# Favorite Ole Country Sayings



## Rockportraider (Jan 31, 2008)

Post your favorite old time sayings funny or not.


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## JLand (Apr 14, 2006)

*Country sayings*

My Grandmother used to say "it feels a bit "airish" out today when it was windy and cool. Also used to hear people refer to an ugly woman as "ugly as a mud fence". My mother would say the "The devil is beating his wife behind the door" when there was "dry thunder".


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## gp2394 (Jul 1, 2008)

A fast chittin' dog don't chit long
Big hat, no cattle


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## grandpa cracker (Apr 7, 2006)

" I ain`t seen you in a ****`s age." The sound of thunder - " Here comes the potato wagon".


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## JLand (Apr 14, 2006)

*Shiver*

When someone get a sudden chill and shiver - Someone stepped on my grave.


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## rwayne (Aug 29, 2005)

My mother inlaw use to say , "Well I'll be John Brown," are,," I'll swan", when something different was done are said.....


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## grandpa cracker (Apr 7, 2006)

" I would`nt take her to a dogfight if she was the defendin` champ."


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## mastercylinder60 (Dec 18, 2005)

he's got more (whatever) than carter's got little pills.


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## TxDuSlayer (Jun 24, 2006)

Boy your as useless as tits on a boar hog!


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## Pocboy (Aug 12, 2004)

It's shorter than a snakes arse in a wagon rut.


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## Goags (May 28, 2004)

You've got about as much chance as a one legged man at an arse kick'n


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## essayons75 (May 15, 2006)

I need to do some wash.

I've known him since Moby Dick was a top minner.


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## MT Stringer (May 21, 2004)

Pie are square, cornbread are round!


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## Sunbeam (Feb 24, 2009)

Older than dirt.
Looks worse than **** on a white chicken.
Dumb as a corner post.
As leaky as a barbed wire fence.
Knot headed.
As busy as a one arm paperhanger with the hives.


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## essayons75 (May 15, 2006)

I think I will rest a spell.


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## birdnester (May 21, 2004)

My Mom use to say... "Quit Actin Like a Buffoon Ya Big Overgrown Galoot"


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## txpitdog (Jul 17, 2006)

This one and one more will make two for me


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## seahorse5 (May 27, 2007)

Your next one will be your first !


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## medja (Dec 15, 2005)

That's so good it'll make a hound dog want to hug a rabbit.
Dumb as a box of rocks.


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## Saltstalker (Jun 6, 2008)

Hes as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs !


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## jake/jenny (Jul 18, 2008)

if we were workin too slow grandpa used to tell us "boy, if you were workin for **** shirt, you wouldn't get a hackberry seed!"


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## Haute Pursuit (Jun 26, 2006)

I don't know where this came from but my grandpa used to say "You dumb dora"
"your as useless as teats on a boar hog"
"that boy may be home but his lights is out"
"Thats finer than frog hair"
"that boy's tighter than dick's hatband"


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## corpus shorty (Oct 31, 2007)

"useless as hammered cat poop"

"that boy is screwed up like a snake in a lawn mower "


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## dabear (Nov 7, 2006)

Boy your sharper than a rat turd on both ends.
Your more F***ed up than a soup samich.
Ive had bigger scratches on my eyeball.
get over there and wrench that off wit water


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## Tortuga (May 21, 2004)

"ain't seen nuthin' that funny since Granny got her t*t caught in the clothes wringer"


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## DANO (May 23, 2005)

That girl,..yep, she's purtier than a mess of speckled pups.

That boy there is a little "touched"


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## DANO (May 23, 2005)

What in the Sam Hill,.....


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## daddyhoney (Dec 4, 2006)

tighter than dick's hat band


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## texas7mm08 (Aug 7, 2006)

Boy What is Wrong with you???....You better close that barn door before them cows get out!!!


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## texxmark (Sep 8, 2004)

"He don't know S*!* from shinola"
When riding with my Grandpa he would see a nice new truck and would say "I wish I had that truck and he had a feather in his "rear", then we'd both be tickled".


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## PeteD (Sep 21, 2005)

That was slicker than snot on a door knob.


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## jake/jenny (Jul 18, 2008)

that was slicker than cat shirt on a linoleum floor


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## Melon (Jun 1, 2004)

Smell tha rain?

You ain't worth spit!

That some mean grub thar pilgrim.

You don't know spit from shinola boy.

Lets have a throw down. (Not a hoe down)

MC ain't right in tha head! lol

Dang city slickers

Oh lawd the weekendwarriors have arrived

Finger licking good!

You boys wanna chip in for the juke box?

Over yonder there is some hooch in the saddle barn

Ya can't suck blood out of a turnip


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## Redfishon (Nov 10, 2005)

Anit no hill for a high stepper.


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## Melon (Jun 1, 2004)

I was over there by the tomatoes and there it come.....


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## Levelwind (Apr 15, 2005)

Growing up in Kansas maybe some were different than Texas colloquialisms. A few of my favorites

as sure as I'm sitting here (darned sure)

I need a new combine (truck, tractor, overalls) like a hog needs a saddle

It's raining like a cow peeing on a flat rock (rarely used)

Thinks he wears seven league boots (full of himself, braggadocios)

Saw the parade, it looked like coxeys army coming down the street. (Referece to rural protestors who marched on D.C. during the depression)

It's not what you like that makes you fat. 

Silly as socks on a rooster.


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## 1hunglower (Sep 2, 2004)

"You don't have since that God gave a grasshopper"


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## fishkillr (Dec 31, 2008)

Busier than a faggott in a pecker patch.


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## dreamcaster (May 24, 2004)

Prettier than a speckled pup....or.....do something ,even if it's wrong.


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## t-tung (Nov 13, 2005)

*A big rain storm coming*

"Yonder come a turd floater"

"You're lookin' at it like a bunch of cows at a new gate"


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## Wedge (Apr 29, 2005)

Don't pet that cat backards.


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## bayoulady55 (Oct 26, 2006)

I went into my patient's room years ago, a wonderful elderly gent, and noticed he had been up and showered and had cologne on. I told him, "My, Mr. Smith, you smell nice", he looked at me and smiled and said "that dog can hunt!". Made my day!
One that I used to get from my grandmother while I was dating in high school "Girl, if you fly with the pretty birds, you'll always land in the horse turds".


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## jimk (May 28, 2004)

"Crooked like a dog's hind leg!"....how some people did business.
"Cut it twice and it's still too short!"


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## Tortuga (May 21, 2004)

"If ya can't run with the big dogs, don't bother gettin' off the porch "


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## KILT610 (Feb 24, 2006)

Referring to someone who acts like a high roller and tries to take advantage of people, "the buzzards never fly so high that they don't come down to roost".


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## Fat Cat (Jul 16, 2008)

That'll knock a buzzard off a $#!* wagon(smells bad)
Someone's "uglier than S#!^ on a stick"
"Sore as a ***'s ***"


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## Alumachris (Aug 31, 2008)

Country as cornbread
Boy you could mess up a one man rock fight
More messed up than a football bat


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## jfc21 (Jun 19, 2006)

He's all arse except his boots and they're full of *****

:an1:


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## koncept1 (Jan 27, 2009)

"does a bear s#!t in the woods?"
"does a bear have hair?"


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## FATKIDFISHING (May 8, 2009)

Hows your momma and all of them


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## jfc21 (Jun 19, 2006)

:an1:
If it don't stop it's going a to rain all night


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## jfc21 (Jun 19, 2006)

:an1:
This would be said to a golfer who after putting is still the furthurest from the hole...........

Hike up your skirt, Nancy, and hit it again.


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## texasair (May 22, 2004)

As full as a tick on a hound dog.

So weak, he could'nt whup his way out of a paper bag.


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## V-Bottom (Jun 16, 2007)

*H*appy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee,Kentucky,& West Virginia)


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## jake/jenny (Jul 18, 2008)

thats nuttier than squirrel $#!t


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## Haute Pursuit (Jun 26, 2006)

That boy could F'up a steel ball!


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## Slim-N-None (Sep 16, 2005)

He, she, or they was on it quicker then a chicken on a june bug. 

well I'll be.

why don't you sit a spell?

that makes about as much since as a screen door on a submarine.

that's like tryin to herd cats.


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## gordaflatsstalker (Jul 3, 2008)

knee high to a grasshopper
hotter than two mice screwing in a wool sock


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## DANO (May 23, 2005)

Melon said:


> I was over there by the tomatoes and there it come.....


running by the pole beans, through the fruits and vegetables, naked as a jaybird,...


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## DANO (May 23, 2005)

Boy you're just like a pet ****, if you can't tear it up, you'll **** on it !!


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## Saltstalker (Jun 6, 2008)

When my grandmother really was mad.....Oh , Rat Tails !
That was her cussing ...God bless her !


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## nixstix (Sep 8, 2005)

*What dad would say at 5 am ....*

When it was time to work...Get the lead out your ***, we're burnin daylight boy!


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## Titus Bass (Dec 26, 2008)

Before a minnow can swim a dipper

You can lead a gift horse to water, but you can't look him in the mouth while he's drinking

As afraid of me as a possum is an axe handle

Harder than hammered cat sh!t

Slicker than owl sh!t on a sycamore limb


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## Titus Bass (Dec 26, 2008)

Meaner than a striped spider

Feel like I been drug through a knothole, backwards

Flatter than sh!t on a plate

Horse feathers

Longer than I been away from home

He will make it if he don't die


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

She was so ugly, she could make a freight train take a dirt road
Never squat with your spurs on
You could tear up a bowling ball with a rubber hammer
Keeping up with you kids is like herding cats


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## Sidewinder (Jun 5, 2006)

Your like a blind dog in a meat house.
 or
Your like a bull moose in a china cabinet.


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## Sidewinder (Jun 5, 2006)

mastercylinder said:


> he's got more (whatever) than carter's got *little* pills.


MC, I've always heard it as *LIVER* pills, but I may be wrong. You've got several years on me.


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## seabo (Jun 29, 2006)

luckier than a dog with two ****s


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## Rainy (Jul 30, 2005)

I was always getting in trouble with my Dad for not putting good sized serving spoons in the dishes of food when I set the table every evening. He would look at the small spoons and say "that's like dipping sh-- with a knitting needle".


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## sundownbrown (May 10, 2009)

I like to say bull butter instead of bull c***. I got it from listening to a Roy Mercer CD.


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## Tom (Jul 14, 2005)

Useless as a broke dic* dog.


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## ComeFrom? (May 21, 2004)

The only three things to know for sure in this life is, time will tell, s___ will smell and water will seek its own level.

He's as screwed up as Hogan's goat.

Well forevermore!

Well I'll swunny!

:biggrin:


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## Cartman (Jun 18, 2008)

That dog won't hunt.

It's raining harder than a cow pissin' on a flat rock.


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## Friendswoodmatt (Feb 22, 2005)

If a frog had pockets he would carry a pistol to shoot snakes.
If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his arse when he hopped.
Wish in one hand and s### in the other and see which one is the fullest
Hell for stout
Cold? Yea that place is cold --the only thing between there and the north pole is a barb wire fence and its down


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## Kenner21 (Aug 25, 2005)

Crazier than a **** house rat.

That woman is nuttier than squirrel turds.

My moms is always saying " Not for all the Tea in China"


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

Cotton-Picken!


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## Haute Pursuit (Jun 26, 2006)

Nice fish dog robber!


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## Friendswoodmatt (Feb 22, 2005)

one I forgot--
That _____________ is so ugly You need 2 of 'em one to Sh## on and the other to cover it up with


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## lawnchair (Apr 27, 2009)

That boy could tear up an anvil with a Q-tip


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## saltystephen (Jul 21, 2008)

*pa-pa use to say*

it's raining harder than a cow peeing on a flat rock! you couldn't tear my picture! you couldn't count your balls and get the same number twice!


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## shrky57 (Jan 8, 2005)

finer than a frog hair split three ways


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

drier than a popcorn fart


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## trout77471 (Jun 30, 2005)

didn't know whether to %$#* or go blind...

its hotter than a two peckered billy goat...

when donkeys fly!


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## troutomatic1488 (Jun 18, 2006)

dumber than a sack of hammers put his brains in a woodpecker and it would fly backwards his brain is like a bb in a box car if your brain was dynamite you would not have enough to blow your nose


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## drred4 (Aug 12, 2005)

for crying out loud

I reckon so , or you reckon

I will see you "sunday week"

how much rain you get " 30 points"

when it is thundering " potatoes rolling on a wood floor"

It time to get to the rat killin

that boy or girl is uglier than homemade soap

my belly button is touching my backbone.

I fixing to put a quiatus on that .......


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## Texas Jeweler (Nov 6, 2007)

We lost Daddy five years ago on Friday, but he stated often:

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

If all else fails, read the instructions.

Don't pick a fight with nothing meaner than you.

Only thing I can tell you about a politician, is he wants to get re-elected.

Miss ya Daddy...


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## CoastalBent (Aug 3, 2006)

When grandpa had to pee... "My eyes are turnin yella"

When it's hot it's "Hotter n' a pistol"


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## buckshot84 (Jan 17, 2008)

you better tie them shoes someone gonna think your cornbread aint done


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## PeteD (Sep 21, 2005)

... uglier than the south end of a north-bound mule.


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## ML56 (Dec 30, 2008)

Grandma- Little money little music!
Sudy long, study wrong(playing 42)
Granddad- __________ could screw up a wet dream
Till the cows come home
Measure twice, cut once(he was a carpenter)
Dad- T'aint funny McGee
Son of a gun!


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## scwine (Sep 7, 2006)

Grandma--Louder than a cow pissin' on a rock!


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## Titus Bass (Dec 26, 2008)

Could not pour p!$$ out of a boot, with the instructions written on the heel

1/2 bubble off plumb

Hotter than a 2 dollar pistol

Happier than a pig in the sunshine


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

Good Lord willin' and the creek don't rise!


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## YakMan (Dec 2, 2005)

Not play'n with a full deck
Granny would say Boy,I will slap you into next Sundy
Covered up like cat $^%# in a sand box when we was busy
Cow ****'n on a flat rock seems to be popular
If it dont fit force it,If it breaks it needed to be replaced anyway.
Had to walk to school barefoot in the snow uphill both ways


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## Snap Draggin (Nov 11, 2007)

Not sure if this one has been mentioned yet. Too many posts to look through. If you're gonna be dumb, you better be tough.


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## huntr4life (Apr 30, 2007)

If that boy had a brain cell, he would take it out and play with it.

Thats about as much fun as pulling teeth.


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

Life is tough, it is tougher if you're stupid.


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## seabo (Jun 29, 2006)

could'nt hit the broad side of a barn, rougher n a cobb...


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

When God was handing out brains, he thought He said trains and said no thanks!


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## Don Smith (Nov 24, 2007)

Drunker'n a skunk
Drunker'n ol Cooter Brown
Knuckle walkin drunk
Uglier than a mud fence
Coyote ugly
Mind ur own bidness
That boy plows crooked rows
Madder'n a wet hen
red on the head like a d***on a dog
A little light in his loafers
That's the pot calling the kettle black


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## firemitch2 (Sep 5, 2006)

when something was a tight fit 

thats tighter than a whales arse. 
how tight is that?
water tight.


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

out of the frying pan and into the fire


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## ComeFrom? (May 21, 2004)

CoastalBent said:


> When grandpa had to pee... "My eyes are turnin yella"
> 
> My Grandpa said... "My teeth are floatin'."
> 
> ...


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

Commonly heard in our house before remotes and cable...
One of you boys get up and switch the channel...


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## Brassnadz (Jun 18, 2007)

You cant run with the big dogs if you pee like a pup!


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

quit crying or I'll give ya something to cry about you little.....


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## collegeboy (May 26, 2004)

I was so broke....."if it had cost a nickel to $hite, I'd vomit."


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## SURF Buster (Feb 17, 2008)

It is Colder than a Well Diggers *** in Montana!
Boy,if your that hungry eat one hand and save the other for tommorrow.


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

My dad: If God had wanted Texans to ski, He'd have made Bulls**t white!


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## luna nueva (Jul 4, 2007)

I've known you since you were knee-high to a grasshopper


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## fuelish1 (Aug 3, 2004)

"go piZZ up a rope" LMAO everytime


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## jfc21 (Jun 19, 2006)

:an1:
I declare.


Never fight with a skunk. 
Even if you kikk his arse you'll still smell like a skunk.

Never get in a fight with an old man.
If you kikk his arse everybody will call you a bully and 
if he kikks your arse everybody will call you a candy arse.


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

one of these days..., one of these days..., one of these days....Pow! Right in the kisser!


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## Stringer (May 22, 2004)

In the mornings before leaving for a fishing trip my dad used to always say, "Hurry up boys! We're burning daylight."


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## Bull Red Daddy (Oct 7, 2006)

One of my old hog hunting buddies had surgery one time & to describe the wound / scar, he said "It looked like a mule's arse sewed up with a grape vine !" Now that's UGLY !!


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## dabear (Nov 7, 2006)

My mom would be getting on my oldest brother and then tell him.Boy you dont even have a pot to **** in or a window to through it out of.God rest his sole


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## Bull Red Daddy (Oct 7, 2006)

Titus Bass said:


> Could not pour p!$$ out of a boot, with the instructions written on the heel
> 
> 1/2 bubble off plumb
> 
> ...


Titus Bass - If you would take a 12 pack & a note pad out to your Uncle Bo's, you could max this thread out !!


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## Melon (Jun 1, 2004)

It's crick! 

Not Creek!

Over yonder! 

Not Over there!

How yall doing

Not..How you doing

I was country

When country wasn't cool! lol


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

If the rabbit hadn't stopped to *****, the bear wouldn't have caught him now would he?


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## EGT Limited (Jul 30, 2004)

My Grandmothers:
1) Don't interrupt while my stories are on. "Guiding Light" and "As The World Turns" We got one channel out there Russell Kansas.
2) "Just because you put your boots in the oven it don't make them biscuts."
Granddad:
"Stop actin a fool"


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

Next one of you kids that slams that screen door is gonna get a whoopin! (Dad working graveyards)


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## willyhunting (Apr 21, 2006)

Some of Gramps common sayings;

Boy, you could tear up an anvil with a rubber mallet....

Hotter than a three balled Tomcat.

That's like a Monkey ******* in' the cash register....it runs into money...

I am so **** thirsty, I'd lick the sweat off a bull's ba.....he was 6'5 310lbs and not an oz. of fat on him. So he got away with it.

If your lookin' for sympathy, you can start by looking in the dictionary between sh-t and syphilis.


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## 2blue (Apr 16, 2007)

Tighter than a mouses ear=whore in bartersville, west of 59 [email protected] 1960. Grandpa
Slicker than "come" on a gold tooth. friend from Alabama.
Can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear.
Dumb as a stump.
Slicker than owl $hiT.
That boy aint right.
Why buy the cow when the milk is free?
Colder than a winches tit.
Two can live cheap as one.
Slower than molassas.
Thick between the ears.
Hornier than a double d!ck goat.


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## ELF62 (Dec 24, 2004)

Well if that don't beat a hen a peckin' without a pecker!


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## Aggie91 (Sep 26, 2005)

That boy can't hit a bull in the butt with a handfull of gravel
That's like pushing a chain uphill - (frustrating)
"That ole deer was so far away, I had to shoot twice to get the bullet there".
"Grinning like a jackaz eating thistles"
If some horse was running fast he was: picken em' up and layen em' down"
If he had to go some where in a hurry (horse or car!) . . . he would "sit up straight and spur hard"
more than once I have heard him call some one a "drugstore cowboy"
It was so dry, the catfish got fleas.

Boy, I sure miss him . . . .


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## Mo City Rick (Sep 3, 2008)

Your not the sharpest tool in the shed are you son(for Grandpa Howe)
in or out (the door you pervs)lol
bigger than a Christmas ham
What the he!! were you thinkin' boys (this one's for Grandpa Howe also)
Aw chicken feet
Dumber than a stump

Rick


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## Kenner21 (Aug 25, 2005)

My grand-father who passed away 3 month ago when looking at a attractive young woman "All that meat and no potatoes" I never asked him exactly what he meant and I probably could go a couple different ways with that one.


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## Never easy (Mar 20, 2006)

GRANDMA-wish i had a little more money was not so good lookin.

glad you got to see me.


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## BFI (Jan 11, 2006)

shakin like a dog crappin a peach seed. Gittin down to the short rows now(almost finished). You thought?(whatever is was that you thought was supposed to happen)--well you know what thought did, he thought he had to fart but, he messed up his britches. Boy that things shinin like a diamond in a goats ash. Been rode hard and put up wet. like havin an aligator by the tail.


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## donf (Aug 8, 2005)

All the white meat is gone. There's nothin' but necks on the platter. 
*Darrell Royal*

Breaks balance out. The sun don't shine on the same ol' dog's rear end every day.


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## donf (Aug 8, 2005)

Never wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig loves it.


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## Bruce J (Jun 27, 2004)

That thing will fall apart like a nickel mop 

You gotta take a long run to jump a wide ditch (it takes some work/planning to get a big project done)


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## redduck (Jul 26, 2006)

Great balls of cat hair

you could not take a pine knot and a bucket of shi%#@$^ and run him off

Where there is a will there is a way

When asked what you doing "building a shimsham for a duck to sh$%# in"

colder than a witches tit in a brass brazeer

to dare someone "you have not got a hair in your as#$%.

If you had started with that one you would be finished now

If a frog had wings he would not have stone bruises on his as#$%


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## SARGENTTX (Aug 8, 2007)

*granpa*

i aint drunk but i darn shore been drinking


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## Mark454 (May 21, 2007)

You talk so much, you make me tired.


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, then bounced back up....

When I die, don't make no fuss, just roll me off in the holler. -My Grandmother.


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

Shut up and eat your gruel. - Patrick McManus


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## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

You can always tell a Yankee, you just can't tell him much.


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## Blue_Wave028 (Jul 23, 2008)

"Slower than molasses in the dead of winter"
"You couldn't hit the broad side of the barn if you were in it"
"You couldn't hit a bull on it's *** with a bass fiddle"
"Like a worn out peter...can't beat it"
"Everything you touch turns to $hit"
"could shart through a screen door at 50 paces!"
"Dumber than hammered $hit"
"gotta **** like a racehorce"


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## workorfish (Sep 5, 2007)

This (insert here) is about as straight as a dog's hind leg.


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## Propwash (Jul 29, 2005)

"That ol' gal has skin't more roots than a wagon wheel"


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## Levelwind (Apr 15, 2005)

Squealing like a pig under a gate (complaining)

Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey

Can't never did nothin

dumber than a box of rocks

as much class as a sack of *********

Knee high to a young giraffe

Night night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs bite


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## JLand (Apr 14, 2006)

*So hot and dry,,,*

I'd have to prime myself to spit.


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## BigTim (Dec 3, 2006)

After getting hurt...

"Think about how good it's gonna' feel when it quits hurting."

My kids hate it when I say it.


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## strosfann (Jul 19, 2007)

She's dressed up like a two-dollar hooker.

He's (insert term here bigger, badder, richer etc.) than Ben Gum.


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## plgorman (Jan 10, 2008)

"it dont make a ****"
"**** it's raining like a cow peein on a flat rock"
"well ***** fire and save the matches"


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## JLKing (Jul 17, 2008)

BigTim said:


> After getting hurt...
> 
> "Think about how good it's gonna' feel when it quits hurting."
> 
> My kids hate it when I say it.


My grandfather's solution to pain was "Just run a splinter under your fingernail and you'll forget all about it."


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## goatchze (Aug 1, 2006)

If asked whether she was going to be at any given place at any given time, Granny would always say:

"Lord willin' and if the creek don't rise!"


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## rlw (May 21, 2004)

Propwash said:


> "That ol' gal has skin't more roots than a wagon wheel"


First one I hadden't heard yet!! Good'un!!


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## jay07ag (Mar 22, 2006)

*grandfather used to say about a bad duck dog...*

"he dont know come 'ere from sick'em"


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## Professor Jones (Nov 17, 2005)

Good food- That'll make a bulldog break his chain.
Someone drunk- They didn't know if they were in Texas or Alaska.
Something innovative- That's neater than pockets on a shirt.
Someone gets hurt- Aw, I had worse places than that on my eyeball.
Bad food- That taste just like momma used to make, only she didn't sh-t in her's.
Lack of rain- When it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, Cotulla got a quarter inch.

I know some more, but I'm having a senior moment!!

Professor Jones


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## fishnstringer (Oct 20, 2006)

*My dad*

would always tell us "he'd had worst places in his eye" when we had a injury, but when he had a four bypass heart surgery and we gave him a tee-shirt stating the same he didn't think it was very funny!
"Hotdog you all I swear man, I'm a tell'n ya the truth"
" just whizzel'n(sp?) dixie"


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## mudhog (May 9, 2005)

I've been busier then a cat covering up shirt on a marble floor.
I've been busier then a stumped tail bull in fly season.
When a vendor brings donuts and puts them in the coffee bar I always tell him "Thats like throwing a 3 legged cat into a pack of dogs."
Its so hot the trees are calling the dogs over.
Boy if your going to fullfill your dreams you got to wake up first.
I live in plum and nearly Texas, Its plum out of town and nearly to the next one. She's been drilled more times then the panhandle. she's been banged more times then a screen door in a huricane.


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## Bozo (Jun 16, 2004)

My granma's answer to anything we asked "when" it was going to happen. Like when are we going to go to the store or when is so and so coming over.

"I reckon dreckly". Sometimes just shortened to "Dreckly" . (directly; meaning soon)

I was probably 15 and she'd been dead 6 or 7 years before I clued in to what "dreckly" was. When I was younger I just stayed confused to the answer and had no idea what in the hell that was supposed to mean. I never bothered to ask cause I'd get tanned for questioning an adults answer. 

Boy I feel dense. :doh:


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## FISHNNUTT (Oct 27, 2007)

That boy would argue with a fence post

(makes me think of some folks around here) :rotfl::rotfl:


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## hsif (Dec 16, 2008)

bless his heart...

he couldn't hit the side of a barn

he could't pour pee out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.


----------



## kcliff (Dec 18, 2004)

you couldnt fight your way out of a wet paper sack.
**** boy you got the LLM again-set the hook
that girl got more chins than a chinese phone book


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## fisHRman (Aug 11, 2005)

She wasn't just hit with the ugly stick - the whole dang tree fell on her!
Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra
Tighter than a frogs butt and thats watertight
He's two bricks shy of a load
His elevator dont go all the way up


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## Bill Fisher (Apr 12, 2006)

finer'n a frog's hair

..... is a frog's arse watertight?!!

i'll whoop you with a knotted plow line boy!

i'll jerk a knot in yore head!

don't just stand there with yore thumb-up-yore-butt!

(the rain)......... man!,....... it's coming down pitchforks-and-******-babies!


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## FINNFOWLER (Sep 2, 2004)

I much rather set my hair on fire and put it out with a hammer.

My granny used that one a few times.


----------



## chicapesca (Jun 7, 2004)

My grandmother used to say "she made enough for Kotzes army" when she made a big pot of gumbo or chili.


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## Blue_Wave028 (Jul 23, 2008)

*Hot and Dry*



JLand said:


> I'd have to prime myself to spit.


Reminds me of what this old man said

"So hot even a woman won't take a root!"


----------



## triple f (Aug 23, 2005)

When someone asks if something was hard to do........
"It was like tryin to shove a marshmellow up a wildcats arse with a hot poker"

Or...."Like tryin to push a chain up-hill"

I think I only heard my Nanny cuss once. She was tryin to get a rather energetic "ssrimp" on her hook. It kept poppin and flippin to the point where she said, rather emphatically, "Well PIDDLE!"

I miss you Nanny! Find us a good spot on a creek bank up there!


----------



## Ol'Bob (Mar 2, 2007)

When looking for something and its right in front of you mom would holler , "**** if it was a snake it would a done bit ya"

Pa - "Ya buy cheap, ya get cheap"


----------



## RGV AG (Aug 15, 2005)

"She's seen more d**k than an ol' doctor" for a hussy

"You'd ***** with a loaf of bread under one arm and a ham under the other" for complaining


----------



## Levelwind (Apr 15, 2005)

Some variations to some that've been posted

tighter than a bulls arse at fly time

That smell would knock a maggot off a dead wagon

As the crow flies

When they pat me in the face with a shovel

That tractor wouldn't pull a sick whore out of bed

Ol Bill's got that heifer stump broke

Hotter than the hinges of hell

Didn't take him long to look at that! (after handing someone a piece of hot metal with a pair of pliers)


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## Bone Pile (Jan 23, 2009)

Quieter than a Monday morning church.
Tighter than ***** hat band.
She's like a catfish,all mouth and no arse.
Harder than a preachers pec__r.
If it don't stop raining,its gonna rain all day.
His elevator does not go all the way up.
Like tryin to push a red hot poker up a wildcats arse.
So ugly the dogs won't play with her.
Till we are finished.
As long as it takes.
Cause I'm daddy.
I've been there done that.
Since Moby Dick was a minnow.
Older than dirt.
You will never be smart if you stay so dang dumb.
Study hard or work hard the rest of your life.
You won't get there going backwards.
Uglier than a mud road.
Raining like a cow pi____g on a flat rock.
Like taking sand to the beach,it just don't matter.
Slicker tha owl s__t.
Long as a whores dream.
Come on son,the bear always eats the slowest runner.


----------



## Harbormaster (May 26, 2000)

"Dont cuss the mud if you prayed for rain"

Reply when somebody says you're working too slow...."if you dont like this speed...you dang sure aint gonna like the next one!"


----------



## bassmaster2004 (Aug 2, 2004)

we would be playing baseball in the front yard and my grandpa would say if u missed the ball when hitting. " you could hit a bulls *** with a bass fiddle".


----------



## Bonito (Nov 17, 2008)

You can lead a horse to water but you can't cry over spilt milk under a bridge.


----------



## Bonito (Nov 17, 2008)

It tastes so good it'll make your toung slap your brain plumb out.


----------



## redfish bayrat (Feb 17, 2006)

Loose women
" If she had as many d###s sticking out of her as she has had in her, she would look like a porcupine."

Bs'n
" Don't ****** on my leg and then tell me it's raining".


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## Danny Jansen (Sep 15, 2005)

Every Monday morning during harvest season, my Dad would come into our room before daylight and say, "Get your butts out of bed boys. It's Monday, day after tomorrow is Wednesday, half the weeks gone and we haven't hit a lick yet."

When something went bad--That's as bad as stink on $hit.


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## hook'n'em (Aug 11, 2007)

Heard these 2 recently:

"We were so poor we had to j**k off the dog to feed the cat"

&

"He's giddier than Elton John at a $5 **** whore festival"


----------



## uncle dave (Jul 27, 2008)

goofy as a road lizard , his dough never did rise


----------



## Sidewinder (Jun 5, 2006)

Asked if something was hard.......

"I'd rather j**k off a bobcat in a telephone booth with a hand full of cock-a-burs!"


----------



## Main Frame 8 (Mar 16, 2007)

Saltstalker said:


> When my grandmother really was mad.....Oh , Rat Tails !
> That was her cussing ...God bless her !


Mine said "Oh Fiddlesticks"!!! 

Other notables:

Slicker than owl chit.

Commonly yelled at dogs whether theirs or not. "*getownawayfromere*" - Yes, it was spoken as one word.

One uncle used to say his waders "leaked like a seal" - I never got it and never questioned him.

Don't let the door hitcha where the good Lord splitya.

Sweeter than 3 cups of sugar -

Queer as a 3 dollar bill

Luckier than a 3 d**ked billygoat.

Colder than a well diggers arse.

Colder than witches teats.


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## Cynoscion (Jun 4, 2009)

That makes about as much since as 2 boys fu**in.

When things are all screwed up....its like a monkey fu**in a football.

When things go smoothly....its like butter from a duck.


----------



## Main Frame 8 (Mar 16, 2007)

From the uncle who introduced me to hunting and fishing:

"Off your arse and on your feet; Out of the shade and in the heat"

Translation: Get up and lets go.


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## JPO (Oct 15, 2005)

After all is said and done, more is said than done...........


couldnt be more true.......miss ya!


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## JPO (Oct 15, 2005)

that boys stronger than 10 acres of garlic!

im deaf in one ear and cant hear out the other.

its hotter than a fresh f***** hore in a pepper patch!

if I was any better i'd have to be twins.


----------



## Wayner (Jan 5, 2006)

My friend Larry use to tell his son,
"Boy, you would be a good candidate for the birth control poster."


----------



## Hard Head (May 21, 2004)

You're gonna wake up dead one of these days!


----------



## bowed up (Apr 1, 2007)

"We ain't building cabinets." (when building something that doesn't have to look good)
"I gotta **** worst than a four balled race horse at the Kentucky Derby."
"Back when I . . . we walked up hill, both ways in the snow, with no shoes."
"I think his gerbal has stopped." (talking about someone that aint to bright)


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## corykj (Oct 30, 2008)

it's hotter than four female foxes fornicating in a forest fire!

taken from my brother, who stole it from some old man...

old man: 'i like my women like i like my coffee...'

brother: 'hot and black?'

old man: 'no... in a styrofoam cup'

***???


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## bowed up (Apr 1, 2007)

6 OF ONE, HALF DOZEN OF THE OTHER


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## Blue Polaski (Oct 8, 2007)

"you'd have a better chance jerkin' off a wildcat"


----------



## badfisherman (Dec 30, 2005)

colder than a well-digger's *** in alaska
hotter than a fresh-f--ed who--
good lord willing and the crick don't rise
boy, you could f-- up a wet dream
just of my dad's ole sayings..bless his sole..


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## kj (May 23, 2004)

I was born at night but not last night


----------



## Leo (May 21, 2004)

Use some one has screwed up..I'm gonna tell you how the cows ate the cabbage


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## tailwalker35 (Jul 3, 2008)

Don't worry about the mule, just load the wagon!


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## Blue Polaski (Oct 8, 2007)

"that ain't worth two pinches of monkey chit"


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## Bozo (Jun 16, 2004)

Main Frame 8 said:


> One uncle used to say his waders "leaked like a seal" - I never got it and never questioned him.


I think he was saying "sieve" not "seal". At least that's the old saying.


----------



## Bayscout22 (Aug 9, 2007)

If someone was poor, it could be said they:
ain't got a pot to **** in or a window to throw it out of...
ain't got two nickels to rub together

Someone who was lucky:
fall into a bucket of **** can come out smelling like a rose...

Couldn't shoot or throw:
you couldn't hit the broad side of the barn

If you were greedy:
pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered...

If you were holding my grandfather up:
boy, you are slower than saltwater taffy...

Someone who was dead:
taking a dirt nap...

Someone who was shy:
quiet as a church mouse

My grandfather's way of saying "Son of a gun":
San Antonio Kid


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## TXFPCOACH (Jul 2, 2008)

Great grandpa "Go ahead and cry, You'll pee less"


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## PinTeal (Apr 23, 2008)

That's more fun than stompin baby chickens


----------



## huntinguy (Aug 22, 2005)

Great thread, hate I missed it all day.

I didn't see these.

"wide shoulders for a heavy load" when there was a lot of work to be done.

" takes a lean horse to run a long race" my dad

" tighter than a cockle bur in a bears behind"

"can't never could" we didn't get to use that word much as kids lol.

"busier'n a man with the seven year itch and a dollar watch"

if something was black, it was said to be "blacker than ole Coaly's arse"

"he's a big frog in a small pond." kinda similar to "all hat and no cattle"

" boy aint' got the sense the Lord gave a jackass"

if somethin was ugly, or scary, it'd be so ugly or scary that " it'd scare a bad footed booger up a thorn tree backards."

"that thing smells like the north end of south bound hog" that would would sometimes also be "ugly as or looks like"

"longer'n a well rope in Idaho" 

"it as so far down I had to look twice to see the bottom"

"madder'n a first calf heipher" also could be prouder than same.

"smells worse than a sack full of arse holes"

If somethin tastes bad." it as so bad I had to find a dead rat an eat him just to get the taste out"

If something was gonna happen "later" then it'd happen:

"dreckly" = directly, immediately after the current activity eg.....When we gonna go load that hay? "dreckly, soon as I finish my coffee we'll go"

"for a spell" means a good while.

for a while, that could be later, or how far I could see on that big farm.

if something was expensive. "higher'n a cats back' or " they's proud of it!"

If we knew we'd really been working when my grandad said " I looked out there and couldn't see nothing but ********* and elbows!" 

more to come later, time for me to go home.


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## longhorn1975 (Oct 2, 2005)

IF YOUR GONNA HOOT WITH THE OWLS, YOU GOTTA FLY WITH THE EAGLES


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## longhorn1975 (Oct 2, 2005)

THAT DOG WILL HUNT!


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## RedFisch (Jan 15, 2009)

It's colder than a witches teet in a brass brazzier. 
It's hotter than two rats f***in' in a wool sock. 
The wind is blowing harder than a sack full of queers.


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## fuelish1 (Aug 3, 2004)

dunno how old it is, but when someone is offering you advice that is giving you assistance on something that you don't want, "who's screwin' this cat, you or me, now shaddap and hold the tail!"


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## 2blue (Apr 16, 2007)

Yonder=over there.
Yankee dime=a kiss.
Long in the tooth=old.
I don't know how they make 'em so good and sell 'em so cheap. BEER.
Finer than frog hair.
I'll bet she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
Kiss my ***** and call me shorty.
What are you allowing how?=How is it going.
Higher than giraffe pu$$y=cost alot.


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## TomCat (Jan 6, 2006)

You're as full of chit as a Christmas Turkey.

It's so dry the catfish are coming up to the house and drinking the dog's water. 

That girl's had more pricks than a pin cushion.

This is between you, me, and the fence post. 

Faster than you can holler Jack Robinson with your mouth open. (try it)

I gotta pee like a race horse gotta run.

Well slap my face and call me Nancy.

Hooter'n na Drunk Owl


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## TXwhtlHNTR (Nov 19, 2008)

"That woman to whom you belong sure knows her business."

Compliment to young woman from older, "That ol' gal sure can cook (knows how to treat) _____ ."

"That's enough to p--s off a priest."

"Money talks,B---S--- walks."

"Life's a bit--, if it was a sl-t, it would be easy."

"...feel(s) as bad as (is as ugly as) a pound of petrified puppy puke."

"...cold enough to freeze the b---s off a brass monkey."


----------



## trout77471 (Jun 30, 2005)

busy as a cat coverin shi%


----------



## br549 (Jan 17, 2006)

"i'd rather eat the *** out of a menstrating skunk"

"couldnt pour **** out of a boot with the dirrections written on the heel"

"if she had as many stickin out as she had stuck in, shed look like a cactus"

"make hay while the sun shines"

"you gonna fish or cut bait"


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## regulator (May 21, 2004)

well [email protected]#$ me runnin backwards

Be good, if you can't be good then be good at it.!!!!


----------



## RGV AG (Aug 15, 2005)

For heat/hot:

"Hotter than a burning stump"

"Hotter than a horehouse on nickle night"

For screwing up:

"Boy, you could f-up a mayonaisse sandwich"


----------



## Haute Pursuit (Jun 26, 2006)

When someone was doing well financially...
"They's walkin in high cotton"
"They's eatin high on the hog"


----------



## Circle B BearKat (Jul 20, 2005)

"Well I'll tell you what, that there is slicker than owl sh!t on a barn door!"

"He ain't got 'nary a lick of sense"

"I'm so hungry my stomach's knawin' on my backbone"


----------



## huntinguy (Aug 22, 2005)

high on the hog, HP thats one I was lookin for last night, the other was "make hay while the sun's shining".


----------



## greg77 (May 22, 2006)

I never actually heard this one, I must have read it somewhere

you look like you was killed by a bear, et by a coyote and s**t over a cliff


----------



## rbt2 (May 3, 2006)

just a couple i've heard. i don't know if these 2 have been posted or not, i'm just too lazy to read all the posts...

talking about someone who's old: "they've bee around since before the dead sea got sick"...

about someone who's eye glasses are pretty thick: "those glasses are so thick, you can see the future"...

rbt2


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## RiverRat44 (May 19, 2009)

*Favorite old country saying*

I feel like I've been ate by a wolf and *!#* off a cliff !


----------



## Duck (Feb 21, 2005)

From my dad's family and my pre-teen years growing up in SC:

you need to eat that it's good, it'll put lead in your pencil 
you've gotta knock his [email protected] in the dirt (football coach)
can't hit the broadside of a barn with a bass fiddle
like shootin' pool with a rope


----------



## Damo (Aug 24, 2005)

Shot and missed, ***** on and hit

Instead of clusterflock, use goatscrew

So dumb he couldn't find his arse with both hands

After belching or flatulation - excuse me, f&^k


----------



## tpool (Aug 21, 2005)

I haven't read all the posts either but plan on it tonight...

"Well don't that just frost ur n*ts!"

"Well $h*t the bed!"

"Beats anything I ever stepped in or smelt of!"

Anytime we got sick it was "tomaine poisoning" no matter what....

On alot of words my folks would add a "t" like Wasp is 'Wast'

Also, any yellow jacket or small 'wast' was a 'guniea wast'

"He was so drunk he couldn't $h*t in 10 acres!"


----------



## seabo (Jun 29, 2006)

good stuff ya'll! here's an ol sayin, smile'n like a possum eatin ****.


----------



## bigfishtx (Jul 17, 2007)

it's rain'n like a cow pi**in on a flat rock


----------



## Main Frame 8 (Mar 16, 2007)

Older than grandpa's buckskin rubber.


----------



## drfishalot (Sep 9, 2004)

don't say whoa in the middle of a mud hole
richer than a foot up a bulls arse
older than my grandma and she farts dust
I may be a slow learner, but I'm a learner


----------



## MaddMarlin (Jun 8, 2009)

im probably butchering this phrase but my grandpa would tell me in finnish

"ei tyot tekemalla lopuu"

which basically translates meaning work will not run out by doing more work.

he would be what you would consider a finnish wine making *******. kinda like your old man that stays in the woods making whiskey.


----------



## yep (Jul 25, 2006)

someone who was tough/thick skinned: he's got some hard bark on him

dumb as a box of rocks

after a bad meal: I was sh**ing like a pet ****

s**t fire and save the matches

that truck/tractor could pull the gates off of hell


----------



## Cable Slinger (Jul 8, 2008)

*sayins*

"don't take a sack lunch to a BBQ"- don't take an average looking woman to a place where there will be better ones

" fu**ed up like a rodeo mule" - drunk

"that boy don't know **** from apple butter"

"higher than giraffe pu$$y"- something too expensive

hungrier than a bit*h wolf with nine sucking pups"-


----------



## GIGEM18 (Jan 29, 2008)

AS MY OLD BOSS USE TO SAY

NOTHING LAST FOREVER
THAT'S NO STEP FOR A STEPPER


----------



## ladyfish (May 25, 2004)

grab the bull by the tail and face the situation - (rather dire situation)

can't find their bellybutton if you stapled both hands to it -- (fairly dumb person.. bellybutton can be relpaced in the phrase)

fish hips & chicken lips --- (things that are impossible)


----------



## Coastal Quest (Jul 12, 2006)

Granddad said " By Grabbies" when telling a story so you knowed it was true

or "Go down 1/2 a 1/4 " meaning a 1/8 mile

Uncle says "Grab your hat and your ***** " when he's ready to go.


----------



## rsoria1 (Apr 19, 2008)

sweatin like a pregnant nun

sweatin like a whore in church


----------



## Tortuga (May 21, 2004)

Anybody remember ol' Willie Nelson in 'Electric Horseman" ???


“I’m gonna get myself a bottle of tequila and one of those Keno girls who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, and relax.”


----------



## 2blue (Apr 16, 2007)

Tortuga said:


> Anybody remember ol' Willie Nelson in 'Electric Horseman" ???
> 
> "I'm gonna get myself a bottle of tequila and one of those Keno girls who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, and relax."


Yep. That's a good one.


----------



## TREBLEHOOK (Jul 11, 2004)

If my dog was that ugly, I would shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards
grinning like a jackass eating briers -------------- Herb:slimer:


----------



## Red3Fish (Jun 4, 2004)

*Yall did pretty good, missed these tho..*

"Close enough for government work".....doesn't have to be perfect

"Flatter than a pancake"....you figure it out! LOL

"Seen its' better day"......worn out

"Couldln't pull a sick whore off a chamber pot"....weak tractor, car, truck

"Couldn't cut hot butter"....dull knife, saw, blade

"Frog strangler"....hevay rain

"Devil is beating his wife"....sunshine and rain

"This place looks like a sows' nest".....Messy!

"Too wet to plow, too windy to fish, too old to f_*(,"...Bad day

"Cut twice, measure onest, or was it....."......after you screwed up

"Hit the OTHER nail".....usaully while roofing, while cussin, after you busted your finger.

"Swole up like a dead cow in the pasture"...bad sprain, very preggy gal, etc

"He had to put rocks in his pockets, to keep from getting blowed away"....skinny

Prolly got more, but my brain has "stripped a gear"....aint working any more

Later
R3F


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## stangfan93 (Aug 4, 2007)

Don't feel like reading all the others so if they are repeated to bad:

He can spin a good yarn.

Finer than a frogs hair split three ways and sanded

higher than eagle nuts (something really really expensive)

something something as all get out.

working harder than a hooker on dollar day 

looked like a jackass eating a yellow jacket

fine as all outdoors/ hot as all outdoors

as the crow flies


----------



## finfinder951 (May 17, 2005)

Grandma Used To Say..."Whew!! I'm hotter'n a road lizard!" (She grew up in Fulton Beach)

Then there's "Tore up like a $2 watch"

and 

"If cotton was brains and went for 1 cent a pound he wouldn't have enough sense to buy a kotex for a **** ant"


----------



## tec (Jul 20, 2007)

Came apart like a $2 suitcase.


----------



## greg77 (May 22, 2006)

"sucking hind teat" - means you got the short end of the stick or a raw deal.


----------



## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

more Efffed up than a soup sandwich.

my back teeth are floating.

higher than a cats ***. (in regards to high prices)

Here's a picture of a bunny with a pancake on it's head. 

a


----------



## Cable Slinger (Jul 8, 2008)

*SAYINS*

couldn't pull a greased string out of a cat's *****-


----------



## frenzyfinder (Jul 8, 2008)

Don't worry about the mule, just load the wagon.


----------



## seeing reds (May 17, 2005)

*1 legged*

Does a 1 legged duck swim in a circle....


----------



## Spiderweb (May 22, 2004)

*old says*

Got to shake the dew off my lilly


----------



## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

From ******* to ***** with a ***** shoved up his ***

That ones gonna be a little hard on the filter... might even break it..


----------



## Packup (May 27, 2009)

Aint got the sense God gave a Turnip

Dumb as a box of Rocks

Couldn't find your A** with both hands if it was on fire

Mean as a Rattlesnake

Aint the Brightest Star in the Sky

Colder than a Witches T** in a brass bra

If you rob from Peter to pay Paul, you get a sore Peter

Hotter than two fat rats f****** in a wool sock

Brings tears to a glass eye


----------



## Packup (May 27, 2009)

Read all the posts..........here are some more

Swettin like a N-word tryin to read (Hot)
Hotter than a Who**s mattress on Dollar Night
Gotta go see a man about a horse 
So full of Sh**, his eyes are brown
That would make a buzzard Puke (Smells bad)


----------



## mastercylinder60 (Dec 18, 2005)

Haute Pursuit said:


> That boy could F'up a steel ball!


my uncle used to say it, "he could f__ up a steel ball with a rubber hammer."


----------



## sweenyite (Feb 22, 2009)

That went over like a turd in the punch bowl.


----------



## jdickey (Jan 30, 2009)

He's two turnips short of a bushel.....
His wagon's only got three wheels....
Hurry up son....yer burning the biscuits...
Bet his gravey's got lumps in it.....
All hat and no oil....
Knee high to a gnat nose....
Not much taller than a chigger's cheek....

Dad's favorite meal.... Can of Vienna sausages, chunk of cheese, saltine crackers, sweet onion, and some OVERLAND TROUT (cold cut meat)....washed down with a big glass of SWEET TEA!


----------



## S.O.B.(Salt On the Brain) (Jan 8, 2006)

I'll probably get banned for this one.....about it rainin' hard, y'all only have part of the saying. It's supposed to be "Raining like a double-c*nted cow pi$$in' on a flat rock." 

Now that's rainin"!


----------



## BigPig069 (May 20, 2006)

My Grandpa would say, Remember son Date a girl with small hands, it makes your willie look bigger, or Remember no matter how much makeup you put on a pig it is still a pig underneath. He had some other sayings but those are the words of wisdom I still remember.


----------



## rainbowrunner (Dec 31, 2005)

"That pie's richer'n 6 foot up a bull's a**"

"That boy's wound up tighter than an 8 day clock"

My Papa would always say "naturally" when he was ****** off at my Grandma. 25 years ago and I remember it like yesterday.:rotfl:


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## rainbowrunner (Dec 31, 2005)

or.."can suck a golf ball through a garden hose"



Tortuga said:


> Anybody remember ol' Willie Nelson in 'Electric Horseman" ???
> 
> "I'm gonna get myself a bottle of tequila and one of those Keno girls who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, and relax."


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## Profish00 (May 21, 2004)

A guy on a galloping horse wouldn't notice


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## Htown (Mar 28, 2007)

You have an alligator mouth with a mockingbird ***.
He has a head like a house cat.
i'm sweating like a prostitute in church.
Don't poke the bear.
It's cold as a witches' t**.
You need a switchin!
He could screw up a one car funeral.
She could screw up a we* dream.
That dog will hunt.


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## BULLRED (Nov 5, 2004)

Boy,you ain't worth the shell to shoot.
Fine as frogs hair.
Dumb as a stump.
I shoulda been born rich instead of so **** good lookin.


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## Fishin' Soldier (Dec 25, 2007)

I'm not gonna read all 26 pages but My daddy used to say this alot and I have adopted it into my vocab. 

Caddy-corner and lolly-gagging.

If you look over there "caddy-corner" and you will see that old house I am talking about.. Diagonally...

Stop lolly-gaggin boy and get that carp over here... Draggin arse!


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## Procrastinator (Jun 30, 2008)

Cold as a witches teet!

Cold as a well diggers butt!

Harder than a brick Batt!


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## Nwilkins (Jan 18, 2009)

Off like a prom dress

My mom would say: it's in yonder, I grew up thinking the living room was the yonder


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## lordbater (May 21, 2004)

Those of us that read all 26 pages are unsubscribing .........
wait for it...

wait for it....
wait for iiiiiittttt..




now!


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## Hollywood1053 (May 15, 2009)

mastercylinder said:


> he's got more (whatever) than carter's got little pills.


I've heard this as "than Carter's got *liver* pilles"


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## Hollywood1053 (May 15, 2009)

harder'n $10 worth of jaw breakers...


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## fisHRman (Aug 11, 2005)

I am so hungry my stomach thinks my throat has been cut.

My tongue got behind my eye teeth and I couldn't see what I was saying.


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## Poon Chaser (Aug 22, 2006)

i would ppiss on a spark plug if i thought it would help


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## wtc3 (Aug 16, 2005)

That's wrong as two boys kissin'

I'll put somethin' on you Babo won't take off

I'll hit you so hard you'll think you're in a crowd


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## Poon Chaser (Aug 22, 2006)

hotter than a jar of red ants


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## Third Wave (May 24, 2004)

Well, shoot a monkey!

Had a waitress in Smithville say that in the same manner one would say, "Well, I'll be..."

Asked her what she was talking about and she said...it's just a figure of speech. So there.


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## oneneo3 (Feb 7, 2008)

A few I can recall right off...

He's as useless as tits on boar hog!

That aint worth two bits... or a plug nickle.

How ya feeling? Oh fair to midland.

A fartin horse never tires.


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## oneneo3 (Feb 7, 2008)

I just thought of another one. 
My grandfather shouted at me right before I got kicked.

HEY BOY, GET OUT FROM BEHIND THAT BULL!! :spineyes:


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## Fish-a-mon (May 21, 2004)

Grandfather: You don't have sense enough to pour shiot out of a boot

It hotter than two rats screwing in a wool sock

You make my butt want to take a dip of snuff

been a month of sundays

it over yonder

or a spit and holler away

futher than a country mile


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## Htown (Mar 28, 2007)

Im so poor, I cant pay attention
When moby dick was a minnow
So ugly that she has to sneak up on a mirror
What in the world?
thinking is not your strong point, so you shouldnt do so much of it
Here's a quarter ,also, do I look like i give a ****?
In a ****'s age
You better skedaddle, or move your a##


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## matagordaman (Jun 1, 2004)

*sayings*

Companies com'n..my nose itches

Slicker than a minnows dick


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## Roger (Aug 12, 2005)

"Well, don't that just blow your dress up"


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## sabiki (Aug 21, 2005)

she is ugly enough to knock a buzzard off a gutwagon!


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## jfc21 (Jun 19, 2006)

Go right ahead. 
It won't do no hurt.


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## Galveston Yankee (May 24, 2004)

If I did something that should have hurt and told my mom that it didn't hurt, she would say "Well, no sense, no feeling"

A guy I worked with back in the 1970s would say things were "moving like a herd of turtles" when something was taking too long to get done.

Never argue with a drunk or a fool, onlookers might not know the difference


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## RodSmith (Jun 6, 2009)

He/she is one card short of a full deck
Does a cookie crumble?
Is a pig's a## pork:
Ignorance can be cured, stupid is forever
He/she is stronger than horse radish
She has got a chest like a back
If you can love a poor girl, you can worship a rich one


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## seabo (Jun 29, 2006)

mean'r than a wasp stung **** ant.


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## seaaggie_99 (Jun 26, 2009)

"If it ain't broke, Don't fix it!"
"Grandma was slow, but then she was old. What's your excuse?"
"If I was doin' any better I wouldn't be able to stand myself!"

And one an old Marine Corps Gunny used to tell me all the time:

"It's a great day! No one's shootin' at me, I still have my Stripes, and Raquel Welch still wants to f**k me she just hasn't met me yet!"


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