List Humor: You might be . . . etc. One liners etc. [Archive]

Snagged

05-26-2004, 08:03 AM

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is backordered.)

16. Transport pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.

17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AOs without power lines or SAMs.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

speckle-catcher

05-26-2004, 12:02 PM

here's another example:
If you ask the Marines to â€œsecure a buildingâ€, they will send a squad under cover of darkness who will place explosive charges and blow the building up. They will then report back that the building is secured.

If you ask the Army to â€œsecure a buildingâ€, they will send a platoon of soldiers with artillery support who will clear the building and establish a 360 degree cordon around it. They will then report back that the bldg is secured.

If you ask the Navy to â€œsecure a Buildingâ€ they will send 2 Sailors and a Chief (who will undoubtedly have a cup of coffee in his hand). The Chief will order the two Sailors to turn off the coffee pot, turn off all of the lights and lock the doors to the Building. They will then report back that the building is secure.

If you ask the Air Force to â€œsecure a buildingâ€ they will get you a 6 year lease with an option to buy.

ComeFrom?

05-28-2004, 11:14 AM

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear no white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear a T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom, because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood -- all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes.

Where To?

05-28-2004, 09:49 PM

I hope this is ok - cleaned up the language but if still too much, take it off the board.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no
longer been tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b****.

3) TRY ! SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be s****ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a s****.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This s*** won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the h*** didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat s*** and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

1! 4) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h*** died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr***.

Thank You, Human Resources

BertS

06-01-2004, 02:09 PM

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the

second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tre! e.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down

there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair

that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to

ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer! but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes wi! th age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants...

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . ..having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

-JAW-

06-05-2004, 03:44 PM

1. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

2. I used up all my sick days. Now I'm having to call in dead.

3. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film!

4. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

5. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

6. Back up my hard drive? I can't find the reverse switch!

7. Sorry I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

9. You have the right to remain silent. But anything you say will be
misquoted and used against you.

10. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

11. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?

12. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

13. Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.

14. A day without sunshine is like....night. 15. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

BertS

06-07-2004, 02:22 PM

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

>________________________________________________

>

>At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient. Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

>

>_________________________________________________

>

>One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

>

>Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

>_________________________________________________

>

>I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered

>that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

>

>_________________________________________________

>

>During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

>

>I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

>

>Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

>

>_________________________________________________

>

>While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years--when my husband was alive."

>

>Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

>

>_________________________________________________

>

>I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see he jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

>Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

>

>_________________________________________________

>

>And Finally . . . . .

>A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener."

>

>Colonoscopy Comments:

>

> A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

>

>1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

>2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

>3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

>4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

>5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?">

>6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

>7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

>8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the HokeyPokey...."

>9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

>10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

>11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

>12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

>13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

Snagged

06-08-2004, 07:42 AM

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

Snagged

06-08-2004, 07:43 AM

A man doing telephone solicitations for a local charity called up a prominent and wealthy lawyer and asked him for a modest donation. The lawyer became incensed at the request and said to his caller: "I bet you weren't aware that just this past week my wife required major surgery and the expenses for this surgery weren't covered by insurance."

The caller started to apologize and express his regret for having asked for money and was interrupted by the lawyer who chimed in, "And this past month my mother died and my family had to put together an expensive funeral for her."

Again the caller tried to apologize to the lawyer for attempting to solicit a donation and told the lawyer he was sorry to hear that his mother had died.

"Then just this past month, one of my sons came down with a serious illness and almost died.....and my daughter needed plastic surgery to repair a congenital defect on her face," the lawyer added to the conversation.

The caller again felt bad and regretted having bothered the lawyer for taking up his time and apologized to him.

The lawyer than reponded, "And if I didn't give any of these people my money, why should I give some to you."

Snagged

06-08-2004, 07:45 AM

Q: Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?
A: Because New Jersey got first pick!!

Snagged

06-08-2004, 07:46 AM

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.

The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"

"No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."

"Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?"

"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...

Snagged

06-08-2004, 07:49 AM

Q: A snake and a lawyer both got hit by a car. What's the difference between em?
A: The snake had skid marks in front of him.

Snagged

06-11-2004, 09:18 PM

The Curtain Rods

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded to live in the couple's multi-million dollar mansion, and since the man's lawyers were a little better than his wife's and he prevailed and was granted the house.
He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning &mopping and airing the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steamcleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off powerful gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...............

................including the curtain rods!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ComeFrom?

06-16-2004, 12:59 PM

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

-JAW-

06-17-2004, 04:02 PM

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.

Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.

Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!

Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.

Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.

Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don't you laugh?

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

Waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
That's all right, sir. It's bird's nest soup.

Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one...

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir. The coffee tastes like glue.

Waiter, this coffee is way too strong!
Don't complain, sir. You may be old and weak yourself some day.

Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

Waiter, your thumb's in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not hot.

Waiter, what's this in my soup?
I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.

Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.

Waiter, have you got asparagus?
We don't serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!

Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
The head waiter says you eat like a horse.

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.

Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

Waiter, if this is cod then I'm an idiot.
You're right, sir - it *is* cod.

Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.

Waiter, I'll have soup and fish.
I'd have the fish first if I were you, sir, it's just on the turn.

Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.

Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven't any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?

Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.

Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak.

Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It's in the sausages, sir.

Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup.
Yes sir, that's because we've run out of flies.

Waiter, there is a fly in my salad.
I'm sorry sir, I didn't know that you were vegetarian.

Waiter, there's a hair my honey.
It must have dropped off the comb, sir!

Waiter, there's a button in my soup.
Oh, thank-you, sir. I've been looking for that everywhere.

Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken pie.
So what? You don't get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?

Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.

Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.

Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well!

Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can't you tell by the taste?
No, I can't
Then what does it matter?

Waiter, in future I'd like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!

Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
Fillet?
Yes, to the brim.

Waiter, I'll pay my bill now.
This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.

Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
No there isn't.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and it isn't butter, it's margarine - so there!

Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.

Waiter, I can't eat this!
Why not sir?
You haven't given me a knife and fork.

Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!

Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?
Certainly , sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!

Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I've finished my meal.

Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.

Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
We don't do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday..

Customer: I'll have some lamb chops and make them lean.
Waiter: Forward or backward, sir?

Waiter, what do you call this?
Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door.

Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.

Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just move the potato and there it was.

Waiter, Waiter, is this a fly in my soup?
Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.

Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
Why, of course sir. That's rabbit stew!

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

I had lunch in a Chinese restaurant the other day, but the chicken was terrible. So I called the waiter over and I said, "This chicken is rubbery."
And the waiter said, "Thank you berry much!"

"Waiter, waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!".

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?
1st customer: I'll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

Snagged

06-19-2004, 09:43 PM

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women
go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
~~~~~
Could they ALL be Blondes???

Snagged

06-20-2004, 07:22 AM

Military Survival Rules
"Aim towards the enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Army rocket launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army training notice

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, accurate. From 30,000 feet, every single bomb always hits the ground." - U.S. Air Force ammunition memo.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army preventive maintenance publication

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Corps memo.

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David H. Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper - once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your buddies

"If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Army ordnance manual

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed" - U.S. Air Force flight training manual

-JAW-

06-21-2004, 03:19 PM

This archive is for G and PG rated humor on such subjects as "10 Reasons why you might be a . . ."; "The differences between. . ."; "How to tell if you. . ."; and other "list" like jokes that have multiple punchlines. Jokes posted on the main forum will be archived after 30 days.

Please do not post any pictures or active links in this thread.

-JAW-

06-21-2004, 04:26 PM

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
control towers around the world.
------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

------------------------------------------------

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

------------------------------------------------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a long takeoff queue: "I'm f***ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"

------------------------------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the Little Fokker in sight."

------------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

------------------------------------------------

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if, you are able. If you are not able. take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

------------------------------------------------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B~52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

------------------------------------------------

Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

------------------------------------------------

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702. Contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers."

------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

------------------------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206. "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

------------------------------------------------

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.

I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

ComeFrom?

06-25-2004, 07:07 PM

Hello! Those of you who are "transplanted Californians" will probably find this funny; but for those of us who still live here, we know much of it is true!

So as to not be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if.......................

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house,

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English,

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze,

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian,

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears,

10. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast,

11. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S,

12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps, and you don't even notice,

13. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks' wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney,

14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment,

15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S &M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

16. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

17. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH,"

18. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class,

19. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers,

20. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents . .

21. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????

22. Both you AND your dog have therapists . . . and lastly,

23. The Terminator is your governor.:rotfl:

CF?

-JAW-

06-27-2004, 02:21 PM

NEVER SAY TO A COP:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Say, aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Snagged

06-27-2004, 04:28 PM

#13. I'll have a burger, fries and coffee.

Snagged

07-02-2004, 05:01 PM

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [ what a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] [Please don't tell the Pluggers!]
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken!]
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [That was really giving of himself!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [I certainly hope so!] [I would hate to hear some were still alive!]

Snagged

07-04-2004, 11:55 PM

WILL ROGERS

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Bobby

07-11-2004, 04:58 PM

How To Install Software: A 12-Step Program

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
that explains what
kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look
something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM 719.7
MB FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB
RAM 432323 MB ROM 05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM 2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the
software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees
to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that
nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter
and the Secret Membership Oath
of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and
conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem
necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's
home and examine the user's hard drive, as
well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave
it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early
light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great
crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would
be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one,
and be honest:
+---+ +-----+ | YES | | SURE | +---+ +-----+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what
in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive
and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness
of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
immediately swear, like this: !@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$ (%21@%21$%29$%@&*%5E%29$*%21#$_$)*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional
than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3
through 12.

And so that's the easy way to install software...

Bay Gal

07-13-2004, 12:18 PM

What's Your "REDNECK" Sign?

Some of us (especially REDNECKS) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are our own "REDNECK" symbols:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) - Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) - Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) - You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) - You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) - When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) - Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) - Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them.. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) - Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) - Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) - You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) - Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) - You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

pelican

07-16-2004, 03:41 PM

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, ******* standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 80 rules when 40 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their b00bs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

pelican

07-16-2004, 05:14 PM

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42. Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

31. Butt Head

30. Military Intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. New classic

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. â€œNow, then â€¦â€

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian Scientists

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. Extinct life

16. Temporary tax increase

15. Computer jock

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

9. Definite maybe

8. Pretty ugly

7. Twelve ounce pound cake

6. Diet ice cream

5. Rap music

4. Working vacation

3. Exact estimate

2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works

Snagged

07-17-2004, 06:23 AM

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all
dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
copulate me."
.................................................. ............
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
................
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom,
too."
.................................................. .............
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
..............................
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
....................................
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
..................................................
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
then line up in a circle."
.............................................
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton."
.............
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
.................................................. .........
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer! , on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is."
...................................
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting
a
baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I
wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
.................................................. ...............
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach,
I don't know and I don't care.'"
.................................................. ...
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."
......................
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too ugly to kiss good-by

ArtificialOnly

07-19-2004, 12:36 PM

you forgot this one

"99% FAT FREE"

Snagged

07-19-2004, 10:26 PM

You forgot:
Friendly fire

James Howell

07-21-2004, 01:45 PM

What about jumbo shrimp?

speckle-catcher

07-21-2004, 02:08 PM

kinda pregnant

Galveston Yankee

07-21-2004, 05:52 PM

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Galveston Yankee

07-23-2004, 12:25 PM

I think I posted this on the old board, but it's worth repeating. Pay attention to Mark Twain, he was a brilliant man!

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey (1992)
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what It costs when it's free. -- P.J. O'Rourke

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Talk is cheap--except when Congress does it. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley

pelican

07-23-2004, 04:20 PM

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car again, Slick, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Snagged

07-27-2004, 10:20 PM

Variations on Murphy's Law

1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have
nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger
starves last.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap,
always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. BOOB's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do
it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the
past tense.

11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what
is going on. That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.[Shimone Coetzer]
This is my personal favorite.

15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.

17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.

18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers
wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have
destroyed civilization

Galveston Yankee

07-28-2004, 01:35 PM

1. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the TennesseeTitans?

2. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

3. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

7. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

8. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam.

9. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

10. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

11. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

12. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

-JAW-

07-31-2004, 01:25 PM

The best fight a fisherman will ever fight,
is with the fish that got away.

The Fisherman that practices catch and release,
will have fish in the future to practice with.

Sometimes the best part of fishing is doing nothing at all.

Trophy fish that hang on walls gather dust,
Trophy fish left in the water make more Trophies.

Bobby

08-01-2004, 10:58 PM

MEMORIES

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things, someone was always home.

We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set, and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.

The snacks were even healthy with the best ingredients,
No labels with a hundred things that make not a bit of sense.

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies with your favourite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.

Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store and shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it you used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount,
Remember when the cashier person had to really count?

Remember when we breathed the air; it smelled so fresh and clean,
And chemicals were not used on the grass to keep it green.

The milkman used to go from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door,
Without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent;
There were not loads of mail addressed to "present occupant."

Remember when the words "I do" meant that you really did,
And not just temporarily 'til someone blows their lid.

T'was no such thing as "no one's fault; we just made a mistake,"
There was a time when married life was built on give and take.

There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style.

One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five.

The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
And always we were striving, trying for a better way.

And every year that passed us by brought new and greater things,
We now can even program phones with music or with rings.

Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game, just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology but I sure miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.

Much credit to the person who put this together, who ever they are.

Jack Hexter

08-02-2004, 04:16 PM

Murphy was an optomist :o

-JAW-

08-08-2004, 01:21 PM

Signs Posted in English:

In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

At a Budapest zoo:
"PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."

Doctor's office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway:
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a Mexico City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a Danish cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

Hotel, [former] Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THEE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

In a Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ***?"

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
"FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN"

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

ComeFrom?

08-12-2004, 01:13 PM

Looks like Wal-Mart stock is a BUY!!

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -- Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's
largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine,
said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine .

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).

Snagged

08-13-2004, 10:40 PM

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NURSE WHEN?

The front of your scrubs read:
'Nurses...here to save your ***, not kiss it!'

You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.

You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

You always follow the rules, but you're wise enough to forget them sometimes. You can't cure stupid.

You have seen more moons than the Hubbell telescope.

You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.

You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.

You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.

You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job.

The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the he!! not!

You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

ComeFrom?

08-17-2004, 07:00 PM

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Man With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Snagged

08-17-2004, 10:00 PM

conversations from the cockpit

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never
hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

================================================== =======

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

================================================== ========

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

================================================== ========

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

================================================== ========

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a

B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

================================================== ========

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

================================================== ========

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the
DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.Did you make
it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll
have enough parts for another one."

================================================== =======

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and come nose to nose with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get
it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US
Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in
her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Snagged

08-19-2004, 04:44 PM

REDNECK CHURCH

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of
the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they
learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd
like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women
stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season
is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the
"OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as
"branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ
set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is
what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2
galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were
donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are
really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are
called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife
drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet"
applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"

grinderman

08-25-2004, 06:04 PM

The difference Female vs. Male.
1.. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4.. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5.. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6.. CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7.. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9.. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10.. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13.. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

14.. AND FINALLY......
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Galveston Yankee

08-31-2004, 12:34 PM

* You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or
get married and wish you were dead.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
* At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I
am, I married the wrong man."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day
she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've
found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want
from me, sympathy?"
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to
let her keep him.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* During a heated spat over finances, the husband said, "Well, if you'd
learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the
maid." The wife fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how
to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two
girlfriends.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done for free.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Galveston Yankee

09-01-2004, 08:55 AM

10. Life is sexually transmitted.

9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

7. Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

2. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

1. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Pablo

09-02-2004, 06:11 PM

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman is early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Snagged

09-04-2004, 04:03 PM

Office Dares

ONE-POINT DARE

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the toilet at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE-POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent.

As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, dang it, all of you just shut up!"

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"

9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights."

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:

"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.

18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee and move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you...How to keep a healthy level of insanity:

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your trash can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."

7. Dont use any punctuation

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

11. Sing along at the opera.

12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

15. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

16. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"

17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity......................

18. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this!

-JAW-

09-11-2004, 11:31 AM

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand --
and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

Pablo

09-13-2004, 02:58 PM

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. At a bookstore I asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me. I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? (needed to think about that one)

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "a$$teroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

JDS

09-15-2004, 12:08 PM

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood ...

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.

Billy

09-15-2004, 12:53 PM

Didja hear about the baby seal the went to the club?

pelican

09-16-2004, 09:52 AM

Whether or not you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions:

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.

Snagged

09-16-2004, 08:23 PM

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes,
space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have all those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"

(I love old people! They do have a lot to offer!!!)

-JAW-

09-19-2004, 06:53 PM

THE 2004 STELLA AWARDS

It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards.

The Stella's are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled
coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired
the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the
United States.

THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:

5th place (Tied).
Kathleen Robertson of Austin,Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms.
Robertson's Son.

5th place (Tied).
19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman
apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when
he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

5th place (Tied).
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get
the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He could not re-enter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
family was on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the
garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a
large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming
the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the
tune of $500,000.

4th place.
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have
been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over
the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd place.
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson
had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

2nd place.
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a
neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms Walton
was trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the
$3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place.

This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motorhome. On
his trip home from a football game, having driven onto the freeway, he
set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go
into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the
RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr.Grazinski sued
Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not
actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new
Winnebago Motorhome.

The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit
just in case there were any other complete morons buying their
recreational vehicles.

Snagged

09-23-2004, 11:38 AM

Comments on Kerry

Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love, and he's questioning Bush's judgment?!?" -Jay Leno

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." -Craig Kilborn

"There was a really embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" -Craig Kilborn

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." -Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then Nader spoke." -Jay Leno

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno' Of course, there are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." -David Letterman

"Kerry was here in Los Angeles, courting the Hispanic vote by speaking some Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off right in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall. Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry felt well enough to give the officers conflicting reports about what happened." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week. If Kerry is elected president, she'll be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry. He said, 'Sure we're getting older, but to me, she still looks like a million bucks!'" -Jay Leno

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich... As opposed to John Kerry, who just marries them." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." -Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." -Jay Leno

"The White House begun airing TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the memory of a national tragedy in order to get elected... Unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry has promised to "take this country back" from the wealthy. Well who better than a guy worth $700 million? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons, at his castle in France... He's like a mole for the working man." -Jay Leno

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind, and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." -David Letterman

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." -Jay Leno

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young intern. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said, 'Close, but no cigar.'" -Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich. His wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" -Jay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and Teresa, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's "going after the wealthy" in this country, he's not just talking. He's actually doing it!" -Jay Leno

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was "the beginning of the end of the Bush ad ministration.Iagree.Sure,itmaytake another five years, but this is it." -Jay Leno

-JAW-

09-27-2004, 12:15 AM

There are two kinds of fishermen.
~Those that fish for sport and those that catch something.~

Give your husband a fish and you can feed him for a day.
~Encourage him take up fishing for a hobby and you can get rid of him for the weekend!~

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
~Teach him how to fish and he'll wear an ugly hat and have a beerbelly.~

My wife said to me that if I go fishing once more she, will leave me.
~God, I will miss her!~

Darrell: "Can I have a bucket of bait for my wife?"
~Bait Shop Owner: "Sorry sir we don't do trades."~

Where do you find a crab with no legs?
~Exactly where you left it.~

What do you call a deaf fishing boat captain?
~Anything you like. He cannot hear you.~

What side of a fish has the most scales?
~The outside~

"Mommy why can't I go swimming in the sea?"
"Because there are sharks in the sea."
"But Mommy, Daddy is swimming in the sea."
~"That's different he is insured."~

Where do you find most of the fish ?
~Between the head & the tail.~

WANTED:
Woman who can cook, clean, wash, and make sweet love.
Must have own boat.
~If interested, post a photo of the boat on TTMB classified.~

Snagged

09-29-2004, 01:23 PM

MARRIAGE

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classified's: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in the USA The rest cheat in Canada.

A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying,"

Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

Galveston Yankee

09-29-2004, 04:31 PM

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer!"

**************************************************

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing
aid. It cost me $4,000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really?" answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

**************************************************

Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking
down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc.......'Get a hot mama
and be cheerful'!"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur. Be careful'!"

**************************************************

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself slowly and painfully onto a stool. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Snagged

09-30-2004, 04:07 AM

STUPIDITY HAS NO BOUNDARIES

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had!
(Ahhh ... sweet retribution)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

(Hello ... this is the police calling dummy!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forty-five year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that eighteen packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

(Do we think she was blonde?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, RI, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed thirty pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

(Did he really think cash was that heavy?!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oklahoma City -- Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your [expletive] head off."
The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-- if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took twenty minutes to convict Newton and recommend a thirty-year sentence.

(Twenty minutes?? They must have eaten lunch too.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When Gaitlin asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Police in Chicago sent Cubs tickets to people with outstanding arrest warrants. When they arrived at the game, they were promptly arrested.

(Haven't people learned by now ... nothing is free!)

-JAW-

10-01-2004, 03:10 PM

Things you only do once

Open a champagne bottle with your teeth

Confuse your wife with your mistress

Realize the parachute isnâ€™t gonna open

Tabasco eyedrops

Smoke poison ivy

Serve as dictator

Vomit in the jury box

Eat a chilidog from a Tijuana street vendor

Break a leg in the Kentucky Derby

Play with a laser pointer at the Republican convention

Appear kneeling and blindfolded on Al Jazeera

Tell her she looks fat

Galveston Yankee

10-06-2004, 08:57 AM

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is classic!

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ...........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

Don't bite the hand that....... .............looks dirty.

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.............................me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy is the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is............................not much.

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

And the favorite:

Better late than...........................pregnant!!!

Bobby

10-08-2004, 09:44 AM

MISSING BILL CLINTON

Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said
he misses Bill Clinton....

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we
ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1- He played the sax.
Number 2- He smoked weed.
Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a
check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honour of one of the nations'
most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honour Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one."

American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so
full of **** he can't fly.

Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest
leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.

Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth
as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but
what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky
Panky between Bushes....

Bobby

10-08-2004, 09:46 AM

My South is full of honest, hardworking people. My South is the
birthplace of blues and jazz, and rock n' roll. It has banjo pickers and
fiddle players, but it also has BB King, Muddy Waters, the Allman
Brothers, Emmylou Harris and Elvis.

My South is hot. My South smells of newly mowed grass. My South was kick
the can, creek swimming, cane-pole fishing and bird hunting.

In my South, football is king, and the South-eastern Conference is the
kingdom.

My South is home to the most beautiful women on the planet.

In my South, soul food and country cooking are the same thing.

My South is full of fig preserves, cornbread, butter beans, fried
chicken, grits and catfish.

In my South we eat foie gras, caviar and truffles.

In my South, our transistor radios introduced us to the Beatles and the
Rolling Stones at the same time they were introduced to the rest of the
country.

In my South, grandmothers cook a big lunch every Sunday, so big that we
call it dinner (supper comes later).

In my South, family matters, deeply.

My South is boiled shrimp, blackberry cobbler, peach ice cream, banana
pudding and oatmeal cream pies.

In my South people put peanuts in bottles of Coca-Cola and hot sauce on
almost everything.

In my South the tea is iced and almost as sweet as the women. My South
has air-conditioning.

My South is camellias, azaleas, wisteria and hydrangeas.

In my South, the only person that has to sit on the back of the bus is
the last person that got on the bus.

In my South, people still say "Yes, ma'am," "No ma'am," "Please" and
"Thank you."

In my South, we all wear shoes....most of the time.

My South is the best-kept secret in the country.

Please continue to keep the secret....it keeps the idiots away

Galveston Yankee

10-08-2004, 11:55 AM

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on thesupport of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey (1992)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke

Government is the great fiction through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what It costs when it's free. -- P.J. O'Rourke

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Talk is cheap--except when Congress does it. The government is like ababy's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley

-JAW-

10-09-2004, 12:36 AM

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

And the winners are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.

13. Pokemon (n.), a Jamaican proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that when you die your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

mudd_catt

10-10-2004, 11:20 PM

Redneck Guide to Medical terms
>
>
>
>
>
"REDNECK GUIDE TO MEDICAL TERMS "

BENIGN--------------------------What you be after you be eight
ARTERY-------------------------The study of paintings
BACTERIA----------------------Back door to the cafeteria
BARIUM-------------------------What doctors do when patients die
CESAREAN SECTION------A neighborhood in Rome
CAT-SCAN---------------------Searching for kitty
CAUTERIZE-------------------Made eye contact with her
COLIC---------------------------A sheep dog
COMA---------------------------Punctuation mark
D&C-----------------------------Where Washington is
DILATE-------------------------To live long
ENEMA-------------------------Not a friend
FESTER-----------------------Quicker than someone else
FIBULA-------------------------A small lie
GENITAL----------------------Non-Jewish person
G.I. SERIES------------------World Series of military baseball
HANGNAIL--------------------What you hang your coat on
IMPOTENT-------------------Distinguished or well-known
LABOR PAIN-----------------Getting hurt at work
MEDICAL STAFF-----------Doctors' cane
MORBID----------------------A higher offe r than I bid
NITRATES-------------------Cheaper than day rates
NODE-------------------------I knew it
OUTPATIENT--------------A person who has fainted
PAP SMEAR----------------A fatherhood test
PELVIS-----------------------Second cousin to Elvis
POST OPERATIVE-------A letter carrier
RECOVERY ROOM------Place to do upholstery
RECTUM--------------------**** near killed him
SECRETION----------------Hiding something
SEIZURE---------------------Roman emperor
TABLET----------------------A small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS-----Getting sick at the airport
TUMOR----------------------More than one
URINE------------------------Opposite of you're out
VARICOSE------------------Near or close by

mudd_catt

10-10-2004, 11:20 PM

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom
told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through
menopause, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me
about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the
neck. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of
his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a
bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick
trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with
bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the
stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that
the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on
my blouse were negative. Later, my attorney called and said that I
would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
husband. What a relief.
Thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well,
gotta go now, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

Signed,
A relieved menopausal wife

mudd_catt

10-10-2004, 11:21 PM

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull doodey might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of deep doodey is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep doodey, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course.

mudd_catt

10-10-2004, 11:48 PM

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of
drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he
noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have
excellent taste! Those are called, Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles
from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on
vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so
sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull
fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we
will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he
called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the
bull wins."

mudd_catt

10-10-2004, 11:55 PM

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby
delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new
machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very
much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and
asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

mudd_catt

10-10-2004, 11:57 PM

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won. . . .

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my Job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers,were all
laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be
if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job ".

mudd_catt

10-10-2004, 11:59 PM

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ****** me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died."

The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Snagged

10-11-2004, 05:59 PM

I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. This is why we're in
trouble!

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the
passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying
to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without
trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response...

(click).

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said
he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,
"Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to
see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so
close on the map."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got
into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an
hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time
zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked
in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT), and I'm
overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute
while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained
the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper
to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do
I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
darn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do
I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she
meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double
checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told
him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every
time they have accepted my American Express!"

These are the people who run our country!! Be careful out there!!

pelican

10-13-2004, 12:19 PM

In Memory of Rodney

(Some of his best one liners)

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

Itâ€™s been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

and my favorite â€¦

I tell ya, Iâ€™ve NEVER gotten any respect. When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

-JAW-

10-13-2004, 08:25 PM

You Have Two Cows (updated for California)...

DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Galveston Yankee

10-18-2004, 11:53 AM

Enjoy!

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me Love, Alison

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis

10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan

11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank

And, saving the best for last . . .

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really 2cool. Thomas

Galveston Yankee

10-19-2004, 09:03 AM

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have
written an impressive new book. It's called
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat
folded up, the drink spilled and that ice,
well, it really chilled the mood.

3. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling,
too.

4. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash
out, gives the impression that he just cleaned
the whole house.

5. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending
machines and a large trash can.

6. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic
might try to rip me off. I was relieved
when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

7. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a
prescription for Viagra. He said it would
be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.

8. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went
to see how he was and found him writing
frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies
could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a
Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of
the people I want to bite!"

9. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for
enjoying sex.

10. As we slide down the banister of life, may the
splinters never point the wrong way.

11. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping,"
now I just "chunky dunk."

12. The early bird still has to eat worms.

13. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is
eating them.

14. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not
be able to tell the difference.

15. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our
life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt
Delete' and start all over?

16. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in
school, but they can in prison?

17. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells
live forever.

Galveston Yankee

10-20-2004, 10:52 AM

...your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

...you have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool
Whip" on them.

...your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

...you constantly complain about the proposed ban on assault weapons
because it'd make half your guns illegal.

...you couldn't go to church because your Sunday socks were being used
as your truck's gas cap.

...you think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.

...you clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.

...you gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA
application for his 6th birthday.

...you think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.

...you've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the
wrong end of a thumb tack.

...you think Wal-Mart is too expensive.

...you've ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour hagglin'
with the manager about their shirt and shoes law.

...you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

...you have ever written a check for less than a dollar.

...you've ever asked your 8-year old son how to spell a word.

...you've ever shoplifted Spam or Treet.

...you prefer the Sears catalog to Charmin.

Bobby

10-27-2004, 05:29 PM

The Rules Of Boating

1) Leaving the dock is optional. Every return is mandatory.
2) If you turn the wheel towards shore, the houses get bigger. If you turn the wheel away from shore, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep turning the wheel and then they get bigger and smaller and biggerÂ·.
3) Boating isn't dangerous. Sinking is what's dangerous.
4) It is always better to be on shore wishing you were out there than being out there and wishing you were on shore.
5) The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when the boat is on fire.
6) The sail is just a big awning used by sailors to keep the Captain cool. When it rips to shreds, you can actually see the Captain sweat.
7) When in doubt, stay out to sea. No one has ever gone aground on a wave.
8) A "good" return to your slip is one you can walk away from. A "great" return is one after which you can use the boat again.
9) Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all by yourself.
10) You know you have hit the dock too hard if it takes all of your bilge pumps running at full power for you to step on the dock.
11) The probability of a boat's survival during docking is inversely proportional to the speed of arrival. High speed arrivals, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12) Never let the boat take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13) Stay away from clouds. The silver lining everyone talks about might be a hailstorm. Reliable sources also report that lightning has been known to hide out in clouds.
14) Always try to keep the number of departures you make from your slip equal to the number of returns you've made.
15) There are three simple rules for making a smooth return to your slip. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16) Catamarans don't float; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
17) If all you can see out of the cabin window is water that's going round and round, and all you can hear is commotion coming from the cockpit, things are not at all as they should be.
18) In the ongoing battle between objects made of fiberglass going tens of miles per hour and the shore going zero miles per hour, the shore has yet to lose.
19) Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
20) It is generally a good idea to keep the pointy end of the boat going forward as much as possible.
21) Keep looking around. There is always something you've missed.
22) Remember, buoyancy is not just a good idea, it's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

grinderman

10-28-2004, 09:52 AM

Questions that really need answers...

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out."?

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme ****, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on.........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first place?

bill

10-28-2004, 12:39 PM

As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has Moe's Towing Company on speed dial.

The jumper cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.

The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.

The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.

You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.

As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in.

When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you go by, it silently
falls in behind you.

The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "Me Again."

Galveston Yankee

10-28-2004, 05:46 PM

Constipated People Don't Give A ****.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The
Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... (Seen
Upside Down On A Jeep)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also
Timed For 70mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service.
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits
He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In
Touch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Proctologist Called.... He Found Your head!!!

Blue Water Ho

10-28-2004, 05:50 PM

Or one of my favs. Spandex is a privlage not a right ............................later,Dave

redheadhunter2004

10-28-2004, 10:16 PM

How about Keep Honking I am reloading

Blue Water Ho

10-28-2004, 10:48 PM

Or Im not tailgating Im drafting......................................late r,Dave

Zach

10-29-2004, 09:51 PM

You've been standing in a grocery store line-up for at least 10 minutes, you're next in line and a cashier opens up a line. Inevitably, all the people in the line behind you run over to the new line and get served before you do.

The boss calls you on his speakerphone.

You buy a new pair of shoes that fit perfectly in the shoe store but start to rub and cause blisters on your feet the moment you actually start wearing them.

Someone 90 years old is doing 30 mph on the expressway in the passing lane.
You ride there tail and they can't see you. You blast your horn and they can't hear you.

What's worse than a cold toilet seat? A warm toilet seat. There's only one way short of magic it could have gotten warm. At first, you're almost thankful it's warm, then you get to thinking... this is the result of another person's arses-warmth.

-JAW-

10-31-2004, 06:31 PM

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."

Snagged

10-31-2004, 06:52 PM

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a
mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the
rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Snagged

11-01-2004, 08:14 PM

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[ what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean duct tape comes in red now?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough the first time?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[that's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[definitely worthy of a headline!]

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[that was really giving of himself!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[TexasChainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[boy, are they tall!]

And the winner....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[I certainly hope so!]

Galveston Yankee

11-03-2004, 10:35 AM

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried before.

bill

11-05-2004, 05:10 PM

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear"the rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don 't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Snagged

11-05-2004, 10:04 PM

TOP TEN REASONS GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. A below par performance is considered good.

9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of

beers.

8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

7. Foursomes are encouraged.

6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

5. Three times a day is possible.

4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

and best of all....

1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

Texas T

11-14-2004, 11:28 AM

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress -- $5000. Tux rental -- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood-all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes. One color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, cigar in one hand, favorite beverage in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, " WOO HOO- What a Ride!"

Aunt Joyce

11-16-2004, 10:42 AM

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down and wait your turn. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he carefully stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Galveston Yankee

11-19-2004, 09:47 AM

We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be hip. The following combinations DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, go together and thus should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts/tops and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short-shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker

13. Thongs and Depends!

Please keep these basic guidelines in mind first and foremost when shopping for acceptable dress!!

Thank you.

Snagged

11-19-2004, 03:14 PM

School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling. collected by schools from all over the country:

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre. (dyrea. (direathe. the runs. [words in (.'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Galveston Yankee

11-24-2004, 12:25 PM

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

_____________

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

______________

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLIE: Me!

______________

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

______________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SAM: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.

_______________

TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

______________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PUPIL: A teacher,

rjohnson107

11-24-2004, 10:27 PM

25 Signs of Growing Up
Useful info?

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those **** kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Snagged

11-26-2004, 08:58 PM

Here is a selection of the questions posed in 1898.

GEOGRAPHY

1. On the outline map provided, mark the position of Carlisle, Canterbury, Plymouth, Hull, Gloucester, Swansea, Southampton, Worcester, Leeds, Leicester and Norwich; Morecambe Bay, The Wash, Solent, Menai Straits and Lyme Bay; St Bees Head, The Naze, Lizard Point; the rivers Trent and Severn; Whernside, the North Downs, and Plinlimmon, and state on a separate paper what the towns named above are noted for.

2. Where are silver, platinum, tin, wool, wheat, palm oil, furs and cacao got from?

3. Name the conditions upon which the climate of a country depends, and explain the reason of any one of them.

4. Name the British possessions in America with the chief town in each. Which is the most important?

5. Where are Omdurman, Wai-Hei-Wai, Crete, Santiago, and West Key, and what are they noted for?

ENGLISH GRAMMAR

1. Write out in your best handwriting:

O Mary, go and call the cattle home,

And call the cattle home,

And call the cattle home,

Across the sands o' Dee.'

The western wind was wild and dank with foam,

And all alone went she.

The western tide crept up along the sand,

And o'er and o'er the sand,

And round and round the sand,

As far as eye could see.

The rolling mist came down and hid the land -

And never home came she.

2. Parse fully `And call the cattle home.'

3. Explain the meaning of o' Dee, dank with foam, western tide, round and round the sand, the rolling mist.

4. Write out separately the simple sentences in the last two lines of the above passage and analyse them.

5. Write out what you consider to be the meaning of the above passage.

LATIN

1. Write in columns the nominative singular, genitive plural, gender, and meaning of: operibus, principe, imperatori, genere, apro, nivem, vires, frondi, muri.

2. Give the comparative of noxius, acer, male, diu; the superlative of piger, humilis, fortiter, multum; the English and genitive sing. of solus, uter, quisque.

3. Write these phrases in a column and put opposite to each its Latin: he will go; he may wish; he had; he had been; he will be heard; and give in a column the English of fore, amatum, regendus, monetor.

4. Give in columns the perfect Indic. and active supine of ago, pono, dono, cedo, jungo, claudo.

Mention one example each of verbs followed by the nominative, the accusative, the genitive, the dative, the ablative.

5. Translate into Latin:

The general's little son was loved by the soldiers.

Let no bodies be buried within this city.

Ask Tullius who found the lions.

He said that the city had been taken, and, the war being finished, the forces would return.

6. Translate into English:

Exceptus est imperatoris adventus incredibili honore atque amore: tum primum enim veniebat ab illo Aegypti bello. Nihil relinquebatur quod ad ornatum locorum omnium qua iturus erat excogitari posset.

ENGLISH HISTORY

1. What kings of England began to reign in the years 871, 1135, 1216, 1377, 1422, 1509, 1625, 1685, 1727, 1830?

2. Give some account of Egbert, William II, Richard III, Robert Blake, Lord Nelson.

3. State what you know of - Henry II's quarrel with Becket, the taking of Calais by Edward III, the attempt to make Lady Jane Grey queen, the trial of the Seven bishops, the Gordon riots.

4. What important results followed - the raising of the siege of Orleans, the Gunpowder plot, the Scottish rebellion of 1639, the surrender at Yorktown, the battles of Bannockburn, Bosworth, Ethandune, La Hogue, Plassey, and Vittoria?
5. How are the following persons connected with English History, - Harold Hardrada, Saladin, James IV of Scotland, Philip II of Spain, Frederick the Elector Palatine?" target="_blank">A Victorian exam paper has shown just how much testing of 11-year-olds has changed.

-JAW-

11-29-2004, 12:22 PM

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one balding elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "Miss Pam's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

************************************************** ********

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

********************************

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

**********************************************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says... "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

************************************************** *****

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Galveston Yankee

11-30-2004, 05:49 PM

Why caddies are no longer used at most golf courses!

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course," Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course sir, we left that an hour ago"

Golfer: "Well Caddy, How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes sir, you miss the ball much closer than you used to.

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!" Caddy: "This isn't a watch sir, it's a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play sir, it's a crime any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Judge in the courtroom: "Do you understand the nature of an oath?"
Boy on the stand: "Do I! I'm your caddie. Remember?"

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence.

Galveston Yankee

12-03-2004, 09:29 AM

I don't know if I've posted this before, but, even if I have, it's worth repeating.

This is from a person who had been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. This is why we're in
trouble!

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to
Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the
passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying
to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without
trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response...

(click).

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said
he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,
"Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to
see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so
close on the map."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got
into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an
hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time
zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your
physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked
in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT), and I'm
overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute
while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained
the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper
to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do
I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to
which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these
darn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do
I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she
meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double
checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told
him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every
time they have accepted my American Express!"

These are the people who run our country!! Be careful out there!!

pelican

12-03-2004, 10:32 AM

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

MEGABITE

12-03-2004, 06:13 PM

HE: "Would you like to dance?"
SHE: (looking him up and down) "Not with you!"
HE: "You must've misunderstood me, I SAID you look fat in those pants."

heheheh

-JAW-

12-07-2004, 01:22 PM

A Homeowner's Glossary

"He's out in the field"
The field is a place out there, where whomever you need to talk to is whenever you need him. There are cell phones in the field, but those phones can only make calls, not receive calls.

"Standard hourly rate"
This is the amount you agreed to pay for the work, multiplied by a number. The relationship between the hourly rate and your cost is best understood by studying charts of how tomato prices influence the Academy Awards.

"Time and materials"
This is a method of calculating the cost of a job that offers variable advantages over the old simplistic, one-dimensional total cost method. Time is an abstract concept that relates to speed, which Einstein proved relates to matter, which is mostly material. Therefore the cost of your project = mc2.

"4 to 6 weeks"
This is industry standard for how long it takes to get something you need immediately. There are no parts here in one of the largest metro areas of the United States. You can order a shirt from Honolulu or crockpot from Maine on Tuesday and UPS will have both at your door before Friday, but parts are different. Parts are brought in a special truck that only runs once a month. It makes many stops on the way, and nobody knows where it is, or when it will arrive, until it arrives.

"Not in yet. I'll call you when we get it."
This means that the truck with what you need has not arrived. Alternate meanings: Francine may not have placed the order yet, Bubba hasn't opened the box yet, or you are Bobby Joe's customer and he's out in the field.

"Professional, reliable, or dependable"
These words precede terms such as Plumbing, Electrical, or Air Conditioning in company names. These names are randomly assigned by the state to differentiate one company from the others, or were painted on the truck when they bought it.

"Tomorrow"
Not today. (See "Soon")

"Problem"
This is a complex technical situation or condition that, in simple terms, means more money and more time. The details are far above your level of understanding, but the solution involves special Parts (see "4 to 6 weeks") or another tradesman (see "I know a guy").

"Soon"
Not today. (See "Tomorrow")

"I know a guy."
Your guy knows guys you don't know who can do things you can't do and he can't do, but he can get them to do what you need that your guy can't do. The guy your guy knows is probably available because he had a big job that was inished just yesterday. (See "Standard Hourly Rate" multiplied by two; see also "He's out in the field".)

"Let me show you something"
This is the preamble to a Problem which is a preamble to "4 to 6 weeks", "Time and materials" and "I know a guy."

I hope this glossary is helpful to you, and if you have any additional questions about the specialized terminology, I know a guy who can help you with that. (See "He's out in the field.")

Snagged

12-07-2004, 10:46 PM

Answers from L.A. County ADC (aid for dependent children) questionnaires.These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out number 11...........it takes the prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Galveston Yankee

12-09-2004, 04:24 PM

Snagged

12-10-2004, 05:42 PM

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

-JAW-

12-11-2004, 03:36 PM

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes" ---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." ---General Norman Schwartzkopf

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France;
and...
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P. J. O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." ---John McCain

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." ---Conan O'Brien

The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." ---Regis Philbin

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." ---David Letterman

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ---Marge Simpson

French Army tanks have five gears: four in reverse, and one forward (in case the enemy attacks from the rear).

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.

Paris - April 8, 2004 - French Interior Minister Jean-Pierre Lafontaine announced today that, due to the recent terrorist bombings in Spain, France's Terror Alert Level has been raised from "Run" to "Hide."
Mr. Lafontaine further added that if the bombings continue, the Terror Alert Level would be increased to "Surrender and collaborate."

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Q: Do you remember the great French military defeat?
A: It was the French Civil war, France surrendered twice.

Q. What's the similarity between a french women and a bungee jump?
A. They're both Cheap, Fast - And if that rubber breaks your dead!

Q: Why are there so many trees in & around Paris?
A: Because French men don't like to walk very far to a take a leak.

Q: How do you sink a French aircraft carrier?
A: Launch it at high tide.

Q: What's darker than a French whore's armpit?
A: Nothing.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburnt armpits!!

The french government advised its citizens to seek relief from the summer heat wave by taking a cold shower or bath.
Tragedy struck as thousands learned that in most French homes the plumbing to these fixtures had never been connected.

Q: What is the difference between a Frenchwoman and a basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it

Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Frenchman, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up."
The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son."
"I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the French kid."

(Copied and edited for archiving)

gundoctor

12-13-2004, 04:49 PM

You might be a redneck if. . .

It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God. . ."

You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You bow your head when someone prays.

You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You've never burned an American flag.

You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the
core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand
before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks
to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of.
I hope I am one of them.

If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends.

-JAW-

12-14-2004, 03:49 PM

Some old, some new. There are a couple that have real charm.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeller effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a-hole

pelican

12-17-2004, 02:59 PM

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He has delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." - James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

-JAW-

12-18-2004, 05:38 PM

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay and the day before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

-JAW-

12-25-2004, 12:45 PM

When I was young we were poor. We didn't have a Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump.

When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.

Christmas is a time when people get emotional over family ties, particularly if they have to wear them.

I remember my dad was shopping in a toy store. He said, "That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it."
The Clerk said, "Great, I'm sure your son will love it."
Dad said, "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."

Q: Why does Santa wear pink underwear?
A: He's a man. He did all his laundry in the one load.

Q: What do you call Santa's Helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when to stop unwrapping.

Snagged

12-25-2004, 01:19 PM

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder
of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first
graders, but there are some good ones, nonetheless, and their insight may
surprise you.

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ..............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before................Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of...............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but................how?
Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty.
No news is.....................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.....................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll............stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................................me.
The pen is mightier than the.................pigs.
An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's......................pollution.
Happy the bride who......................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's..................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow
your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed..................get new batteries.
When the blind leadeth the blind..................get out of the way.
And the favorite:
Better late than..............................pregnant.

Bobby

12-28-2004, 10:55 PM

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____________________________

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____________________________________

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
______________________________________________

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____________________________________

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
___________________________________

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
____________________________

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
______________________________________

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____________________________

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
______________________________

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
__________________________________

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
____________________________

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
______________________________________

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_________________________________

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
___________________________________

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
________________________________________

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
__________________________________________

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
____________________________________

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
______________________________________________

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,
"Bless her heart" and go your own way.
______________________________

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
___________________________________________

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
___________________________________

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."
___________________________________________

Bless your hearts, ya'll have a blessed day.

Brewgod

01-05-2005, 10:47 AM

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

-JAW-

01-07-2005, 05:57 PM

1. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

2. A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it through an aviator.

3. Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

4. Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.

5. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

6. Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

7. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.

8. In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

9. When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

10. One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.

11. For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the victim is dead.

12. A monsoon is a French gentleman.

13. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

14. To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

15. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

16. Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

17. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

18. The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

19. You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Bobby

01-07-2005, 11:13 PM

CLUES WHEN A WOMAN SHOULD CALL IT A NIGHT...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's *** and honestly
believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye
Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor (which I'm eating even
though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep
them
half closed and think it looks exotically
sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG
WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)
and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on
the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having
problems walking straight.

21. I start believing that everyone in the room wants to see my boobs.

pelican

01-14-2005, 01:06 PM

10 Reasons To Give When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. They told me at the Blood Bank that this may happen.

9. This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about at the management
course that you sent me to.

8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably got here just
in time!

7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and was
envisioning a new business strategy.

6. I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?

4. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle
that big accounting problem.

3. Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear real close?

2. Who put decaf in the wrong pot?

and the Number One response

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen".

-JAW-

01-15-2005, 03:00 PM

These are funny whether true or not. :)

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people, we're not picking out furniture here,
find a seat and get in it!"
------------------------
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
------------------------
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
------------------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
-----------------------
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---------------------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
-------------------------
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as he11 everything has shifted."
-----------------------
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---------------------
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorites."
-----------------------
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
------------------------
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
-----------------------
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
---------------------------
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. . . Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
-----------------------------
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
------------------------------
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---------------------
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us the rest of the way to the terminal."
---------------------
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said thst, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
------------------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
------------------
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
---------------
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is out on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
----------------
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles, The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. . . OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled back, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Bobby

01-17-2005, 10:03 PM

ROFFNAR
Rolling On The Floor For No Apparent Reason

ROFLAHMS
Rolling On the Floor Laughing And Holding My Sides

ROFLASTC
Rolling On the Floor Laughing And Scaring The Cat (or ROFLASTD = The Dog)

ROFLSTCIIHO
Rolling On The Floor Laughing Scaring The Cat If I Had One

ROFLMHOWTIME
Rolling On Floor Laughing My Head Off With Tears In My Eyes

ROFLASAOTP
Rolling On Floor Laughing And Spitting All Over The Place

ROFLHOLCCF
Rolling On Floor Laughing Hysterically Out Loud Collecting Cat Fur (or
ROFLHOLCDF = Dog Fur)

ROFLUTS
Rolling On Floor Laughing Unable to Speak

ROFLACGU
Rolling On Floor And Can't Get Up

ROFLMHOAY
Rolling On Floor Laughing My Head Off At You

ROFLSHIPMP
Rolling On Floor Laughing So Hard I Peed My Pants

ROFLAM
Rolling On Floor Laughing At Myself

Bobby

01-17-2005, 10:05 PM

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY.

Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Snagged

01-18-2005, 09:03 PM

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're a Californian if:

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . ....is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps, and you don't even notice.
13. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks' wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney, really IS George Clooney.
14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers you mail is into S & M and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
16. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
17. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
"STORM WATCH."
18. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
19. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with the cells or pagers.
20. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. . .
21. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
22. Both you AND your dog have therapists . . . and lastly,
23. The Terminator is your governor.

Snagged

01-18-2005, 09:08 PM

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most

people die of natural causes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are

removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it

comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a

replacement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is sexually transmitted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool

who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person

to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,

but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the

stairs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals

dying of nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one

talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no

attention to criticism.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a

substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the

world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have

come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the

first.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes

a whole box to start a campfire?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these

terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around

on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now,

compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and

those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of

immigration

-JAW-

01-20-2005, 04:01 PM

Perks of being over 60...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

-JAW-

01-22-2005, 03:12 PM

IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun **** in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at?
It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees?
Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re just like Americans, but without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow.
Your women can shave if they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s a Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Wasn't John Wayne gay?”

TXPalerider

01-27-2005, 12:54 PM

Top Three Smart *** Answers of 2004

Smart *** Answer #3:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she
said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart *** Answer #2:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No
ma'am,they're dead."

AND NOW........FOR .THE.......... #1 SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR
2004........................
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!" A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand
and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is
reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the
teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly
says.........

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

#1 was funny...I don't care who you are.

Bobby

01-30-2005, 09:01 PM

Things I Have Learned About Texas:

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a
couple no one's seen before.
Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are
ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
The wind blows at 90 mph from October 2 until June 25, then it stops
totally until October 2.
Onced and twiced are words.
People actually grow and eat okra.
Green grass DOES burn.
When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog.City people
drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first
couple of weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to
the doctor.
Fix-in-to is one word.
A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation,
watterin' the cows, or swimming.
There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then
there's supper.
Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're
two.
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

More Texanisms:
You know you're from Texas if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one
in it, no matter what time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
(Note: in the portion above "fix-in-to" is one word......)
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain,
insect or animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
11. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
12. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
13. The local papers covers national and international news on one
page but requires six pages for local gossip and sports.
14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
16. You find 100 degrees F "a little warm."
17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer,still summer, and
Christmas.
18. You know whether another Texan is from east,west, north or
south Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
19. There is a Braums in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
20. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin
wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."
21. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili
weather.
22. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop..it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor.
23. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from
Texas.
Always remember you're unique--just like everybody else.

Snagged

01-31-2005, 09:47 PM

http://www.singingman.us/DYR.htm

andmar

02-01-2005, 02:39 PM

Nobody asked for them, but here are some little known Texas facts. I know y'all just can't wait to read 'em!

Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles

Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles

El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas

World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883.

The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.

The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach for Rice University in Houston.

Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.

Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 and caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.

The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."

King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island

Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.

Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.)

A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.

Texas has had six capital cities:
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin

The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).

The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.

The State animal is the Armadillo. An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg which splits into four and they either have four males or four females.

The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE
People here in Texas have trouble with all those shalls and shall nots in the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language: Ten Commandments, cowboy style.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?
Y'all have a good Day.

IseeSpots

02-02-2005, 09:58 AM

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage. . . "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time". A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this!"

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

foulhooked

02-02-2005, 04:43 PM

World's Thinnest Books

~~@~~

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

Captain Spike

02-02-2005, 05:31 PM

I used to be an officer in the british army so I can confirm the truth of this story..........

During the peninsular wars between England and France during the 17th century a british officer was captured. His french captors asked him the question "why do you english officers wear red jackets when it makes you so easy to see and for our marksmen to shoot you"

The englishman drew on his cigarette and explained that the reason that british officers wore red jackets was that so that if they were wounded the blood stains wouldn't show and the men wouldn't panic because their leader was wounded. After a pause for thought he added "In fact that's exactly the same reason that french officers wear brown trousers..........."

To this day french army officers wear brown trousers (it's true).

Spike

stargazer

02-08-2005, 08:54 AM

12 Reasons to Love Kids

1. NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2. HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

3. OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

4. KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

5. MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

6. POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" " Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

7. POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

8. ELDERLY

While wo rking for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

9. DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

10. DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5 -year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather,and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

11. SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

12. BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Snagged

02-10-2005, 04:57 PM

*Martha's Way*

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine's Way *

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Celery? Never heard of it!

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine???????????

HELLO !!!!!!!

pelican

02-16-2005, 09:51 AM

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

-JAW-

02-18-2005, 08:19 AM

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

-JAW-

02-21-2005, 12:42 PM

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus, reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

8. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. f it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40; if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

The five (5) most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are:

1. "I apologize," and "You are right."

2. Remember; Everyone seems normal until you get to know them!

3. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty!

4. If you woke up breathing, Congratulations! You get another chance.

5. And finally, be nice to your family and friends, you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan!

-JAW-

02-23-2005, 12:27 PM

1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says, "Sorry, sir. Only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.He replies, "They're twins, for Pete sake.
If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal."

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ....what? (This is so bad it's good...)--a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Bay Gal

02-24-2005, 10:44 PM

THis may be a repeat, but it is still cute!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

-JAW-

02-26-2005, 01:15 PM

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let u s remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Used Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************

-JAW-

02-28-2005, 06:27 PM

TO GOD - FROM THE DOG:

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember - to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.. neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last question . . .

Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Snagged

03-03-2005, 08:54 AM

"Other than the fact that there's no beer, an early curfew and women that wear face coverings for a very good reason, Kabul is really a wonderful place to visit." LTC (CENTCOM)

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM)

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Marine Col (MARFOREUR)

"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)

"After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a EUCOM watch." Maj (EUCOM)

"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)

"Nothing is too good for you guys...and that's exactly what you're gonna get..." LTC (EUCOM) describing the way Army policy is formulated.

"I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I am captured and fall into enemy hands!" GO/FO (CENTCOM)

"Does anybody around here remember if I did anything this year?" LTC (EUCOM) preparing his Officer Evaluation Report support form.

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity." LTC (CENTCOM)

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building.

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in "fat chance..."" GS-15 (SHAPE)

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ(EUCOM)

"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR)

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM)

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned butt dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command.

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation.

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM)

At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, ...well, ...way too much...

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of ****** off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building.

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vs. sea.

"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(S) develops and implements their strategies

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits.." LCDR (NAVEUR)

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan.

"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it." LTC (EUCOM)

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."

"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference.

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer" MAJ (EUCOM)

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR (CENTCOM)

"I've become the master of nodding my head and acting like give a ****, and then instantly forgetting what the hell a person was saying the moment they walk away." Flag-level Executive A$$istant

"You're not a loser. You're just not my kind of winner..." GS-14 (OSD)

"Why would an enemy want to bomb this place and end all the confusion?" GS-14 (EUCOM)

"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff..." "This should be a short conversation." LtCol to Lt Col (EUCOM)

"USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the US to the longest duration deployment in human history. When asked how they planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5 billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't have one yet, but not having a plan or an intelligent reason to do something has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it being a big show stopper for us in the future either."

"The only thing that sucks worse than being me is being you..." LTC (EUCOM)

"No. Now I'm simply confused at a higher level..." Foreign GO/FO when asked if he had any questions following a transformation brief at JFCOM.

"Is that a Navy or a Marine admiral?" MAJ (EUCOM)

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Snagged

03-03-2005, 12:27 PM

Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not, but they are all true!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. ****......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Galveston Yankee

03-07-2005, 10:38 AM

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire
when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The
bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the
area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously
never encountered automatic weapons."
-Gen.Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with
me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't
ever volunteer to do anything."
-U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an
ambush."
-Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

-JAW-

03-13-2005, 02:27 PM

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C” as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down their homes?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2002:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es. . .

gutbustinfunny

03-13-2005, 06:40 PM

1) You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
2) Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
3) You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
4) Your richest relative buys a new house -- and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
5) You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
6) Your family tree does not fork.
7) You've ever been too drunk to fish.
8) You've lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
9) You helped your cousin move his refrigerator -- and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
10) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

Keep laughing
Danny
www.gamesnjokes.com (http://www.gamesnjokes.com)

Snagged

03-14-2005, 02:54 PM

1. I don't do windows because .... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. (I am compassionate)

2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. (I am careful and poor)

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. (I am imaginative)

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own and my family loves spiders. (I am kind)

5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. (I am fair minded)

6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer. (I am courteous)

7. I don't put things away because ... my family will never be able to find them again. (I am considerate)

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". (I am trusting)

10. I don't stress much on anything because ... "A-Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!

pelican

03-15-2005, 04:41 PM

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all ...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?" :rotfl:

Bobby

03-15-2005, 10:27 PM

For everyone who has to work with the Public or any other User.......

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?"

Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):

"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up
the window to write the number on".

Computer Capers

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".

pelican

03-18-2005, 10:26 AM

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. The people at the desk recommended it. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman asked her, "Tell us, what do you think is the best part about being 104?"

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her lawyer she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales?" the lawyer exclaimed, "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me every week," she said.

Raymond, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Raymond walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The doctor took Ray aside and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Raymond replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful!'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art, it's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

At the senior center-- Friday night dance

A very elderly gentleman (nineties), very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into the "cocktail lounge" section at the senior center.

Seated at the bar is an attractive elderly looking lady (mid-eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Snagged

03-20-2005, 10:58 AM

Pilots & Traffic Controllers

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between
airline pilots and control towers around the world.
Remember that the conversations are heard by all
pilots on that frequency in that area.

*****
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only
expect one to know one's gate parking location, but
how to get there without any assistance from them. So
it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven."
The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to
a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it
was dark, -- And I didn't land."

*****
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of
a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a
wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US
Air crew, screaming, "US Air 2771, where the hell are
you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed
everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to!

You got that, US Air 2771?????????"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller
in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed
his microphone, asking: "Hey, Wasn't I married to you
once?"

*****

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the NOISE a 747 makes when
it hits a 727?"

*****

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long
takeoff queue:

"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"

*****

A student became lost during a solo cross-country
flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on
radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

*****

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If
you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway
101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."

*****

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a
priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter
was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was
number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut
down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded
seven-engine approach."

*****

Taxiing down the tarmac a DC-10 abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate. After an
hour-long wait it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us
a while to find a new pilot."

*****

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in
Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

*****

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw
some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've
already notified our caterers."

*****

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the
tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC- 8
landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the
radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8
parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."

Bandman

03-21-2005, 10:50 AM

Subject: You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic - and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no # 9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a # 9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.

--

pelican

03-22-2005, 03:14 PM

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's! the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Snagged

03-23-2005, 07:01 AM

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education, and incorporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course....

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

-JAW-

03-24-2005, 10:27 AM

How many message board posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

11 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

9 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

3 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

12 to flame the spell checkers.

4 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

16 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

4 to condemn those 16 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

10 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

5 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

41 to ask what is a "FAQ".

6 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

***

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

-JAW-

03-26-2005, 12:43 PM

Note: Although this is test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Patriots called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "You got three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is sneakily trying to discard his underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He refused to ask for directions.
C. He always liked camping and there was a lot of game to kill in the desert.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

-JAW-

04-03-2005, 01:56 PM

You know you're living in 2005 when. . .

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for six different managers.

10. You learn about your lay-off on the 10 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long- service awards.

And the real clinchers are...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no Number 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.
(Bet you all did this one!?!?!?)

:)

-JAW-

04-06-2005, 02:01 PM

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

RONALD REAGAN
There it goes again.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
Chicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of e-Chicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not have sexual relations with that chicken!!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken:
THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

medulla762

04-06-2005, 03:16 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possum that it could actually be done!...bwaaaahahaha...

Rockfish

04-07-2005, 04:59 PM

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: " Dr. Jones , at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you! Are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment"

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak

Bobby

04-07-2005, 05:56 PM

I really do love this country, but...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

-JAW-

04-08-2005, 01:29 PM

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing You to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

-JAW-

04-10-2005, 03:42 PM

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!

One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."

Bobby

04-24-2005, 10:52 PM

Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I know I'm supposed to back up my files, but I still haven't found reverse on my PC.
In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed
ISDN: I Still Don't Know
Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in

Bobby

04-24-2005, 11:06 PM

I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
Because the pheasant plucker's late.

I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit;
and on the slitted sheet I sit.

One smart fellow; he felt smart.
Two smart fellows; they felt smart.
Three smart fellows; they all felt smart.

I'm not the fig plucker,
Nor the fig pluckers' son,
But I'll pluck figs
Till the fig plucker comes.

Fire truck tyres

Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut punt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front.
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.

Six stick shifts stuck shut.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.

Flynm

04-25-2005, 04:09 PM

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles - take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

birdnester

04-26-2005, 02:43 AM

A big black bug bit a big black bear and the big black bear bled blood.

medulla762

04-26-2005, 09:24 AM

A skunk sat on a stump

The stump thunk the skunk stunk

And the skunk thunk the stump stunk

pelican

04-26-2005, 09:43 AM

:flag: Growing Up in a Small Town :flag:

If you grew up in a small town, you’ll get a few chuckles when you read this. Those who didn't … well, just trust me.

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.

2) You know what 4-H means.

3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday, you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #6.)

4) You used to "drag" Main.

5) You said the "F" word and your parents knew within the hour.

6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.)

8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.

9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your
buyer dropped off.

10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field.

13) The golf course had only 9 holes.

14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

16) The town next to you was considered "trashy" or "snooty," but was actually just like your town.

17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1965 as the "rich people.

18) The people in the "big city" dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.

19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the
town bar.

20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.

21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.

23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.

24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.

25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.

26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.

27) The closest McDonalds was 25 miles away (or more).

28) The closest mall was over an hour away.

29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

30) You've pee'd in a cornfield.

31) Most people went by a nickname.

32) You laughed your butt off reading this because you know it is true, and you forward it to everyone who may have lived in a small town.

================================================== ================

Well, those were from a friend … a few I remember:

33) You could get anywhere in town, on your bike, in 15 minutes or less.

34) No one locked their homes or cars … any stranger was obvious and watched closely.

35) The nearest picture show was actually up to 35 miles away. (There wasn't any stinky McDonalds).

36) We were supposed to be home by 10pm (in the summer), and no one had to worry about us being out in town late.

37) Most kids could drive by age 12 … but were 14 or 15 before they got to drive a car.

38) The local paper was mainly used to cut out articles for scrap books (or use “out” side the “house”) … everyone already knew the local news … national news you could get at the barber shop. No one much cared about world news.

Rine_Everett

04-26-2005, 01:45 PM

39) The population never changed because as soon as one of the high school girls was PG then a boy left town.

Saint51

04-26-2005, 05:42 PM

40) You would get bored, do something stupid and get shot at with rock salt. Or was that just me?

wan2bfishin

04-26-2005, 07:44 PM

41) You've had your house TP'd and didn't think of calling the cops because everyone knew who did it!

Blue Water Ho

04-26-2005, 07:47 PM

42) Dary Queen is considered "Going to dinner"

pelican

04-26-2005, 07:53 PM

39) The population never changed because as soon as one of the high school girls was PG then a boy left town.
LMAO, REV ...

Chaz

04-26-2005, 07:54 PM

43) If you got caught drag-racing past the police station at 3 am with your best friend, the police chief took both of you home and forbid you to date his daughter...for a week.

surffan

04-26-2005, 09:47 PM

Some of this is close to the the truth but only a little close somebody never grew up in a small town in East Texas.

hunting dog

04-27-2005, 03:30 PM

we had a seinor class of 28 people. Grad night we all climbed the water tower any put our names on it. We got caught LOL. DAAAAA A little drunk i might say.

1hunglower

04-28-2005, 02:13 PM

44) You get caught drinking beer in town and the cop follows you home and tells you he better not catch you back out tonight. Your parents already knew you were headed their way because they listened to the scanner for entertainment.

Snagged

04-28-2005, 09:52 PM

1. Two times a week, we go to nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and Companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds, hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."

10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?........" I said, "Dust."

Wildman

04-29-2005, 02:27 PM

45. You get drunk and decided to go mudding with all of your buddies. Someone buries their truck and everyone there ends up getting stuck trying to get them out because their truck is BAD ***. Then everyone ends up on the tailgates finishing off the beer waiting for Uncle so in so to bring the tractor.

Bobby

05-02-2005, 09:54 PM

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car
behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a
blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused
me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision
and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a
different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been
struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a
vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base
to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it
rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the claim.

stevied

05-03-2005, 11:56 PM

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....

I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point

at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire

room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and

change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it

too".

**** right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look".

Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after

you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

Gonna Kick their arse!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".

No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damned

floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"....

Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.

Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.

If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short".

What the hey?? Life is the longest **** thing anyone ever does!! What

can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?"

If the bus came would I be standing here, dumarse?

Galveston Yankee

05-05-2005, 09:56 AM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted either.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with men. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ***...then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday....... around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Galveston Yankee

05-05-2005, 07:07 PM

1. My husband and I were divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t!

2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive

7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I’m not a complete idiot – some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes

12. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many of them

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: that annoying between snaps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

19. Procrastinate now

20. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park somewhere else

24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up 3,000 times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don’t know what is going on…

Bobby

05-08-2005, 12:30 PM

JACK (3) was watching his mom breast feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot
and one for cold milk?"

STEVEN (3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
window."

BRITTANY (4) had earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom
explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know
it's me?"

SUSAN (4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "it makes my teeth
cough."

DANI (4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen
with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but
his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and
then asked: "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

Flynm

05-10-2005, 04:19 PM

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never
be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !

Castaway Kay

05-14-2005, 01:58 AM

THE JOYS OF HAVING BOYS

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas. . .
Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke -- lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

26.) a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical.
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control!

-JAW-

05-15-2005, 01:28 PM

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

-JAW-

05-17-2005, 01:53 PM

Office Vocabulary

Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Seagull manager:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh_ts over everything, then leaves.

Salmon day:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM:
"Career Limiting Move". Used amongst microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss whilst he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB: Career Limiting Behavior.)

Adminisphere:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Flight risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404: Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . he's 404, man."

Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the cr@p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

A$smosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BIGSTICK

05-17-2005, 04:45 PM

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were
asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got
together to compare the results and put together some of the comments
that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The
kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown,
like my brother did last summer.
(David age 7)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head. (Billy
age 6)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better
off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy
age 8)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My Mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in
the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy
friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen
inside. (Emma age 8)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of
sailors. (Valerie age 6)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her
fanny. (Julie age 7)

Strength & Honor,

-JAW-

05-21-2005, 10:31 PM

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

5. Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Laurel, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Laurel replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. ><)))°<

11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

-JAW-

05-22-2005, 07:19 PM

Who understands men?

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy an NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW .... they think women are hard to understand!

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with!

pelican

05-27-2005, 10:00 AM

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ."
************************************************** ********

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
************************************************** ********

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
************************************************** ********

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
************************************************** ********

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
************************************************** ********

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
************************************************** ********

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

-JAW-

05-29-2005, 10:09 PM

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just ********.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important jerks just never go away.

-JAW-

06-02-2005, 06:45 PM

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

If electricity comes from electrons. . . does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? How about Quasimodo?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

-JAW-

06-05-2005, 01:44 PM

It's tough to be a man!

Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy ... and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive b@$tard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form in frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're not worth the effort it takes.

If you try to keep yourself in shape and well groomed, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're guilty of something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you're not, you're an underachiever.

If she has a headache, it's just a headache..
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want love too often, you're oversexed.
if you don't want love enough, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!

Flynm

06-07-2005, 10:26 AM

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. (One of my favorites.....)

9 Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot - Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

17. Being "Over the Hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

-JAW-

06-08-2005, 03:20 PM

You have ever spent the better part of a year on logging company land, sitting in a tree that you have named Anastasia.

You think that "Condaleeza Rice" is a brand of soy milk.

You read the stars or runes more than you read the newspaper.

You are white but you wish that you were Native American so that you could refer to yourself as something like “Blue Squirrel” or “Singing Crow”.

Your vehicle has a "lick 'em & stick 'em" paint job and window treatments.

You honestly believe that our conservative Republican President is going to call our boys back from their honorable duty just because you go on a hunger strike.

The most informative periodical you own is called "High Times".

You are white and you have dreadlocks.

You are a female and you have man hair.

Your dog's collar consists of mystical beads that you think communicate with him/her better than you do. . . and it's pretty much safe to say that.

Your normal conversational meter and tone has any resemblance whatsoever to any Bob Dylan song.

You think that "Hanging Chad" was a free-love, peace-preaching political figure that was lynched on his way to Washington.

Your idea of keeping yourself "informed" is making sure that you know when and where the next Rainbow Festival is.

You exercise your "voice of freedom" by burning the American flag instead of filling out a voter's ballot.

-JAW-

06-09-2005, 11:33 AM

Why Men Are Just Happier People!

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

-JAW-

06-12-2005, 03:37 PM

Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the usual suspects for a lineup; suddenly, the Texas A&M suspect stepped forward and screamed "That's her!!"

Q: How do you get an Aggie out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: What's delaying the Texas A&M space program?
A: Development of a working match.

Texas A&M knock-knock joke:
First Aggie: Knock-Knock!
Second Aggie: Come in!

Q: Did you hear about the Aggie that locked his keys in his car?
A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his girlfriend out.

Q: What did the Aggie mother say when her daughter announced that she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"

An Aggie gets a summer job painting the lines on the road. On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was. The Aggie replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk further and further to get back to the paint bucket."

Knock, Knock?
Who's there?
Aggie burglar.

Q: What does it say on the bottom of a Coke bottle on the Texas A&M campus?
A: Open other end.

Q: What do you call an Aggie with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.

Did you hear the one about the Aggie terrorist who burned his lips on the tailpipe of bus he was told to blow up?

You may recall that Aggie jokes and Cajun jokes used to run about equal numbers, but lately Aggie jokes predominate. This is because both sides grew tired of being denigrated and decided to have a game of football to see who should get all the jokes - loser to take on the jokes.
The game was held, and was hard-fought. But it was a scoreless tie, so they went into sudden-death overtime. After about 5 minutes, a train passing nearby blew its whistle. The Aggies thought that was the end of the game and left the field. Three plays later, the Cajuns scored and won, thus making the Aggies take the jokes.

Q: How do you keep an Aggie in suspense?

;)

-JAW-

06-15-2005, 01:36 PM

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butt.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

-JAW-

06-25-2005, 01:53 PM

Q. How can you determine the age of the universe?
A. Cut it in half and count the rings.

Q. What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman?
A. The used car salesman knows when he's lying.

In the old west, a settler is watching an indian meeting. There is an old woman sitting on a hippopotamus hide, and two younger women sitting on other types of pelts. Everybody seems to be listening to the old woman, but paying only half as much attention to the younger ones. After a while the settler asks his indian guide why the older woman is treated with so much more respect. The guide answers "the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides."

Did you hear about the Aggie who was so stupid that the other Aggies noticed?

What did the Aggie mother say to her unwed, pregnant daughter?
"Look on the bright side, maybe it's not yours."

Why are most blonde jokes so short?
So Aggies can understand them.

How do you recognize an Aggie secretary?
She's the one with white-out on her computer screen.

In America they say "It's 10:30, do you know where your children are?"
In France they say "It's 10:30, do you know where your wife is?"
In Greece they say "It's 10:30, do you know where your husband is?"
In Italy they say "It's 10:30, do you know where your wallet is?"
In College Station they say "It's 10:30, do you know what time it is?"

Two Aggie cops find a dead elephant on Goethe street. One starts writing it up, but can't spell Goethe, he says "hey, how do yous spell da name of dis street?" "I dunno" says the other cop, "lets drag it over to Clark street and write it up there."

-JAW-

07-03-2005, 03:19 PM

Never explain - Your friends do not need it, and your enemies will not believe it anyway.

It's not so much if you pick your nose, it's where you put the boogers.

Reality is that which does not cease to exist when you stop believing in it.

A wise man knows everything, a shrewd man knows everyone.

-JAW-

07-04-2005, 02:38 PM

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Potato.

How many Aggies does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to hold the bulb and three to turn the ladder.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the bulb must want to be changed.

How many software engineers are required to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.

How many computer salespeople does it take to change a light bulb?
They'll have to get back to you on that.

How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to do it the first time, then another to do it right.

How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Six with breaks, you got a problem with that?!?

How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb, and hundreds of others to take credit.

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE!

Q. How man feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 100, 1/3 to change the bulb, 1/3 to discuss how the bulb is victimizing the socket, and 1/3 to secretly fantasize about being the socket.

Q. How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but the soonest he can do it is in two months.

Brady Bunch

07-14-2005, 06:24 PM

To know what it was like for us who are of the age that didnt have the luxuries of today.

1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but
we weren't overweight because

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

-JAW-

07-16-2005, 01:29 PM

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Dad's New Wife Timothy"

"Pop! Goes The Hamster. . . And Other Great Microwave Games"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Become Friends"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

Bobby

07-18-2005, 08:20 PM

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive
solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on
the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... ..Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

Bobby

07-24-2005, 08:23 PM

Q: Why did the doctor make a house call?
A: To check on its window panes.

Q: Why did the quartz break up with the slate?
A: Because it was taking it for granite.

Q: Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: They're always bitter.

Q: What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
A: Lefty!

Q: Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils!

Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming Catholic.

Q: What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?
A: The jeweller sells watches and the jailer watches cells.

Q: When do cannibals leave the table?
A: When everyone's eaten.

Q: What's a King's favourite clothing?
A: A reign coat.

Q: How can you tell if a wolf is blonde?
A: It's chewed off three legs....the remaining leg is still in the trap.

Q: What kind of tea does a camel drink?
A: Camel-mile

Q: Would Little Miss Muffet share her curds?
A: No whey.

Q: Why did the priest giggle?
A: Mass hysteria.

Q: What do call an actor who beats up people?
A: Gary Abusive.

Q: Did you hear about the trampoline acrobat who became a private eye detective?
A: She wasn't too good. She kept jumping to conclusions.

Q: Why did the baker hurl an insult at the bread dough?
A: To get a rise out of it.

Q: Why did the boy put lipstick on before class started?
A: They were having a makeup exam.

Q: What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their baby girl?
A: Patty.

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.

Q: Why do sailors break up with their girlfriends?
A: They drift apart.

Q: What do Hawaiian cows wear?
A: Moo Moos.

Q: Where do books sleep?
A: Under their covers

Q: Why did the police talk to the burrito?
A: So it would spill the beans.

Q: What is the difference between the sun and a loaf of bread?
A: One arises in the east, the other rises from the yeast.

Q: Why did the teacher ties the student's shoelaces together?
A: So they could go on a class trip.

Q: What did the judge say when a skunk wandered into the courtroom?
A: Odour in the court!

Q: Who takes longer to get ready for a trip-an elephant or a rooster?
A: The elephant. He has to pack a trunk while the rooster only takes his comb.

Q: How did the boy Snake greet the Girl Snake on their date?
A: With just a little hiss.

Q: Why did the tire have a nervous breakdown?
A: It couldn't handle the pressure

Q: What are dog biscuits made from?
A: Collie flour

Q: What would happen if Satan lost his hair?
A: There would be hell toupee.

Q: Why did the spider go to the computer?
A: To check his web site.

Q: What has two horns and goes, "Oom, Oom?"
A: A cow walking backwards.

Q: What did the salt say to the pepper?
A: "Hey, what's shaking?"

Q: What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
A: Sir Render

Q: Did you hear about the robbery in the laundry room?
A: Two clothes pegs held up a pair of pants.

Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
A: He was getting the latest scoop.

Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A: He felt funny.

Q: How do mountains hear?
A: With mountaineers.

Q: Why did the kid bring scissors to school?
A: So he could cut class.

Q: What did Adam say to Eve when she tried to order him around?
A: "Hey! I wear the plants in this family!"

Q: Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic?
A: He didn't believe in dog.

Q: What do you get when you bless an avocado?
A: Holy guacamole.

Q: What sort of attire is most appropriate for dog scientists and researchers to wear?
A: Lab coats

Q: How do geologists like their drinks?
A: On the rocks.

Q: What do frogs like to drink?
A: Croak-a-Cola.

Q: Why didn't the explorer go on the Arctic exposition?
A: Because he had cold feet.

Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: Where's my popcorn?

Q: Why didn't the skunk call his parents?
A: Because his phone was out of odour!

Q: Why did the Amish wife apply for a divorce?
A: Her husband was driving her buggy.

Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It whined.

Q: Why was the queen's room flooded?
A: Because she's reigned for many years!

Q: Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
A: So he could see how long he slept.

Q: Why did the angry lady put a firecracker under the pancakes?
A: She wanted to blow her stack

Q: What kind of room has no doors, windows, walls, floor or ceiling?
A: A mushroom.

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over-swept.

Q: Where do books eat dinner?
A: At the table of contents

Q: How does a fairy tale character pay their bills?
A: With a reality check.

Q: What do you call spiders that have just been married?
A: Newlywebs!

Q: What's an eight letter word that has only one letter in it?
A: An envelope!

Q: Why are pianos so noble?
A: Many are upright and the rest are grand.

Q: What do you call a train that performs ballet?
A: A tutu train

Q: What drink can you find in space?
A: A root beer float.

Q: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
A: At a baa-baa shop.

Q: What do you call an Irishman who is continuously bouncing off of the walls?
A: Rick O'Shea

Q: How do you get an Irishman to climb on the roof?
A: Tell him that the drinks are on the house

Q: What do you call a sleeping male cow?
A: A bull-dozer.

Q: Where do you go to get a small soda?
A: To Minnesota

Q: Why did the diner refuse to eat snails?
A: He only eats fast food

Q: Why did the window cry?
A: Because it had a pane

Q: What does a caterpillar do on New Year's Day?
A: Turns over a new leaf.

Q: What is a fund for needy musicians?
A: A band aid

Q: Why did the laptop computer go to the orthodontist?
A: To improve its byte.

Q: How is an elephant and a tomato alike?
A: Neither one can ride a bike.

Q: What does a camel use to become invisible?
A: Camel-flage!

Q: Why should you never lie to an x-ray technician?
A: Because they can see right through you.t

Q: What did one knife say to the other knife?
A: "You're looking pretty sharp today."

Q: What do you call a flying skunk?
A: A smell-icopter.

Q: Why did they have a funeral for the frog?
A: Because he croaked.

Q: Why did the ox lose his job on the farm?
A: Because he couldn't take a yoke.

Q: What happens if you open your mouth during tornado?
A: You get a tongue-twister.

Q: Why couldn't the kindergarten teacher see in the dark?
A: She has tiny pupils.

Q: You ever hear of the AAAAAAARP?
A: It's for people over 50 who get drunk and run their car in a ditch.

Q: What did the mother corn say to the baby corn?
A: "Be sure to wash your ears!"

Q: Did you hear about the deadly serpent with a lovely singing voice?
A: It was a choral snake.

Q: What did the mother buffalo say to her departing child?
A: Bison.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with suitcases.

Q: What did the female firefly say to the other female firefly?
A: "You glow girl."

Q: Why did the mouse take a bath?
A: To get squeaky clean.

Q: What do you get if you cross a parakeet with a cat?
A: A peeping Tom.

Q: What did the dolphin say when he bumped into the whale?
A: I didn't do it on porpoise.

Q: What is a tree's favourite drink?
A: Root beer.

Q: Why can't you tell a joke to the ice?
A: It will crack up.

Q: Why was the clock banned from the library?
A: Because it tocked too much.

Q: What do you call a ghost hanging around Santa's Workshop?
A: A North Pole-tergiest

Q: What do you call a temperamental poodle?
A: A hot dog

Q: What do you call the secret criminal organization that can predict the future?
A: La Cosa Nostradamus

Q: What happened when the cannibal ate a missionary?
A: He got a taste of religion