# Why do they spank,,,,,,,,,,,



## dicklaxt (Jun 2, 2005)

a new borns bottom??????? Because on the dumb ones it maskes their hooter fall off. 








wow!!!!!!,run,duck and hide, sorry ladies, had to take that opening


snicker,snicker


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## cj9271 (Aug 24, 2004)

that was a good one but you better hide when the ladies read it.


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

just a repeat of one posted last year. in its true and correct form:

hy do they spank a newborn's bottom:

to knock the penises off of the smart ones



dicklaxt said:


> a new borns bottom??????? Because on the dumb ones it maskes their hooter fall off.
> 
> wow!!!!!!,run,duck and hide, sorry ladies, had to take that opening
> 
> snicker,snicker


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

FishinChick said:


> just a repeat of one posted last year. in its true and correct form:
> 
> why do they spank a newborn's bottom:
> 
> to knock the penises off of the smart ones


That's right, the smart ones only need one penis.


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## Dutch Treat (May 21, 2004)

Cope said:


> That's right, the smart ones only need one penis.


Hot d**n, here we go! 

Sic 'em Jan................This could get good..LOL!

Bob


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## Swampus (Sep 1, 2005)

My Little Queen is the Queen--I have 4 boys --they r smart--But I think she is smarter--or how could she have us rapped around her finger so tight --gotta love it! Yea Gotta Love it!

TEAM SWAMPUS........................Reflecting a good moment!


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Ok, I'm getting warmed up...

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
_Big Foot's been spotted a several times._


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## dirtracer1 (Sep 17, 2005)

i've started a pool to see how many red dots the two of you are gonna get.


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

why does a bride wear white?

beacuse the dishwasher should match the fridge


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
_Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe._


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? 
_The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in._


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

What do you call a man with half a brain?
_Gifted._


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## saltyj (Aug 11, 2005)

Speckle thats horrible...rotflmao..:rotfl:


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## LIONESS-270 (May 19, 2005)

[email protected]'m gonna go get some coffee....My moneys on the Chic.....you boys are bringing a knife to a gunfight.....


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## JOKERSWILD (May 21, 2004)

and down we go....


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

what do yu call a brunette, a blonde, a blonde, and a blonde?
_regular price, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks_


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Why do men like smart women?
_Opposites attract._


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## allicat (May 20, 2004)

you guys better put that knife down and start running! my $$$ on FISHINCHICK!! :tongue:


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## rookie06 (Oct 1, 2005)

why not keep it going ---2 blondes walk into a building...........................you would've thought one of them would have seen it.


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## portalto (Oct 1, 2004)

Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?

_So men can remember them!_


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## fishedz (Sep 5, 2004)

3 Blondes on an Island
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.
The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge!


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## speckledred (Jun 1, 2004)

popcorn, more popcorn!


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## TexasDux (May 21, 2004)

*BLONDE COOK BOOK*​_MONDAY_: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

_TUESDAY_: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. 

_WEDNESDAY_: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. 

_THURSDAY_: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. 

_FRIDAY_: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. 

_SATURDAY_: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. 

_SUNDAY_: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. 

_GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY_. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow tocome so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose. 
​


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

how do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
_tell her a joke on Monday_

why are women's feet smaller than men's?
_it's an evolutionary thing that lets them stand closer to the sink_


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## allicat (May 20, 2004)

The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.


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## Gary (May 21, 2004)

.


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
_Two. If you slice them very thinly._


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

ouch, zinger from allicat


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

how does a man open a beer?
_he doesn't. it better be open when his woman delivers it_


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
_When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose._


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## txranger (Jun 23, 2005)

What do you tell a man who wants a wife that's beautiful, well-behaving, smart and rich?

Get married four times.


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Why do little boys whine? 
_Because they are practicing to be men._


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## LIONESS-270 (May 19, 2005)

this is better than a football game......I'm switching from coffee to crown and water.


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## SpecklFinAddict (Dec 19, 2004)

chiefcharlie said:


> this is better than a football game......I'm switching from coffee to crown and water.


I think I'll join you!


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## Harbormaster (May 26, 2000)

A blonde gets pulled over for speeding and as it turns out, the officer is also a blonde! 

The officer walks up to the car and asks, “may I see your license?”

The OB (other blonde) responds, “I’m sorry, but what does it look like?”

The officer says: It’s a small squarey thingey with your picture on it!”

After digging for a while the OB finds a compact make-up mirror, opens it, sees herself in it and says excitedly, “HERE it is, I found it!” and turns to hand it to the officer!

As the officer is reaching for it she sees her own reflection and says, “oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in law enforcement!” Have a nice day! :biggrin:


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## txranger (Jun 23, 2005)

Women are like horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

what does a woman and a beer bottle have in common?
_they're both empty from the neck up_


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
_They all already have boyfriends._


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

why did God create women?
_cause sheep won't get a beer from the fridge_


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## allicat (May 20, 2004)

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
_Put the remote control between his toes. _


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

how do you know when a blonde has been in your fridge?
_lisptick on the cucumbers_


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?"
Shows.
_They had a man born with a penis and a brain._


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## boat (Mar 7, 2005)

What do you get when you cross a blonde with....... Waite a minute What am I doing. I can't win this fight. Stupid Stupid Stupid me.


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## txranger (Jun 23, 2005)

From the Periodic Table:



*Element name:* WOMAN
*Symbol:* WO
*Atomic weight:* (don't even go there)
*Physical properties:* Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
*Chemical properties:* Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
*Usage: *Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
*Caution:* Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

why can't women be cattle ranchers?
_the can't keep their calves together_


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## saltyj (Aug 11, 2005)

What do you tell a women with two black eyes? 
Nothing you already told her twice...
(Ducking) Don't be mad at me it is my fathers joke..


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## allicat (May 20, 2004)

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
_Because not one will stop and ask for directions._


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## allicat (May 20, 2004)

boat said:


> What do you get when you cross a blonde with....... Waite a minute What am I doing. I can't win this fight. Stupid Stupid Stupid me.


now, there's one smart man right there! LOL is that the first white flag i see??


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## txranger (Jun 23, 2005)

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned


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## Flynm (Mar 22, 2005)

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

what do you call a drunk housewife?
_a loaded dishwasher_


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## waterspout (May 21, 2004)

Why is beer better than a women?

hangovers go away!


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## txranger (Jun 23, 2005)

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: 
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.


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## reel love (May 21, 2004)

allicat said:


> The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.


now that's funny trudy.
michelle


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

it's true that married men live longer than single men - but married men are more willing to die.


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## allicat (May 20, 2004)

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
_One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him_


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

what do you call the useless skin around a ...

crud - can't use this one


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## waterspout (May 21, 2004)

allicat said:


> The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.


Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing point blank range. We're bound to miss sometime. Besides it gives women something to do. LOL


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

I'm running out of clean jokes - one of you guys needs to tag up


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## txranger (Jun 23, 2005)

Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they **** they're wild and wet, 
but when they go they take your house and car with them. 


OK, I'm done!


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## waterspout (May 21, 2004)

Why is beer better than a women? 


You can enjoy beer all month long!


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## Flynm (Mar 22, 2005)

What do women and cow-patties have in common?

They both get easier to pick-up with age.


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## Harbormaster (May 26, 2000)

I only brought one bullet! That was the tamest one I have, homey! :biggrin:


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## Flynm (Mar 22, 2005)

What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.


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## waterspout (May 21, 2004)

Why are dogs mans best friend?



Dogs don't gain 100 pounds after reaching adulthood!


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## txranger (Jun 23, 2005)

allicat said:


> How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> _One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him_


 How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit around and biotch about the dark.


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. 
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" 
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. 
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. 
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. 
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
_A toilet doesn't follow you around after you've used it. _


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## allicat (May 20, 2004)

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
_When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there._


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## Flynm (Mar 22, 2005)

Why did God give women 2% more brains than horses?

_He didn't want them deficating in the streets during parades._


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## Flynm (Mar 22, 2005)

*Last one before lunch*

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"

So, she became a man.


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## allicat (May 20, 2004)

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
_Make him wear shoes._


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## stargazer (May 24, 2004)

*Man, This is some good stuff.*

LMAO


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

I think I am out of clean jokes. I go any further, I will have to moderate myself


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

FishinChick said:


> Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
> _They all already have boyfriends._


This is down right SICK!


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## allicat (May 20, 2004)

speckle-catcher said:


> I think I am out of clean jokes. I go any further, I will have to moderate myself


WHEW.......i was waiting on that white flag LOL i think ill eat lunch, then do some afternoon fishin.


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

*Red dots*



dirtracer1 said:


> i've started a pool to see how many red dots the two of you are gonna get.


should not be given for this thread. Too funny on both sides!


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## Guest (Jan 11, 2006)

I think the girls Put _It on Ya..Ouch..this is a group of ladies Id not like to have p.o.'d at me.._
_Ya'll gotta stop my sides are hurting..LOLOLOLOL_

_Oxx..._


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

chiefcharlie said:


> [email protected]'m gonna go get some coffee....My moneys on the Chic.....you boys are bringing a knife to a gunfight.....


Talk is cheap Charlie; I see you haven't let the Lioness near the PC today!


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

allicat said:


> WHEW.......i was waiting on that white flag LOL i think ill eat lunch, then do some afternoon fishin.


that's not a white flag - just a cease fire.

there have been many that I had to stop myself from posting - with those I could go on for days.


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

There have been some excellent one-liners from both sides. Before we men think we can win this battle of wits, I would like to share a quote I found on Jeff Cooper's site.

"Without a homemaker, there is no home.
Without a home, there is no marriage.
Without a marriage, there are no morals.
Without morals, there can be no civilization."


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

Cope said:


> Talk is cheap Charlie; I see you haven't let the Lioness near the PC today!


And now I see why. 

http://2coolfishing.com/ttmbforum/showthread.php?t=47183


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## TEAMSAILFISH (Aug 29, 2005)

whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?



about 40 pounds!


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
_One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish._


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## speckledred (Jun 1, 2004)

out of popcorn and hurt from laughing, think I'll go to the boat show!


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Here's another one for you Cope:

If mama aint happy, AINT NOBODY HAPPY



Cope said:


> There have been some excellent one-liners from both sides. Before we men think we can win this battle of wits, I would like to share a quote I found on Jeff Cooper's site.
> 
> "Without a homemaker, there is no home.
> Without a home, there is no marriage.
> ...


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## waterspout (May 21, 2004)

Aww fuwy. God made Adam first then slapped Eve here for a play toy. Enough Said! 

Get it,, you bunch of play toys! rotflol!


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## LIONESS-270 (May 19, 2005)

A good ole boy was married to a blonde and his sloppy ways always prompted the usual nagging and compliants.......One day he had enough and took off his pants....threw them at her and yelled "PUT these on!!! don't argure!!! just DO IT!!!

Because of the anger in his voice she complied and put them on...He told her to walk around...she tried and they kept falling down to her ankles...."I can't wear these...there to large" she said
"thats what I been trying to tell you for years now...I wear the pants in this family!!!

She took off her pants and trew them at him and said "ok its your turn!! try these on"

He tried and tried but couldn't get them on.......He said "I can't Get INTO THESE"!!!!!

She said "YOUR NOT GOING TOO EITHER...UNTIL YOU CHANGE YOUR WAYS"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Women have half the money and all the__________ I try and stay on the good side of mine


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## BertS (May 21, 2004)

if a pic is worth 1,000 words, then should even the guys up a bit.....

please note the cheerleader in the background


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

OK, guys - watch it...your dancing all over "the line"


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

FishinChick said:


> Here's another one for you Cope:
> 
> If mama aint happy, AINT NOBODY HAPPY


That's true around here.


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## waterspout (May 21, 2004)

FishinChick said:


> Here's another one for you Cope:
> 
> If mama aint happy, AINT NOBODY HAPPY


Ha,, If mamma aint happy I just go to my own house. She'll get over it! LOL


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

I didn't say you crossed it - but it's getting close.


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## boat_money (May 21, 2004)

*i am...*



FishinChick said:


> Here's another one for you Cope:
> 
> If mama aint happy, AINT NOBODY HAPPY


cause that's a good reason to head to the coast. at least 90 miles away and the cell service doesn't work so well. after 4-5 hours of fishing and 3 hours on the road i usually come home to a whole new mood...


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## fin_adik (Aug 8, 2005)

*Ill see if I can tow the line for the men*

A milk man on his route stops at a house and rings the bell. A blonde woman appears at the door. MM says morning mam' heres your milk. Blonde says oh thank you very much, do you think tomorrow you could bring me 20 gallons of milk. MM says, 20 gallons thats alot of milk, what are you going to do with 20 gallons of milk? Blonde says, well im I heard its good for skin care to fill a bath tub up and soak in it. Confused, the MM says well I guess I could, would you like it pasturized? The blonde says, "no just up to my b**bs, I can splash it in my eys!

let that one stew a while...


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## LIONESS-270 (May 19, 2005)

speckle-catcher said:


> OK, guys - watch it...your dancing all over "the line"


Things were looking up for the ladies till someone hit the B-listers ALL-CALL pager....

Think i will have another crown and water to get the champagne taste out of my mouth....

Copes on a roll....I owe him 4 greenies.......And the ladies a bunch!!!!


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## ROBOWADER (May 22, 2004)

*Lol*

.



chiefcharlie said:


> Things were looking up for the ladies till someone hit the B-listers ALL-CALL pager....
> 
> Think i will have another crown and water to get the champagne taste out of my mouth....
> 
> Copes on a roll....I owe him 4 greenies.......And the ladies a bunch!!!!


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## dicklaxt (Jun 2, 2005)

Gosh I went for a ride to Matagorda and came back to all this ,,,,rotflmao


I'll call a truce,new war in a couple of weeks but it sure was fun ,,,,congrats ladies you held your side up well .

dick


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## Dutch Treat (May 21, 2004)

speckledred said:


> out of popcorn and hurt from laughing, think I'll go to the boat show!


Me too! I'm out the door....

bob


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## Fishin-Inc (May 27, 2004)

*Who's here?*

Well noone sent me a personal email until 2 minutes ago to check on this thread.

I haven't seen the wifey in a week. She's still after Christmas shoppin.


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Why are men like laxatives?
_They irritate the **** out of you._


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## JOKERSWILD (May 21, 2004)

Just some input..


A little boy asked his father, 
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" 
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying." 
------------ 
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of 
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" 

Dad replied, 
"That happens in every country, son." 

-------------- 
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 
--------------- 
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to 
every word you say 
-- talk in your sleep. 
--------------- 
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life 
thinking they had no faults at all. 
-------------- 
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" 
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive." 
----------------- 
A Woman's Prayer 
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death. 
---------------- 
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine 
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the he!! up."


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

What is gross stupidity?
_144 men in one room._


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## Harbormaster (May 26, 2000)

Cope said:


> Without morals, there can be no civilization."


 OH NO! We're all gonna turn into Democrats and PJ'S? I dont think so junior! 

Looking forward to tonite boys! Wish you could be here Chief Chuck! While one of us is sipping Shupes free beer, another is sliding his cooler out the rear!

Just go skin whatever Robs killed today and let it hang in the cold storage till tomorrow!

It's all good boys!


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

chiefcharlie said:


> .......And the ladies a bunch!!!!


Don't encourage them, they'll just keep spewing that anti-man stuff.  Besides, I gave them one.


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## gatorbait (May 21, 2004)

*agreed*



Cope said:


> Don't encourage them, they'll just keep spewing that anti-man stuff.  Besides, I gave them one.


Anyway, it was fun to watch. Now, Jan dont you have some dishes to do? :rotfl:

Z(duckin and runnin)


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## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

Ok the ladies arent done yet. Time for tag team round two.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

You can't outrun lead and I shoot straight Mr. Brokeback Zac. :rotfl:

You guys used to have me out numbered. Guess what? There are more of around here than there used to be! It's on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



********* said:


> Anyway, it was fun to watch. Now, Jan dont you have some dishes to do?
> 
> Z(duckin and runnin)


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## waterspout (May 21, 2004)

MsAddicted said:


> Ok the ladies arent done yet. Time for tag team round two.
> 
> Why are married women heavier than single women?
> 
> ...


BWWWAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says...."


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird."
_The other man looked up and said, "where?"_


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

how do you know a woman is about to say something intelligent?
_"my husband once told me..."_


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

boooo, she already beat you to it!



speckle-catcher said:


> how do you know a woman is about to say something intelligent?
> _"my husband once told me..."_


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

What did God say after creating man?
_I can do better._


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.


----------



## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

similar joke - different meanings...


----------



## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

God created man and rested for 7 days

then God created woman and no-one has rested since.


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

How are men like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
_Bonds Mature._


----------



## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

how are women like turtles?
dang it, there I go again


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

_Someone from the Guyana Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal._


----------



## Harbormaster (May 26, 2000)

FishinChick said:


> You can't outrun lead and I shoot straight Mr. Brokeback. :rotfl:


 Unh Hunh! Everyone hear (melon touch), knows the importance of women! Ya'll are the lifeblood of every family that dares to hold dear, the values that this country was founded on! But.........................by gosh, if weren't for that "thing", they'd dang sure be a bounty on ya'lls butts! So there! :rotfl:


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

For txranger 

*Element:* MAN 
*Symbol:* Xy
*Atomic Weight:* 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
*Chemical Properties:* Attempts to bond with Wo (element Women) any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
*Usage:* None really, except methane production. "Good" samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
*Caution:* In the absence of Wo (element Women), this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.


----------



## portalto (Oct 1, 2004)

Husband: You want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

Women think that men don't care about what they eat. This is simply not true. Men keep a detailed record of everything they eat. It's called a tie.


----------



## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

*A repeat performance*

MEN vs. WOMEN

1. NAMES

If Denise, Dana, Melanie and Sandy go out for

lunch, they will call each other Denise, Dans, Melanie and Sandy.

If Roger, Bob, Mike and Tom go out, they will

affectionately refer to each other as Rufus, Peck, Dude and Bub.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Roger, Bob, Mike and Tom will

each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them

will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want

change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 i tem he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't

need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush,

shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from

the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man..

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,

answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite

foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in

the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no

use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,

not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an

argument and neither of them wanted to concede their

position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses,

and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied,"in-laws."


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? 
_You didn't hold the pillow down long enough._


----------



## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

what did the woman say when asked to alphabetize a bag of M&M's?
_Do the 3's come before the E's, or after the W's?_


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

Why did the blond man get arrested by Airport Security? 

The sign said 'Declare All Valuables' so he showed the officer the Family Jewels.


----------



## gatorbait (May 21, 2004)

*dang*

I think we just riled em up. We're losing ground here fellas. MsAddicted, you got me rollin here. I got no part in this fight, I cant remember yesterday much less any jokes. lol

Zac


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Well here we go

What do a smart woman, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus have in common?







They are all make believe!


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

How can you tell if a man is happy?
_ Who cares_


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Two women were told by their math teachers to go outside and figure out the height of a flag pole, they stood looking at it for a long time. Then a man came along and asked what they were doing, they told him measuring the height of the flag pole. So the man decides he will help get gets tools lowers the flag pole and measures it. 15ft the man says and walks away. One woman turns to the other and says just like a man to give you the length when you want the height.


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

********* said:


> I think we just riled em up. We're losing ground here fellas. MsAddicted, you got me rollin here. I got no part in this fight, I cant remember yesterday much less any jokes. lol
> 
> Zac


Yep, I am just getting warmed up...could go on for a LONG time! HOWEVER, I will take that as "uncle" as well (since there are things I need to be doing other than sitting here laughing!) 

One more for the road:

*What a guy really means:*
"I do help around the house." 
Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"I heard you." 
Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me."

"It would take too long to explain." 
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."

*Tag* I'm out (for now....)


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

This is one of the funniest threads I have read to date. Of course is this all in fun ( cause the one thing men dont need is another woman mad at them ).


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

Fishinpayne said:


> This is one of the funniest threads I have read to date. Of course is this all in fun ( cause the one thing men dont need is another woman mad at them ).


How true!
Ok, now I am really out.


----------



## anton (Aug 2, 2005)

HIStory


----------



## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

*That's a fact*



Fishinpayne said:


> This is one of the funniest threads I have read to date. Of course is this all in fun ( cause the one thing men dont need is another woman mad at them ).


And I can usually count on having at least two mad at me.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

FEmale = Frustrates Every male.


----------



## Harbormaster (May 26, 2000)

MsAddicted said:


> How true!
> Ok, now I am really out of line! This is the third time in 20 seconds! I sure hope a man comes along that knows how to get a hook out of a stump, cause I dont even know if I have any more hooks in my purse/tacklepurse, whatever!


 MsAddicted! In your avatar, are you hung up on a staub or what? Thwang the line and most of the time it'll come a loose! If knot, you have to ease in there and try to do it by.....................................nevermind! 

Where's FC?


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

anton, I am keeping your tender age in mind and will let you off with this... if it was herstory there might be a little more in it about women than stories of whores, traitors, and mothers.

:rotfl:



anton said:


> HIStory


----------



## Flynm (Mar 22, 2005)

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."


----------



## Flynm (Mar 22, 2005)

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

Harbormaster said:


> MsAddicted! Are you hung up on a staub or what? Thwang the line and most of the time it'll come a loose! If knot, you have to ease in there and try to do it by.....................................nevermind!
> 
> Where's FC?


And to think I was nice to you on your birthday, lol! Ok, heres another one for you

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

YEAH BABY! Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!



MsAddicted said:


> And to think I was nice to you on your birthday, lol! Ok, heres another one for you
> 
> What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
> 
> Four guys watching a football game.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

What do you call the space between a womans ears?



For Rent.


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

And one more...

What should you give a man who has everything?

*A woman to show him how to work it.*

Ok! Its all yours ladies....think I did some major damage! Later!


----------



## waterspout (May 21, 2004)

Wow,, you've done gone through that whole site and copied everything. That was a small site. Try the next one.


----------



## Flynm (Mar 22, 2005)

Why did the woman keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

_In case she locks the keys in her car._


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

What do you get when 10 women stand ear to ear?





A wind tunnel.


----------



## portalto (Oct 1, 2004)

Women don't make fools of men.
Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.​


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

How do you save a man from drowning?
_ Take your foot off his head_


----------



## neckdeep (Oct 12, 2004)

A man's wife tells him she wants a boob job and it costs 5 grand.
he says"why don't you just get toilet paper and rub on them"
She says "what good will that do"

he says "well look what it did to your arse"


----------



## Harbormaster (May 26, 2000)

MsAddicted said:


> And to think I was nice to you on your birthday, lol! Ok, heres another one for you
> 
> What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
> 
> Four guys watching a football game.


 Thanks for the kind BD wishes! 

What has twelve legs and an IQ of 1,380? Four guys watching the Playboy channel!

What has 16 arms and an IQ of 288? Eight of ya'll at a Tupperware party!

You go gals! I've got a trucklode of ya'lls deepest, darkest desires to haul to the bote show! :rotfl:


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

How are women like fireworks?



One brilliant flash and thier done.


----------



## portalto (Oct 1, 2004)

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.​


----------



## Flynm (Mar 22, 2005)

What did the blonde say to the physicist?

_"Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" _


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Already been posted


----------



## Flynm (Mar 22, 2005)

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

_You only have to punch information into a computer once. _


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

He's so dumb, he's:

_ A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole._


----------



## Flynm (Mar 22, 2005)

Turnabout...

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in 
convenience stores and drive-through windows.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

How do you make a woman feel needed?

Give her more dishes to do.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

One for the gals....

Why do Blonde women have bruised belly buttons?

Even Blonde men are stupid.


----------



## JOKERSWILD (May 21, 2004)

And for the boys

How do you know women have to have the last word?

They keep posting.


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

follow up for the girls...

How is this thread like a man with Viagra?

All of the women are suprised you boys lasted this long! 



JOKERSWILD said:


> And for the boys
> 
> How do you know women have to have the last word?
> 
> They keep posting.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Whats the difference between the Boogey man and a woman?



When you turn the lights on the Boogey man leaves.


----------



## portalto (Oct 1, 2004)

FishinChick said:


> follow up for the girls...
> 
> How is this thread like a man with Viagra?
> 
> All of the women are suprised you boys lasted this long!


Now, that is funny!!!!!


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

I cant greenie her again, but that was a good one



FishinChick said:


> follow up for the girls...
> 
> How is this thread like a man with Viagra?
> 
> All of the women are suprised you boys lasted this long!


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Your best friend and your wife on hanging from a bridge who do you save ?



Your best friend cause he will buy you and beer and thank you afterwards, your wife will complain you took to long, you pulled her hand too hard, and tell you how to do it.


----------



## neckdeep (Oct 12, 2004)

now dat rat dar is funny, I don't care who you are


----------



## PeteD (Sep 21, 2005)

I have in front of me a list of *100* reasons it's better to be a man than a woman.

#1: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

OK, ladies, you want to take me on? I've got 99 more!


----------



## portalto (Oct 1, 2004)

PeteD said:


> I have in front of me a list of *100* reasons it's better to be a man than a woman.
> 
> #1: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
> 
> OK, ladies, you want to take me on? I've got 99 more!


I'll take you on! I've got 100 reasons also...but remember, I'll still have the final say!
1. We can get out of speeding tickets by crying.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Guys have the number one thing...................................



We cant write our names in snow/sand with what god gave us


----------



## neckdeep (Oct 12, 2004)

we cab bait our own hooks


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

neckdeep said:


> we cab bait our own hooks


 Potlicker :rotfl:


----------



## Blue Water Ho (May 21, 2004)

One for the Men


----------



## Blue Water Ho (May 21, 2004)

One for the Women


----------



## PeteD (Sep 21, 2005)

portalto said:


> I'll take you on! I've got 100 reasons also...but remember, I'll still have the final say!
> 1. We can get out of speeding tickets by crying.


uh, oh. Lemme see if I can find reason #101 for men.

(Why do women always need to get the last word?)


----------



## Gary (May 21, 2004)

.


----------



## Blue Water Ho (May 21, 2004)

How many Women does it take to change a light bulb? (If this one has been posted already I didnt see it)





















6, One to screw it in and 5 to form a support group.


----------



## dicklaxt (Jun 2, 2005)

What have I done to deserve this?????:cloud: :cloud: :cloud: :cloud:


----------



## gulfeagle (May 23, 2005)

Woohoo!! I made it to the end!! 19 pages of gender bashing. What time did this get started today?


----------



## dirtracer1 (Sep 17, 2005)




----------



## allicat (May 20, 2004)

Flynm said:


> Turnabout...
> 
> If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
> convenience stores and drive-through windows.


boy, you got that RIGHT!! lol


----------



## allicat (May 20, 2004)

FishinChick said:


> follow up for the girls...
> 
> How is this thread like a man with Viagra?
> 
> All of the women are suprised you boys lasted this long!


WOOOHOOO!! GOOD ONE JAN!!


----------



## troy merrill (May 21, 2004)

FishinChick said:


> Potlicker :rotfl:


Best one yet!


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

One day three guys were out walking, and they found a lamp. So, they rubbed the lamp and a genie poped out. He says "I'll grant you each one wish." These guys weren't so bright, so they all wanted to be smarter. The first guy says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie says "POOF! You're 10 times smarter." The second guy says "I wish to to be 100 times smarter." and the genie says "POOF! You're 100 times smarter." The last guy says "I wish to be 1000 times smarter" And the genie says "POOF!! You're a woman!!"


----------



## Crawdaddy (May 24, 2004)

*McDonalds Fishing*

We need to break from this gender bashing marathon for an advertisement.


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

LMAO TOO funny!


----------



## NurseD-bait (Oct 2, 2004)

How do you keep a man from reading your e-mail?
re-name the file "Instruction Manuals"


----------



## seawings (Aug 28, 2004)

*Battle lines:*

While the sun was still climbing into the eastern sky and the chill had heaters running and blankets lying across laps, a shot across the man / women gulf was sent rocketing into the chilled morning air. 

The opposing forces, seeing the flare rising in the early morning light quickly marshaled their forces and fired back. The battle was on. 

The battle lines were drawn&#8230;each side experienced advancement on the battle line only to be driven back by the opposing forces. Front line forces had to periodically leave and reinforcements were quickly brought in to fill the ranks. 

The hours went by, morning stretched into afternoon, afternoon into evening. Battle weary veterans returned to the front lines to offer new ammunition and encouragement. The lines advanced and retreated as the sunset in west&#8230;like a burning ember from the day long heated battle. 

The evening hours brought all the combatants back to the battle lines&#8230;parry and thrust, volley after volley being fired as no quarter was given and none asked. Ammunition is depleting and our battle weary troops are sure to be weary&#8230;where will it end?

Great job ladies and gentlemen...I have had a blast reading this thread!!


----------



## NurseD-bait (Oct 2, 2004)

Not done yet......
Why does a black widow kill her mate?
To stop the snoring before it starts!


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying ? --- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

C'mon Guys....I see you lurking! LOL

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper ? --- We don't know, it's never happened.


----------



## NurseD-bait (Oct 2, 2004)

A house challenged husband decides to wash his sweatshirt..a few seconds later he's standing in front of the washing machine and hollers "Honey what cycle do I wash my shirt in?" She replies..."What does your shirt day?" UNIVERSITY OF OKLAHOMA......and they say blondes are dumb


----------



## GreatWhite4591 (Sep 7, 2005)

*Here we go...*

An oldie but goody


----------



## allicat (May 20, 2004)

this was fun LOL in all honestly, i love men, and im sure you guys love us. it was a fun thread, and i got my share in LOL. but when it comes right down to it.....God knew exactly what he was doing when he created men and women differently. we need each other, and THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE TAKE TWO. 

im so glad God blessed me with a man that likes to fish as much as i do!! we have a blast together, as i do with all of you here.

thanks for a fun thread,
trudy


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

What is the thinnest book in the world ? --- What Men Know About Women.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though."
Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

what did the rest of the guys give up, no one else comming to the front lines?


----------



## allicat (May 20, 2004)

Fishinpayne said:


> So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though."
> Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"


THATS NOT TRUE! LOL He just used yall for a practice run! then He perfected His creation.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

What are the two reasons why women don't mind their own business? 
1. No mind. 2. No busines


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

New Wives Duties...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed, and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was bit better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. 
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"


----------



## KatsMeow (Sep 19, 2005)

What do you call an intellegent, good-looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Men are like ........ Popcorn . They satisfy you, but
only for a little while.


----------



## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

Fishinpayne said:


> what did the rest of the guys give up, no one else comming to the front lines?


And then there was one.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
..........


......................



..................................

A women who won't do what she's told.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Why did the woman cross the road? 
That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? 
A battery has a positive side.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'( man and woman joke)


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

How does a man show he's planning for the future ? --- He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


----------



## GreatWhite4591 (Sep 7, 2005)

Know how to keep a woman in suspense.......


----------



## KatsMeow (Sep 19, 2005)

*A womens perfect breakfast!*

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

bay gal I dont see a negative side to that one lol


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

man I have a good one thats not clean enough for the board and its about fishing, anyone want it pmed ?


----------



## KatsMeow (Sep 19, 2005)

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

If a man hasnt found the right woman by the age of 25, he's lucky.


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

and...


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

why cant a man find any clean clothes?



cause the woman hasnt washed them yet.


----------



## StinkBait (May 31, 2004)

On a serious note since a lot of people are reading this thread, can someone help me out? My wife's birthday is coming up and i need help finding a gift for her, i am stumped, she already has a vacuum cleaner, weedeater, washer/dryer etc. Any ideas?


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Or...


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?



................


.......................


........................



He died laughing before he could tell anybody.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

what no power washer to clean the outside of the house and wash your truck and boat. I know what shes gettin


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Hmmm....


----------



## GreatWhite4591 (Sep 7, 2005)

StinkBait said:


> On a serious note since a lot of people are reading this thread, can someone help me out? My wife's birthday is coming up and i need help finding a gift for her, i am stumped, she already has a vacuum cleaner, weedeater, washer/dryer etc. Any ideas?


How about a new iron?, skillet?, maybe that trolling motor she's always wanted...


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Royal Pain is that a shot ? lol


----------



## KatsMeow (Sep 19, 2005)

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to
you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.


----------



## portalto (Oct 1, 2004)

KatsMeow said:


> He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to
> you really badly.
> She said - Well, you succeeded.


Now that's funny!


----------



## boat (Mar 7, 2005)

Alright I'm back. Who"s winning this royal rumble? Looks like Bay Gal is still standing. She's tough. She toss me out of the ring about 20 pages ago.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. 
But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

How do most men define marriage? 
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Why haven't they sent any women to the moon? A. Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

And...


----------



## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

"God, " said Adam, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?""So you would love her."

"But why did you make her so dumb?"

"So she would love you."


----------



## KatsMeow (Sep 19, 2005)

*10 reasons it's good to be a women:*

1. Taxis stop for us. 
2. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 
3. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo. 
4. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. 
5. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end. 
6. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 
7. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 
8. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 
9. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot. 
10. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Q: Why don’t women wear watches? 
A: There’s a clock on the stove!


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God's gift ? --- Exchange him.


----------



## KatsMeow (Sep 19, 2005)

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog ? --- After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Q. Why do men break wind more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Why do men like love at first sight? --- It saves them a lot of time.


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Whats the difference between a dog and a woman?


If you throw a stick the dog will leave.


----------



## portalto (Oct 1, 2004)

OK, true story. Why do men say they are babysitting when it's their own child?


----------



## unwound (Jan 10, 2006)

Why are women's feet smaller than men's?

It's an evolutionary thing....they can get closer to the stove!


----------



## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

OK this is my last one and its for the Texas Gals cause my favorite show is on, and even though I have been telling jokes about them, its time to keep the wife warm in bed good luck guys you need it LOL

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties. 

The first man had married a woman from Penn. and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. 

He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from West Virginia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility.

He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

Got to love Texas Women!


----------



## dumas (Dec 16, 2004)

Sorry fellas, I don't have a lot to contribute. But, I can say that a couple three woman have handed your butts to you.

How do you stop the dishwasher? ... slap her

What do you call three blondes upside down? ... brunettes

And the following comments need to be commented on:

4. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. 
5. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end. 
6. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 
7. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 
8. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 
Let the spanking continue gentlemen. Tag team me, if you need me.


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Hey, I already posted that with different states...LOL



Fishinpayne said:


> OK this is my last one and its for the Texas Gals cause my favorite show is on, and even though I have been telling jokes about them, its time to keep the wife warm in bed good luck guys you need it LOL
> 
> Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
> 
> ...


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Men are Like...

... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. 

... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. 

... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.


----------



## GreatWhite4591 (Sep 7, 2005)

*Why men bring home milk....*

Ladies, let's get our calcium....


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

What a Woman Wants in a Man 

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
----------------------------------
1. Breathing


----------



## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

What do you call a woman between 2 men



A mental block. Yikes...I running and hiding now.


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Fact: Men are living proof women can take a joke. :biggrin:


----------



## Ragman (May 21, 2004)

nmsg!

I'm not running it just didn't format correctly! LOL

This is all very good!

I was reading them to my wife and she was cracking up!

I'm in Boston and called her on the phone!


----------



## Mrs Backlasher (Dec 19, 2004)

"4. Only snores lightly when awake"

Oh, man! That one made my sides ache!!!


----------



## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

portalto said:


> OK, true story. Why do men say they are babysitting when it's their own child?


Mama's baby...Daddies maybe.


----------



## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant!


----------



## Ragman (May 21, 2004)

Understanding Women

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said: "OK, so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can only have one wish."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?" The genie laughed and replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete.... how much steel !!!! No, think of another wish."

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand women: to know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment; to know why they are crying; to know what they want when they say 'nothing'...."

The genie replied: "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" 
God answered: "So you would love her." 
"But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?" 
God replied: "So she would love you."


----------



## dumas (Dec 16, 2004)

I love a woman who can pee into a coffee can in a 22 foot bay boat when the wind is blowing 25 knots... and I love a woman who can tube fish in an east Texas lake without screaming bloody murder every time she bumps into a submerged stump.

That's my response to the 'we don't humor ourselves by passing gas' remark posted earlier


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."


----------



## MrG (Apr 10, 2005)

How do you know your lady is happy?



















Well, how do you know?


----------



## Crawdaddy (May 24, 2004)

*The Good Wife's Guide*

From Housekeeping Monthly, 13 May 1955


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

I might just like you afterall dumas.



dumas said:


> I love a woman who can pee into a coffee can in a 22 foot bay boat when the wind is blowing 25 knots... and I love a woman who can tube fish in an east Texas lake without screaming bloody murder every time she bumps into a submerged stump.
> 
> That's my response to the 'we don't humor ourselves by passing gas' remark posted earlier


----------



## Ragman (May 21, 2004)

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife
did.


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Men are like.....Placemats. 
They only show up when there's food on the table. 

Men are like.....Bike helmets. 
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. 

Men are like.....Parking spots. 
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. 

Men are like.....Lava lamps. 
Fun to look at, but not all that bright. 

Men are like.....Bank accounts. 
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

oh Cabana Boy...












StinkBait said:


> On a serious note since a lot of people are reading this thread, can someone help me out? My wife's birthday is coming up and i need help finding a gift for her, i am stumped, she already has a vacuum cleaner, weedeater, washer/dryer etc. Any ideas?


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Happy Birthday! LOL

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to FishinChick again.


----------



## Mrs Backlasher (Dec 19, 2004)

Bay Gal said:


> Happy Birthday! LOL
> 
> You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to FishinChick again.


Gotcha covered, I gave her one of my greenies for you!


----------



## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about? 
2. Do you love me? 
3. Do I look fat in this? 
4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man
answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a
public service, each question is analyzed below, along with
possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer
to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky
I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no
resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of
the following: 
a. Football. 
b. Golf. 
c. How fat you are. 
d. How much prettier she is than you 
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was
thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!"
or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes,
dear."

Inappropriate responses include: 
a. Oh Yeah, [email protected]*-loads. 
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? 
c. That depends on what you mean by love. 
d. Does it matter? 
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? 
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among
the incorrect answers are: 
a. Compared to what? 
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. 
c. A little extra weight looks good on you. 
d. I've seen fatter. 
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? 
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course
not!" Incorrect responses include: 
a. Yes, but you have a better personality 
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner 
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age 
d. Define pretty 
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win
question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a
Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again? 
MAN: Definitely not! 
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? 
MAN: Of course I do. 
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? 
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. 
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) 
MAN: (makes audible groan) 
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? 
MAN: Where else would we sleep? 
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her? 
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. 
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? 
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. 
WOMAN: - - - silence - - - 
MAN: Sh&%.


----------



## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

1. A guy's butt is never a factor in a job interview.

2. A guy's orgasms are real. Always.

3. A guy's last name stays put.

4. The garage is all his.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. He doesn't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every
night.

7. Chocolate is just another snack.

8. He can wear a white shirt to a water park.

9. Foreplay is optional.

10. He never feels compelled to stop a friend from getting
laid.

11. Car mechanics tell him the truth.

12. He doesn't give a rat's *** if someone notices his new 
haircut.

13. The world is his urinal.

14. Hot wax never comes near his pubic area.

15. He never has to drive to another gas station because
"this 
one's just too icky."

16. Same work . . . more pay.

17. Wrinkles add character.

18. He doesn't have to leave the room to make emergency
crotch adjustments.

19. Wedding Dress $2,000; Tux rental $100.

20. If he retains water, it's in a canteen.

21. People never glance at his chest when he is talking to
them.

22. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

23. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.

24. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle his feet.

25. **** movies are designed with him in mind.

26. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex
with them.

27. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So,
notice anything different?"

28. One mood . . . all of the time.


----------



## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

A host of new drive through cash points is set to sweep
through the country, and the national association of bankers
has issued the following guidelines to ensure full, efficient
use of this new system when it becomes operational in the new
year:

MEN: 
1. Pull up to Automatic Drive Through Cash Machine 
2. Insert card 
3. Enter PIN number 
4. Take cash, card and receipt

WOMEN: 
1. Pull up to Automatic Drive Through Cash Machine 
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 
3. Shut off engine 
4. Put keys in handbag 
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 
6. Hunt for card in handbag 
7. Insert card 
8. Hunt in handbag for old receipt with PIN number written
on it. 
9. Enter PIN number 
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes 
11. Hit "cancel" 
12. Re-enter correct PIN number 
13. Check balance 
14. Look for deposit envelope 
15. Look in handbag for pen 
16. Make out deposit slip 
17. Sign cheques 
18. Make deposit 
19. Study instructions 
20. Make cash withdrawal 
21. Get in car 
22. Check makeup 
23. Look for keys. 
24. Start car 
25. Check makeup 
26. Start pulling away 
27. STOP 
28. Back up to machine 
29. Get out of car 
30. Take card and receipt 
31. Get back in car 
32. Put card in wallet 
33. Put receipt in chequebook 
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in chequebook 
35. Clear area in handbag for wallet and chequebook 
36. Check makeup 
37. Put car in reverse gear 
38. Put car in drive 
39. Drive away from machine 
40. Travel 3 miles 
41. Release handbrake


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.


----------



## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

One day, a farmer's mother-in-law came down to his farm. A few days 
later, she was killed when the mule on the farm kicked her. 
Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death
came to the poor lady's funeral, some that the farmer didn't even know. 
A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked, "Why are
there so many people here?" 

The farmer answered, "Oh, their not here for the funeral, they want to buy the mule."


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.


----------



## LIONESS-270 (May 19, 2005)

Man!!! the 2cool ladies are tougher than a fifty-cent steak.....I don't think dicklaxt knew he was stomping on a hill of female red ants when he started this thread.....teamwork too!!!!

I owe 16 honest greenies so far and only 2 to guys......


----------



## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


----------



## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

*The Ages Of Women* 
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. 
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. 
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. 
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. 
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a ****?


----------



## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

*A Women's Guide To Male English*

-- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

-- I'm hungry = I'm hungry

-- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

-- I'm tired = I'm tired

-- What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

-- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

-- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

-- I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

*A Man's Guide To Female English*

-- We need to talk = I need to complain

-- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

-- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

-- We need = I want

-- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

-- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

-- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

-- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

-- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

-- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

-- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

-- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

-- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

-- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

-- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

-- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

-- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

-- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

-- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

-- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

-- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

-- Yes = No

-- No = No

-- Maybe = No

-- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

-- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

-- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

-- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

-- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

LOL Chief, I have given all of the greenies I can get my hands on. I don't have any left! LOL.

I was thinking that we may have created the best list of gender bashing jokes available with this one. A few are home spun too which makes them even better. There are 3 or 4 that stand out as the best. Maybe we need to switch gears to select the best ones.



chiefcharlie said:


> Man!!! the 2cool ladies are tougher than a fifty-cent steak.....I don't think dicklaxt knew he was stomping on a hill of female red ants when he started this thread.....teamwork too!!!!
> 
> I owe 16 honest greenies so far and only 2 to guys......


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.


----------



## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. 

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" 

The room got quiet. 

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. 

"Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Men are like handguns -
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.


----------



## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

Good night


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

I think that's an uncle.


----------



## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. 

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used. 

Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss. 

If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time, who would reach the ground first?
The woman ... the man would get lost. 

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business. 

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.


----------



## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

How can you tell if your wife is dead? 
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.


----------



## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

How many men does it take to open a beer? 
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

*HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE*

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both pass gas shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.


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## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A women who won't do what she's told.


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## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

Why did the woman cross the road? 
That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?


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## ROBOWADER (May 22, 2004)

This could go on forever; save Mont the bandwith and shut it down..........

Sounds like some of you have feeling for the others.........













































LOL


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## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.


----------



## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

repeats Ed, these are repeats!



ELF62 said:


> Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
> He died laughing before he could tell anybody.


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".


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## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

Dang I shouldn't have quit reading at page 21...I'm tired ...It was fun.



FishinChick said:


> repeats Ed, these are repeats!


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## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

One last attempt

Why can't women drive?

There ain't no road between the kitchen and the bedroom!


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"


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## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

Ouch...lmao



FishinChick said:


> Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
> Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Goodnight good fellas!


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## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

Good night lovely ladies!


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

FishinChick said:


> Potlicker :rotfl:


not fair. I've only ever been potlicked by one person.

you.

and you were fishing out of my bote at the time.


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Somebody had to catch those hardheads you put us on!



speckle-catcher said:


> not fair. I've only ever been potlicked by one person.
> 
> you.
> 
> and you were fishing out of my bote at the time.


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

ya'll were certainly busy while I was at the bote show. I'll try to rake up a few more clean ones for tomorrow.


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## Gary Brogdon (May 27, 2005)

When do you fix a woman's wristwatch?

You don't, there's a clock on the stove.


What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin', you done told the ****** twice.


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

I'd say we did pretty good considering we got through 308 before someone took it over the line.


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## dicklaxt (Jun 2, 2005)

I forgot his name, but a Japaneese Admiral once said,"We have awakened a sleeping giant"


Yamamoto maybe?


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## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

FishinChick said:


> I think that's an uncle.


 No it wasn't


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

StinkBait said:


> On a serious note since a lot of people are reading this thread, can someone help me out? My wife's birthday is coming up and i need help finding a gift for her, i am stumped, she already has a vacuum cleaner, weedeater, washer/dryer etc. Any ideas?


Get her a new scope.


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

chiefcharlie said:


> Man!!! the 2cool ladies are tougher than a fifty-cent steak.....I don't think dicklaxt knew he was stomping on a hill of female red ants when he started this thread.....teamwork too!!!!
> 
> I owe 16 honest greenies so far and only 2 to guys......


Charlie,

I was giving one to each woman who posted a good one, but I'm out until tonight. I'm keeping tabs on who I missed.


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## Gary Brogdon (May 27, 2005)

FishinChick said:


> I'd say we did pretty good considering we got through 308 before someone took it over the line.


Actually, upon review, that joke was told in post #46. And the word Biotch was used sometime after that. I just combined the two.

Now why does it have to be ME that took it over the line? I didn't even start with the good ones. IE: punchline - "so you can carry them like a six-pack"!


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## Hooked Up (May 23, 2004)

*Think I'll abstain!*

Can't win at home. Wouldn't stand a chance in this arena! Tight lines, Guy


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

I stand corrected - you guys are both outta line with that one. 



Gary Brogdon said:


> Actually, upon review, that joke was told in post #46. And the word Biotch was used sometime after that. I just combined the two.
> 
> Now why does it have to be ME that took it over the line? I didn't even start with the good ones. IE: punchline - "so you can carry them like a six-pack"!


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## Fishinpayne (Aug 15, 2005)

Good thing SC didnt post the jokes he wanted to then


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## boat (Mar 7, 2005)

I'm sorry guys but you really need to raise the white flag here. You are getting killed by the ladies. I know, Turn in my dude card.


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

GB - I had discussions with someone yesterday about that very joke...and that it would be best not to post it


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

boat said:


> I'm sorry guys but you really need to raise the white flag here. You are getting killed by the ladies. I know, Turn in my dude card.


oh the possibilites are endless with that statement... :rotfl:


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## Gary Brogdon (May 27, 2005)

speckle-catcher said:


> GB - I had discussions with someone yesterday about that very joke...and that it would be best not to post it


Yep, that would be one that you would post just to say you did... then come back thirty seconds later and edit it out!


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

*Friendship*

Friendship Between Women:



 A woman didn't come home one night. The next day



 she told her husband that she had slept over at a



 girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10

 best



 friends. None of them knew anything about it.





 Friendship Between Men:



 A man didn't come home one night. The next day



 he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's



 house. The woman called her husband's 10 best



 friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept



 over, and two claimed that he was still there.


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## Blue Water Ho (May 21, 2004)

Cope thats 2 funny and 2cool. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen Also 2 true!


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Yal are going to get Bay Gal all riled up tonight when she gets on. You better fasten your seatbelts! Lioness is also on the sidelines after yesterday's victory in the woods. Be good boys!


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## seawings (Aug 28, 2004)

*Part Deux:*

Oh boy!! I hope there isn't anything worth watching on TV tonight...cause I want to pop some popcorn and let tonights "exchange" of the man / women challenger begin.

_To be, or not to be? That is the question-Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And, by opposing, end them? *Shakespear*_​


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Hey, it's all in fun! I love this bunch of big ol goofy guys and would do just about anything for them (except any of the items listed in this thread!) I have a blast everytime we all get together.


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

FishinChick said:


> Yal are going to get Bay Gal all riled up tonight when she gets on. You better fasten your seatbelts! Lioness is also on the sidelines after yesterday's victory in the woods. Be good boys!


My wife just read the first 15 pages of this and she got a kick out of both sides.

I sure hope Lioness doesn't get mad; it would be really easy for her to get even.


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## seawings (Aug 28, 2004)

FishinChick said:


> Hey, it's all in fun! I love this bunch of big ol goofy guys


 It has been great fun to read the exchanges...wish I could just remember a few for future use. Have fun...one and all.


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## ANGEL (May 21, 2004)

GRENIIIEEEEE for Cope 
Its funny how men always try to keep there buddys out of trouble 
But it might help if the guy in trouble lets the other buddys know whats going on 
P.S Ive done this and it works


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

ANGEL said:


> P.S Ive done this and it works


 ok, this is an obvious and flagrant rookie mistake. You NEVER admit it in writing Rollo.


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## ANGEL (May 21, 2004)

Ohh yeah I forgot to say it was before I was married 
I hope the wife dont read this


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## Mrs Backlasher (Dec 19, 2004)

You good folks CRACK ME UP!!! This thread is like a marathon. :ac550: 

My sides are still aching from laughing so hard last night. 

Tonight I'm gonna make some popcorn and have a diet drink handy. 

:idea: And maybe some wipes for the terminal screen.


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## LIONESS-270 (May 19, 2005)

Why were MEN given slightly larger brains than dogs????

So they won't hump womens legs at cocktail partys!!


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## Gary (May 21, 2004)

What do yall call, a blond man, with brains?

Gary!

He is smart enough to not argue with women. 

I expect those greenies ladies, and, are any of yall single?


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## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

*A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

*


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## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

*A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

*


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## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

*Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

A: Divorced.*


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## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

*Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"*

*The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.*


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## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

*This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. *

*She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.*

*"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"*

*The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."*

*The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."*

*The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.*

*The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "If I could swim I would come out there and kick your *****."*


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

Looks like Snagged made it to the second-hand bookstore today. Keep em coming Jerry!


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## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."


"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"


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## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

*How To Drive Your Wife Crazy*

*How To Drive Your Wife Crazy*

Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case."

Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.

While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.

Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.

Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper.

Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.

Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"

Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Quit it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."

Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.

Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"

Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making.

When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white sneakers.

When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.

Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."

When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"

On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.

As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband.

Than brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.

Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones."

Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.

When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.

Harass her into telling people a story and proceed to interrupt every other sentence with , No that's not what..

Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the heck did you do. I never had a problem with it."

Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.


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## CentexPW (Jun 22, 2004)

*Blonde's year in review*

*January* - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

*February* - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

*March *- Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

*April* - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

*May* - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

*June* - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

*July* - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

*August* - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

*September* - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

*October *- Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.

*November* - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

*December *- Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!


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## portalto (Oct 1, 2004)

As FishinChick said, 'If mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.' Basic translation...If mamma ain't happy, neither are you...


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## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

After 35 pages, you're gonna have to dig deeper...this is a repeat.

I'm too tired to engage tonight, but I think we're ahead for at least the next week! LMBO hahaha!

I do admire the perserverance of some of the guys here...too bad your tool box isn't properly equipped. 



CentexPW said:


> *January* - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
> 
> *February* - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
> 
> ...


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

Bay Gal said:


> I'm too tired to engage tonight, but I think we're ahead for at least the next week! LMBO hahaha!
> 
> I do admire the perserverance of some of the guys here...too bad your tool box isn't properly equipped.


Just about the time I think about giving out greenies, one of you ladies goes and gets nasty.


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## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Cope said:


> Just about the time I think about giving out greenies, one of you ladies goes and gets nasty.


Awe, Cope, c'mon.

It's all in fun, my friend. I've enjoyed the banter immensely.


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## dumas (Dec 16, 2004)

Do these hip waders make my butt look big?


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## plastics man (Jun 23, 2004)

A blond wanted to go ice fishing. She had read many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she headed for the ice.After positioning her comfy stool, she started to cut a hole in the ice. Suddenly from the sky a voice boomed.

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino, and began to cut another hole in the ice. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed.

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole in the ice. The voice came once more.

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

She stopped, looked skyward and said,

''LORD IS THAT YOU"

The voice replied,

"NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"



Interviewer to millionaire
"To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some kind of a woman."
Interviewer: "What were you before you marrid her?"
Millionaire: "A billionaire."


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

Bay Gal said:


> Awe, Cope, c'mon.
> 
> It's all in fun, my friend. I've enjoyed the banter immensely.


You must have missed the  in my post.


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## CentexPW (Jun 22, 2004)

*already posted*



Bay Gal said:


> After 35 pages, you're gonna have to dig deeper...this is a repeat.
> 
> I'm too tired to engage tonight, but I think we're ahead for at least the next week! LMBO hahaha!
> 
> I do admire the perserverance of some of the guys here...too bad your tool box isn't properly equipped.


Dang..... I thought I read every stinkin page.

Bay Gal, Ya forgot something. Youre suppose to end every arguement with "fine". Isnt the in the rules of engagement. LOL


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## Crabby-D (Jun 15, 2004)

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Our last name stays put. The garage is all Ours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. We can be President. We can never be pregnant. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. We can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell us the truth. The world is our urinal. We never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet. One mood all the time. 
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. We know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. We can open all our own jars. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. We almost never have strap problems in public. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. Everything on our face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. We only have to shave our face and neck. 
We can play with toys all our lives. Our belly usually hides our big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. 
We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look. We can "do" our nails with a pocket knife. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. 
We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes flat!


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## backlash (May 29, 2004)

Crabby
That about sizes it up right there. I thought this thread was dead with the men gettin a pretty good arse whoopin. But say what they may the facts speak for them selves and brother you hit it right on the head.


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## seawings (Aug 28, 2004)

*Race results:*

 Coming around the fourth turn the women appear to be well in the lead...but wait!! :bounce: a challenger from back in the pack emerges with a summary that really says it all :birthday2 and edges up close to the front runners.

Folks I believe we are back in the race.:cheers:


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## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

Seawings,
Remember when you want a womans opinion you must first give it to her.


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

LOL you guys are cracking me up. You're still running around the track while we have already accepted the trophy, had our pictures taken, drank champagne, and headed home. It's over. You lost. :slimer:



seawings said:


> Coming around the fourth turn the women appear to be well in the lead...but wait!! :bounce: a challenger from back in the pack emerges with a summary that really says it all :birthday2 and edges up close to the front runners.
> 
> Folks I believe we are back in the race.:cheers:


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## seawings (Aug 28, 2004)

You mean we are not in the turn heading for home? I thought I saw a last minute run for the tape?


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## Crabby-D (Jun 15, 2004)

What is the easiest way to distract a woman? 

Hand them a mirror. 

What is the worst thing you can give a woman? 

A decision to make.


If Fishin Chick says its over, does that make her the fat lady that sings?


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

*Pam (Mrs. Cope) told me this one tonight*

Apparently Moses wrote the creation story wrong. It seems that Eve was actually born first , and God had given her three breasts. She called out to him and said, "Father, please take this third breast; I only need two." God replied "As you wish, but what am I going to do with this useless boob?"


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## ChickFilet (May 20, 2004)

ooooo that is a funny one! my sides hurt from laughing so hard! NOT.


Crabby-D said:


> What is the easiest way to distract a woman?
> 
> Hand them a mirror.
> 
> ...


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## Snagged (May 21, 2004)

Crabby-D said:


> If Fishin Chick says its over, does that make her the fat lady that sings?


 Your in BIG trouble now! :rotfl:


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

Cope said:


> Apparently Moses wrote the creation story wrong. It seems that Eve was actually born first , and God had given her three breasts. She called out to him and said, "Father, please take this third breast; I only need two." God replied "As you wish, but what am I going to do with this useless boob?"


you're playing for the wrong team


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## Crabby-D (Jun 15, 2004)

ooooo that is a funny one! my sides hurt from laughing so hard! NOT.Its good to see that you are still playing here little chiquita.

Your in BIG trouble now! :rotfl:I know, but I couldnt keep it to myself. Im trying though, really, I'm trying.


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## Bay Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Cope said:


> Apparently Moses wrote the creation story wrong. It seems that Eve was actually born first , and God had given her three breasts. She called out to him and said, "Father, please take this third breast; I only need two." God replied "As you wish, but what am I going to do with this useless boob?"


Thanks for the laugh! Sounds like Mrs. Cope would fit in well here.


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## MsAddicted (Jan 25, 2005)

Cope said:


> Apparently Moses wrote the creation story wrong. It seems that Eve was actually born first , and God had given her three breasts. She called out to him and said, "Father, please take this third breast; I only need two." God replied "As you wish, but what am I going to do with this useless boob?"


I love it! Mrs Cope, you are awesome! Too bad I cant give Cope another greenie yet, gotta spread the love.


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## fishedz (Sep 5, 2004)

Women are like a piano, when they are not upright, they are grand.


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## shrky57 (Jan 8, 2005)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"Hunting Flies" He responded. 

"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".


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## Cope (Oct 11, 2005)

*If I already posted this one*

I apologize, but I am not looking back through 37 pages.

A man and wife were out for a ride in the country and had gotten into a disagreement over something. The air was pretty heavy in the car. They passed a farm where 3 donkeys and 2 pigs were in plain sight. "Relatives of yours?" asked the wife. "Yep", said the husband, "In-laws."


----------

