# I saw a grown man cry...



## Barnacle Bill (May 21, 2004)

Well, Saturday while we were in Fredericksburg, we went to that hot sauce shop. The one that has all the hot sauces and bbq sauces and jellies and jams for you to try and buy.

Anyone that's been in there knows that the hottest of the hot stuff is towards the back of the store. It has warnings all around and such telling you how hot the stuff in that area is.

I love hot sauces. I grew up eating jalapenos, squash peppers, habaneros and other peppers. With that being said, I'm not a glutton for pain. I don't like something just because it is hot. I like peppers for their flavor along with garlic, salt, etc.

So my girlfriend and I stopped and got a cup of coffee. Then we left the coffee shop for the hot sauce store and were at that hot section of the store. I saw this hot sauce called "Defcon". I've included an image and link to the website.










http://defconsauces.com/store/index.php/defcon-dm-mk-ii.html

*
Also known as Deathmatch Mark 2, this product is the hottest non-collector sauce we make, ranking in at about 500,000 SHU. It is one of the main ingredients used in our well-known Deathmatch wing-eating contests. This product is incredibly hot, and many use it as an additive to recipes as opposed to eating it straight. It is much darker in color than our other sauces, so you won't get it confused with our other products. Use with care, and prepare for an almost mythical endorphin rush.*

So I'm looking at it and noticed nobody had tried it. There was one of them small 1 oz plastic sampling cups with the sauce in it. That was my first clue because most of the other sauces had larger sample cups. Secondly, it was as dark as the brown cowboy hat I was wearing. Figuring it was hotter than a $2 whore on Saturday night, I took one of them small wheat crackers and dipped about half of it in that sauce while several other folks looked on.

There is that split second that seems like an eternity. Kind of like Jodie Foster in that science fiction movie, Contact, where she dropped in that big ball thingy for a second but in her time inside the ball, it seemed like ages. That was the way it went when that cracker and hot sauce first entered my mouth. It hadn't touched my tongue or anything but the fumes assaulted me like my drunk ex-mother-in-law on Thanksgiving. I knew within the split second from that cracker and hot sauce entering my mouth and me letting go of the cracker that something just outright terrible was about to happen. It was like hours passed as I waited for that hot sauce to make contact with my quivering tongue.

It was like God had hit me in the head with a sledgehammer. Flashes of light, couldn't breathe but stood there like a man and tried my best not to curl in a fetal position and cry like a baby. I took a sip of my cup of HOT coffee and then, before I could think twice, I had grabbed Karen's cup of ice cappuccino whatever and sucked it down faster than a ex-wife spends an alimony check.

That was where things got interesting. You see, I fared relatively well. The burning eventually stopped as did my profuse sweating. But, a couple of the yuppie folks from Austin couldn't help but comment. One lady asked how hot it was. I said it was hot enough to melt the shoes off a horse. Her husband for some reason took that as a challenge. He grabbed one of them little crackers and spooned about a teaspoon of that Defcon Satan's sweaty nut sack hot sauce on it. He plopped it in his mouth and that was when reality proved what a b!tch it can be.

First his face turned red. Redder than an apple on a fire engine. I could tell he had stopped breathing. I would have offered him something to drink but I had already drank my coffee, Karen's coffee, some 6 yr old girl's water and the milk from a baby's bottle that I snatched out of his stroller. So I'm watching that yuppie fella and I couldn't be sure, but I was thinking he actually started turning purplish black.

While I was watching Mr. Yuppie, another character who had been watching came up with his wife. His wife said "It can't be that hot". About that time that victim took a spoon full of the molten lava on a cracker. He tried to spit it out within about a second but his mouth wasn't working. I know because my face was still numb from my encounter. The sauce just kind of dribbled down his chin while his eyes shot tears out like a horny toad shooting blood. He doubled over and opened his mouth just hoping that stuff would fall out since he couldn't spit. Meanwhile, Mr. Yuppie has a couple of bottles of water his wife grabbed. I don't know how much he actually drank because he was pouring it all over his face. I chalked it up to the numb face syndrome.

The manager came over because of all the commotion. She told me "That is the way it usually starts. One person takes a taste then a couple of others gotta do it but they always take a bigger bite than the first guy."

At this point, she became a crisis worker. If that woman was a hostage negotiator, she'd talk the bad guys out every time. She started calmly talking to both of them fellas that were now doubled over, red as all git out and sweating all over the place. She said "It's ok. The burn will be gone in about 15 minutes. Just breathe and take it slow."

She gave them some pecan butter to put in their mouth. They got the butter in after the third or fourth tries because they still couldn't feel their faces. Their wives were just standing there talking and trying to figure out what happened.

One of them turned to me and said "Why didn't hit hurt you like that?"

I said "I live in west Texas and I know not to step off the porch before I know what's in the grass."

I left while both of them fellas cried and poured water down their throats.


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## SargentfishR (Apr 23, 2007)

Barnacle Bill, maybe you missed your calling .....should have been writer for a Texas Magazine . Great story, wish I could have seen this , however I have a vivid picture of what could be the greatest hot sauce story I've ever heard !! Greenie sauce to ya !!


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## Blk Jck 224 (Oct 16, 2009)

Hilarious...My wife brought a bottle of '357 Magnum' home from Key West. It is ghost pepper extract. Man have I had fun with that. Just dipping a toothpick into it & touching it to the middle of your tongue will light your arse up! I break it out when friends get to drinking from time to time.


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## mud minner (Apr 12, 2009)

thats funny ****!!! A couple years ago my wife and I were in there and they had some hot sauce called Satans Blood and I took a spoon full put it on a wheat thin and ate it only to have my stomach knot up as soon as it got down but I held it together good enough to talk my wife into eating some and to make a long story short....we bought a bottle of water, drank that in about 30 seconds....that didn't work, went and got an ice cream at the place right by there...that didn't work...we ended up standing behind the car and puking


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## garybryan (Nov 23, 2009)

Been in that place, but wasn't that curious as to taste the hotter ones in the back. That jalapeno jelly makes a good sauce for grilled ribs. Did yall get a chance to eat at Coopers BBQ in llano? Sounds like yall had a good time.


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## oldguy (Jul 8, 2009)

Great story i would give my favorite rod to have seen that. Its right that you should be a writer. You have to experience that to know how those two looked(don't ask me how i know)
Great story
Paul


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## Barnacle Bill (May 21, 2004)

Blk Jck 224 said:


> Hilarious...My wife brought a bottle of '357 Magnum' home from Key West. It is ghost pepper extract. Man have I had fun with that. Just dipping a toothpick into it & touching it to the middle of your tongue will light your arse up! I break it out when friends get to drinking from time to time.


I tried some of that ghost pepper extract while we were there. It was hot but it wasn't Defcon hot. I like the flavor on that ghost pepper extract too but it was just hot enough to make me not want to buy it. LOL


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## speckle-catcher (May 20, 2004)

Silverleaf International has a booth at the rodeo (inside Reliant Center, Hall D I think) - they have a salsa made with ghost pepper that you can sample:

http://silverleafinternational.com/products.html (about halfway down the page)


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## Timemachine (Nov 25, 2008)

I'm crying here....That is one of the best told testimonials EVER....You sir are the best. Only once before was such a great story told. That was by Triple F and blowing up the chicken coup.


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## Bobby (May 21, 2004)

Timemachine said:


> I'm crying here....That is one of the best told testimonials EVER....You sir are the best. Only once before was such a great story told. That was by Triple F and blowing up the chicken coup.


You ain't read any of "Walking Jack" have you?:rotfl:


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

Tried some of that super hot sauce once at a chili cook off... I give that chit a wide berth now.


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## essayons75 (May 15, 2006)

Funny! I love that shop. Will be there in a few weeks. Probably will pass on that sauce.


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## roundman (May 21, 2004)

somebodys gotta have a link to where a person can purchase all different kinds?


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## kdubya (Jun 27, 2005)

That was a hilarious, very well told story. I probably would've been the next dumbarse in line with ya'll , cracker in hand. LOL


Kelly


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## kyle2601 (Oct 23, 2008)

I can't stop laughing and I had to take a ten minute break after reading this.


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## FishinFoolFaron (Feb 11, 2009)

Green for you. I can't wait for the movie adaptation, in 3D.
You should write a novel.


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## jeff.w (Jan 22, 2006)

I'd quadruple green ya if I could. That was by far the best, most descriptive, hilarious stories I've ever read. What makes it even better is that I've been there and done that. Not with the Defcon Lava sauce, but with Satan's Blood.


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## Krash (May 21, 2004)

Super great story BBill. Reminds me of the old story about the guy that was at the chili cookoff and got picked to be a judge.


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## djwag94 (Nov 19, 2009)

BBill,

What they said! That was some funny Stuff.


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## Bukkskin (Oct 21, 2009)

kdubya said:


> That was a hilarious, very well told story. I probably would've been the next dumbarse in line with ya'll , cracker in hand. LOL
> 
> Kelly


 X2 Great story.I threw a whole habinero(before I knew what they were) in my mouth along with a bite of fried fish. My cousin, kept on saying hey you ought to try one of my new peppers,you sure you don't want one of these peppers, man them new peppers sure are good. They looked harmless enough sitting there in the middle of the table. When I started chewing HIS face turned red, tears where coming out of HIS eyes. HE couldn't breath,BECAUSE he was laughing so hard. I said, what it ain't hot. But second by second the reality was setting in. I know what you mean about trying anything wet, cold, frozen.Thought about amputating my tongue. Well it ended with my head hanging off the back porch, tongue stuck out as far as it would go, just drewling like a puppy dog. I can't even image, cause I know that stuff you had was WAAAYYY hotter, You are the man BB.:brew:


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## OLD-AG (Feb 5, 2010)

Well written, funny as he// ! Thank you sir!


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## fishingcacher (Mar 29, 2008)

Great story and fun to read! Yes you should be a writer.


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## bobbyoshay (Nov 29, 2008)

i couldnt stop laughing while reading it and still cant! thats some funny chit!


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## Barnacle Bill (May 21, 2004)

essayons75 said:


> Funny! I love that shop. Will be there in a few weeks. Probably will pass on that sauce.


Go on to the hot section on the right side of the store towards the back. I'm sure they still got the tape outline on the floor of them pilgrim's bodies. You can view the scene of the assault. LOL


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## backwater (Jan 4, 2007)

Awesome Read! I was also in town on Saturday but was working on clearing a path to the river for a fishing spot. Wish I had been there to try some myself cause I will try anything once!!


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## jhj415 (May 22, 2005)

Taking the wife out that way this weekend, where is the shop and what is the name?


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## roundman (May 21, 2004)

http://www.hotsauceworld.com/ ,, http://www.tearsofjoysauces.com/store/customer/home.php , http://www.houstonhotsauce.com/Hot%20Sauce/Links.htm 








Dave's Private Reserve Hot Sauce, 2009 - Warning: Use this Product One Drop at a Time. Not for People with Heart or Respiratory Problems. Red wine vinegar, chile extract, Jolokia peppers, lime juice, Onion puree, Jalapeno puree, Garlic, Sugar & spices. .Manufacturer: Dave's Insanity. 5 oz. """*** Unbelieveably hot...I lost my hearing for about 10 mins (I am NOT kidding) ****


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## boat_money (May 21, 2004)

i have a bottle of dave's insanity sauce in my fridge (don't ask me why cause i haven't used it in years) hottest thing i've ever tasted. heb carries it. after tooth pick testing it and regretting it, i only used it by adding a few drops to a whole bowl of homemade salsa. the day i bought it i had it up at ragin cajun and got a bartender to sample it - scary stuff. i'll have to put this store on my to do list...


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## 24Buds (Dec 5, 2008)

I put that [email protected]&^ on everything! lol. Great story BBill. LOL


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## Enviroman (Jul 20, 2005)

Great Story BBill! My wife always says with testosterone comes stupidity!


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## El Carnicero (Aug 27, 2009)

Simply Awesome!!!:cheers:


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## Barnacle Bill (May 21, 2004)

Thanks everyone. It was truly a funny experience. We laugh every time we talk about it. The looks on those guy's faces was priceless.



jhj415 said:


> Taking the wife out that way this weekend, where is the shop and what is the name?


I don't remember the name of the shop. You can't miss it though. It is the only one that has everything you could imagine from pickled quail eggs to salsas, sauces, etc. It has flashing red lights in the store.

Once you're in, you to the back. The last "stall" on the right is the super hot stuff.


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## espanolabass (Jul 20, 2006)

I'll be their in April, but will give that sauce a wide berth. Great story, Greenie coming your way.
P.S. You know its hot because the caps melting.


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## Bukkskin (Oct 21, 2009)

BB. Iv'e read it four times. LMAO everytime. I even laughed out loud driving home today(by myself), thinkin about them poor pilgrims.You really should put this talent to use as a writer. Man, I love a good laugh. Thanks again for doin all that typing just for us. Greenie...


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## Enviroman (Jul 20, 2005)

The story reminds me of the Patrick McManus stories and books. If you guys like BBill read the McManus books. You will literally laugh out loud I don't care who you are.


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## KIKO (Oct 24, 2006)

I took a sip to a hot sauce like that during a college trip to Guadalajara, Mex. They served it steaming hot and I was thinking it was consome soup. That thing burned from my lips to my everywheres. I grew up eating the hottes piquin and habaneros, but that sauce took me down to where I almost passed out. 

Lucky i was in the land of tequila, which help numm it down some.


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## Tight Knot (Sep 8, 2004)

This story reminds me of the ol boy judging a chilli cook-off.
Tight Knot


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## NaClH2O (May 25, 2004)

Tight Knot said:


> This story reminds me of the ol boy judging a chilli cook-off.
> Tight Knot


That's what I was thinking while I read it.

Great story by the way.


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## Miles2Fish (Dec 2, 2008)

Barnacle Bill thanks for the laugh and some darn good writing!


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## TXPalerider (May 21, 2004)

Funny Stuff!! :rotfl:

Unfortunately, I have traveled similar paths before.


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

Enviroman said:


> The story reminds me of the Patrick McManus stories and books. If you guys like BBill read the McManus books. You will literally laugh out loud I don't care who you are.


Been reading Patrick McManus for years, as well as Baxter Black. :brew2:


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## Bukkskin (Oct 21, 2009)

Bump, for those who might have missed it.


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## rut_row (Nov 24, 2009)

Great story!! I wonder how often that happens and what the people working there think as they see potential victims approach that section...I wonder if bets have been placed or if anyone has had to make a dash for the ER! again, great story...always love your posts!


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## jhj415 (May 22, 2005)

Dangit Bill you're an evil evil man! The name of the store is Rustic Robs and it is sinful! Walked in and got myself ready to walk straight towards the back. But there is just way too much stuff in the store to taste to walk straight back. Jelly of every flavor from sweet to spicy, and even alcohols. Well then the pickled section was pretty dang good. But then the hot stuff. I passed the locked and 18 over only cabinet to work my way up. Well the stuff in the back was pretty warm. Well then I found Bills $40.00 bottle (YES THAT SAYS $40.00) and it was the worst thing I have ever inflicted on myself! My wifes beer, then my beer, then a bottle of water and 30 minutes later "some" of the burning stopped. Thanks Bill again for putting the idea in my head. And yes I would probably do it again...


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## Barnacle Bill (May 21, 2004)

jhj415 said:


> Dangit Bill you're an evil evil man! The name of the store is Rustic Robs and it is sinful! Walked in and got myself ready to walk straight towards the back. But there is just way too much stuff in the store to taste to walk straight back. Jelly of every flavor from sweet to spicy, and even alcohols. Well then the pickled section was pretty dang good. But then the hot stuff. I passed the locked and 18 over only cabinet to work my way up. Well the stuff in the back was pretty warm. Well then I found Bills $40.00 bottle (YES THAT SAYS $40.00) and it was the worst thing I have ever inflicted on myself! My wifes beer, then my beer, then a bottle of water and 30 minutes later "some" of the burning stopped. Thanks Bill again for putting the idea in my head. And yes I would probably do it again...


LMAO! Yeah, that stuff will make you a christian, fast...

We were in Fredericksburg on Thursday but my girlfriend kept me out of that shop. LOL


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## knowphish (Jul 10, 2008)

If I see the word "extract" on the bottle, I'm out!!!!!!


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## King Ding-A-Ling (May 28, 2010)

lol i love this story... bump for those who may have not read it


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## Tankfxr (Dec 26, 2007)

Just read the whole thread. One of the finniest thing i have ever read. Still laughing. 

Sent from my MB860 using Tapatalk 2


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## Nwilkins (Jan 18, 2009)

Thanks for the huge laugh, great story, great writing skills, funny stuff


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## Texican89 (Oct 27, 2009)

Still makes me laugh!


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## reeltimer (Feb 5, 2010)

Some old posts get hotter with time.Great read.


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## jdipper1 (Jul 18, 2007)

Reminds me of myself in Trinidad and their "pepper". "John, don't use a metal spoon, use the woodem one in the drawer". As it turned out, the metal spoon would put a metalic tase in the hot sause as it dissolved the spoon. Hotter then that, no thanks, it burns both ends, commonig and going.

Greenie comming to you.


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## spuds (Jan 2, 2005)

Great story!

Used to be a little hot sauce shop in A Pass. They had one extreme "extract" that if you tried it, they'd take a Polaroid of you and pin it on their wall. 

I don't think that shop is open anymore, but sometimes I still wonder whatever happened to that picture of my head blowing up...... 
:hairout:


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## texcajun (Feb 22, 2009)

I used to think I could handle just about any hot sauce. Got ahold of something called "The Source" in Baton Rouge one day. I am no longer the "The Man" when it comes to hot sauce. That stuff was worse than pure CS tear gas. Truth be told, it didn't even qualify as "Sauce", just pure chemical burn.


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## txgunrunner (Dec 30, 2005)

great story, love the part..itll melt the shoes off a horse


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## drfishalot (Sep 9, 2004)

reminded me of the story of the guy who was a judge at the chili eatin contest that has been on 2cool in the past. why is it people eatin hot stuff is funny! good story!


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## beaucp (Apr 8, 2011)

When My mom and I worked the 17th annual Austin hot sauce festival for our friends, (she has numerous awards) the guy in the booth right beside us had this sauce that was so hot, they would put a sample on the very tip of a toothpick. The beer booth was right beside them. I'm pretty sure that's the bottle of sauce that was put on a toothpick. 




Our friends company is "Vern's" or "Vern's Queso" she sells salsa, Queso, and jalepaneo jellies. I like hot foods, but her's aren't just about spice, like you said above. 

Btw, our friends products are in 30+ Spec's stores. Just so you know.


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## sotol buster (Oct 7, 2007)

Great story.

I walked into Rustlin Robs and recalled this story. I found it and showed the chili guy and he died laughing. 

Now try this one.
Mad dog 357. #9 plutonium


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## PHINS (May 25, 2004)

Thanks for the story. That was awesome.


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## iamatt (Aug 28, 2012)

Blk Jck 224 said:


> Hilarious...My wife brought a bottle of '357 Magnum' home from Key West. It is ghost pepper extract. Man have I had fun with that. Just dipping a toothpick into it & touching it to the middle of your tongue will light your arse up! I break it out when friends get to drinking from time to time.


That stuff sent my buddy to the doctor with an ulcer. Sent me puking in the bathroom! Horrible. All it took was one of those scoop chips filled up and we were both laid out.


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## JOHNNY QUEST (Mar 6, 2006)

I'm kinda partial to my own, Ole Red Hole hot sauce.


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## TIMBOv2 (Mar 18, 2010)

you can tell when the weather around here sucks. We start digging up almost 5 year old threads.LMAO


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## kweber (Sep 20, 2005)

40 degrees here.. drizzle.. cold.
re-read this thread and Ive got sweat pouring off my bald head...
REALLY.. NO BS!
all I have to do is think of hot pepper/chiles and I start sweating...
smelling them makes it worse... in fact, right now my nose is running a river... 
Keanex? anyone?

back later.


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## Spirit (Nov 19, 2008)

That was a hilarious story. My son would be one that would take a big bite then pretend it wasn't hot while his eyes watered, his nose ran and his ears steamed.


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## ol' salt (Jun 11, 2006)

Barnacle Bill, I love your writing. Great story. That was well-written..and absolutely hilarious.


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## BullyARed (Jun 19, 2010)

Someone said hot pepper! Watch these and you LYAO. 






and payback...It's a cruel world out there!


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## Kylie (Mar 16, 2008)

http://www.originaljuan.com/hot-sauces/the-source-hot-sauce

7.1 million SHU


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## texcajun (Feb 22, 2009)

I have tried this stuff, and will tell you it is not hot sauce. It's freaking extract or a weaponized version of CS tear gas. I don't care what kind of bad azzzz you think you are, don't waste your time or money on this stuff. If there is someone in your life that you hate enough to give this stuff to, I suggest you do some serious soul searching, 'cuz you ain't right!



Kylie said:


> http://www.originaljuan.com/hot-sauces/the-source-hot-sauce
> 
> 7.1 million SHU


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