy u done crapped in your mess kit now!!!

measure twice cut once. 

U can always cut it off, but u sure as hell can't cut it back on now can ya??


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## polacko (Jun 24, 2009)

Dad always said (This chit is coming to a screeching halt.) I dont know why.


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## rlw (May 21, 2004)

If it don't fit get a bigger hammer!! 

pizz on the fire and call the dogs!! (Bed time at the deer lease)

If I tell ya a pizz ant can haul a bale a hay, u just hitch him up!!!

Gotta see a man about a dog. (and then disappear in the woods at the lease)


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## The1ThatGotAway (Jun 24, 2009)

Old guy out at the plamt used to say (when he tied something or buttoned something up) "That's tigheter than a frogs ***, and those are water tight".

My dads personal favorite, "If you don't settle down, I'm gonna take my knife out and cut your pecker off".


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## Tom (Jul 14, 2005)

Useless as a broke d- - - dog


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## T_Sebastian (May 12, 2010)

The1ThatGotAway said:


> Old guy out at the plamt used to say (when he tied something or buttoned something up) "That's tigheter than a frogs ***, and those are water tight".
> 
> My dads personal favorite, "If you don't settle down, I'm gonna take my knife out and cut your pecker off".


LOL
tighter than a nun's #%&^

or

Harder than a preachers )#*&


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## rlw (May 21, 2004)

happier than a two petered puppy


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## texasdave (Aug 15, 2005)

Colder than a well diggers arse or colder than a dead witch's t!t in an iron clad bra.


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## rut_row (Nov 24, 2009)

Company and fish stink after three days


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## Poon Chaser (Aug 22, 2006)

everyone brings joy to my office... some when they enter... some when they leave.


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## StinkBait (May 31, 2004)

Don't be dipping your pen in the company ink.

Raining harder than a cow pizzing on a flat rock.


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## Quepos1 (Jan 21, 2011)

*A few*

She is as ugly as a mud fence
He would argue with a fence post
It is so hot you have to prime yourself to spit
Sharp as a dull tack
Eating high on the hog
Horny as a billy goat
He would f up a wet dream
Dumb as a box of rocks


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## Tortuga (May 21, 2004)

"Ain't seen nuthin' that funny since Granny got her tit caught in the wringer "..LOL


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## AggieAngler12 (Aug 4, 2010)

Dad always says "Well if i agreed with you we'd both be wrong"


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## MEGABITE (May 21, 2004)

______ TX, where the sun never sets and they bite everyday.


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## sofa king (Aug 25, 2005)

*In the buisness world*

You can sheer a sheep many times,
But you can only skin him once.


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## Bob Keyes (Mar 16, 2011)

*Well let's see here*

Dumber than a bag of hammers

Stupid as a bag of hair

Shot at and hit, **** at and hit too

Don't go huntin' bears with a flyswatter

and last but not least

Some learn by listening, some learn by watching, the rest have got to pee on the electric fence themself!


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## rut_row (Nov 24, 2009)

Parents.....Do as I say, don't do as I do.


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## CrabBait (May 28, 2005)

Rarer than chicken lips....(sorry chickenboy)

Good as snuff!

Like a dog trying to chit out a peach seed...(application TBD)

Like a monkey in a bordello with a fist full of bananas!...(that would be me in Academy)

CB


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## T_Sebastian (May 12, 2010)

"dont make me call your daddy!"


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## rut_row (Nov 24, 2009)

T_Sebastian said:


> "dont make me call your daddy!"


 it was different for me... "dont make me call your Mother" She was a lot meaner than my dad!


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## CrabBait (May 28, 2005)

T_Sebastian said:


> "dont make me call your daddy!"


Well...and the obvious...."wait till your dad get's home!"

and "go out and pick a switch!". I would get a thin one and was then told it was not sufficient. "Go try again!" The worst part was picking the switch! LOL Deserved it every time.

CB


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## DANO (May 23, 2005)

ya look like ya got pulled thru a knot hole backwards.

when hell freezes over.

he could sell ice to an eskimo.


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## Pistol58 (Oct 9, 2009)

Higher than giraffe ***** (gas prices)

Im not sure if they are "old" but some of my favorites: (all from the king of one liners Roy D Mercer)

Im gonna kick your *** so hard you'll have to clear your throat to cough.
Im gonna be on you like ugly on a Baldwin brother
Ill be on you like a rat on a cheeto
Ill put a pop knock on your head big enough to high center a jeep.
Im gonna clean yer clock, then whoop your *** for not knowing what time it is
I'll be on you like rust on a pumpjack
I'm tougher than a 2 dollar steak! 
I'll be on you like Bobby Knight on a point guard! 
I'm fixin to tear into you like dad gum cordouroy into a hemmorhoid!
I'm gonna be on you like a wet fart on satin undies! 
I'll be on you like ants on a fish head! 
I was gettin ready to be on you like a cockroach on a honeybun! 
I am comin down thur with a 55 gallon drum of *** whippin, and I'm pourin it on you
I'll put a pop knot on ya big enough for a calf to s-u-c-k on. 
I'll be on ya' like Michael Jackson on a Boy Scout


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## CrabBait (May 28, 2005)

Think twice before speaking once!

CB


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## rattletrap (Sep 9, 2005)

off your *** and on your feet...... out the shade and in the heat .

Never leave fish to go find fish .


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## The1ThatGotAway (Jun 24, 2009)

Don't get your meat where you get your bread


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## RickyMartin (May 27, 2009)

He can F*** up an anvil with a marshmellow.
Luckier than a two peckered billy goat.


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## rlw (May 21, 2004)

I'm fixin to be on u like a duck on a junebug!!!


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## rut_row (Nov 24, 2009)

I'm going to knock you into the middle of the week (lol)


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## rlw (May 21, 2004)

ugly enough to stop an eight day clock!!

ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road!!


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## Quepos1 (Jan 21, 2011)

*Another*

She is so ugly she would back a buzzard off a gut wagon.
So ugly she would gag a maggot
I'll snatch a knot in your head
When you would wish for something my mother would say, "People in Hell wish they had ice water too."
When I would bug my mother to give me a ride somewhere (we lived out in the country) she would say, "Walking isn't crowded".
If she wanted you to do something and you said wait, she would reply, "Weight is what broke the cart down."


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## batmaninja (Jul 15, 2010)

My old roomates favorite was "I would rather *ack off a bobcat in a phone booth" when he was ever asked to get off his arse or put his beer down.


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## Nwilkins (Jan 18, 2009)

When my mon was mad, she'd say, I'm gonna take you to fist city

I also grew up thinking our living room ~~~~~ was the in Yonder, cause I'd ask where is this or that and mom would say, it's in yonder


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## CrabBait (May 28, 2005)

Don't chit in the same place you eat!

CB


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## teamgafftop1 (Aug 30, 2010)

I don't remember what I was doing at the time (because I was a great kid who never got into any trouble) but my dad told me that if I didn't knock it off he was going to "hit me so hard my teeth would fly out my ears like machine gun shells." That was an interesting visual.


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## Bob Keyes (Mar 16, 2011)

willeye said:


> KEEP ON BOY, AND I'M GONNA STOMP A MUNDHOLE IN YOUR ARSE!!
> NEW RIGHT THEN IT WAS TIME TO SETTLE DOWN.
> and if he said i'm gonna stomp a mudhole in your arse and walk it dry.
> it was time to run.


I heard them too when i was young, when I heard the first one I worried a little, when I heard the second one I got plumb scared, but when I got told " Boy, you're so dumb you done cut your own switch" I'd go hide under the bed:help: (that never worked but you can't blame me for trying)

Bob


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

Nwilkins said:


> When my mon was mad, she'd say, I'm gonna take you to fist city
> 
> I also grew up thinking our living room ~~~~~ was the in Yonder, cause I'd ask where is this or that and mom would say, it's in yonder


oh yeah, Nana said "out yonder" all the time...but it usually came out kinda like "owchonder"

hard to type it, but if you ever heard it - you know what I mean.


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## rlw (May 21, 2004)

I'm gonna hit u on the head so hard it's gonna break both your ankles!!!


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## rut_row (Nov 24, 2009)

Lying is like being pregnant, sooner or later everyone will know


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## Bob Keyes (Mar 16, 2011)

One of the best combinations I ever heard happened at at a friend's ranch. After his 9 year old son backsassed him, my friend jumped up took off his belt, and headed after his son. The chase was on! After a merry chase through the dooryard the boy slips and his daddy catches him, as he is spanking him to the house I heard him say "Boy, if you hadn't run I wouldn't be whipping you so much". His son replied" if I hadn't slipped in the mud, you wouldn't be whipping me at all"! Way wrong answer!!!!!!!!!!!!! We can say really dumb things when we are young!!!!!!!!!!


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## Duckchasr (Apr 27, 2011)

I'll be along directly. 
Useless as teets on a boar hog.
Fair to middlin.
I recon...


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## rlw (May 21, 2004)

When somebody would try to get in on our conversation an old oil patch buddy would say
" I didn't tell ya?" to which the answer was "no" then he would reply "then I gues it aint none of your dam business then!!!"


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## Bill Fisher (Apr 12, 2006)

a bird-in-the-hand gathers no moss.........

don't hatch your chickens before they learn how to count........

a penny saved has been taxed to-hell-n-back.........

she was uglier'n a bowling shoe.........
could haunt a house all by herself.......
had to sneak up on a glass o'water just to get a drink........
talk about being beat with the 'ugly stick'!........ whoa!

you can lead a horse to water butchoo can't make'im gather moss

a stitch in time is worth two-in-the-bush..........

the 'toothbrush' was invented in Arkansas...... anywhere else and it woulda been called a 'teethbrush'


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## bluefin (Aug 16, 2005)

AggieAngler12 said:


> Dad always says "Well if i agreed with you we'd both be wrong"


I like that! Have to use it sometime.


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## mustangeric (May 22, 2010)

how bout "boy are you crying? Do you want me to give you something to cry about?"


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## bluefin (Aug 16, 2005)

Pistol58 said:


> Higher than giraffe ***** (gas prices)
> 
> Im not sure if they are "old" but some of my favorites: (all from the king of one liners Roy D Mercer)
> 
> ...


Ummm Pistol,

Do you have some 'family issues'?


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## Gasspergoo (Nov 14, 2010)

Stronger than Kentucky race horse pizz with the foam farted off.

rip Uncle Dub


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## Bowzer (Dec 2, 2010)

When saying "...well so and so is doing it...", the reply would be:
"Don't drink downstream from the herd, boy."

Don't trust a woman whose hair is bigger than her arse.

Something slippery or best idea of the day = "Slicker than snot on a glass doorknob".

She must have fell out of the ugly tree...and hit every branch on the way down.

My ex "could make a Bishop kick out a stained glass window".

More nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

More nervous than a whore in church.


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## Reel Hooker (Oct 14, 2009)

NaNaw used to tell Shimanoman08 and I........."Boy's, I'm gunna whooop the *iss outta ya.........then whoop ya for *iss'n in your pants!" At that point......we knew we was in some serious trouble!


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## reb5618 (Feb 2, 2006)

When I was about 10 or so and would spit out a "Captain Obvious" statement, my Grandpa's favorite response was always:

"Boy your just like a rat t**d, sharp at both ends." 

Miss you Grandpa...


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## The1ThatGotAway (Jun 24, 2009)

*i know i shouldn't*

My poor dad, bless his heart has been a truck driver all of his life. So in honor of him, here's a couple more.

That's grosser than a hickey on a hemorrhoid.

I'm so hungry that I could eat the *** hole out of a menstruating skunk


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## JenniBear (Jul 2, 2010)

If you don't knock it off, I'm gonna give you something to cry about! 

You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna kick your "butt" into next week. 

(None of those ever made sense!)

or recently....

Wait until your daddy gets home!

or Duckchasr's favorite....

To tell you the truth....

He hasn't said that in a while....wonder what he's hiding?


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## ByGodTx (Sep 15, 2010)

Uglier than a homemade rake.

Scat cat tails in the gravy!

If Gods will'n and the creek dont rise.

Drunk as a fiddler.


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## Waymore (Jul 6, 2011)

I ain't had so much fun since the hogs ate my little sister:bounce:


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## bubbas kenner (Sep 4, 2010)

Pendejo.


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## Hooverhog (Mar 20, 2011)

Madder than a wet hen.
Quicker than a cat can lick it's #ss.
Lower than a hog's tail on market day.
Look's like death sittin on a corner suckin on a Lifesaver.


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## surfspeck (Jun 7, 2006)

You dont have sense God gave a goose!


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## cva34 (Dec 22, 2008)

*Caseing*

Back in early 60s I worked at a filling station...Had an old man (real Old) drove up and said : Put some some wind in my casing. After quizzing him a minute I found out he wanted me to put air in his tire...cva34


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## cuzn dave (Nov 29, 2008)

We could use a good ole gulleywasher, frogstrangler or turdfloater right now.


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## tbone2374 (Feb 27, 2010)

Grandpa... a hundred years from now, you won't know the difference!


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## spur (May 30, 2004)

dont let your alligator mouth over load your humming bird arse


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## 100 FATHOMS (Dec 28, 2006)

Only the lead dog has a good view.


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## Mahibosa (Sep 27, 2009)

lower'n a snakes belly
more nervous than a hore in church
busier'n a one legged man in an *** kickin' contest
busier'n a cat coverin' chit
If I wanted any chit outta you I'd squeeze yer head! :biggrin:


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## shooks (May 12, 2010)

Saw this in a Mexico bar(bath room) 20 years ago, Act like dad not like sis lift the lid when you pi**.


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## Roger (Aug 12, 2005)

Rain'n like a cow ****'n on a flat rock.....


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## Titus Bass (Dec 26, 2008)

You can lead a gift horse to the water, but you can't look him in the mouth while he drinks.......


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## Mahibosa (Sep 27, 2009)

Here's one my Great Grandma ( Granny ) used to say when we were playing dominos..." If you can't count...cut".
Unfortunately I see people who use that philosophy in evryday life.


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## Harbormaster (May 26, 2000)

"That boy couldn't do ten pushups with the Goodyear Blimp strapped to his arse!" :smile:


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## essayons75 (May 15, 2006)

How's ya mama n'em?


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## shooks (May 12, 2010)

My new one is, We will catch fish next time.


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## RobRed (Jan 9, 2011)

*Wow Memories*

"Boy, Your worse than tits on a boar hog"


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## essayons75 (May 15, 2006)

I've known him since Moby Dick was a Top Minner.

Queer as a football bat.

Son, I'll unscrew your belly button and turn you inside out (My grandpaw's and we believed him).


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## dmwz71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Keep on doin' what you've been doin' and you'll keep on gittin' what you've been gitttin'!!!!


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## EGT Limited (Jul 30, 2004)

"Just because you put your boots in the oven, don't make'm biscuts"


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## JayTray (Jan 8, 2011)

Good lookin women: " she'd make a small dog break a BIG rope!"

misc: " you working out?? Your arms are swoll up like BROOMSTICKS! "

Worthless stuff: " 'bout like t1ts on a boar hog"

Hot weather: "sweatin like a wh0re in church"

Loud mouths : "dont let that bulldog mouth overload your puppydog arse"

More load mouths : " He's all hat and no cattle"

and more loud mouths: " any story that takes longer than 5 min to tell is usually BS!! "


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## RG (Jun 7, 2006)

Brake every bone in your body and the long ones twice
That biych could eat pears through a picket fence....


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## Reel Time (Oct 6, 2009)

Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.


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## live2fish247 (Jul 31, 2007)

When I would whine about something Dad would make a circular motion with his thumb over his fist and ask me if I knew what it was. It was "the worlds smallest record player playing My Heart Bleeds For You".
Had a football coach who'd tell us to run by saying "I dont want to see nothing but ********* and elbows"

Sent from my SCH-I510 using Tapatalk


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## coachlaw (Oct 26, 2005)

Two from my grrandfather:

"Boy, never try to understand women. They're a breed apart. Live with them, love them, and TRY to make them happy. Trying to understand them can only lead to ruin."

"Boy, you understand that estrogen causes insanity, right? Just deal with it."


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## live2fish247 (Jul 31, 2007)

"I'll hit you so hard and so fast you'll be sayin y'all quit."



Sent from my SCH-I510 using Tapatalk


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## Alexnillo (Jan 10, 2008)

"She's been rode hard and put up wet"

"Don't get me to lying"

"I'll whip you with a wet noodle"

"She got beat with an ugly stick"


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## Sidewinder (Jun 5, 2006)

"Your like a blind dog in a meat house"

"Your like a bull moose in a china cabinet"

"You could tear up a crowbar in a sand box"

"He ain't got sense to pour **** out of a boot with directions on the heel"


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## portalto (Oct 1, 2004)

Well, I can't type in English what was said in Czech but I will do it phonetically
Ye da neshki - translation - what the heck are you doing?
Got dauty - If you heard this, you were in major trouble.


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## Whitebassfisher (May 4, 2007)

Show me a man who says he understands women and I will show you an idiot.

My personal saying: "Old sayings got to be old sayings because they are true."


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## SURF Buster (Feb 17, 2008)

Smile at me like that again, and I will slap it to the other side of your head.

Get that ***** eating grin off your face.


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## The1ThatGotAway (Jun 24, 2009)

What r u waitin' on, Christmas?


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## Boatflounder (Mar 12, 2007)

Like a monkey @@cking a football is one of myh favoritem of course i work offshore so get to use it a lot!


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## BertS (May 21, 2004)

chit phar and save matches.

big trouble always followed from my grandma after hearing that. usually meant I did something pretty daring to scare her like that.


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## rlw (May 21, 2004)

That boy's like an alligator, all mouth and no ears!!!


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## Poon Chaser (Aug 22, 2006)

That light aint getting any greener


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## seabo (Jun 29, 2006)

in memory of D Woods ! that boy !, buy him books ,send him to school, and what does he do ? eats the teacher! if he had half a brain he'd take it out and play with it! it ain't that the boy don't know nothin ,he don't even suspect nothin !


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## Quepos1 (Jan 21, 2011)

*A couple more*

When you haven't seen someone in a while: "Dam, I thought you died and the hogs ate you.

"He was grinning like a mule eating briars"


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## 100 FATHOMS (Dec 28, 2006)

This is one from an old rancher...Never shorten up your rope til you measure up your horse.


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## BertS (May 21, 2004)

fell out of the ugly tree...........




















and hit every branch on the way down.


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## tx1911 (Sep 1, 2009)

"You waitin' for an engraved invitation?"

"If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck..."

Not politically correct, but when there was a minor, unimportant achievement "And? That's like being the world's tallest midget"


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## reddrummer (Feb 17, 2010)

Son, it's OK to learn lessons the hard way, but you don't have to learn em all the hard way!


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## CentexPW (Jun 22, 2004)

sharper than a bowling ball

And my Dad's favorite description of my brother in law. " He doesn't have enough common sense to pour **** out of his boots"


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## Htown (Mar 28, 2007)

*sayings*

Related: 
You have an alligator mouth and a mockingbird a##.
Don't cash checks that your a## can't back up.

Related:
She' so ugly she has to sneak up on a mirror.
(my favorite) Beauty is a light switch away.

Htown


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## NaClH2O (May 25, 2004)

Slicker'n a bucket of hog livers
Does a chicken have lips?
Off like a t**d of hurtles
Colder than a witche's t***ie on the shady side of an iceberg on a windy day
Hotter than two hamsters h****n' in a wool sock
The words gotcheyed and cattywompus

My dad's got a million of them, but this is all I can remember right now.


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## FARTS-N-MATCHES (Apr 20, 2011)

that girl's got enough ***** to make a donkey farm

she is so ugly it looks like her face caught on fire and was put out with a wet chain

nuttier than squirel t***s


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## FARTS-N-MATCHES (Apr 20, 2011)

stinks like a bucket full of ***holes


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## IsleSurfChunker (Sep 25, 2009)

I used to have a foreman that told us "Give me your cigarettes and give me your watches, you ain't got time to smoke and I'll tell you what time it is to quit" LOL tough old bird.
The only way you became foreman on this crew was if you whupped the current foreman. I had a blast on this job.


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## captdean (Mar 26, 2007)

elevator dont go to the top floor 

trust in GOD but keep your ammo handy

confused as a blind queer in a hot dog factory


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## captdean (Mar 26, 2007)

you have two ears and one mouth,should listen twice as much as you talk


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## Green Dog (Jun 25, 2010)

Busier than a one legged man in an a** kicking contest


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## rainbowrunner (Dec 31, 2005)

Busier than a chithouse mouse..
Quicker n cat in a room full of rocking chairs...
He ain't gonna let o till it thunders...
Colder than a witches tit...
I swanee...


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## Boatflounder (Mar 12, 2007)

Green Dog said:


> Busier than a one legged man in an a** kicking contest


 actually think i saw an ultimate fighter the other day who had lost a leg, so this one loses some cred now!


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## SURF Buster (Feb 17, 2008)

Dont get your honey where you get your money......

And from a older brother,advise with women,
Find em
Feel em
****em
Forget em.


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## IsleSurfChunker (Sep 25, 2009)

rainbowrunner said:


> Busier than a chithouse mouse..
> Quicker n cat in a room full of rocking chairs...
> He ain't gonna let o till it thunders...
> Colder than a witches tit...
> I swanee...


I find it interesting that you included "I swanee". Are you or your people from the Carolinas' by any chance? The reason I ask is my wife is from NC, and I have been there many times visiting and heard many, many folks say "I swan or swanee". I was curious and asked why they say this word. I was told you are not supposed to swear to take the Lords name in vane so this is their was of getting around "I swear" and so on. 
I also heard a few other sayings that if you were not from NC you'd have no idea what they were talking about, like a child being "rotten to the bed".


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## IsleSurfChunker (Sep 25, 2009)

My Grandma used to say "if you boys don't listen, you're going to have to feel". And it still makes sense after 50 years.


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## HoustonKid (Dec 29, 2005)

Son, you could tear up a metal anvil with a plastic mallet locked in a rubber room.

Like a martin to his gourde.
Dumber than a chit house mouse.
Slicker than *** off a ****** ***** gold tooth.
Drunker than cooter brown.

My old man had many that would not quite be politically correct now a days.


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## bludaze (Sep 1, 2004)

ol Grandad had a few

Boy.....you aint a woofin

Shaking like a dog sh****g a peach seed

harder than a preachers dick


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## TheAnt (Jul 1, 2008)

That's a pubic hair... lots say it and don't know that... regardless it can't be the best compliment one could get, heh.



bubbas kenner said:


> Pendejo.


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## TheAnt (Jul 1, 2008)

When I musta been 5 or 6 with my grandma babysitting the evil gang of 3. I sneezed, looked at my hands and she said "If it wasn't so much you'd a thought it was your brains!" Then she cackled maybe the loudest I ever heard of her.


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## TheAnt (Jul 1, 2008)

Grandpa used to say after cleanin' the spark plugs it "ran like a carbureator on a cat's ***." or "ran like a spotted ape".

Dad would kick me in the shin and ask, "Got your boots on?" ... I never did.

That boy is sharp as a stick of hot butter
That boy is sharp as a marshmallow
That dog don't hunt

Keep this secret: "Between you, me, and that fencepost..."

She was so well endowed she would fall over frontwards if she didn't have clown shoes on.

Then too, her feet are small because nothin' grows well in the shade.

She could fall over frontwards, never hit her nose, and bounce right back on her feet.

When she runs it looks lke she'd beat herself to death with those.

TheAnt "Has been known to backlash toilet paper"

"I'd rather slide down a razorblade into a bowl of alcohol than..."

Ya know it hurts so much when you injure a small body part like stumpin' your little toe? I got a headache you wouldn't believe.

I lost my mind... small things are so easy to lose.

I would say I'm losing it but that presupposes that I actually *had* it at one time or another.

He's going crazy. It'll be a short trip.

He is at death's door, we hope the doctor can pull him through.

Snatchback used to say: (... next post)


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## Bozo (Jun 16, 2004)

Any time Dad saw a gal with acne scars he'd say, "she looks like her face caught fire and somebody stomped it out wearing golf shoes."

If she had bad hair, "she has audabeen hair". You mean auburn? "No. Audabeen on a goats butt!"


Grandmother's favorite was, "sh!t fire and save the matches." And "cain't never could"


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## Mrs Backlasher (Dec 19, 2004)

One I haven't seen here is:

I haven't seen you since you were knee-high to a grasshopper.


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## saltgrassdrifter (May 23, 2004)

If you are going to be stupid you got to be tough.I'd hear this when I got hurt doing something dumb.


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## Melon (Jun 1, 2004)

*Limetruese Always! *


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## Alexnillo (Jan 10, 2008)

"this ain't your first rodeo"

"smells like crackwoof"

"you could find it if had hair on it"


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## Shakedown282 (Aug 15, 2010)

This old guy from West Virginia that worked with us used to say, when someone did something stupid on the road. They couldn't drive a pine plug up a billygoats arse


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## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

Well if that don't beat a hen a peckin' without a pecker!


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## Roger (Aug 12, 2005)

"Rain'n like a cow ****'n on a flat rock"


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## Big Willy (Jun 20, 2007)

High cotton. As in, something fancy or someone doing well. I use it all the time and people think it is hilarious.

Toad Strangler, gully washer, useless as teats on a boar, that dog will hunt, ain't got a pot to **** in, etc...


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## BIG JIMMIE (May 21, 2004)

slicker than snot on a door knob


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## Pistol58 (Oct 9, 2009)

Slick'r than owl sh**


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## BertS (May 21, 2004)

I learned this one from Uncle Harbor.

"She's prettier than a mare's arse on prom night!"


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## DEG (May 29, 2006)

Grandpa used to say about someone not to bright "Whoopsy does what Whoopsy knows, Whoopsy just don't know to durned much. 

Some of my favorites I still use. 

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the mornin'

I'll hit you so hard you'll starve to death before you quit slidin'

My uncle used to say: if I tell you a bullfrog is gonna pull a freight train, you better git yer arse off the tracks


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## Reef Dawg (Dec 20, 2004)

Be like a duck, flat footed and don't give a f__k, if it don't rain we'll walk.

Don't you look at me in that tone of voice!

If you do that I'm gonna put knuckle bumps on your head faster than you can rub them.


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## Bukkskin (Oct 21, 2009)

Redder than a foxs' "arse" in Persimmon time.
Busier than a 3 _eckered billy Goat.
Busier than a one armed Paper hanger.
Sharp as a Marble.
Dumb as a stump.

Heard a bunch that ya'll have already mentioned.


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## Bozo (Jun 16, 2004)

Shakedown282 said:


> This old guy from West Virginia that worked with us used to say, when someone did something stupid on the road. They couldn't drive a pine plug up a billygoats arse


I've heard "couldn't drive a greased stick up a dogs butt" and "couldn't drive hot poker into a snow bank" and also, "couldn't cut butter with a hot knife" used in similar situations.


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## acoastalbender (Jul 16, 2011)

Lotsa good ones here, some not heard in dogs life some never but have a few more:

Don't know why we haven't seen this one....does a bear s*** in the woods?
Another take on the yes answer.........only if I'm alone or with someone.
On work and repairs.......A job worth doin' is a job worth doin' right.
.......leave well enough alone.
.......he could FU a train wreck.
Intelligence....................couldn't find his a** with both hands.
....................porch lights on but nobody's home.
On picking a fight...........you gonna run home and tell your momma a BOA beat you up?
...........why I could stand flatfoot and s*** over a 5 rail fence and 
you call me a BOA?
..........a d*** 4 miles long and a wheelbarra full o B***s and you call
me BOA?!
..........my name ain't leroy
And after washing your ride you took it to "blow off the water" and it "ran like a scalded
dog!"


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## Bob Keyes (Mar 16, 2011)

I can remember Granny telling me "Boy you had better stop that 'fore I whip your butt till you can heat up your bath water by just settin' in it". I didn't think was that true.........I was VERY WRONG she made a believer of me for sure!!!!!!!!!!!

Bob


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## rlw (May 21, 2004)

Buddy was the youngest in the crew but taped out at 6-5. His response to some one poppin off about being a boy.

"Hell I aint been a boy since I was your size"


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## polecat ridge (Feb 25, 2010)

I'm busier than a one legged man in an arse kickin contest

I've had more hell than a one armed flagpole painter


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## big bluemarlin (Apr 12, 2006)

i gotta p.. so bad i can taste it


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## big bluemarlin (Apr 12, 2006)

but my favorite is , lets just get drunk and get it over with


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## acoastalbender (Jul 16, 2011)

..........I wouldn't eat _that_ with your lips.........!


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## Hevy Dee (May 26, 2004)

*memories*

"hotter than a **** at a proctology convention"


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## Barnacle Bill (May 21, 2004)

"Whatever you do to my daughter, I'm gonna do to you." - My high school girlfriend's father... Thank GOD she never told him what we did in the barn every Sunday afternoon...


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## Aces Full (Aug 10, 2005)

"Don't just stand there and eye f**k it, get your hands on it"


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## Aces Full (Aug 10, 2005)

"You're like a blister. Show up after the works done"


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## big bluemarlin (Apr 12, 2006)

why dont you just put that in your pipe an smoke


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## TheAnt (Jul 1, 2008)

I hope I haven't missed this if posted already.

To one utters the less euphemistic word for defecated matter:

Something just came out of your mouth that I wouldn't even hold in my hand!

An old curmudgeon I knew said "That is an earthenware defectorium!" <- a crock of the aforementioned matter.


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## YakMan (Dec 2, 2005)

Slicker than owl sh*# on a hot tin roof
Will put my foot so far up your rear you will taste nothin but shoe polish
Snatch a knot out your a...
Had a foreman from the plant the other day ask us ''You trying to say my crew wears pull on boots cause they aint smart nuff to tie shoes?''
That boy could hurt himself with a rubber ball in a padded room.
colder than a well diggers a...
Boy,Im like a flat footed duck. I dont give a ..............quack!
After fishin=Where did ya catch'em? In da water.
Could [email protected]# through a screen door!


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## TheAnt (Jul 1, 2008)

I had a boss say somethink like this once when my foreman (uncle) called me boy... "Ten pounds of swingin' meat and a bucket of balls and you call _*me *_"boy"?"



acoastalbender said:


> Lotsa good ones here, some not heard in dogs life some never but have a few more:
> ...
> 
> ..........a d*** 4 miles long and a wheelbarra full o B***s and you call
> ...


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## fishNwithfish (Aug 17, 2011)

all time favorite from my IDOL "Aint that a fine howdy doo" (Bill Dance)


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## TheAnt (Jul 1, 2008)

gotta pee so bad my back teeth is floatin'!



mataboy said:


> i gotta p.. so bad i can taste it


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## TheAnt (Jul 1, 2008)

You sound like a good candidate for a rectal crainectomy!

btw, I have rectalcrainectomy.com registered as a domain name.



acoastalbender said:


> ..........I wouldn't eat _that_ with your lips.........!


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## Backcast (Jul 22, 2005)

I am from East Texas: Can't just think of sayings but give me the right situation and they just roll out:

Handy as a pocket on a shirt

Built like a brick sh#$ house

[email protected]#k up a ball bearing

Brain is like a BB rolling in a matchbox

Wound up like an eight day clock

[email protected] like a pet ****

lollygagging around

acts like a drop of water on a hot skillet


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## fishNwithfish (Aug 17, 2011)

man its hotter than clamydia!!(that one i made up lol)
more frustrated than a legless ethiopian watchin a donut roll down the hill!!
use your head and i mean the one on your shoulders son!!
young dumb and full of c*m
want in one hand and sh** in the other and see which one gets full the fastest!!
that girls fatter than a 3/4 ton pickup!!(that one i made up lol)
i reckon!!
your bout as smart as a I-phone(that one i made up lol)


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## sandollar_sa (Jul 28, 2011)

that I was "like a fart in a frying pan" (reckless, I guess)
there's a ****** in the woodpile somewhere or sweatin like a... at election (neither of these people had a prejudice bone in their bodies)
that someone "has the guts of a government mule"
I heard "hard heads have to feel" a LOT

I had to smile at I swanee (not from NC- Clarksville, Tx & Fredericksburg/ Blanco. Mississippi way back) 
& wonder if "dreckley" (directly) is here somewhere.

ETA oh, and not knowing if they want to s**t, spit, or go blind


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## fishNwithfish (Aug 17, 2011)

sandollar_sa said:


> that I was "like a fart in a frying pan" (reckless, I guess)
> there's a ****** in the woodpile somewhere or sweatin like a... at election (neither of these people had a prejudice bone in their bodies)
> that someone "has the guts of a government mule"
> I heard "hard heads have to feel" a LOT
> ...


lol don't worry i know alot of N word ones just cuz my great grandpa used to tell me some back in the day. i was gonna post em but didn't want anyone thinkin im racist ya know lol


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## texacajun (May 2, 2005)

hornier than a hostage
hungrier than a hostage
...more nervous than a **** in a weinie factory...


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## 2blue (Apr 16, 2007)

Drier than a popcorn fart. 
Hot enough to _fornicate._
Dumb as a stump.
That boy aint right, musta dropped him on his head.
Like sheit through a goose.
Rough as a cob.
Tough as a fireplug.


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## texacajun (May 2, 2005)

cheeseburger shy of a happy meal
cheese done slid off his cracker
that boys bout as sharp as a rat terd


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## Cowboy1uhB (Nov 19, 2008)

My dad's response to my doing something right...

"Sun shines on a dog's arse every now and then"

Thanks for keeping me grounded Dad..


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## fishNwithfish (Aug 17, 2011)

harder to get to then a midgets va jj lol


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## EGT Limited (Jul 30, 2004)

Old Drill Instructor use to say
" you Mother F%$^&*s are gonna do bends and thrusts till I get tired"


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## jbart (Aug 9, 2011)

One from South Alabama regarding anything good to eat (specifically my Granny's Nanner Puddin'): 

"Boy, you put that stuff on top of yer head and yur tongue'll beat yur brains out tryin' to get to it."


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## fishNwithfish (Aug 17, 2011)

EGT Limited said:


> Old Drill Instructor use to say
> " you Mother F%$^&*s are gonna do bends and thrusts till I get tired"


Lol they still say it to this day. I here it everyday. "Do push ups till i get tired"!!!


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## RACER (Mar 15, 2006)

I heard a man say
you are proof that you dont have to be laying on your back to f up!


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## Pescador Viejo Loco (May 21, 2004)

*Old family lawyer told me*

"REASONABLE PEOPLE CAN NEGOTIATE"!
Daddy told me, "PAY ATTENTION SON, SOMEDAY THERE WILL BE A QUIZ"!


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## Koolbreeze72 (Jul 11, 2006)

She didn't get hit with an ugly stick, the whole tree fell on her... lol


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## 100 FATHOMS (Dec 28, 2006)

Don't enter a brothel half cocked.


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## Maverick lure (Feb 1, 2011)

Commenting to newly weds on their 1st night....Ride it like a three year old kid on a hobby horse.


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## sotexhookset (Jun 4, 2011)

Suck ol buck.


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## Maverick lure (Feb 1, 2011)

That family so bright their family tree has no limbs...


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## REELING 65 (Aug 18, 2009)

When you do a job...you sign your name to it.


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## Dae1201 (Apr 12, 2011)

From my dad,
"son, you could f**k up an anvil with a rubber mallet"


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## Porky (Nov 1, 2006)

"If he had a brain it would rattle like a BB in a warehouse."


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## MB (Mar 6, 2006)

Lord, Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

MB


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## beaucp (Apr 8, 2011)

"this is the worst pig sty I've ever seen!" apparently my mom was an expert on those.


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## donf (Aug 8, 2005)

Richer than [email protected]@t a yard deep up a bulls a##.
Never wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig loves it.
Hotter than a two dollar pistol.
Son, at my age , never trust a fart.
Dumber than a bag of cat litter.
Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
That boys about half a bubble off a plumb line


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## sotexhookset (Jun 4, 2011)

While in high school from my pops before going out with buddies on a Friday night-"Don't leave any peep tracks in your mom's suburban boy".


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## beaucp (Apr 8, 2011)

"I bring you into this world, I'll take you out of it. And it don't matter to cause I'll make another one to look just like you.". Dad


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## beaucp (Apr 8, 2011)

Colder than a witches titty in a brass bra. Granddad.


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## REELING 65 (Aug 18, 2009)

Don't make a mountain into a mole hill.


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## hoosierplugger (May 24, 2004)

When you screwed up bad.....


"You're f**king this dog, I'm just holdin' the head"


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## REELING 65 (Aug 18, 2009)

hoosierplugger said:


> When you screwed up bad.....
> 
> "You're f**king this dog, I'm just holdin' the head"


 that was a co-workers sayin way back in the day.


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## mike (Jun 6, 2011)

A buddy of mines dad used these in the shop all the time.

Clean up that mess, dont just keep wadin through it.... ( my favorite, one day I actually brought my waders lol)

Your always in my tools, you know how I know cause you left all the drawers pukin open.


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## pabloag (Jan 13, 2007)

I haven't posted here in awhile and kripes Mrs. Backlasher may see these but here goes and I've cut the list from those already mentioned:

* He couldn't find his arse with both hands

* I'm running harder than a scalded dog

* He was all over him like white on rice

* He was on him like a duck on a Junebug

* He's busier than a one arm paper hanger

* infamous last words . . . hold my beer, watch this

* My cousin, was told by his Daddy when he turned 50 : Never trust a fart, 
never waste a hard 

* You called me boy? You wanna have to tell your mamma you got your arse whuuped by a boy?

* Don't bring a knife to a gunfight

* On marriage: Why buy the cow when you can milk the cow thru the fence?

OK, thars 10 more . . .


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## jake/jenny (Jul 18, 2008)

when we were workin slow grandpa used to say "boy, if you were workin for **** shirt you wouldn't get a hackberry seed!"


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## REELING 65 (Aug 18, 2009)

Old farmer old tricks.


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## wet dreams (May 21, 2004)

Don't worry about the mule....just load the wagon, That rite there is the lieingist SOB that ever chit behind a pair of heels,...old yardmaster on getting us to go to work> WHAT.....you need a invitation???...WW


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## abear77 (May 11, 2011)

My dad once dropped a "It's like trying to stick a limp noodle up a wildcat's *****" LOL...


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## Backcast (Jul 22, 2005)

He's tighter than Dick's hatband!

He so conservative he cannot make left turn downtown.

Joe


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## fastpitch (Oct 15, 2004)

Dad had some good ones
something he liked to eat was so good it would "make your tongue slap your brains out"
Chinese food "they eat stuff I wouldn't even step on"
Its only funny 'til somebody gets hurt, then its hilarious.
No sh**, Sherlock.
Whenever i did something stupid, "Whose kid are you?"
As our LL coach, Boy, you throw that ball like that again you're gonna run til I puke.
Love ya and miss you, Dad.


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## mini me (Aug 7, 2006)

1. eating, sleeping and sh..ing is a waste of time, we got thing to do.
2. you lie to you friends and i will lie to mine, but let not lie to each other
3. you can sleep when you die
4. its a long way from your heart


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## jhen (Mar 25, 2011)

Its like wiping your arse on a wagon wheel around here theres no end to it 

Looks like a Mules arse stitched up with a grapevine


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## fishin shallow (Jul 31, 2005)

"Dang boy, you must have a brown ring around your neck" I always thought it was funny, when I found our what it really meant a few years later I thought it was hilarious. He finally mentioned the whole thing once. "cause your head is so far up your arse"


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## Quepos1 (Jan 21, 2011)

She is as ugly as a mud fence.
They are so poor they don't have a pot to ****** in or a window to throw it out of.
If brains were gun powder you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
Said of someone without scruples "He would f a snake if someone would hold its head down"


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## Cowboy1uhB (Nov 19, 2008)

My mom's assessment of my room when I was a kid...
"Looks like a tornado hit it"

Apparently my mom had a side job as a claims adjuster.

My dad on announcing he was going to he was getting a haircut...
"Going to get my ears lowered.

Other notables:
This and once more makes twice I've told you that
PDQ
Fuller than a tick
Fist city
Knock you sideways
**it or get off the pot (my dad's favorite in traffic)
Katy-bor-the-door (sp)
Ain't seen you in a month of Sundays
See a man about a dog
Shake hands with the mayor


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## hsif (Dec 16, 2008)

23 pages and nobody has said:

bless his heart

You can say anything you want to about somebody, as long as you add, "bless his heart".


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## jeff.w (Jan 22, 2006)

This isn't necessarily a saying, but reading all these brings back memories of my dad. When I was very young, I remember asking my dad to make me a sandwich. He grabbed two pieces of bread, smashed them together and handed it to me. I said, what is this? He said it's a jam sandwich. (took two pieces of bread and jammed them together). Needless to say, I learned how to make my own sammiches very young


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## Walkin' Jack (May 20, 2004)

A sign in my former bosses office=Rule #1:The boss is always right. Rule #2: in case of error see rule #1.

My Gramps, rest his soul=you'll never learn anything if you're always talking

My dad=The only was to be truly satisfied in your life is to always do your best.

My wife=You can go fishing AFTER you mow the lawn.

My daughter when she was a teenager=Oh, DAD!!! While rolling her eyes.

My son through out his entire child hood=It wasn't ME!

My eighth grade English teacher=A pencil is the tool of the illiterate.


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## Rodster71 (Mar 30, 2010)

"Ride the high side let the low side drag" ~Miss you Grandpa~


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## whitepv (Sep 26, 2006)

"Higher than a cats back" (expensive)

"Hotter than a new Cadillac in Harlem" (stolen)

"He's/She's short two beers of a six pack" (not all there)

"Crooked as a dog's hind leg" (politican.....Democrat)

"I'd rather have a bad case of the clap" (dont wanna do it)

"Like sand in the hand...." (spending/wasting money)

"High pockets" (ran into alot of money)


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## Rusty S (Apr 6, 2006)

Like wiping your a** with a wagon wheel. rs


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## mjames76 (May 17, 2006)

If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his a** when he hopped
used too much when it was new = worn out
messed up like a ghetto tri cycle
looks like spaghetti warehouse = wires everywhere


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