# Venting...maybe advice seeking...not sure



## BlueWaveCapt (Jan 8, 2007)

This might not necessarily be the right section, but I (for some reason) thought it might be the place for the best soul-searching type of advice in the forum. If you take the time to read this all the way through and say a prayer for guidance...I will be very grateful. If you have some thoughts or advice...please share. Don't hold back!!

Here's the situation:
I've been married for about 8 years. Our relationship started when we were young (she was 19 I was 22) and we had a rocky start due basically to my need to be out partying and lack of commitment. We would date sometimes, I'd blow her off sometimes, etc... This went on for a year probably. Throughout this time her mother hated me (with good reason...I'll agree), and practically forbid her daughter to see me. Lucky for me her daughter (my wife now) didn't listen so good, and when I was through with my partying lifestyle we started a serious relationship and eventually got married. Our life has been wonderful together and her mother accepted me with open arms once she realized (didn't take long) I was not the punk kid she thought I was. All is peachy.

Skip ahead 9 years...to 2008:
Mother-in-law and her boyfriend (been living together 3 years or so) break up. She's broke and we took her into our home. We had a spare bedroom, and her help around the house was appreciated. It was supposed to be for a month or so until she got back on her feet, and could afford her own apartment. I have always felt that if I have the ability to give...I should, and when she asked to stay with us I opened my home...happy and proud that I had the ability to provide for my mother-in-law in her time of need. She's been there for us through a few rocky patches in life, so it feels good to return the favor. We have not asked for a dime from her for any bills, mortgage, groceries, etc...etc... Basically she has her phone bill and car insurance (no car payment).

Skip ahead 1 more year...to January 2009 (now):
She's been with us almost a year. We still have not (and do not plan to) asked her for any $$ or assistance with the bills. I bought a bigger house recently because with an upcoming new baby (next Friday 1/30) we did not have the room in our old house anymore. We would have had the room had she not been living with us...but that isn't the only reason I bought the house. We were ready to upgrade anyways.

Here's the situation NOW: mother-in-law has in NO way improved her situation or even made ANY attempt to do so. In fact...things have gotten worse. She rarely gets out of bed before Noon. She only goes to work for 8-10 hours per week at a job she has had for over 10 years. She says it's because she's in so much pain and just can't get out of bed. Well...THEN she meets a guy that (in her own words) she is not attracted to, but he's a nice person that likes to spend money on her. She somehow manages to muster up the strength to go on a week-long cruise gallavanting across multiple exotic destinations. She gets back, and suddenly is in so much pain again she can't go to work. So...she gets fired. There's a big surprise!!

Over the last 3-4 months she has blown off family commitments/promises in order to pursue dating a couple different guys, and we have become 2nd (or 3rd) on her priorities list. I think this part is what burns me up the most. I'm busting my hump EVERY freaking day at work (my wife is a stay-at-home mommy) to provide for my family (her included) and she's off dating, going to dinners, cruises, etc... Something is wrong with that picture, and as Christian a man as I am...I'm having a tough time ignoring that or turning the other cheek. Heck...I'm running out of cheeks!!

Now...since she lost her job and hasn't worked 1 day in the last 2 weeks...she is $500 or more overdrawn in the bank, can't pay her phone bill, can't pay car insurance (and all of it is past due), and can't afford her medication.

Then I hear that her boyfriend (the one she's really just using for cruises and nice dinners/gifts) has asked her to move in with him, but she told him she would have to think about it. She let my wife know that she doesn't want to move in with him. I guess she plans to just keep using him while living with us rent/bill-free indefinitely.

I feel that I'm coming to the end of my rope with this situation. I don't want to have to tell her she has to leave. Truth be told...I know I won't tell her she has to move out because I don't think it would be right for me to do that. But...what I DO want is to encourage her to WANT to move out. Right now...she has no motivation to get out on her own. It seems that she's perfectly content with the situation, and I guess in a way...I can't blame her. Who wouldn't love to live in a wonderful new house in a wonderful neighborhood and never have to worry about bills. I wouldn't mind that for a few months!!

So...there's the situation. I'm at a loss and emotionally exhausted.


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## Gilbert (May 25, 2004)

You need to have a serious sit down with your wife and MIL and get that strait. One things being nice, its another just being used. You are getting used.


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## wil.k (Aug 22, 2005)

Make shure you and your wife are on the same page,then have your sit down with MIL.


Good luck Sims


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## ktdtx (Dec 16, 2006)

Agree--Talk to the wife first, make sure the feelings are mutual. Decide what needs to be done then talk with MIL.


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## Mrschasintail (Dec 8, 2004)

It wouldn't be okay for you to do that to her, and it's not okay for her to do it to you. You have to talk to your wife, agree on a plan, and stick to it. It will eventually ruin your marriage, do not let it get to that point. You are the head of the household. Take control of the situation before it gets any further out of hand. Say a prayer too!


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## BlueWaveCapt (Jan 8, 2007)

My wife and I are on the absolute same page. We are 1 in this situation...and I'm definitely not worried about that. 

Our thing now is...how do you tell a 50 yr old woman she has to start being responsible again and we will no longer stand for this situation?


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## Bobby (May 21, 2004)

You sit her down and tell her outright. She is only 50 and knows better. If she insists on staying because she is sick tell her you are going to put her in a assisted living center.


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## grandpa cracker (Apr 7, 2006)

Christ did not intend his followers to to be run over and taken advantage of. You have far exceeded being 
a good person and Christian as well. If you are worried about hurting her feelings then so be it as it
has brought you to this point, you are simply TIRED of it. If it were 25 year old son taking advantage
of your kindness , which is now a weakness that is being exploited , you probably would have laid down
the law by now. Her "problems" have now become yours and your wife`s. Time for a pow-wow ---
tell her exactly how you feel and do not hold back . Set a time line for her to get out on her own
and stick to it regardless if she makes an effort or not . If you do not take action now , you never will.
Tough love applies to MIL`s as well as children , probably more so in this case. You have made it too good for her , why would she give up a good thing ? She moves in with any " boyfriend " , she don`t
come back.


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## Big Boggy Wader (Sep 13, 2005)

I say print this out and give it to her. The wife says pose it to the MIL as if she were in your shoes, gently yet tactfully, started with a prayer.


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## Bonito (Nov 17, 2008)

BlueWave,

I agree with the above. You and your wife must be together on this. Your Mother in law will probably have her feeling hurt when you speak to her, but you have to bring this to an end. You and your wife must be of one mind and one accord. Together you can get through this. I'm sure there are going to be some tears shed from all invloved. 

I strongly reccommend you get your mother in law to the family doctor and explain the situation to the doctor. It sounds like your mother could use a little help. Medicine wise. 

I fell into a state of depression a few years back after a divorce and after several months of being withdrawn and low self esteem, I saw my family doctor. She put me on medication ( Paxil ). Within a week and a half, I was so much better and after a month, I was better than normal. I don't like sharing this with other people, but it sounds like your mother is going through the same symptoms I went through. ( Just different reasons. ) I stayed on the medication for a year and was so much better for it. My daughters were so much better for it also. 

I'm kind of embarrassed about what I just told you, but the best thing that can happen, is for your mother in law to get better and move out and you and your family can get on with life. My prayers are with you.


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## BlueWaveCapt (Jan 8, 2007)

Thank you to everyone for your replies and sharing some very private things with me here. 

We didn't get to have "the talk" last night...my mother-in-law chose to stay out at my wife's Sister's apartment watching a movie and didn't come home until after we were already in bed. Obviously this was to avoid talking with me.

But...today is another day, and when I get home from work we are going to have to sit down and talk about things. Your replies and advice have helped me to be able to confront this problem and try to gain some control back...as well as still help her with what I know is a difficult time. 

Thank you again.


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## Bobby (May 21, 2004)

BWC my son in laws mother did the same thing to him. She gave the kids up when they were young and didn't want to have anything to do with them. Now she is older and in poor health. She came to stay with her son and my daughter for 2 weeks. After 6 months he had had enough. He gave her a time to be out and stood by it. When the day came he moved her out to one of her daughters house. She got a house to rent the next week cause her and her daughter could not get along. She is doing fine now and its been about 6 months since he moved her out.


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## BlueWaveEd (Jan 3, 2007)

Bonito - Absoltuely nothing to be embarrased about. you have a medical problem and you sought help for it. You are to the only dealing with this particular issue.

BlueWaveCapt - the advice the others have given is good. You will have to be firm but compassionate. Helping her is one thing, but it sounds like she is taking advantage of your help and kindness. Good luck. Will say a prayer for your strength tonight.


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