Miscellaneous Humor - G & PG Jokes about anything

[waterspout]

Got this from another board and thought it was funny.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife. "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started."

[bluefisher]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder, he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the old man...."But it's starting to twitch."

[-JAW-]

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.

Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-b**ch," he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-b**ch", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset,something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me!'".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped.

He started to say "So...", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me!" At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-b**ch!"

[Solid Action]

Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots a little boy
sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks, "this is a great press
opportunity" so she has her driver pull over.
She gets out to talk to the little boy and discovers that he has 6 little
puppies in the wagon. She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says Thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!"
Of course Hillary is extremely pleased by this.
A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down to McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions that if he should see a little boy with a wagon he should stop and talk to him.
Well, Bill sees the little boy with his wagon and puppies so he tells the
little boy, "what nice puppies those are!"
The boy says, "Thank you sir. They're Republicans!"
Wait a minute," says Bill, "You told Hillary that they were Democrats."
The boy responds, "Yes sir, they were, but now their eyes are open!"

[-JAW-]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

[-JAW-]

Kinko's Copying Error Erases Eighth Amendment

A power surge in Washington, D.C. caused equipment failure at a copy center which irreparably damaged part of the United States Constitution, according to a press release by the Library of Congress.

"Like many government agencies, we have been trying to make do with tighter budgets," said James Billington, Librarian of Congress. "Part of these cost-saving efforts involved the use of private contractors to handle some of the routine photocopying work. Unfortunately, in this instance the decision to use an outside contractor proved costly."

The Library of Congress, it was revealed, has been clandestinely using Kinko's Copy Center to handle much of its document reproduction and preservation.

"They're open 24 hours a day," lamented Billington, "and their prices were oh so reasonable."

Apparently, earlier this year the Library sent the original U.S. Constitution to Kinko's for cleaning and photocopying. While the document was being copied, a power surge caused the photocopier feed to lock, resulting in damage to the Constitution. The damage caused the eighth amendment to be completely destroyed.

"Have you ever seen the gears inside a copier? They're pretty sharp," said Kinko's spokesperson Gary Klein. "We're lucky we got the original out at all."

The loss is particularly problematic because there are no other records of the eighth amendment, and apparently no one in Washington remembers what it was about.

"Well most people don't look much past the first and second amendments," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "Personally I think if it was important, the Founding Fathers should have included it in the Constitution proper instead of as something tacked on the end. Besides, whatever the eighth amendment was about is probably no longer relevant - it's two hundred years old. I bet it was something about whisky tax or something."

The Library of Congress initially tried to quietly create a facsimile of the Constitution and restore the missing amendment, but quickly discovered that American textbooks on history and government have not included complete copies of the Constitution since 1962.

"Who reads all that stuff anyway?" said Chris Goodstein, professor of public policy at the University of Virginia. "Lawyers? Politicians? Please. Today's government officials are too important to worry about hacking their way through centuries-old legalese."

President Bush expressed hope that the loss of the eighth amendment would leave an opening for a new one in its place.

"No sense renumbering all the later amendments," he said during a press conference. "We can just stick something in there about America being a Christian nation, or make English the official language or something. I really think that this accidental loss will actually help America change in ways never thought possible."

[Snagged]

MUST READ TO THE END........



Every day there are news reports about more deaths.

Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force,
but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Many of our children go there and never come back.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy
leadership.

Many of their people are uncivilized.

Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, from which
we are supposed to bail them out.

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do
not understand.

Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to
ordinary Americans.

We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost
billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford.

It is becoming clear...

WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!

[Snagged]

Cowboy Boots



There was an Oklahoma teacher who was helping
one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy
boots. He asked for help and she could see why.


Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second
boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure
enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to
keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots
back on - this time on the right feet. He then
announced, "These aren't my boots."


She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face
and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted
to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're
my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But,
she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again.


Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are
your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of
my boots."

Her trial starts next month

[Snagged]

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad!."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

"We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.

"We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

"Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon!

"We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

"We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

"We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

"We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless!

Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

[bluefisher]

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."


=== The Mood Ring ===

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

=== The Water Pistol ===

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for thenearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

=== Half Price ===

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

=== Life After Death ===

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

[bluefisher]

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in
> > journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to
> > write a human interest story.
> >
> > Being from Arkansas, he decided to go into the back country to do his
> > research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills,
> > introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he
> > was there.
> >
> > The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made
> > you happy?"
> >
> > The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my
> > neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all
> > had our way with it and took it back home."
> >
> > "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
> > anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people
> > happy?"
> >
> > After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's
> > wife, a good looking woman, got lost. We formed a big posse that time
> > and found her. After we all had our way with her, we took her back home."
> >
> > Again, the young man said, "I can't print that either. OK then, how
> > about this? Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
> >
> > The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed. After a few
> > seconds, he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost
> > once."

[Brew]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"




He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[SAK]

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him *** over tea-cups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me!"
One Nation Under God

[SAK]

It's a wife's job to listen to her husband.

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife.

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her; she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie.

I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

[Galveston Yankee]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo

(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.



"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."



"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 105.

"So bust him," said the Chief

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver."

[-JAW-]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw
it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is
in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When
we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in
turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great
loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in
his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've
just quit drinking."

[allicat]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the
house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home
after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."


Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants
off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover = $100.00.
Broken furniture = $200.00.
Breakfast = $10.00.
Saying the right thing = priceless.

[bill]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy, as several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew just what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here, quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"

When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

Then they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now, let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!

[Snagged]

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is! better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright



"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke



"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin



"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry



BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000

[Billy]

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.



His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier."

[gundoctor]

The crumbling old church building needed some repairs, so one Sunday morning the Pastor made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town.
At the end of the message the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000 to the remodeling project. Just then some plaster fell from the ceiling, striking the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood up again shouting, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down more plaster fell on him and he boldly proclaimed, "Pastor I will double my last pledge!" He then sat down and you guessed it, a yet even larger piece of plaster fell hitting him on the head. This time he stood up saying, "Pastor! I will give $20,000!" One of the deacons then stood up shouting, "Hit him again Lord! Hit him again!"

[MEGABITE]

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

* The stamp was in perfect order.
* There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive
* People were spitting on the wrong side

:D

[Brewgod]

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[Galveston Yankee]

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about
the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into
tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the ‘There's no
Santa’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There's no Easter
Bunny' speech." When I was eight, you hit me with the
‘There's no tooth fairy’ speech."

"If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really

get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[JettyJumper]

These three men, one mexican, one a chineese and one a german, were sittin' at the bar talkin and drinkin when thr chineese dude 'rang'. he said it was a chip he had surcicaly implanted in his wrist to be a phone. so talked a few minutes and then turned to the german to talk. while they was talkin the german 'beeped', he said it was a surgicaly implanted chip that he could recive pages thru. well not to be out did the mexican 'farted', then went to thee restroom. afew minutes later he came ack with some toilet paper hangin out the seat of his pants. he said he had a natrualy implanted chip that he could receive faxes on.

[-JAW-]

Actual radio transcript released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Station #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Station #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

Station #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Station #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Station #1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! Station #2. This is the Puget Sound lighthouse. It's your call.

[BertS]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.

My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in

Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have

recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are

financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in

Dallas.

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence

at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother

is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three

children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in

Longview. She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiance' and look

forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally

open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports John Kerry for President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

[-JAW-]

Four men were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog could do math. His dog was named T-square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle,
which the dog did with no sweat.

The second man was an Accountant and said he thought his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule was told to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into piles of three, which Slide Rule did with no problem.

The third man, a Chemist said that was good but felt his dog was better. His dog, named Measure, was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces of it into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no promblem at all. All three men agreed that this was very good and their dogs were equally smart.
Then they turned to the fourth man, a local government worker, and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called his dog, who was named Coffee Break, and said, "Show the fellows what you can do."

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, mounted the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while
doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workman's compensation, and left for home on sick leave.

[podnuh]

There were 3 engineers driving down the road and suddenly, the car's engine dies.

One of the engineers, a chemical engineer suggested that they check the fuel system to determine if the correct fuel/air mixture is present.

Another of the engineers, an electrical engineer suggested that they pull a spark plug and crank the engine and see if the plugs are getting a spark.

The third engineer, a software engineer from Microsoft suggested that they all get out of the car, walk around, get back in and try again.

[Bobby]

Be Careful Who is Watching

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At
the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they
checked her meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck,
they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right
behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

"When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman,
"I figured I'd better run too!"

[Snagged]

The Show Off Pilots
An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.



The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines."

[Chuck]

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect. I was
on Brice Street- a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow
traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from
under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a
squirrel and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car.
I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or
avoid it - it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate
it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger
to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never
fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on
his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his
little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he
screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you
gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of
spectacular...as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he
brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing,
and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed
only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of
a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a
t-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet
residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And
losing ...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed
to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the
left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the
throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the
pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have
headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH ! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the
throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely
distracting activities.

He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not
improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could
not reach him.

I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw,
only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking
back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one
result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very,
very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I
screamed in..... well... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and
roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential
street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden
acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and
try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his
own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree,
house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the
throttle....my brain was just simply overloaded.

I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the
massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that
I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he
is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my
neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed
partway, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed
intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.

The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting
at the moment) so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly-torn
t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still
on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly
closed full-face helmet.

By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the
upper hand... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my
helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it
worked... sort-of Spectacularly sort-of... so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop.
You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and
parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping
in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80
mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his
strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle
under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used
maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop
sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get
my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the
cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the
moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were
flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a
crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The
cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was
aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I
could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from
the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window,
shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger... That is one
dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol
car... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn
off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was
best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-Aids. And some new underwear. I just love riding my bike!


Chuck

[Galveston Yankee]

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability

[Galveston Yankee]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."



The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

[Copzilla]

News Anchor Dan Rather, Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a US Marine were hiking through the desert one day when Iraqis captured them. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the *****," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the *****," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the *****. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M16, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the *****?"

"What?" said the Marine, "And have you leftwing spinmeisters call ME the aggressor??"

[Snagged]

Those of us old enough to remember Abbott and Costello or have ever seen

their "Who's on First" routine should appreciate this.

A new take on Abbott and Costello. Costello wants to buy a Computer from

Abbott.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking

about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say,

I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

[ComeFrom?]

I received this warning about the use of this politically incorrect term. Please try to pay attention to your language!

"Towel Heads"

We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists do not like to be called
"Towel Heads." The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet.


Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "little sheet heads."

Thank you for your support

[-JAW-]

A very short bald, just turned 60 year old man in Texas, wj! who shall remain nameless, went to the doctor because his private parts ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left one and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmmm..." mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the other one. He asked wj! to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The little old bald guy wj! was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the sexagenarian wj! to hop down off the table and pull his pants up. To walk around and see if his private parts still ached. The 60 year old little guy wj! was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his private parts were no longer aching.

The little old bald guy wj! said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?"

The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

Just funnin' Mr wj!

[Galveston Yankee]

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil is masculine - "le crayon."



A student asked, "What gender is 'computer.'?

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be masculine or a feminine noun.



Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:



1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;



3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;



2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem; and



4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[Snagged]

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each
other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard
deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the
many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man
liked the fact he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old fart dig. I had him
buried upside down

[Snagged]

REPUTATION

Dear Abby:


I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.


I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.


I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl." All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.


Should I tell her about my cousin who supports John Kerry for President?

[-JAW-]

This archive is for G and PG rated humor on any subject not covered in another sticky. Jokes posted on the main forum will be archived after 30 days.

Please do not post any pictures or active links in this thread.

[Bobby]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

Self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless

[Billy]

Two married buddies were out drinking when one turns to the other and says, "You know, every time I come home late I turn the headlights off before I get to the house, I shut the engine off and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go in the house, I sneak upstairs and get undressed in the bathroom, I then put my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent any splashing sounds, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for being out late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "You're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screach into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ***** and shout, "WHO'S HORNY"....
and she acts like she's fast asleep every time."

[Galveston Yankee]

FINALLY, SOMEONE EXPLAINED IT SO THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND IT!



There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer...... Nobody bothered to check the oil.




We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.




All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

[Snagged]

BILL AND HILLARY

Bill and Hillary Clinton were seated on the front row during Ronald

Reagan's funeral when television cameras caught them nodding off to

sleep during one of the eulogies. No one could believe it. It's been

years since they slept together.

[Snagged]

OLD GUYS ENLIST!


If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.





You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:





Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.





Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"





An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed
126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.





An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to BR.





If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.





Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.





They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."





And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.





An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.





Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old men with attitudes.

[hooknbullet]

A chicken & an egg were lying in bed. The chicken, looking very satisfied, lights a cigarette & smiles. The egg, looking somewhat upset, gabs the sheet, rolls over, & says, "Hmph...Well, I guess we've answered THAT question."

[-JAW-]

On the last day of his Baffin Bay trip, the priest hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The TTMB guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a *****!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a ***** fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a *****!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a ***** I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a *****. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a *****!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.


While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a ***** I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a ***** fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a *****?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a *****."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a ***** for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a *****", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a ***** for the new Bishops' dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no! , no, it's called a Son of a ***** fish".

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it and that Son of a ***** can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a *****. "

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.

The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a *****!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a *****!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a *****, using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You m*ther ****ers are my kind of people."

[Snagged]

Basic Baptist Bathroom



A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group.

She wrote to a campground for reservations.

She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode."

Once written down she still was not comfortable.

Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have its own B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C."

He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church.

So he sent this reply . . .



Dear Madam:

The B.C. is located nine miles from the camp ground in a beautiful grove of trees.

I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly.

No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week.

Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it.

The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages.

It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there.

We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them.

Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly.

It's been a good six months since she last went.

It pains her very much not to be able to go more often.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather.

Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there.

I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.

[SAK]

Subject: Ya Gotta Love Those Texas Women

Well, I think we're great anyway !!

Texas Women

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at bar in Ohio. One
man was from Texas, one from Florida and one from Wisconsin They

got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their

wives.

The guy from Wisconsin began by saying "I told my wife clearly

that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well,

the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing,

but on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set,

and wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."



Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down and told

her that from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping

and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I

saw nothing. But the third day, when I came home, the whole house

was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."


The fellow from Texas was married to a woman who had grown up in
Texas all her life He sat up straight on the barstool, pushed out

his chest and said. "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now

on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning. Well, the
first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But by the third day, I

could see a little bit out of my left eye.

Ya Gotta Love those Texas Women!

[Spots and Dots]

There was this fellow who worked for US Postal Service whose job it was to

process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought,

"Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and

read:

"Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone

stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my

next pension check. Next week is Thanksgiving, and I had invited two of my

friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I

have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the

others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the

time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an

envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm

glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Thanksgiving came and went, and

a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers

gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever

thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was

able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told

my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I

think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

Mary Ethel

[Galveston Yankee]

A young college student was supposed to write a short story in as few
words as possible for her college class. The instructions were that it
had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one
in class who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

[-JAW-]

This is purportedly a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused......then asked the class: " And what do you think the man said?"

After a short seat squirming pause one little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly,
"I think the man would have said: "Well, f*** me! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes.

[-JAW-]

An old one coming around again.

The Headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit for a new life!"

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 D."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.!

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 38."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old!"

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

[Blue Water Ho]

Ithoght it was good.............................later,Dave A new young MD doing residency in o.b. was embarrassed performing female exams and had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment. The young lady upon whom he was performing the exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled ''just what is so funny madam?'' She replied, ''I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener'!''

[JettyJumper]

why did the cowboy buy a weenie dog?

.................................................. ............




...................guess.......................... .............

.................................................. ..............





/////////////////////////////////////////////////////






/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

..................figure it out yet?............................










....................now?.......................... ..........................







...............give up?/////////////////////////////////////////////




.................................................. ............................






.................................................. ..................................




some one told him to get a long little doogie......


.................................................. ...........JJ

[speckle-catcher]

Three cowboys, one from Colorado, one from Montana and one from Texas were sitting around a campfire discussing who was the toughest.

The Colorado cowboy says: "just the othe day I was riding the trail and came across this 8 foot rattler. Well he didn't scare me none. I just picked him up, tied him in a knot, drank the poison and then skinned him and ate him for supper."

The Montana cowboy says: "well, the other day I was at the rodeo and I was ridin' this big mean 'ol bull. He threw me up gored me and then stomped me in the chest. I just hopped right back up and rode that bull for the whole 8 seconds.

The Texas cowboy just smiles and continued stirring the coals of the fire with his penis.

[Snagged]

Now here's a good excuse to drink if I ever saw one!

New Virus :)

There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK"

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from

anyone else - do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes

out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends

and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you

will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.



Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already

infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this

is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make least five friends. Then

retry.

I think I have five friends but am not entirely positive.......so I'm headed

for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe

[-JAW-]

Mont's son, Zach, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.

"Dad and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant wahoo. Really, really big! Then, while he was fighting it, I got the line tangled in the net and it busted, and the fish got away."

"Now come on, Zach," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."

"But mom, that's just what I did!"

[mudd_catt]

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go
To war, and the three most powerful men in America are named, “Bush”, “D@#K and “Colon”.

[CHunter]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free

speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to

listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I ' m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes

dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The

house we wanted last year is

back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an

offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker

room look at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[dixierider]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of
first-graders
using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same
kind of
lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and
flavor. The children began to say:
"Red.................. cherry,"
"Yellow.............. lemon,"
"Green............... lime,"
"Orange............. orange."
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them
for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,
"They're **********, everybody, spit them out!"

[Catn' Around]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "Everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.


The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.

"Then I sold him a medium fish hook.

"Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

"Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

"Then I asked him where he was going fishing" and he said, "Down at the coast." So I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

[Snagged]

An Engineer Dies and Reports to He77...

An engineer dies and reports to he77. Pretty soon, the engineer
becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So,
how's it going down there in he77?" Satan replies: "Hey, things are
going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he
should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where
are you going to get a lawyer?"

[Catn' Around]

T.G.I.F. vs. S.H.I.T

A businessman got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him
With a bright,"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly,

He again answered,"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her
biggest smile and said as
sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I-F' means
'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,"'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[Snagged]

Problem: Problem: Which Video to Buy? The Titanic Video or the Clinton Video?

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a ******** artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... ooh, let's not go there, either.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.

[-JAW-]

Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoos, and pierced nose.
I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not
have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. But after all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.




P.S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery

[ComeFrom?]

OMELETTE

Let's use it in a sentence...

"I should pop yo ***** fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

[fletch2000]

GoodPoint

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After
two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was
doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or
wine?" "Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red
meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock
climbing?" "No I don't", I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually
fool around?"
"No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care
if you live to be 80?" :dance: :dance:

[ComeFrom?]

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," he barked at her. The shocked genie said "Please sir, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to the bottle forever."Osama thought a moment.

Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American womenin my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His "member" was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good. :rotfl:

[-JAW-]

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled
down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Pam."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it in the bedroom."

She says, "Don't believe Jack, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Pam and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here. .

[Snagged]

Question:

If we are flying the flag at half staff for 30 days for Pres. Reagan.
Will we have to wear our pants around our knees for 30 days when Clinton dies???

[-JAW-]

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside of a monastery. A monk came out and invited the man inside to have dinner and to spend the night. The stranded motorist gladly accepted the monk's offer.


That evening the man had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef.


Entering the kitchen, the man asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?"



"No," the chef replied, "I'm the chip monk."

[Snagged]

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked
to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

[-JAW-]

Standing at the edge of the bay, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A nearby fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. With powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[Galveston Yankee]

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[Castaway Kay]

3 men at the gates of heaven


Saint Peter is interviewing three guys. Unfortunately there isnt any space for all three of them to enter the gates of heaven. So Saint Peter tells the three men that the one who tells the best story of how they died, would be the one allowed into heaven. So Saint Peter takes them in one by one into a private room to hear their stories one by one, away from the others so they wont steal any ideas.

He sends the first guy in.

The first guy: ''I had a feeling that my wife was cheatin on me while I was at work. So one day i decided to come home early. I walk in and find my wife naked by herself. So i start searching the whole apartment for her lover and accuse her of cheating, but shes insisting that she was only doing aerobics naked. After a few minutes of looking and not finding anyone there, I apologize. And then I heard something out the window. I go to the window and see man hanging off the ledge of my window. I start screaming at the man and then he falls off, so i run and put a storage trunk on the ledge to throw down at him, when i lost my balance and it fell off the ledge and pulling me down with it and died''

Saint Peter is amazed. He sends the guy away and sends the next guy in.

The second guy: ''I am a window washer. I was asigned to wash the windows of an apartment complex when my harnest broke and I was falling. Luckily I managed to grab a hold of a ledge but then lost my grip when some man was yelling at me. But I was lucky enough to fall into a dumpster, after catching my breath and thanking God, I look up n I see that theres a storage trunk headin right towards me. Lights out.

Saint Peter is trully amazed. Sends the next guy in and tells him that his story needs to be really good because the last two were trully amazing.

The third guy: '' I was hiding inside a storage trunk.'' :rotfl:




Kay:cool:

[Snagged]

A Letter from Camp

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps.

It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed.

It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.

Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Christopher

[Barnacle Bill]

A housewife takes a daytime lover while her husband is at work. One day he comes home early and her lover jumps up and hides in the closet. As he sits there in the dark he hears a kid say "Sure is dark in here"... The lover replies "Yep". The kid says "You wanna buy my baseball". The lover asks "How much"? The kid says "$250.00 mister".
"Hell no. I'm not buying your baseball for that much."
"You know that's my father out there."
"Fine. I'll buy it."

A couple of weeks go by and the husband comes home early again so the lover hides in the closet once again and hears...
"Sure is dark in here."
"Yep."
"You wanna buy my baseball glove?"
"How much?"
"$750.00"
"Fine."

A few more days go by and the family is sitting at the dinner table one night and the father asks his son if he wants to go play catch. The son explains that he sold his baseball glove and baseball for $1000.00. The father gets upset and tells his son that he should not take advantage of people and he'll have to beg for forgiveness. The father takes his son to the catholic church and explains to the priest what happened and why his son is in trouble. The priest goes into the confession booth and hears.....

"Sure is dark in here."

"Don't start that sh@t again kid."

[3rd Coast Fish-n-Crew]

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years"



The cow said, "That's a pretty tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."



And God agreed.



On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."



The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."



So God agreed.



On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."



Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. The dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"



And God agreed again (sigh).



On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."



Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty.



"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."



And that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.



Life has now been explained...

[Cat O' Lies]

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost
his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to
make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says
the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on
the
other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and
bends over in front of the agent. "By golly, you're right!" exclaims the
agent. "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"
The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle."

[Angler2407]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and

explore
> >the city on his own.
> >
> >He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a
> >quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a
> >pint of Guinness.
> >
> >After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood....
> >big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and
worst
> >of all.... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
> >
> >He really, has to go, after all that Guinness. He finds a narrow side
> >street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides
> >to use the wall to solve his problem.
> >
> >As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie,
who
> >says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
> >
> >"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
> >HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
> >
> >"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie.."Just follow me". He leads him to a back
> >"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
> >
> >"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,... anywhere you want."
> >
> >The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
> >ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured
> >hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
> >
> >Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and
> >is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the
> >Bobbie "That was really decent of you ... is that "British Hospitality
> >?"
> >
> >No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is
the
> >French Embassy."
> >
> >Cheers

[Snagged]

HOW THINGS GET DONE IN CHICAGO

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Kentucky, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went.

First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900.... $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Kentucky contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700.... $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the Chicago contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, "$2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," says the contractor from Chicago, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Kentucky

[-JAW-]

"Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United
States will be outsourced to overseas as of June 30th, the end of this
fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a
record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.

"The cost savings will be quite significant," says Congressman Adam
Smith (D Wash) who, with the aid of Congress research arm, the General
Accounting Office has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively.
"We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain
competitive in the world stage." Congressman Smith said.

Exporting American jobs has been a popular trend lately, ironically
at the urging of President Bush.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his
position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until
his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period,
he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment
insurance for 13 weeks.

Unfortunately, he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health
insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required
limit.

"I'm in shock," Mr. Bush stated. "I thought fer sure I’d have some job
security around this here place. I have no idea what I'll do now." he
further lamented.

Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming
the Office of President of the United States as of July 1. Mr. Singh
was born in the United States while his parents were here on student
visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of
$320 USD a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be
working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open.

"I am excited to serve in this position." Mr. Singh stated in an
exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at
the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President
someday."

Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be
fully aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional
Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow
which will allow him to respond to most topics of concern.

The Spokesperson further noted "additional savings will be realized as these
scripting tools have already been used previously by Mr. Bush here in the
US. Such scripts will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer without having
to fully understand the issue itself."

Mr. Bush has been offered the use of a Congressional Page to help him
write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According
to Manpower, Inc., the placement firm, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in
securing a new position as job prospects in the Sports Franchise
Ownership arena remain quite limited with few openings each year.

In addition, the Air National Guard has a "Not eligible for re-hire"
flag on his personnel file due to attendance issues.

A recently released report from the Pentagon suggests a good
prospect for him as a newly unemployed person may be in the
Army National Guard. There he would be called up with his unit
and stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited briefly before."

[rangatang]

Roy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home,

walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice Anything

different about me?"

Bessie looks him over "Nope."

Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and

walks back into the room completely naked, except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything

different now ?"

Bessie looks up and says, "No Roy, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be

hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Roy yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING

DOWN,BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S

LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Roy. Shoulda

bought a hat."

[-JAW-]

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping and fishing trip, when they came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be going away to college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook.

One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!"

The other replied, "No, it's not!"

The first man said, "Yes it is! I recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side."

To which the other man replied, "Don't be stupid! You can't tell a brook by its clover."

[Snagged]

Andy Rooney's Tips for Telemarketers

1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more
time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you
know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently
completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.


2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is
used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call
back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you
notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button
on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the
machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.
Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!


(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these
"ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail
away. When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away
the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes,
right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when
they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The
postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to
the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail
and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy
Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to
American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get
anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything
you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own
junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them
know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying
for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is
cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase
postage costs again. You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work---- I have been doing this
for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

[bill]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax—OH MY...!"

Then silence.

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[Neverenough]

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.



"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I''d rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I''d rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absoultion and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he recieved absolution. "Yes, and two very good leads!"

[Neverenough]

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"



Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. "Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

[Neverenough]

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."



Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on." "****," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

[Neverenough]

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.



She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the ******* with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.” Her friend promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”

[Neverenough]

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.



The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''

The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''

The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song. ''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''

[-JAW-]

A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.
She looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is speckled Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain Billytix rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed. Very confused, the teller explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a fish named Speckled Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Snagged]

Good News and Bad News

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.



It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.



"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."



Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you."



And with that, Sam passes on.



It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."



"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"



"Moe, it's Sam."



"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."



"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"



"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"



"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."



"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.



"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."



"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"



"You're pitching Tuesday"

[CHunter]

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American
sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I
need to get up and get
a coke.

"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for
you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat
in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good,
I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it.
When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This
fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in
shoes, and peeing in cokes .

[Snagged]

2004 Democrat Convention Schedule

Day One:

6:00 PM Opening flag burning ceremony

6:10 PM Opening secular remarks in lieu of prayer by Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton

6:20 PM Anti-war concert by Barbara Streisand

6:40 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

6:45 PM Seating of the delegates from Cuba and China

7:00 PM Tribute theme to France

7:10 PM Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund

7:25 PM Tribute Theme to Germany

7:35 PM Seminar on uses for aborted fetuses by Dr. Mengela

7:45 PM Anti-war rally moderated by Michael Moore

8:25 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:30 PM Terrorist appeasement workshop

9:00 PM Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female couples)

9:15 PM Tribute to the Iraqi insurgency by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins

9:30 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

9:40 PM Re-enactment of the famous medal toss by John Kerry

9:50 PM Cameo appearance by Howard Dean ("Yeeeeeearrrrg!")

10:00 PM Live abortion demonstration by NARAL

10:30 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

10:40 PM Pledge of allegiance to the UN

10:45 PM Multiple gay marriage ceremony (threesomes, trans-gendered and same sex)

11:00 PM Keynote address - Supporting our soldiers by voting against pay raises, supplies & weapons

11:25 PM Maximizing welfare workshop

11:45 PM Free Saddam rally

12:15 AM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:25 AM Acceptance Speech by John Kerry

1:30 AM Hillary accepts a ride home from Ted Kennedy

[Snagged]

Bobbitt Update

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.


She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with .






(scroll down)









Misdewiener






OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

[bill]

Joan had a system for labeling leftover meals in the freezer . She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.

So now you'll see a whole new set of labels: "Whatever", "Anything", "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care", "Something Good", or "Food" .

No more frustration for Joan because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.

[-JAW-]

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when he happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. It had been hours since his last meal and he was feeling hunger pains, so he flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to "pig out".

He ate and ate....and then... he ate some more!!! Finally, he decided he'd had plenty, He washed his face with his tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas... he had eaten far too much and could not get off the ground.

Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation, he looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall... He'd found a solution!!

He realized if he could just climb up that handle and jump off to get airborne he'd be able to fly again.

So he painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, he took a deep breath, spread his tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

He dropped like a rock and splattered all over the ground.
Dead Fly.

What is the moral of this sad story?



"Never fly off the handle when you are full of CR*P!"

[sferg]

A drunk sat down next to a Preacher on a public
conveyance and started reading the paper. After numerous minutes he put the
paper down and asked the Preacher what caused arthritis. Not wanting to
miss an opportunity to turn someone's life around, the Preacher indicated it
was probably caused by sinful things like drinking too much amongst other
things. The drunk was quiet for several minutes and finally the Preacher
asked the drunk why he had ask such a question. The drunk picked up the
paper and said, "According to this it is what the Pope has."

[-JAW-]

Do you think fish brag about the size of the man they got away from?

:an2:

[Snagged]

BIG JOHN (KERRY)

Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive
Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five
Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine
And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine.
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John. )

Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul
His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll
Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes
It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes
Big John.

Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown
'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star
The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)

Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won
Then turned against his country and his Navy friends
And sold them out for his own selfish ends
(Big John)

He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows
Giving aid and comfort to America's foes
It was clear to see whose side he was on
Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon
Big John. (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John).

He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore
He never had to work a day in his life
'Cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife!
Big John

Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die
To give him the freedom to tell us his lies
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)

Thousands have sacrificed their young lives
To help ensure that our nation survives
A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face
To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)

[Galveston Yankee]

Do you think the size of the man keeps getting bigger every time they tell the story?

[Bobby]

SWALLOWED BY THE COMPUTER

The computer's swallowed Grandma,
Yes honestly, its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It's devoured her completely --
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe she's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the internet
But nothing did I find.

In desperation I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative;
Not a thing was found online.

So, if inside your 'InBox'
My Grandma you should see
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' her
In an e-mail back to me.

[Galveston Yankee]

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
__________________________________________________ ______________

[Snagged]

Cop under fire


If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop was.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?


A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's best comeback line and we think he'll win.

[Shaky]

Physicians:

a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health &Human Services)



Now think about this:



Guns:

a. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is

1,500.

c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.



Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.


Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do.


FACT:

NOT EVERY ONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A LEAST ONE DOCTOR.



Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!


(Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.)

[bill]

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noise
that comes from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and
rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are
no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog

[Catn' Around]

Big, Bad John

Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive
Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five
Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine
And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John

Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul
His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll
'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes
It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes -
Big John.

Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown
'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star
The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John

Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won
Then turned against his country and his Navy friends
And sold them out for his own selfish ends
(Big John)

He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows
Giving aid and comfort to America's foes
It was clear to see whose side he was on
Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John

He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore
He never had to work a day in his life
'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! -
Big John

Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die
To give him the freedom to tell us his lies
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John

Thousands have sacrificed their young lives
To help ensure that our nation survives
A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face
To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced

FADE (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John

[CHunter]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly

this

morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist, and

demand

an apology. Before he could say more then a word or two, the druggist

said,

"Now just a minute! Listen to my side of it ......... This morning

the

alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without

breakfast

and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the

house

and

car keys were inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then,

driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was

about

three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to

the

store there were a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got

the

store opened, and started waiting on these people. All the time the

darn

phone was ringing off the hook. I had to break open a roll of nickels

against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all

over

the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels.

The

phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open

cash

drawer. That made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of

perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile,

the phone is still ringing with no let up. When I finally got to

answer it,

it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a RECTAL thermometer.

And

believe me Mister, as God is my witness........all I did was tell

her!"

[BertS]

after reading about the wedding .....this story reminded me of someone.....



A good-ol'-boy sporting a nipple ring, and wearing a pink thong, staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!" Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly.... ....It's all those band aids stuck all over the downstairs mirror!"


hey bud, it could have happened to any of us guys.......well at least the ones that would wear a thong......lolol jk

[Galveston Yankee]

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did, too, they were laughing so hard!

[-JAW-]

Flatsfats of Alvin, Texas was going up to bed when his wife told him that from the bedroom window she'd seen someone sneaking around the yard. Flats took one look and then he phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

and he said "No." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his doors and windows and an officer would be along when available.

Flatsfats said, "Okay." hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there was someone in my yard. Well, you don't have to worry about him now 'cause I've just shot him and his dam* dog dead!" Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Flatsfat residence. Of course, the police caught the peeping pervert red handed.

One of the Policemen said to Flats: "I thought you said that you'd shot him?"

Flatsfats replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Snagged]

Foods



A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[bill]

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then... A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, pulled a can of beer out of his backpack, and poured it into the jar. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. "No matter how full your life is," the student quipped, "there's always room for beer!"

[WilliamH]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!) !


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home!!!...... maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head! off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea c an jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)


The catfish has over 27,00! 0 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) !


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)





Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)





A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)





An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn t! o spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone

[Brewgod]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said

"Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[Snagged]

The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow

your house down." And he did!!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said," I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were really scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes later a big, black Caddy pulled up.

Out stepped two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats.

These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living s*#t out of him. Then one of the big pigs pulled out a gun, stuck it in the wolf's mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the he!! were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins....the Guinea Pigs."

[-JAW-]

A few years back, Mont and Zach went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, Zach suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his dad, "How does this boat float?

Mont replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later, Zach looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again Mont replied, "Don't rightly know son."
A little later the boy asked Mont, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, his father repied. "Don't rightly know son."

Finally, Zach asked Mont, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

To which Mont replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

[timbo]

Bill and Hillary

During the previous administration Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees Game; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to Bill. First Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.
The agent then said, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous request from the owner of the team down to the bat boy."
What really gets Bill going is when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
So Bill just shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that is what the people want."
Then Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"
Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.... The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the FIRST PITCH!"

[Galveston Yankee]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal, evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own so does she.

(Of course . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-)
WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

BEAST

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

[Snagged]

The Late Preacher

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

[Snagged]

Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. You are the Son of a Sultan -- what would you like?"

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. You bring joy to my days. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are everything a father could wish for, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want for your birthday, I shall gladly get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my heart and my life. You bring me life each day. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will be most happy to get it for you."

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

His father bought him the Democratic Party.

[Galveston Yankee]

God grant me...

The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do

And the eyesight to tell the difference."

[-JAW-]

One afternoon Bad Habit was speeding along the highway. He felt secure since the rest of the traffic was travelling at the same speed. Passing a speed trap, he was nailed by an infrared speed detector and subsequently pulled over. The officer, Miss Dixie, handed him the ticket and was starting to walk away when Darrell said, "Cuz, I may have been speeding, but this just doesn’t seem fair. There were lots of cars around me who were travelling just as fast. Why did 'I' get the ticket?"

Turning towards him, office Wendi asked, "You go fishing quite often don't you?"

"Uhhhh, yeah." Darrell replied.

Grinning, Miss Dixie continued, "Ever catch 'all' the fish?" :wink:

[-JAW-]

Badhabit and Walkin' Jack were fishing on a pier and sharing a brew or two. Darrell started telling the old story that the night before, casting with his beautiful BillystiX, he caught a redfish that was over 4 1/2 foot long! :birthday2

:walkingsm replied "Oh yea, well I was here two nights ago and I hooked something huge on my BillystiX. After a 45 minute fight I finally got it up and it was an old ship's lantern from 1943 and the thing was still lit!" :spineyes:


Badhabit said "You're lying! Jack, you can spin a yarn with the best of them, and I don't believe a word of your story." :frown:


:walkingsm paused, and then he said "I'll tell you what, you knock two feet off your redfish and I'll blow out my lantern." :rotfl:


:rybka:

[-JAW-]

There was a priest in Texas who loved to wade-fish. It was his only passion besides the church. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing, the weather was bad or it was a Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go.

Finally it was the last week before the holidays would begin. The weather was predicted to be bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was to clear and the wind to lay down. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest, claiming to be very sick, and asked if he could take over his parish duties for that Sunday.

The wade-fishing priest then drove over 200 miles to Baffin Bay, not wishing to see anyone he knew, and wanting to try a hot area he had read about on TTMB.

An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You’re not going to let him get away with this are you?"

God agreed he should do something to punish the priest for neglecting his holy vows and his clerical duties.

So when the priest said a prayer and crossed himself before he made his first cast just as the sun was rising, it was perfect. The topwater gurgled loudly in the silent splendor of the gorgeous Texas dawn as it twitched past a bar and a huge gaping mouth gulped the bone Spook down with a giant sucking sound!

For two hours and 45 minutes, as the sun cleared the sky of clouds on God's perfect Texas Sunday morning, the priest moved back and forth fighting the mighty fish. At the end the old girl finally came to hand and he held a 50 inch world record speckled trout!

Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing? Do you call that punishment?"

God replied, "Think about it. Who can he tell?"

[Dabo]

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, " Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed
to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action,
then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for
your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to
me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always
twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You're not going to be able to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in
your thigh like yours truly.

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, (used to be) rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get
'em back.

[Snagged]

The definition of 'Bravery'

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night
out with the boys.
Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
And still having the guts to ask:
"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

[Galveston Yankee]

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers, a blonde, came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My coworker started following me and the Boss asked her where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark!" she said.

[Bobby]

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA,
to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations.

Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that
ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and
annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of
our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic
wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not
only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired
because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently
hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you
vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
hundredth time

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even
though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an
IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have
worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent
will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial
evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and
laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a
full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for
you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is
"I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over
the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do
believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by
the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
Mothers birthday", you neglected to mention that you were going to take
nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then you forgot to erase them
like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never
seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have
been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing
letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate
having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never
**** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do
with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day Cecelia

[BertS]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs".

or for Mr. Badhabitwiththenippleringandpinkthong, substitute women, with avatar...lol.....jk bud

[hooknbullet]

An old redneck got pulled over for speeding. As the cop stood there writing the ticket, he was continually swatting at flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Havin' trouble with them circle flies?" asked the redneck. "Circle flies?" "I've never heard them called that before." said the cop.
" That's what we call 'em back home on the farm, 'cuz they're always circlin' around the back of a horse" said the redneck. The cop says angrily, "Mister, are you calling me a horse's ***?" "No,sir, not at all", said the redneck. "I've got too much respect for the law and you people that do such a great service to the community. I'd never call you that." The cop seemed satisfied, and went back to writing the ticket. "But, you know, it's pretty hard to fool them flies."

[-JAW-]

Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on
deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do NOT do it!

IT IS A SCAM; !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They only want to see you naked.



I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...



Urgh! ~

[ComeFrom?]

There are less than three months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The man elected will be the President of ALL Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of President George W. Bush, please drive with your headlights 'ON' during the day.

If you support John Kerry, please drive with your headlights 'OFF' at night. :wink:

[-JAW-]

Old Sal was a California salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.

When the Coastguard eventually found him, the boat captain noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around.

He went over to old Sal and said, "You know, it's illegal to kill a California Condor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you."

The old fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.

"Out of curiosity" the coastguard skipper asked, "What did it taste like?"

Sal replied, "Well, it was kind of a mix between snowy owl and bald eagle."

[Flipgator]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Moral of the Story:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them

[Snagged]

The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing
a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I
am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me
my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director."

[Zach]

OK Read and answer question BEFORE scrolling down


How do you get a Giraffe into a fridge?

























Walk Him in.

How do you get a elephant into the fridge?




























Did you take the giraffe out?

Ok, now all the animals go to a meeting (like in the lion king) who does not show up?






















Elephant. He is in the fridge.

How do you get across an alligator infested river?

























Swim across, all the animals are at the meeting...


It was found that all most 98% of Adults get 3 or more questions wrong, Yet 77% of 1st graders got 3 or more right.

[Galveston Yankee]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, ""I see millions of stars.""


"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.


The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.


What does it tell you, Tonto?""


Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb *****. Someone has stolen tent.""

[Galveston Yankee]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically
hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose were to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well,I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning......

Today you voted"

[Snagged]

You gotta read this out LOUD!!!!!

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives.

[Catn' Around]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings to them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy!


"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents."What will you name the baby?"


The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says...................................


"Well, two Wong s don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

[Catn' Around]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and mostof the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender
says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy" Paddyreplies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat onhis face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dustshimself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face."Shoite, Shoite!"He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can justget to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawlsto the door and shimmies up to the door frame.He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He fallsflat on his face."Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the doorand shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmiesinside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawlsup the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to thebed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying acup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drinklast night?".Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' ******. But how'd youknow?""Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Snagged]

An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.

As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday School bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. "Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Snagged]

Answer: Princess Diana

Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel
in a German car
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk on Scotish whisky
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor
using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American using Bill Gates' technology; and you're probably reading this on your computer
that uses Taiwanese chips
and a Korean monitor
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friend, is Globalization.

[-JAW-]

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away..."

[NaClH2O]

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.


Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all!

Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair...and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result..The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

[SAK]

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR)interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them
climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit
irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be
properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this
is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be
teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You've gotta love the Marines !!!

[-JAW-]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are
you getting there?"

"We're taking United." was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight
attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant Well, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only >were we on time in one of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"


He said, "Where'd you get the AWFUL hairdo?"

[Empty_Stringer]

One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

You talk?" he asks.

Yep," the Lab replies.

So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"

[Snagged]

Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is OLD AGE

[SAK]

The River

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave
him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2
hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river. " Poof!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able
to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God,
please give me the strength, the tools
and the intelligence to cross river." Poof! He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[grinderman]

It could always be worse.......

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was stonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing, it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith


PS : Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer.


I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[grinderman]

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dinning room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?" "Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too." she replies softly. He wipes
another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

[Snagged]

An old gent moved into a retirement community where
good-looking, eligible men are at a premium.

After he had been there for a week he went to
confession and said, "Bless me father, for I have
sinned. Last week I had my way with seven different
women."

The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into
a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replied the priest, "but it'll wipe that grin
off your face."

[bill]

Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind the desk that they want 3 rooms. He says, “10 dollars per room so that's 30 dollars.” So they pay and go up to their rooms. Then, the deskman remembers that there is a special for 3 rooms for $25. He gives the bellhop the $5 change and tells him to take it up to them. On the way, the bellhop realizes that he doesn't know how to split it 3 ways so he keeps 2 and gives 1 to each man. My question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x 3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the other dollar?

[Reel_Blessed II]

I found the answer for you so I hope this eases your brain cramp....

The answer is in the way the question is worded. You cannot add what one person HAS to what someone else has PAID and come up with any kind of a meaningful number, you have to subtract.
Each man has paid $9.
The bellhop has $2.
Difference

$9 x 3 = $27
2
$25

The hotel clerk has the other 25 dollars.
To look at it from the standpoint of the original $30. Each man has $1.
The bellhop has $2.
The hotel clerk has $25.
Total

$1 x 3 = $3
2
25
$30

[grinderman]

Subject: HOT AIR

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."

[Reel_Blessed II]

INTELLIGENT RIDDLE

John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question.

"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!

[Snagged]

The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:




Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper



Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head



Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles



Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire



Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge



Saturday


Pick up the pieces.




Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them



What a Workout!

[Snagged]

Cooking Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving with you in the car.

[Snagged]

Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman , planned to spend almost all of
her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her
hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which
received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day,
but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up
there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard
someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she didn't have
time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach,she just
pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out
of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you
sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a
bathing suit, as you did yesterday"

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated... "Have you been following
me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no one
except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm
covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except for
the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

[-JAW-]

Weapons of Math Deduction

At Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport yesterday, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

[Galveston Yankee]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.


He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck ***** naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"


The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says;




























Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."

[bill]

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

"Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" the bartender then asked.

The pirate said " In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it pottied right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you need an eye patch?"

"First day with the hook."

[SAK]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie,"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's

going to be a string attached.

[Badhabit]

and all this time I been eatin' um raw...... :o

[Castaway Kay]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, he met St. Peter who took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
>
> God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?
>
> Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
>
> God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and is high maintenance?"
>
>Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
>
>God said, "Ah, yes."
>
> "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
>
> 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
> 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
> 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
> 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
> 5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!! "
>
> "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
>
>God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
>
>"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, " God said to Arthur, "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Snagged]

WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING. I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.

WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.
I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A
BREAK?" HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.

I CALLED HIM A NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES. SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST. THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.

THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.




I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD AN "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.

I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE.

[Coastalsunshine]

A Mom is driving her little girl to her friend's house to play.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

Mom: "Honey, don't ask a lady her age," .

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now stop the questions!" These are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions!" The exasperated mother walks away as
the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything" the little girl says to her
friend.

"Well," said the friend, " .. all you need to do is look at her
driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how
old you are, you are 32"

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise
and shock.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"Annnnd," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and
daddy got a divorce."

Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

[FINNFOWLER]

An Irish man came to America to live, and he wanted to be a true American and go to a major leauge baseball game. When he went to the first game he did not know what to expect. He sat down in his seat and watched the first batter get up to the plate and wait for his first pitch. The pitcher threw a fast ball and the batter hit it and ran to first base. The fans jumped up and screamed! The Irishman jumped up and down with the fans sreaming "RUN....RUN....RUN....." The next batter gets up and hits the ball foul. The Irishman jumps up and yell "RUN....RUN....RUN.....", The fans around him laugh and explain to him that the ball must stay within the chalk lines to be a fair ball. The Irishman tells them he understands it now. Well the batter hits the next ball foul again. The crowd around the irishman look to see what the irishman is going to do, but he does nothing. The Irishman is on the egde of his seat. Then you hear the ball hit the catchers glove "SMACK", ball one. Then the next pitch ball two, ball three, ball four. The batter trots out of the batters box to firts base. The Irishman jumps up and says "RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN" The crowd laughs at him but one fan explains to him that the batter does not have to run he has four balls. The Irishman looks at the man telling him this with an astonished look and then jumps up and yells "WALK WITH PRIDE MAN....WALK WITH PRIDE!"

[-JAW-]

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,he finally bought a centipede, (a 100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him, so he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you
like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!?"

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A little voice came out of the box:......................
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

[Pablo]

The Navy found they had too many people and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any active duty person who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two points in his or her body. The person got to choose what
those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out
with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with $96,000.



The third one was a non-officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he
would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my
testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers
had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with
him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop em," which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chiefs
penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam...."

[Fishnut]

Dear Sirs:



I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same

time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the

Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should

replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims

would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked

woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start

flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. Hijackings would end

and the airline industry would have record sales.



Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything

myself?



Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[SAK]

Subject: Baby Texan



A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his

cell phone.



He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of

drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has

just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.



Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,

but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks.

Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy."



Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.



Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.



The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin'

bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you.

So...how much does he weigh now?"



The proud father answers, "17 pounds!"



The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."



The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[SAK]

NOAH 2004



It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord

speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember, You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year" said the Lord.



Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.



"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"



"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.



I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls.

So, no owls.



The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to

negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.



Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve an complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.



I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft. Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, and therefore unconstitutional.



I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the
seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "Politics already has."

[Snagged]

Bill Clinton, John Kerry and George W. Bush died and
found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River,
looking across at the promised land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other and shouted
over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been
taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by
saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according the lies
you have told on earth. The more you have lied the more you will sink into
the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one
another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the
Jordan River.

Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first.

Clinton, knowing he had told many lies decided he would have to face up
to his life of lies.

John Kerry, hero that he is, stood back until the others had taken a
stand on what they would do.

Slowly George W. Bush began into the river, and slowly the
water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to
sweat, thinking that all of his lies were coming back to haunt him. He was
beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side...Finally,after what
seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he
ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see how the other two
were doing. A shock of surprise registered on his face as he saw John Kerry
almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the
water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I don't believe this, the man
told constant lies, he rarely told the truth. I can't believe you have
fallen for his lies too."

Archangel Michael replied calmly ... "He's standing on Clinton's shoulders."

[Bobby]

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing.." the man offers. "Once, on
a trip to the Black Hills, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me".
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago".

[Bobby]

A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. A
Lawyer, anxious to get a client, could not get near the car. Being a
clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me
through! I am the son of the victim!" The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

[Bobby]

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London; a
Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because
they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh
restaurant they came up with a plan.

The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three
course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter
came by with the cheque. "But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The
waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he
did not want to cause any trouble, he let the Trini leave.

Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered
a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the
waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!" The
Barbadian shouted.
This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did
not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go.

Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and
ordered the most expensive meal on the menu
plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to
collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter
said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't
understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they
said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them,
so..."

Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly, "Hear mi nuh
boss, that ah fi yu problem... jus gimme mi change!"

[Bobby]

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much the dentist charges for
a tooth extraction.

"$85 for an extraction, sir," was the dentist's reply.

"Och, huv yer no got anythin' cheaper?" replies the Scotsman.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, sir" said the dentist.

"What about if yer din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman
hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I
can do it for $70," said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still
without anesthetic," asked the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee
their level of professionalism and it may be a lot more painful. I
suppose in that case, we can bring the price down to, say, $40," said
the dentist.

"Och, that's still a wee bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin'
session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students
watchin' and learnin," said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students, I suppose. I'll charge
you only $5 in that case," said the dentist.

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can yer
confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday, then?"

[Bobby]

The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?"
he asked the sales clerk.

"Forty dollars."

The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a
twenty.

"I'll take one spur."

"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.

The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin',
the other side'll go too."

[Bobby]

Antiques have become very popular. Right now there are 15 million
Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don't work and
are only kept for sentimental purposes. Some of these are called
antiques - and the rest are called husbands.

[Bobby]

Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply
and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic
relationship, until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears. We
can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Duncan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a
mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of
crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can
only walk sideways."

Duncan was shattered and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to
drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the
great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide,
dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in,
choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The
Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King
Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the
floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but
FORWARDS, one claw after another! Step by step he made his approach
towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush..................................

For quite a while...........................

Finally, the crab spoke.......

"Darn, I'm ******."

[Bobby]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old
man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome
-those people walk just like that,"

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're
medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't
agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you
think."

Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "so what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but I was
wrong."

[Bobby]

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to the pearly gates. There he was
greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face
and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped
conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison entered,
kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our
government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a
long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the
inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe
and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the
Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama laid bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel
appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not
what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for
you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

[Galveston Yankee]

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and his taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R..S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the I.R.S. ...and about once a year, they send us a little *****, just like you."

[grinderman]

I am not sure if my wife would find this humorous Blue Cross & Blue Shield.......

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him......I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's.

Frankly, it 's either bad news...or terrible news!"

"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith. "Well....one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife's test."

"That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care,and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

"Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't have sex with her.

[gundoctor]

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He replied, "I got shingles." She said, "Fill out this form and supply your
name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He
said, "I got shingles." So she took down his height, weight, and complete
medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining
room." A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor
came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and
I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the
truck. Where do you want them?"

[Snagged]

It was in the late 1800's and a woman was walking down the street in
Salt Lake City. She thinks she recognizes the man walking towards her,
and stops him. "Are you Brigham Young?"

"I am."
"Are you the Brigham Young that led the people to Utah?"
"I am."

"Are you the Brigham Young that founded Salt Lake City?"

"I am."
Quite indignantly she asks "Are you the BrighamYoung that started
polygamy for the Mormons?"
"I am."
More indignantly, "Are you the Brigham Young that has 26 wives?"
"I am."
"You should be hung!"

"I am."

[Snagged]

Bank Letter-Gotta love it!!

This one is worth the read time.

Author Unknown

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

[-JAW-]

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


-JAW- was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


-JAW-, a 72 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw -JAW- walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to -JAW- and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
-JAW- replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"


:walkingsm shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."

[mudd_catt]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and
treachery will always overcome youth and skill

[mudd_catt]

Dear Diary:

May 30th: Just moved to Mississippi . . . Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I didn't see Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I returned back to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died, swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like barbeque cat. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it's hot as holy heck. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th: It's 110 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95. I hate this godforsaken state.

Aug. 8th: If another southern idiot cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to strangle the son of a gun. I hate this heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

Aug. 10th: The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do ANYTHING for 4 months and the weatherman says it might "really warm up next week". Doesn't it ever rain in this rathole?? Water rationing will be next, so $1700 worth of cactus might just dry up and blow into the pool. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking Mississippi. What kind of a sick demented soul would want to live here??

Welcome to Mississippi!

[mudd_catt]

The Old Gas Station
Author Unknown


The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.




With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.


She tripped and fell -- got up,
and then In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.





He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here"

[mudd_catt]

My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and
March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had
been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following
phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report
her to the credit bureau maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her
being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor
gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .. "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given).

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given) (After they get the fax.)

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given.

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"


Laughter is timeless.
Imagination has no age.
And dreams are forever.

[mudd_catt]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.


With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.


Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.

So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was
horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

[mudd_catt]

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam,
who were involved in a tragic car accident in
which all three died. As they stood at the gates
of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said,
"You will all be given a method of transportation
for your eternal use around heaven. You will be
judged on your past deeds, and will have your
transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked
at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You
cheated on your wife four times! For this, you
will drive around Heaven in an old beat up
Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You,
were not so evil, but you still cheated on your
wife two times. For this, you will forever travel
around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You,
Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have
sex until after marriage, and you never cheated
on your wife! For this, you will forever travel
through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later,
Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to
Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the
hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?"
they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set
forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so
slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw
my wife go by on a skate board."

[mudd_catt]

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes
are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno ****.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting stoned from all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. heifer is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I soiled myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like waste to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 3-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili.

[mudd_catt]

Disturbing Beer News!
Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis
that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female
hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within
a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[mudd_catt]

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."



He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened?" he exclaimed.

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your "member" is under your pillow."

[grinderman]

Had this emailed to me - thought it was good. Hope its not too "political" for here.

Subject: FW: Bill of NON-Rights
The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters.



We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."



ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything..



ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.



ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.



ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. This includes those welching off social security disability.



ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.



ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.



ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.



ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.



ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.



ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!



(lastly....)



ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!



If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish.



Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will?

Vote - it's American as American can be...!


Pray for ALL deployed troops and civilian employees in Middle East

[Pablo]

THE SMALL WHITE DOT

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

" I see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said .................... "but this morning my sister
was missing one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack, and the
boy next door joined the army."

[ComeFrom?]

JOB APPLICATION

NAME: John KerryRESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including one in Washington DC, worth multi-millions. I served in Vietnam (four months).EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. In my career as a U.S. Senator, I've voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA, and Defense bill. I ordered the city of Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. I served in Vietnam (four months).MILITARY:
I served in Vietnam (four months). I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four months). I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months). I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book "Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier", shows how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (four months).COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.APAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
After College and Vietnam, I ran for the U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying very rich women and running their companies vicariously through them. I served in Vietnam (four months).ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a U.S. Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months).

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make little or no charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess of $ 700 million. I served in Vietnam (four months).

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the other jobs out of Country. I served in Vietnam (four months).

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. I served in Vietnam (four months).RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).PERSONAL I practice my Catholic faith whenever cameras are present. I ride a Serotta Bike. I love to ski/snowboard. I call my Gulfstream V Jet the "Flying Squirrel". I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche".


I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.

I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting, inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for our energy problems. I served in Vietnam (four months).

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.

[bill]

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.

In an effort to motivate the boy to focus more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "But Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was President of The United States!"

[podnuh]

Her Side of the Story:

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to Meet at a cafe
for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with The girls and I thought it
might have been my fault because I was A bit later than I promised, but he
didn't say anything much about it.

I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was
something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we
should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit
funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him?
Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was
bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset
with me, he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I
loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the
heck that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going
to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched
on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about
10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to
confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do
anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:


Played badly today -- shot 87 ? can't putt for *****! Felt Kinda tired. Got laid though.

[Pablo]

smoker,alcoholic and homosexual



Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one
day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic,
one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If
any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you
will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that
he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip
to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the
ale, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had
a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot
glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold
dead

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar,
realising how seriously they must take the doctor's
words. As they walked along, they came upon a
cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said,
"You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both
dead." ..

[pelican]

A mute who wants to buy a toothbrush goes into a store.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first.:confused:



Answer...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
.

He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

.....You didn't get this wrong, did you?

[Snagged]

So You Want To Fly F-14s!

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details

his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is broken.

"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have .. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity... Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death!

Whatever you do .... Do Not Go!!! I know.

The U S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip(Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said. "For the potassium?" I asked. "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with My name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot but still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it. A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when deployed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.

It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea.

Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie. And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before and the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand. A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said He and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.....

"Two Bags"

[-JAW-]

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: liberals and conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQ every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Later, some of the liberals actually became women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.

The largest, most powerful land animal on earth symbolizes conservatives. The jackass symbolizes liberals.

Modern liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, group therapists, Architects are liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" to which the cowboy replied, "that sumbitch ain't been born yet."

[Snagged]

David Brooks of the New York Times finally reveals John Kerry’s “plan”:

“When I'm president, our country is going to marry a really rich country, which will pay for everything.”

[gundoctor]

Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one
night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend
hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he
thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication,
his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights
... calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So
does my husband." Then it dawned on them.

[-JAW-]

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are all the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or. . ."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

[Snagged]

" Hello? Is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report on my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana
inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descended on Virgil's house. They search the
shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of
wood, but found no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil as they left.

A few minutes later, Virgil's phone rang. Hey, Virgil. This here is Floyd.
Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Sure did."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Who says Rednecks ain't smart?

[jamesf888]

If Abbott and Costello were still around today their famous sketch "Who's on

first?" might have turned out something like this....

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!


A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

[Galveston Yankee]

FINALLY, SOMEONE EXPLAINED IT SO THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND IT!



There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer...... Nobody bothered to check the oil.




We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.




All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

[Snagged]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate us old geezers.

[bill]

One Day a man is walking in San Francisco's Chinatown, and takes a turn down a strange looking alley, he comes to a strange store.

The Man Goes into it and begins just looking around, but then he sees a Gold mouse statue and he decides to purchase this Gold mouse statue. He walks up to the clerk and says, "I would like to purchase this Gold Statue."

The Clerk says, It is $20.00 for the statue and another $1,000.00 for the story behind it."

The man refuses the story and gives the man $20.00. He walks out of the store, and begins walking back to San Francisco, when he notices that there is 3 mice following him, he thinks nothing of it so he continues walking. So, about 5 minutes later there are Thousands of mice following him.

So he takes off running and the mice are right on him, so, he runs toward the Wharf, and as he reaches the edge, he throws the Gold Mouse Statue into the bay. All the mice follow the statue into the water.

After they are all dead, he goes back to the Shop. He walks in, and the clerk asks him "So, came back for the story, Huh?"

The man replies "No, I wanted to know if you had a Gold Statue of a Lawyer?"

[Galveston Yankee]

Fresh from her shower,
a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that
her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling
her it's not so, her husband
uncharacteristically comes up with
a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow,
then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts
for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches
a piece of toilet paper and stands in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They will grow larger over a period
of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think
rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my
breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband
says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He still lives, and with a great deal of
therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.

[mudd_catt]

John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on
one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion on words and their meaning.
The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of
the word "tragedy". So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.
"That's wrong," Kerry shouts. "That would be considered an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"You are completely incorrect" shouts the Senator. "That would be what we would consider a great loss".
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy "little Johnny" raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the great Senator John Kerry were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".
"Fantastic !" exclaims Kerry. "You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?."
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident.

[Steelersfan]

One man was from Texas, one from Florida and one from Pennsylvania.They got
acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.
The guy from Texas began by saying "I told my wife clearly that from now on
she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told
her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing, but on the third day when
I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was
prepared with wine and even dessert."
Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down and told her,that
from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping and all of the
house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing.
But the third day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in
the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."

The fellow from PA was married to a woman who had grown up in PA all her
life. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said "I
gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to
do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning. Well, the first day I saw
nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But by the third day, I could
see a little bit out of my left eye."

Gotta Love those Pennsylvania Women

[NaClH2O]

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

[-JAW-]

Now, the real trick for the blind man is, how does he tell they are sunglasses and not just plain clear glass?
How does Stevie Wonder know he's black?

[Brady Bunch]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Senator Kerry's clock?" asked the man.

"Kerry's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[bill]

No one should live by the early bird policy without finding out whether he classifies as a bird or a worm.

[Galveston Yankee]

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called
the police and explained what she had done. As the officer
cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, " Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a
scripture to you.

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. " She said she had an ax
and two 38's!"

[muzzleloader]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, and sits down, He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, " We don't serve beer to bears in Billings".

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "we don't serve belligerent bears in bars in Billings".

The bear, very angry now, says " if you don't serve me a beer I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar".

The bartender says, " Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings".

The bear goes to the end of the bar and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, " Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in Billings who are on drugs".

The bear says, " I'm not on drugs".

(you are gonna love this)


The bartender says, " you are now. That was a barbitchyouate !!!!

[James Howell]

the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[Galveston Yankee]

Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor?



Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church.

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it?"

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

[Brewgod]

The early bird STILL has to eat worms...

[Snagged]

I had a drug problem when I was growing up and did not know it read below

The other day, someone at a store in a small town read that a metha mphetamine lab had been found in an old farm house in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

"I did have a drug problem when I wuz a kid growing up on the farm."

I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher. Or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink if I uttered a profane four letter word. ( I do know what Lye soap tastes like.)

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.

I was drug to the homes of Family, Friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one, to mow the yard, repair the clothesline or chop some fire wood, and if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the wood shed.

Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America might be a better place today.

[-JAW-]

Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time the jerk will buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
B*tchy in Boston

[speckle-catcher]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

....LISTEN UP, D**KHEAD!

DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?"


..........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

[Snagged]

God Is Busy
An East Coast Ivy League atheist professor was teaching a university class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.
He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by all the time taunting God, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
As the last minute approached he smugly smiled.
A young US Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force on the chin sending him flying from his platform and crashing to the floor.
The professor struggled up, badly shaken and yelled, "WHAT's the matter with you! Why did you do that?"
The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent The Marines"
Life is good.

[Bobby]

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next toa guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls,"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
Why, actually, yes, I do."

I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in theVolkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well,the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so immediately goes to acustomizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done.
He picks up hiscar and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with theTexas plates.

Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pullshis Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feelssomewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls andtaps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

(It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)



The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack andpeeks out.



The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"



"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"



Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."



The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL METHAT?!"

[Galveston Yankee]

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly, "Well, he has two cat houses </B>in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

[Pablo]

An Arkansas farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."


"Well, said the farmer, is yer Mom here?"



"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"He went with Mom and Dad."


The farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.


"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."


"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."


The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[-JAW-]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd." her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hotdog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please." says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hotdogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get?"

[Galveston Yankee]

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like engineers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable.

[Galveston Yankee]

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Dept. of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/
or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintainance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of
this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no
permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that
this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of the this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoraiton work
shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this
office when the restoration may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to
comply with this request or any further unauthorized acivity on the site
may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


THE REPLY:


Dear Mr. Price:

Your certified letter dated 12/17/2003 has been received. I am the
legal landowner but not the contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State authorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillfull use of natures building materials "debris". I
would challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project
any time and/ or place you choose. I believe I can safely state there
is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/ or their dam work ethics.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to
discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all
beavers throughout the state to conform to said dam request? If you are
not discriminating against these particular dam beavers, through Freedom
of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beavers' dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inlakes and Streams,
ofthe Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Publics Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.3011 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is....aren't beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
distitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam
concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain
event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurance, which
the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave
the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harrassing them and calling
their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter...they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy the Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (the dam beavers) and the environment (the Beavers'
Dam).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
01/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/ harass them
then.

In, conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real
environmental health quality problem in the area. It is the Bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely think you
should persue the defecating Bears and leave the Beavers alone.

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this dam letter
to your dam office.

Thank you,

Ryan DeVries and the Spring Pond Beavers

[Galveston Yankee]

Kind of gets to the bare bones of the arguement when you personalize things does it not?


A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed.


Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.


One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.


He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.


Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"


She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA . She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."


Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."


The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"


The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

[-JAW-]

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?


*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*
A: The position of the dirt bag.

[Brady Bunch]

Oh, I thought they both suck!!! :biggrin:

[Brady Bunch]

Tragidy strikes and George Bush has died.

Hes standing infront of the devil (not likely but its a joke) and the man in red says "I have no room for you here but you have to stay, so this is what I will do. You have the choice to pick between these 3 doors, and whatever is behind them, thats what you will get". O.K, says Bush, door #1 please.... the devil opened the door and there was a man repeatedly jumping off a diving board into a pool of fire...NO WAY says Bush, I hate the heat and I cant swim that good. Lets see whats behind door #2. the door swings open and theres a man swinging a huge sledge hammer over and over breaking big rocks. NO WAY says Bush, I have a bad shoulder. "So this leaves one more door" says the devil as he opens the door. Lying on his back naked is Bill Clinton with Monica Lewinsky ontop doin her thing. Now thats something I could do, so the devil says "O.K Monica your free to go"

[Snagged]

LIKE HIS MOTHER

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard;
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right.
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks,
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
As I was looking for a clue.
Then, I turned around and smacked him;
Like his Mother used to do.

[foulhooked]

God Bless Bubba!

City Councilman ejected from studio

T. Bubba Bechtol, part time City Councilman from Midland, TX, was asked
on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the
allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his
ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables
will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say:

"Red is positive"

"Black is negative"

[gundoctor]

A lawyer who was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."
The judge replied, "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."