A USMC sniper was real good at his job, and he had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG - one less insurgent! After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"
However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go, sir."
"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?"
"Well, sir, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a *****!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"
The Five Most Dangerous Things in the Army
1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."
Fighter Pilot Jokes:
Q. How do you know your date with the fighter pilot is half over? A. He says "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Real Army Leaders:
Can cuss for a full ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
Can remember when there were real NCOs.
Know why there is a bayonet lug on the end of their weapon.
Can chew tobacco, take a drink, call in a SITREP and an air strike, and keep their weapon at the ready all at the same time.
Have eyes in the backs of their heads.
Can see in the dark.
Would rather be a squad leader than a general.
Have dreams about leading a parachute assault on Baghdad.
Still don't trust the Russians.
Still hate the French.
Will take vacation time just to make a pilgrimage to Ft. Benning for Ranger Rendezvous.
Know who Iron Mike is.
Don't give a **** about being politically correct.
Don't know how to be politically correct.
Love deploying to combat because there's less paperwork.
Know that "Cav" is an abnormal condition that can be cured with testosterone shots.
Can remember the "daily dozen".
Can remember running PT in boots.
Have enough "fruit salad" on their greens to be Mexican field marshals.
Think it's cool to teach their kids how to do "SPORTS".
Do not fear women in the military.
Would actually like to date GI Jane.
Know what a short-arm inspection is.
Think that Bradley crewmen are emasculated infantrymen.
Call Strykers "Hot Wheels."
Know that tankers exist in order to allow the enemy to deplete its basic load of sabot ammunition.
Know where the "Green Ramp" is.
Can remember who their "Ranger Buddy" was.
Know that there's a difference between "giving orders" and "going through the orders process".
Think that "slides" involve ropes and snap links.
Don't like taking orders from a guy who couldn't get a DD214.
Still know how to PMCS a buffer.
Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
Know that most of life's problems can be solved by applying the eight steady hold factors.
Believe that "Nuts" wasn't exactly all that BG McAuliffe said to the Krauts at Bastogne.
Know the true meaning of the word Hooah.
Want both "Cross of Iron" and "Saving Private Ryan" to be training films.
Don't know how to use a "stress card".
Idolize John Wayne.
Know why you should carry two field dressings on your LBE.
Would rather have a "mad minute" than a "VTC".
Shudder when they hear "Garry Owen".
Know that the vertical buttstroke is not a sexual position.
Don't believe that "AAFES" needs a "commander".
Don't need "leadership tabs" to know when they're in charge.
Don't have to "do a Lewinski" to get a "one block".
Don't give a **** if they get a "one block".
Won't brief it if it's too complicated to fit on a few 3x5 cards.
Believe troops don't really want the "Single Soldier Initiative".
Really don't like taking **** from those who haven't "been there".
Believe that "RHIP" was invented by individuals who couldn't lead their way out of a field latrine.
Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
Can set the headspace and timing on a "fifty" by touch alone.
Know how to do a "daisy chain".
Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their asses kicked, twice.
Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably still don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4.
Know that the new OER system is as screwed up as the old one.
Think that the neutron bomb would be appropriate for the GWoT scenario.
Realize that Reagan won the Gulf War.
Don't believe a **** thing the Iraqis say.
Want to be like Teddy Roosevelt.
Love the smell of napalm in the morning.
Know that "napalm" is really called "incendi-gel".
Don't need a GPS to find themselves.
Think of Army aviators as guys who wear pajamas to work.
Know that it really is possible to crawl inside a Kevlar when someone's shooting at you.
Have enough extra TA-50 in their closets to start a surplus store.
Would love to own their own HMMWV.
Think that MREs taste good.
Would like to see what kind of creature "ham and chicken loaf" comes from.
Realize that there were no starving people in Somalia.
Can remember open bay barracks.
Believe that "combat power on the objective" is a bunch of ****.
Believe that killing the enemy isn't.
Know that "accuracy counts", especially in combat.
Know the Ranger Creed by heart.
Still have jungle fatigues in their closets.
Never count on the artillery in a clutch.
Believe that terrorists can be taken care of for 32 cents each (the cost of a 9mm round).
Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.
Are convinced that "wall-to-wall counseling" really works.
Would love to go to sniper school.
Have more time on a static line than most other soldiers have in the chow line.
Know what a "link count" is.
Realize that volleyball is the most important subject taught at Bell Hall.
Know that it's not real coffee if you can't stand a track jack up in it.
Don't need a "MCOO" to know where the enemy will come from.
Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M4.
Know that shitty leaders will always say they have shitty soldiers.