archive: SPORTS HUMOR - Fishing, Hunting, Golf, Football, etc.

[JettyJumper]

These two old men, 92 and 93, were getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a funeral procession was going by. The older gent took his hat off and placed it over his heart while bowing his head. The other guy told him, "Hurry it up man, let's play."

The elder gent said, "let's wait a few minutes and then we'll start, that's my wife."

[-JAW-]

This archive is for G and PG rated humor on topics like fishing, hunting, camping, golf, football, and so forth. Jokes posted on the main forum will be archived after 30 days.

Please do not post any pictures or active links in this thread.

[-JAW-]

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with
two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim
'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here
ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de
truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

[-JAW-]

Dear Mr. McDaniel,
I regret to inform you that I find it necessary to return my recently purchased Billystix spiral rod, and subsequently am requesting a full refund. I must stress that while I have discovered no problem with workmanship or material (which are superb), nor have I found the product in lack of advertised performance in qualified hands, I must take exception to the ability of just any fisherman to improve his casting and fishing performance using your products.

To wit, using the "Stix-Stinger Surf Spiral", upon which was professionally mounted an Accurate Boss Magnum TwinDragâ„¢ 270 reel, loaded with 15# monofilament, tipped with 50# fluorocarbon and terminated with a new pulley rig, finally affixed with a 4 oz. weight and #10 circle hook, and laced with a fresh dead shrimp (for realistic effect) I went to a local, but rarely used, private airport to practice. I must strongly suggest at this point that you take heed and affix, in a prominent and strategic area on your rods, a warning that your products should only be used by experts and professionals, and that all amateurs and shore-fishing wannabe's must be properly supervised prior to being unleashed on the unsuspecting public! A license should be required to own and operate your products in a public place!

But, I'm getting ahead of myself - back to the story at hand and the purpose of my letter. Having read your warnings on your website concerning several hundred yards of clearance, I proceeded onto the currently empty airfield to practice the 'Pendulum Cast' as described in Lesson #3. I guess I should not have turned off the graphics on my web browser, otherwise I wouldn't have hauled my $5,600 grandfather clock onto the runway. The best cast, with a full windup on the clock, with the pendulum arc set to maximum, was a paltry 3' 7". To say that I was disappointed would be a major understatement! Assuming that something was terribly amiss, I loaded everything back up and headed to the house to review your website to see what I might have missed . On the way home I passed by Academy and picked up your brand new "Billycast" video. After viewing your video I sheepishly wheeled the grandfather clock back into the living room, mumbling something to the wife about having taken it to be repaired at the clock shop.

Returning to the airport with a new appreciation for the finer points of the pendulum cast technique (I really wish you would change the name of this cast to something not so confusing to the uninitiated,) I proceeded to assume the proper stance to begin the cast.

I think that it was very unwise for the military's Delta Force to schedule an exercise in an urban area without warning local residents beforehand - more on that later.

I began with the fully rigged setup, including the fresh dead shrimp (which I had to replenish by now,) practicing the backswing. Did I already mention that seldom used airfields are favorite hunting grounds of the Peregrine Falcon? Apparently the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Department are acutely aware, as I now am. I report to the federal magistrate for my court appearance in two months. I never knew that fresh dead shrimp were part of the Peregrine's diet! After signing the citation and donating my 2 pounds of shrimp for the falcon's recuperative stay (luckily, I had the foresight to file the barbs off of my practice hooks,) I continued my practice. It took a while for me to get this pivot thing down correctly.

It is no fault of Billystix that I am not athletically endowed, nor inclined to ballet, so I won't hold your company accountable for the rear windshield, with the integral antennae and defroster elements. Leaving the weight embedded in the windshield, I proceeded to walk away, allowing the line to free spool off the reel. At the end of the line I moved an additional 50 yards from the vehicle. I retrieved the line and terminal gear, laid the rod down and walked the 350 some-odd yards back to the car. I then got into it and drove over behind a hangar about 600 yards further away (a most fortuitous action, as you will see.)

With the 950+ yards of free space all around me, I proceeded with my practice session. It should be noted at this point that use of a properly constructed helmet with face cage is recommended for rank amateurs, or at least padded weights without the holding wires. However, with all the other injuries I was soon to sustain, the puncture wounds pail in comparison, and the scars won't be that noticeable. After a quick trip back to Academy for a fencing helmet and associated padded uniform I was ready to go with Step #2 of the pendulum cast.

Realizing my inadequacies in the area of coordination I opted to try for short lobs. Having used the highly touted Rocket lube and aftermarket Teflon impregnated bearings in the reel, I continued to get massive bird's nests with the 15# mono. Against all sage advice to the contrary, I chose to reload the reel (for the 7th time of the day, I might add) with one of those new super-braids, about 20# test, I vaguely recall. This, unfortunately as we will see, totally eliminated my backlash problem. My first full power cast nearly spooled the reel - EUREKA! - success at last, I thought. Until I noticed that the line was curiously and rapidly piling up around my ankles.

You can't begin to imagine the velocity that can be obtained by a ballistically friendly lead shape returning to Earth straight down from about 290 yards of elevation. At my mid-to-late 40s age, the ability to rapidly focus on an incoming target at that velocity, straight out of the high-noon sun, leaves something to be desired. Also, when you have on a Kevlar helmet, it's not a wise thing to cross your arms over your head to provide additional, but highly ineffectual, protection. Two and a half hours later, after having the blood drained from the massive hematoma on my right arm, I returned to continue doing battle (little did I know!).

Having now temporarily leased an unused high-bay hangar for my launch point, I aggressively re-engaged the lessons. After 20 or so casts I was finally able to remove the earplugs, put in place to somewhat mollify the constant ear ringing caused by high velocity lead bouncing off the bare aluminum ceiling of the hangar. I n almost no time I was able to consistently cross a 100 foot wide strip of tape laid out 75 feet from the front of the hangar.

It was beginning to be sunset, and with the sun behind the launch hangar, I decided to mount one of those Redeye lights to the tip of the rod to enable monitoring of my backswing. As I continued practice I realized that I no longer needed to focus on the backswing, but on the terminal gear. Ergo, I elected to attach ol' Redeye to the casting weight - a most unfortunate decision, as it turned out (remember Delta Force?)

By now, I was achieving 100 yards in casting distance consistently, and had improved my aim enough to shorten up my target tape to 50 feet wide. It was now time to put it all together and perform a full windup pendulum cast. I would be remiss at this point to fail to mention that I also suffer from vertigo. Rapid pivoting about a single spot induces severe disorientation for me. It was also at this precise time that Delta Force decided to make their unannounced entry to the airstrip. Of course, being just after sunset they were using their FLIR (forward looking infra-red radar) to navigate. Just guess what was arcing through the air across the runway that now held the FLIR's unyielding attention...
Myself, being temporarily discombobulated by the rapid pirouetting pivot, punch and pull maneuver, was facing the opposite direction of the cast, and had inadvertently slipped my wrist between the braided line and the rod in front of the reel.

Simultaneously, the FLIR attraction to ol' Redeye caused the flight of Cobra helicopters to dive right into the trajectory of my cast. I can personally attest to the unbelievable strength of these new super-braids, especially in the heaviest weights. As the line became entangled in the main rotor of the lead chopper, with my wrist still firmly positioned as it was, I took an unscheduled flight out of the hangar. While many people profess to seeing their lives flash before their eyes in times of great stress, all I saw was the balance of the flight of 4 other Cobras every time I circled around the tail of the lead chopper. It provided little relief that the 4 other pilots were crossing themselves in a religious manner every time I went by. Eventually, the lead chopper pilot was able to regain control of his craft and land it, right where my car used to be. It didn't aid my condition any that as the main rotor wound down, so did my height above the tail rotor. The super-braid finally contacted the still rapidly whirling tail rotor, becoming entangled in it also, at the same time abruptly changing my plane of travel by 90 degrees. While the fencing helmet and padding probably helped my survival, the acute contact with the ground for the next 15 or 20 revolutions didn't improve my outlook on urban military activities. I still have nightmares of that SLAM-DRAG-WHIP-SLAM-DRAG-WHIP!

Between the upcoming fine for endangering and minimally injuring a Peregrine Falcon, leasing the hangar, cost of the protective equipment, main and tail rotor bearings for a Cobra fast attack helicopter, and being threatened with incarceration for interfering with a major military operation, I can no longer afford to pursue fishing as a relaxing past-time. Besides, my health insurance carrier won't continue my coverage if I don't promise to never pick up a fishing rod again.

Once I am able to bend all joints again, I will be packaging up your rod for return to you. I apologize for the scratches and dings to its surface, but I do not feel responsible, as the Delta Force operation was not conducted with full knowledge of local authorities.

You have an excellent product, but appropriate warning should accompany all deliveries.
Sincerely,
Ivan T. Fish

[-JAW-]

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde,"we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

[-JAW-]

Two TTMB guys were talking about fishing. One says to the other, "I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!"

"That bad, huh?"

"She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST OF ALL, she caught more fish than me!"

[-JAW-]

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources decided to create the ultimate fish. They wanted a fish the size of a coho salmon, with the taste of a walleye and the fight of a muskie.

Years of work in the lab finally resulted in just such a fish... called a co-wall-ski.

only one problem, it couldn't swim.

[Hinezerelli]

First step: Make a large hole in the ice........Second step: Place fresh fillets of Cod around the hole...........Third Step: When the Polar Bear comes around and starts to smell the fillets, sneak up behind him and Kick him in the 'ICEHOLE'..............OK, I'm bored.

[Billy]

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came
racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while **** Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.


Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked **** "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," **** replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing................how's the
bait holding up?"

[SAK]

To catch a seal - 1. make hole in the ice. 2. sprinkle green peas about 4' out around the hole. 3. when seal comes comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

[-JAW-]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

[WilliamH]

BLIND WALMART CLERK

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes
over to the register. There is a Walmart associate standing there
with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that
it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.
test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00.

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so
I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get
her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes
that there is no way
he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was
the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $2000, the duck call is
$3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for
shopping Walmart."

[Galveston Yankee]

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish leaving a bayou well known for its good fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet
fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let
dem swim 'round for a while.. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"

"Well, what?" said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

[-JAW-]

The Pessimist and the Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't even swim."

[-JAW-]

There are two kinds of fishermen.
~Those that fish for sport and those that catch something.~

Give your husband a fish and you can feed him for a day.
~Encourage him take up fishing for a hobby and you can get rid of him for the weekend!~

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
~Teach him how to fish and he'll wear an ugly hat and have a beerbelly.~

My wife said to me that if I go fishing once more she, will leave me.
~God, I will miss her!~

Darrell: "Can I have a bucket of bait for my wife?"
~Bait Shop Owner: "Sorry sir we don't do trades."~

Where do you find a crab with no legs?
~Exactly where you left it.~

What do you call a deaf fishing boat captain?
~Anything you like. He cannot hear you.~

What side of a fish has the most scales?
~The outside~

"Mommy why can't I go swimming in the sea?"
"Because there are sharks in the sea."
"But Mommy, Daddy is swimming in the sea."
~"That's different he is insured."~

Where do you find most of the fish ?
~Between the head & the tail.~

WANTED:
Woman who can cook, clean, wash, and make sweet love.
Must have own boat.
~If interested, post a photo of the boat on TTMB classified.~

[-JAW-]

Alaska's Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be observant when hiking in bear country. They advise that outdoor enthusiasts should wear bells on their clothing to alert the bears of their presence and carry pepper spray for self defense.
The Department also recommends watching out for fresh signs of bear activity, and learning the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung:
Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells strongly of pepper.

[-JAW-]

A grumpy old guy walks into Catfish's shop and immediately starts complaining about everything he can think of. He tells Catfish how high his prices are and how poor the bait selection is.

After a minute of enduring his complaints, Catfish interrupts him and surprisingly says, "I wish I had 10 customers just like you."

Confused, the old man asks, "What? Every time I come in here I complain and am never satisfied with your service or goods."

Catfish says, "I know and I wish I had 10 customers just like you, instead of 100.

:rybka:

[-JAW-]

One recent Sunday, a young TTMBer arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

[-JAW-]

Badhabit told Walkin' Jack, "I caught a six pound trout last week."

:walkingsm asked, "Were there any witnesses?"

Darrell replied, "There sure were. If there hadn't been, it would have been at least eight pounds!" :D

[-JAW-]

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. 'It's certainly not a ship,' he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag and says,"Man oh man! Is that ever good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!'"

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs own the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and says." Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[-JAW-]

A Texas Doctor near Baffin Bay was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a nearby home was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The husband had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.

The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz.

[-JAW-]

Ten common fishing terms explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
(2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel.
(3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your fellow TTMBers when they ask how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for Spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
(2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

[-JAW-]

Mont and Zach were carrying a ninety pound "stripey king" to the cleaning table at the marina when :walkingsm ambled up with a stringer of about a dozen minnow sized gafftops and exotics.

:walkingsm took one look at the Weeks' monster and said, "Only caught one, Huh?"

[-JAW-]

One day Walkin' Jack was out pier fishing and was not having any luck at all, he tried lures, shrimp and other types of bait and was just not catching anything, not even exotics. Now Darrel was fishing about 20 feet from him, and was catching fish as fast as he cast his line out. :walkingsm was getting very jealous of this show-off, so he asked Badhabit what he was using for bait. Darrell said, "I'm using shrimp, but I dunk 'em in whiskey, first."

Walkin' Jack got really interested in this technique so he asked Badhabit if he could try one of those drunk shrimp. Darrell had no problem with this request, so he handed :walkingsm one of the whiskey dipped shrimp.

Walkin' Jack placed the shrimp on his hook and cast out. No sooner than his hook hit the water, :walkingsm 's BillyStiX began to bow like crazy, he set his hook and started to fight the fish.

When :walkingsm finally got his catch up on the pier he noticed that the shrimp had the fish by the throat.

[Bobby]

Late again?" the third-grade teacher said to Little Johnny. (When anyone
was late for school, it usually was Little Johnny.)

"It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree, you can blame this on my Dad. The
reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting
fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth,
Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the
truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here low down coyote.
The last few nights he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.
And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed
his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git
him!'"

"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen
house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that
double barrel through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound
dog Zeke had done woke up and come a sneakin' up behind Dad. Then we
all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'. Miss
Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

[-JAW-]

This Texas fishing guide is getting ready to head down to the dock when his wife comes up to him waving a piece of paper in the air. She says, "Do you see this U.S. Savings Bond?"

"Do you know what the difference is between you and this bond??"

The guide just shrugs his shoulders.

She then says, "Well, unlike you, this bond will actually mature some day and earn some money!"

[bill]

A man went fishing one day.
He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.
Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food.
All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.
The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

[bill]

I like these type of video clips.

http://www.landbigfish.com/jokes/showcase.cfm?ID=41

[Snagged]

A Man's Man

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went fishing.

[Bobby]

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool proof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[Bobby]

A man went to a therapist about an obsession that was ruining his life.
"It's baseball. Baseball is destroying me. I can't even get away from
it in my sleep. As soon as I close my eyes, I'm out there chasing a fly
ball or running around the bases. When I wake up, I'm more tired than I
was when I went to bed. What am I going to do?"

The therapist told him, "First of all, you have to make a conscious
effort not to dream about baseball. For example, when you close your
eyes, try to imagine yourself at a party at which someone is about to
give you several million dollars."

The patient replied, "Are you crazy, Doc? I'll miss my turn at bat."

[Bobby]

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin
sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to
name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said,
"Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the
names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a
peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn
towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter
which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always
faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away,"
suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the
boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when
the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned
how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said
their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship
had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man
walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My
goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a
great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his
equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of
them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the
battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was
swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of
been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible, horrible fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"

[-JAW-]

Justice Ruth Ginsberg had been on the court for a while when a friend invited her on a fishing trip. They got to the lake and the friend suggested they rent a rowboat. "No, let's just use our wading boots and cast from the shore," the Supreme Court Justice said.

Her friend continued arguing for a while on the merits of both having a day in the rowboat together. Finally, Justice Ginsberg answered emphatically, "No, I'm going to use my wading boots, and I don't want to hear a single word more about it."

"Why so emotional about a rowboat?" her friend asked.

Justice Ginsberg said, "I think it's long past the time to put the Roe vs. Wade argument behind us."

[mudd_catt]

Letter to Dear Abby................



Dear Abby

I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and kids,
great job, and great education.

When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my
favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and
tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the
shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We
quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about
fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I
spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did
I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later
Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam
holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to
the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. instead she says she
doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell
the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What
would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit
fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,
A fisherman

PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.

***************************


Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.

Abby

[-JAW-]

Although this married Texas couple enjoyed their fishing boat together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out on the Gulf he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to the launch ramp." So she drove the boat to the marina.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the television channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

[Dan20703]

-----Four Major League Baseball fans went rock climbing: a Yankee fan, a RedSox fan, an Astros fan, and a Cardinals fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who amongst them loved their team more and was the most "diehard" fan. The argument grew hotter and hotter and the four fans grew more and more agitated.

Such was the emotion that upon reaching the top of the mountain, theYankeefan proclaimed loudly and earnestly to the other three, "This is for theNew York Yankees!" and without a moments hesitation threw himself off the mountain. The supreme sacrifice!

Not to be outdone by a Yankee fan, the Red Sox fan jumped up and cried out, "This is for the Boston Red Sox!" and quickly threw himself off the mountain, also willing to sacrifice himself to prove his devotion to his team.

Refusing to be outdone by the Yankee and Red Sox fans, the Astros fan rose to his feet, summoned up every ounce of his courage, and yelled at the top of his lungs, "This is for the Houston Astros!" and without a moment's hesitation, shoved the Cardinals fan off the mountain.

GO ASTROS!

[-JAW-]

A sure way to get a bite on a slow day is:

Talk about changing spots
Prepare another rod while one is out
Lay your rod down unsecured
Go for a sandwich
Start to pull the boat anchor
Use the worst fly you own
Crack open your first beer
Crack open your last beer
Take notice of the chick on a passing boat, bank or beach
Watch others fishing
Start reeling in your lines at going home time
Give your fishing rod to a female companion or child to hold
Put your landing net just out of reach
Cast your line over an obstruction
Drift your line into impossible weeds
Turn to look at the sunrise or sunset
Decide that you need to take a leak

[-JAW-]

What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!!!! (I told you they were bad)

How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off.

What is the fastest fish in the sea?
A go-carp.

What did the mommy sardine say to her children when they saw a submarine?
Don't worry, it's only a tin of people.

If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland.

What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
Show me your mussels.

How do you kiss a shark?
Very carefully

What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.

What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?
A barracuda going on holiday.

[-JAW-]

This was published in The South Texas Fisherman, sometime 1972.

Talking To Fish
by Bill Kennedy

A character in one of Shakespeare's plays, boasting of his accomplishments
said, "I can call up monsters from the vast deep." Any fisherman could have
given the answer, "So can I and so can any man, but will they come?" Men and
women have been calling to fish, pleading with them, and swearing at them
without response since the beginning of time. A federally supported research
project may change that situation.
Working with the whale family (porpoise or dolphin), scientists in Florida
have set out to translate fish language. They are not far along yet but have
made some headway. Various clicks and whistles have been recorded that indicate,
at least in the whale family, one fish has a way to communicating what is on his
mind to another fish. If the research continues as planned, it should be only a
matter of time until man will be able to reproduce fish noises and communicate
what is on his mind to bass, perch, and catfish.
All right-minded fishermen agree that fish-talk research projects should be
cancelled and the scientists in it forced to seek other employment. The
reasoning behind this point of view is simple and sound. If the research
continues to its logical conclusion, fishing will cease to be the pleasant and
relaxing sport that it now is. Fishing will become a business of bellowing
speeches in fish language designed to convince fish that they would be better
off on the bank or in the boat than they are in the water. In such
circumstances, any fool knows who the men that will catch all the fish will be.
They will be politicians!

[-JAW-]

One Sunday, a minister decided to skip church and go hunting in the nearby forest. So while he was hunting he saw a gigantic grizzly bear that had stopped to get honey from a bee tree. The minister thought the bear was good game, so he shot at it, however he missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and started charging toward the minister. The fired the rest of his bullets but missed every shot, so used his last option: he dropped to his knees and prayed. "Dear God," he said, "Please let this bear be a good christian, a better one than I was."
As the bear drew closer, it dropped to its knees and prayed, "Dear God, thank you for this meal I am about to receive."

[speckle-catcher]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment...............

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the d*mn putt, didn't you?

[-JAW-]

One day Lobo Jim and Outlaw were Deer Hunting, and they got lost. Lobo tells John, "Wait, don't panic I learned what to do in case this happens. You're supposed to shoot up into the air three times and someone will hear you and come to help."

"Okay!" said Outlaw. So he shoots three times into the air. They both wait an hour and no one shows up. So they shoot three times again and still no one shows up. Bewildered they try this again and again for the next couple of hours.

Outlaw starts to look a little worried, then he says, "It better work this time, we're down to our last three arrows!"


(Just funning with ya!) :D

[OUTLAW]

LOL! And I never figured out why that never worked, finally had to get a GPS!

[DargelJohn]

>> >

>> > A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three

>> > ducks.

>> >

>> > He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive

>> > home

>>when he was confronted by an ornery game warden that didn't like

>>hillbillies.

>> >

>> > The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license,

>> > and

>>the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The game

>>warden

>>looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the

ducks,

>>sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma.

>> >

>> > This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"

>> >

>> > The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting

>>license.

>> >

>> > The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the

>> > second

>>duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This

>>duck's

>>from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"

>> >

>> > The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas

>> > hunting

>>license.

>> >

>> > The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed

>> > its

>>butt, and said, "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from

>>South

>>Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

>> >

>> > Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South

>>Carolina hunting license.

>> >

>> > The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he

>> > yelled

>>at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"

>> >

>> > The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and

>> > said,

>>"You tell me, you're the expert."

[-JAW-]

Two Texas hunters (who shall go unnamed) were dragging their dead buck by the hind legs through the brush. Another hunter approached pulling his deer along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something. . . but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer headfirst. It'll slide on the hair easier and the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck." the other added.

[Galveston Yankee]

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

[-JAW-]

It was a clear, cold November morning, every condition imaginable was just right. The young Texas deer hunter sat still and quiet in the tree stand hoping to get his first deer. Just after daybreak, he could hear the crunching of the leaves as a deer made it way down the trail toward his stand. His heart quickened.

Moments later, a HUGE 10-pointer at least 20" wide stood still broadside not more than 20 yards away. He slowly raised the rifle, clicked off the safety, squeeezed, BOOM!
The buck dropped instantly in his tracks. The boy was so excited, he quickly hung the gun back on the nail in the tree, scampered down the ladder and ran over the where the deer lay.

Reaching for his knife to begin field-dressing the deer, he remembered that he must first tag the deer. Not wanting to get into any trouble, he laid down his knife, pulled the tag from his pocket, filled it out, and neatly tied it to the buck's massive antlers.

He reached down picked up the knife to begin field-dressing the deer, then, at the first cut, the buck did something unexpected, he jumped up, snorted, and ran back up the trail over the ridge. The young hunter hunter stood there in amazement for a moment, glanced back up in the tree at his rifle hanging near the stand, looked at the knife in his hand, then mumbled a couple of choice words his mama wouldn't believe he knew and tore out running after that big buck.

Moments after the buck crossed over the ridge top, there was a boom from another hunter's rifle. The young deer hunter thought to himself, "Oh no, not my deer!" As he reached the ridge top and crossed over, he saw the big buck lying on the trail ahead of him as a hunter cautiously approached the downed deer checking it for dead. The young hunter runs up to the guy, out of breath he explains "That's my deer!" huff, huff, "That's my deer!"

"Like heck it is." said the older hunter. "I just shot this one."

"No, no, look, it's got my tag on his antlers!"

The second hunter looked down at the deer, sure enough, there was a tag attached to the antlers. He looked back at the young Texan completely exhausted and out of breath holding the knife and says, "Fella, if you're man enough to tag 'em first and then run 'em down, you can have this deer."

[-JAW-]

Two Aggies are out duck hunting. They hunt and hunt and hunt into the late
hours of the evening and still have not killed one duck. Finally, Aggie #1 says to Aggie #2, "Maybe we'd do better if we threw the dog up higher."

[Texas T]

Boudreaux at the hunting camp with 3 buddies, drinking beer and playing bouree. We'll call them: Thibodeaux, Gauthreaux, and Fontenot. "Boudreaux ", says Fontenot, "You coming hunt them bear with us in the morn?" Boudreaux , the excellent hunter that he is, says," Non, I think I'll go alone; I hunt better that way". So, in the morning when everyone else woke to go on the hunt, there was ole Boudreaux , returning from his hunt with a big black bear. There was only ONE bullet hole on the bear, right between the eyes. "****, you are a good shot", says Thibodeaux, who is leaving to go hunting. "Yep, one shot - that's all it took"says Boudreaux ,"I told you!" Well, they came back later that day without a single bear. That night, the same routine; beer and bouree. Thibodeaux asks Boudreaux if he'll go on the hunt with them in the morn. Again, Boudreaux says "No, I hunt better alone." So, in the morn all 3 guys are leaving for the hunt when Boudreaux is returning with a bear. Again, only ONE bullet hole between the eyes. Gauthreaux, not believing what he's seeing, exclaims "Boudreaux , how you do it with one shot? You can't be that good, huh?" Well, the same thing happens later that day; they return without a single bear. The next morning Boudreaux returns with a bear as the other 3 are leaving for their hunt. But, this time, there were 3 bullet holes on the bear; one in between the eyes, one in the left paw, and one in the right paw. Gauthreaux , seeing the three bullet holes,exclaims, "Uh huh, I knew you couldn't do it three times in a row with one bullet; I knew you wasn't that good!!" Boudreaux , remaining calm, says "No man, all it took was one shot - that's it!! You see, it was pretty dark when I shot him. I put my flashlight up like that and shined it at his eyes. When he saw the light , he put both his hands over his eyes to cover them, and that's when I shot."

[texasflyfisher]

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

[Bobby]

Custody Battle Ruling:

A seven year old San Francisco boy was at the center of a courtroom
drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should
have custody.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents so the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that
his aunt beat him more than his parents and he refused to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge then decided to allow the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the New Orleans Saints this morning as the boy
firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone....

:) hehehe

[-JAW-]

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.

After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.

The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.


They were still arguing when the train hit.

[-JAW-]

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.

After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

[-JAW-]

One morning, Mont and his son Zach were in the brush hunting rabbits. After about an hour, the pair finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the inquisitive son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"

Mont replied, "Well, son, those are smart pills. Try a couple."

So Zach grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. Zach made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste like $h**."

To which Mont calmly replied, "See, Zach, you're getting smarter already." :an2:

[BIG Flat Skiff]

But it was a heck of a grouper!!!

[-JAW-]

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?

A hunter lies in wait.

A fisherman waits and lies.

__________________

or as BertS says, maybe a fisherman lies in Weight?

[-JAW-]

Two Texas Aggies are out golfing and are stuck on the sixteenth green when a foursome comes to play through. One guy asks, "What seems to be the trouble?"

The first Aggie answers, "We both hit to the green and when we got here one ball is in the cup and one is on the lip of the cup. We both shoot Titleist #3 balls so we can't figure out who got the hole in one."

The other golfer looks at the two balls and asks, "Which one of you was playing the orange ball?"

[-JAW-]

Three bucks are in a mountain meadow complaining. They've heard a rumor that a huge buck has entered their area, and they aren't happy about sharing any of their does.

The Alpha buck says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the does, I've been pretty happy with MY 30 does. I am not about to share any of MY does with this new buck."

The second toughest buck says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 20 does, so I can't afford to share any of MY does."

The youngest buck says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I'm not going to give up any of My 10 does."

Suddenly the biggest, baddest buck they had ever seen appeared at the edge of the meadow. He must have weighed close to 375 pounds and with huge sweeping antlers. As the huge buck trotted towards the three other bucks the ground seemed to shake.

Suddenly the former Alpha buck is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW does."

The second toughest buck says, "Maybe if I hide in the bushes, he'll leave me alone."

But the small, young buck is snorting, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers in an extremely confrontational way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bucks trot over to the young buck and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth dying for. Just give the new buck your 10 does."

"He can HAVE my 10 does," replies the young buck, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BUCK!"

[-JAW-]

Walking Jack, a well know and longtime TTMB fisherman, went to a hospital near the bay for his semi-annual checkup, and going home he knew he had to pass by a fishing pier. On previous trips had seen some other anglers about, so he decided not to waste the trip and to give his luck a try.

After receiving a clean bill of health (Clean mind; Clean body - Take your pick!), on his way home after his checkup :walkingsm stopped and went pier fishing. He had no luck at all, but the fish were there for he noticed that another fisherman near him was scooping up redfish, flounder, and large sheepshead one after another. WJ had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist at the hospital, and quite by accident I found that human tonsils work quite well."

:walkingsm thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, :walkingsm returned to the pier, tried a different bait (red-dyed "Fishbaits" cut in an ah. . . unusual shape.) and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was another man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked WJ, "But could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am a surgeon at the hospital and I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought :walkingsm. It seemed that the fish around this pier would require a little more effort than normal. He left, determined to give the pier one more try, since he knew that there were plenty of fish around!

On the third day, Walking Jack still had no luck. and as was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. :walkingsm wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?" he inquired.

"Why no, replied the man, I am a Rabbi."


(just funnin' ya, Jack.) ;)


:rybka:

[muzzleloader]

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

[Billy]

Sonya came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, Dewey was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.



She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

************************************************** ********

Dewey set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer, to which Dewey replied: "Got here in two, didn't I

************************************************** ***********

Sonya goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read, "Dewey Johnson died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
"Dewey Johnson died: golf clubs for sale."

[BillLovesFishin]

There's this guy who has been stranded on a desert island alone for ten years. One day, he sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. And he was right. In fact, as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of even a small boat, or a raft.

Finally, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette ?" "Ten years," he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man ! Is that ever good !"

Then she asks him, "How long has it been since you had a sip of bourbon ?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years !" She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic !"

Then she starts slowly sliding down the long zipper that runs down The front of her skin tight wetsuit....looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've soaked a bait ?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Mama ! Don't tell me you've got a fishin’ pole in there too !

[Bobby]

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[Free_loader]

Angler An obsessed individual who owns a house that is falling down due to neglect, a truck whose color can best be described as Rust-Oleum, and a pristine boat that he chamois' down methodically before and after each trip.

Knot (1) An insecure connection between your hook and fishing line. (2) A permanent tangle on your spinning reel which forces you to go out and buy a bigger, better, much more expensive rig.

Landing Net A net used to help drag a large wiggling fish, or an inebriated fishing buddy, on board.

Live Bait The biggest fish you'll handle all day.

Quiet Water Your surroundings after you stop cursing your bad luck and fall asleep at the reel.

Skunked fisherman One who returns to the boat ramp many, many hours after his buddies have gone home so that there are no witnesses to his catch or lack thereor.

Sinker (1) A weight attached to a lure to get it to the bottom. (2) The nickname of your boat.

Thumb A temporary hook holder.

Treble Hook Triples the odds of your catching a fish. Quadruples the odds of your getting the hook caught in your thumb (see above).

Trolling What you do after you've lost a $500 rod and reel set-up overboard.

[Snagged]

Deer hunting with the wife

Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of
gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back.
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get the he!! away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her yell, "Get the he!! away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your **** deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!

[Bobby]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to

the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped

in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news,"

says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm."



"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over!

Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's

a woman’s arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."



"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the

golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.



"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great,” said the surgeon.



"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,

I've learned how to sew my own clothes and

I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."



"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the

transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"



"Well, just one," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection,

I also get a headache."

[daparson]

One morning, a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take their boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and takes out her book.


Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies (thinking,"Isn't it obvious?!").


"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.


"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."


"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."


"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.



"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.


"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."



"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said...and quickly left.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS. IT'S LIKELY SHE CAN ALSO THINK.

[1shot1kill]

These two bird hunters were bragging about their dogs. One fella said his dog never lied. Just about that time a young boy walked up and the old man's dog went on point. The other fella laughed and said "I thought you said he never lied!" The old man insisted he never lied, there must be some explanation. He asked the boy if he'd just been quail hunting and the boy answered "No sir." The old man then asked if the boy lived on a farm and raised quail. Again the boy replied "No sir." The old man thought and asked "Well then, did you just have quail for dinner, boy?" Yet again, the boy's answer was no. Riled, the old man said "Now don't you lie to me boy, I'll tell your parents. What's your name?" The boy answered "Bob White."

[Bay Gal]

FISHING

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next
weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear sun-block."

[Bay Gal]

Subject: A Baseball Game


A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and catcalling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"


He replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

[-JAW-]

"It is always wise to swim or surf with a friend. In California this is know as the 'buddy system'. - Off the Florida coast they call it 'chumming'!"

[Galveston Yankee]

A fisherguy and his wife walked into a dentist's office. Paul said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go fishing. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!




The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness-- this fisherguy is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."


So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"



The fisherguy turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

[-JAW-]

Farmer Jim went fishing out in the Gulf Stream one day. Suddenly, his rod began to bend. Casually, he reached for it and began reeling. As he brought the fish in the boat, he heard it say,
"Oh thank you kind sir!, you are my savior!, I am a beautiful Russian princess who was cursed by a wicked witch, and turned into a fish!, If only you will give me a kiss, I will turn back into a beautiful princess!, and in gratitude for your kindness, I shall be your love slave for life!"

The old fisherman, in a hemming and hawing way, grabbed his pliers, carefully removed the hook from the fish's mouth, and nonchalantly dropped the fish into the livewell.

"Oh sir!, kind sir!" came a muffled cry from the livewell, "aren't you going to give me a kiss?, "Remember, kind sir that I have promised to become your love slave for life!"

"Don't think so." Replied farmer Jim, "At my age, I'd just as soon have a talking fish!"

[-JAW-]

Jesus and Saint Peter went out to play golf one day. On the first hole, a 480 yard par 5, Saint Peter teed up first, and drove his ball about 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

Christ placed his ball on the tee, took a few practice swings, and addressed the ball. He took a mighty swing and just topped the ball. It barely went 100 feet. Just as it stopped, a gopher popped out of a hole, grabbed the ball in its mouth and began to run towards the hole. It had run almost 100 yards when an eagle swooped out of the sky and grabbed the gopher with its talons.

Climbing into the sky, the eagle headed towards the green, carrying the gopher with the golf ball still in its mouth. Just as the eagle was over the green, a bolt of lightning came out of the blue and zapped the bird! POW!!!

The eagle dropped the gopher, which landed on the green roughly 20 feet from the hole. The ball popped out of the gopher's mouth upon impact and rolled towards the hole. It came to a stop right on the lip of the hole . Suddenly there was a small earthquake and the tremor caused the ball to fall into the cup. A hole in one!

Saint Peter turned to Christ and said, "You going to play golf or you going to **** around?"

[Melon]

Houston, Texas (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the
center of an
Harris County courtroom drama yesterday when he
challenged a court
ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy
has a history of
being beaten by his parents and the judge initially
awarded custody to
his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and
regulations requiring
that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that
his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live
with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his
grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate
family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life
among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy
to propose who
should have custody of him. After two recesses to
check legal
references
and confer with child welfare officials, the judge
granted temporary
custody to the Houston Texans, whom the boy firmly
believes are not
currently capable of beating anyone.

[Tail Chaser]

*** As seen within Today's Houston Chronicle ***
Houston, TX – Friday, October 14, 2005 - Anthrax Scare At Reliant
Stadium

Houston Texans football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a
player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice
field. The Texans head coach immediately suspended practice while police
and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete
analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown
to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents
decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

[Harbormaster]

Long ago, there lived an pitcher for the White Sox named Captain Bravado. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.


One day, while facing the Angels, his teamates spotted Guerraro coming to the plate, and the city became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red undershirt!"

The trainer quickly retrieved the pitcher's red undershirt, and while wearing the brightly colored undershirt, the Captain led his team into battle and defeated the Angels.

That evening, all the men sat around locker room recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Pitcher, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The pitcher replied, "If I were to be wounded in the game, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, a teammate spotted the mighty Astros and city of Houston approaching. The team stared in worshipful silence at the pitcher and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon enemy arrayed against his team, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"










:biggrin:

[-JAW-]

If guns kill people, then my pencil is responsible for misspelled words! - Larry the Cable Guy



:rybka:

[CLL2437]

Need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my g/f has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".

I always look out for her ride coming home but she always walks from around the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. If it really is a friend why not just get dropped off in front? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my boat, which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she was getting out of. Well, it was a while that I was crouched behind my boat and I noticed my prop was all chewed up.



Should I buy a replacement, or should I just take the chance and try to get it fixed? It’s a big decision so I thought I would ask for your advice. What do you think?






:D

[wishin4fishin]

TRUE ASTRO FAN





A diehard Astros fan amuses himself by scaring every White Sox fan he sees strutting down the street in their obnoxious White Sox shirts. He swerves his van as if to hit them and then swerves back just missing them.





One day while driving along he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"





"I'm going to give mass about two miles the road," the priest replied.





"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!," said the man.





The priest climed into the rear passenger seat and they continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a White Sox fan walking down the road and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back into the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD".





Not understanding where the noise came from, he glancedback in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry, Father, I almost hit that White Sox fan."





"That's okay," replied the priest,"I got him with the door."

[fishinfella]

HOUSTONIANS IN HELL
**********************************


A Houstonian dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil
notices that the Houstonian is not suffering like the rest. He checks the
gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes
over to the Houstonian and asks why he's so happy. The Houstonian says, "I
like it here. The temperature is just like Houston in June.

The Devil isn't happy with the Houstonian's answer and decides to
get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and
the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the
Houstonian. He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as
happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the Houstonian again as to why
he's so happy. The Houstonian says, "This is even better. It's
like Houston in July."

The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Houstonian really suffer.
He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and
the humidity to 100%. "Now lets see what the Houstonian is up to," he says.
So he goes looking for the Houstonian. He finds him taking his shirt
off, even happier then before. The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the
Houstonian why he's happy now. The Houstonian replies, "This is great,
it's just like Houston in August."

The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He goes over and turns
the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees. "Let's see what the
Houstonian has to say about this." The Devil looks around and finds
the Houstonian jumping up and down for joy and yelling.............

"Oh boy!.....it will be a cold day in hell and the Astros will win the World Series."

[bill]

Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.

Take up a reel sport. . . Fishing!
.
I've spent most of my life fishing. The rest of it I wasted!

If people concentrated on the really important stuff in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

I never caught a fish I didn't like.

Fishing is a tough job, but I'm willing to tackle it!.

Fishing is cheaper than a psychiatrist.

A reel fisherman can tackle anything that bobs along

A woman who has never seen her husband fishing,
doesn't know what a patient man she married

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day...
Teach a man to fish, you get rid of him for the weekend.

Good things come to those who bait.

Men and fish are alike....
they both get into trouble
when they open their mouths.

[bill]

AFTERNOON: Time of day you begin fishing after rising at 5am, eating breakfast at a local diner, stopping for donuts and then talking with the guys (and/or girl) at the bait and tackle shop for over an hour drinking coffee.

ANGLING: The art of bending your arm completely behind your body so you can grab a snack from the back of your boat without actually having to move.

BAIT: Stuff that smells almost as bad as the guy who's been using it all day.

BAMBOO: Inexpensive fishing pole used by the kid across the river to catch a fish twice as big as the one you got with your $500 rod and reel.

BASS/WALLEYE BOAT: Something you could afford if you didn't have to keep the kids in name brand clothes.

BIG ONE THAT GOT AWAY: What they refer to you as down at the tackle shop because you wouldn't buy the $600 fish finder.

CHICKEN OF THE SEA: That guy in your fishing party who keeps telling you not to take the boat into "that really deep water."

DEEP-SEA DIVING: Hobby enjoyed by any fisherman who accidentally drops his brand new rod and reel in the river. (no names mentioned!)

"DOUGHBALL, STINKBAIT, and GRUBWORM: 1) Three popular baits. 2) Three popular fishing buddies.

EXAGGERATE: Storytelling method that turns catching a 4 inch perch into a life-and-death struggle with a musky that could have snapped your boat in half.

FISH-FINDER: Apparently the guy in the boat heading back to the dock with his live well full.

FISHING MAGAZINE: Just a little something to keep the fisherman busy when he's not fishing, talking about fishing, watching fishing shows on TV or shopping for fishing equipment.

GAME-WARDEN: The person whose job it is to make sure you don't take that three and a half inch prize winning perch home with you.

GENERAL STORE: The only place to shop in the secluded area you've gone to fish, where a package of hooks cost $8 and a candy bar is $1.50.

GUIDE: Local guy with a very expensive walleye boat totally paid for by out-of-towners gullible enough to believe that by racing from one secret spot to another they actually have a shot at catching fish which have successfully eluded the pros for years

HOOK: Curved pin with barbed point, useful for snagging fingers and thumbs, hats, friends ears, propellers, sides of the boat, and, occasionally, fish.

ICE-FISHING: Sport that is about half as uncomfortable and frustrating as regular fishing only colder.

JUGGLER: What you need to be to eat your sandwich, drink your coffee and bait your hook while you are trying to tune in the football game on your radio.

KEEPER: Any fish larger than the bait used to catch it.

KILLJOY: A fishing partner who wants to quit and go home just because of a little thunderstorm.

LICENSE: Something which a fisherman says our forefathers never needed, so why should he have to pay for one?

LINE: Where you are when you are getting your boat ready to launch.

TEXAS: The place to be to fish. Also known as "Fishing Heaven on Earth."

MOSQUITOES: The only creatures in the world who are as anxious to have you go fishing as you are.

MRS. PAUL: The lady who cleans most of the fish eaten at my house.

NAP: Probably the only thing you will catch all day other than a cold (if its raining.)

NIGHT CRAWLER: Any fisherman who has to sneak out of the house in the early morning hours to go fishing.

OARS: Long wooden paddles you wish you had after your outboard motor quits in the middle of the river.

OLD AGE: Leading cause of death among the fish you pursue.

PETS: What your children/grandchildren think worms are.

PINK LEMONADE: A wife's idea of a real thirst quencher for the hearty fisherman.

POND SCUM: Nickname for any fisherman who gets to your lucky spot before you do.

QUIVER: What your knees do when a shiny new boat on a custom trailer goes by.

RACKET: The loud, obnoxious, fish-frightening noise made by your fishing buddy who insists on breathing on the boat.

RED SNAPPER: One who returns from fishing with nothing but a sunburn and grouchy mood.

RUBBER WORMS: Proof that fish are pretty stupid.

SHARK: The guy who sold you that $600 fish finder.

SNAG: What a fisherman tells his buddies he has run into when his wife won't let him go fishing.

SONAR: High-tech device that, when used properly, allows you to hear the fish laughing at you.

SPLASH: The sound a fisherman's truck makes when it rolls off the boat ramp and into the river.

THUNDERSTORM: Weather condition brought on by the planning of a fishing trip.

TROLL:1) Technique in which the lure is pulled along behind a slowly-moving boat. 2)What you look like after a five day fishing trip.

UNCOMFORTABLE: Something which you are after 10 minutes in your chair at work, but not after eight hours in a boat seat.

WADERS: Protective gear worn by anyone listening to your fish stories.

WAKE: 1). The path of a fast boat across the water. 2). What you do maybe twice during a lazy fishing afternoon.

"X": What a really dumb fisherman draws on the side of his boat to mark a really good fishing spot

YESTERDAY: The preceding day, when the fish were biting like crazy and you weren't there.

ZINC: 1) Zinc Oxide, a substance rubbed on the nose to keep it from getting sunburn. 2) What zee boat will do if it gets zee big hole in zee bottom.

[redfish494]

First step: Make a large hole in the ice........Second step: Place fresh fillets of Cod around the hole...........Third Step: When the Polar Bear comes around and starts to smell the fillets, sneak up behind him and Kick him in the 'ICEHOLE'..............OK, I'm bored.
Cut large hole, put peas around hole, when bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.

[Snagged]

A golfer was teeing off and a second golfer approached and asked if he
could join him. The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but
agreed to the twosome. After two holes they were even. The second guy
said, "We're about evenly matched. How about playing for five bucks a
hole?" The first fellow , a very humble person said, that he wasn't
much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy then won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at the local country club and liked to picked on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the local senior pastor of a
large suburban church. The golf pro got all flustered and apologetic,
offering to return the money. The minister said, "No, you won fair and
square and I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."
The pro said,"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The minister answered,"Well, you could come to church on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I"ll marry them."

[grayfish]

The Coach of the 'New Orleans Saints' had put together the perfect team for the Saints. The only thing that was missing was a good Quarterback. He had scouted all the Colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window, 100 yards away, .... 'KABOOM'!


He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney, .... 'KA-BLOOEY'!!

Then, he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph, ....'BULLS-EYE'!

The Coach said to himself, .... "I've got to get this guy .... he has the
perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the United States and teaches him the great game of
football, .... and, the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl! The young Afghan
is hailed as the great Hero of football, and when the coach asks him what
he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother!

"Mom," he says into the phone, .... "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says, .... 'you deserted
us', .... you are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads, .... "I've
won the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!"

His Mother retorts, .... "NO, .... let me tell you! At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get RAPED!" The old lady
pauses, and then tearfully says, .......


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"I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR MAKING US MOVE TO NEW ORLEANS!"

[Livininlogs]

Ole Hebert was a notorious Poacher. He outwitted many Game Wardens. One day a new Game Warden came to town and vowed he would catch ole Hebert and put him away. His first weekend he set out though the swamp early, came up on the back of Hebert’s shack, then sat and waited. Around 12:30 ole Hebert walked out on the powch with a cup of Seaport. He hollered out “Hey meester Warden pass yuself up heya de coffee it’s ready and I know you is cold”. The new Warden feeling bad about being found out walked up to the house and had some coffee with ole Hebert. A few weeks later the Warden had a plan. He talked all week about taking a trip to New Orleans. On Friday he packed his car and took off. He drove to the next town then doubled back on an old logging road and then hiked through the swamp to lay his ambush. Around Mid night Ole Hebert came out with his cup of coffee yelling. “Meester Warden pass yuself on op heya and dry off. I have you cup full waiting”. The warden got up and went to have his coffee. The years passed and the Warden never caught Ole Hebert. Every time he tried Hebert some how knew he was there and called him up for coffee.

The years passed and the Warden heard that Ole Hebert was in a bad way so he went to visit his old adversary. He walked in and Hebert looked real bad but when he saw the Warden he smiled and asked him if he brought any coffee. The warden laughed a little the sat next to Hebert. He Said, “Mister Hebert, I tried to catch you poaching for the last 12 years but you always knew I was going to be waiting for you and then to rub it in you’d invite me up for Coffee. Ole Hebert laughed then looked at the Warden Smiling he said “You a good Warden yea but you not too smart no. I been walking out on dat powch every night saing the same ting around 12 for the lass tirty years. If no Warden come up den I go out.

[Livininlogs]

Ole Hebert was a notorious Poacher. He outwitted many Game Wardens. One day a new Game Warden came to town and vowed he would catch ole Hebert and put him away. His first weekend he set out though the swamp early, came up on the back of Hebert’s shack, then sat and waited. Around 12:30 ole Hebert walked out on the powch with a cup of Seaport. He hollered out “Hey meester Warden pass yuself up heya de coffee it’s ready and I know you is cold”. The new Warden feeling bad about being found out walked up to the house and had some coffee with ole Hebert. A few weeks later the Warden had a plan. He talked all week about taking a trip to New Orleans. On Friday he packed his car and took off. He drove to the next town then doubled back on an old logging road and then hiked through the swamp to lay his ambush. Around Mid night Ole Hebert came out with his cup of coffee yelling. “Meester Warden pass yuself on op heya and dry off. I have you cup full waiting”. The warden got up and went to have his coffee. The years passed and the Warden never caught Ole Hebert. Every time he tried Hebert some how knew he was there and called him up for coffee.

The years passed and the Warden heard that Ole Hebert was in a bad way so he went to visit his old adversary. He walked in and Hebert looked real bad but when he saw the Warden he smiled and asked him if he brought any coffee. The warden laughed a little the sat next to Hebert. He Said, “Mister Hebert, I tried to catch you poaching for the last 12 years but you always knew I was going to be waiting for you and then to rub it in you’d invite me up for Coffee. Ole Hebert laughed then looked at the Warden Smiling he said “You a good Warden yea but you not too smart no. I been walking out on dat powch every night saing the same ting around 12 for the lass tirty years. If no Warden come up den I go out.

[Hooked Up ©]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her,
explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

Tight lines, Guy

[Z71NTX]

two guys joined a hunting lodge and were being given a tour of the place. as they walked through the main hall they spotted an old man asleep in a rocking chair next to the fire. the newbies asked their tour guide who the old man was. The guide told them " oh thats ol Henry, he is 93 and is our oldest member. he can tell you some huntin stories that you will never forget."

so the two new guys wake the old man up and ask him to tell them a huntin story.

the ols man starts off " well, it was 1944, we were on safari in africa for lions. i had been stalking this lion for pert near 4 days. i finally had to sit down so i took my boots off and sat next to a fallen tree. wasn't long before i fell asleep. when i woke up, i heard sumthin in the bushes and just as i reached for ma rifle , this big lion jumps out at me RRRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR !!!!

"well, i gotta tell ya.......i shat ma pants ...."

one of the new guys says" man, if a lion jumped out at me....i'd shat my pants too !!!!"

the old man says " no,..... just now when i said RRRROOOOOOAAAAARRRR !!!!

[TXPalerider]

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually Sir."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

-- And the best caddy comment:
#1 Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[dpdogwood]

A blond went to get a flat tire repaired. The attendant was busy, so he told her to take the car home, wait til the tailpipe cools down, and blow in it real hard until the tire fills back up with air. As she was blowing, her blond girlfriend asked her what she was doing. After the explanation, the grilfriend said "Duh, you're supposed to roll up the windows first!"

[dicklaxt]

This man was walking down the street when he saw a tennis ball lying in the grass,he picked it up and put it in his pocket he continued on when he spotted another , he picked this one up as well and put it in his other pocket. He later met a lady walking towards him who was an aquaintenance ,they talked for a moment when she noticed the bulges. She asked what are those bulges in you pants,he said tennis balls ,she said I'll bet that hurts like heck,I had tennis elbow once.

[-JAW-]

1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.

2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.

3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".

4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.

5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.

6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".

7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.

8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.

9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.

10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.

11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.

12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.

13) You think the four seasons are--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.

14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.

15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.

16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

[Snagged]

Four old guys went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the
old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been
playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of
the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in
the golf cart and ride to it."

[dicklaxt]

Never play Golf with Your Wife...

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says,I had an affair about twenty years ago and it was just a fling and meant nothing to me.
I hope you can forgive me."His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken
since you told me about that affair, but since we're being honest with each other, I have
something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He
slammed the driver into the ground; kicked the ball into the woods;
stormed off the tee;pushed the golf cart over on its side; broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver!
How could you?! I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these
years you've been playing off the ladies tees!!"

Some things are sacred.

[GinMan]

>> Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
>> Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
>> He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
>>
>> God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
>> through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
>>
>> Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
>>
>> "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call
>> it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
>> "Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.
>>
>> God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
>> northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold
>> and harsh, while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and
>> pleasant. "I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands
>> parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot and while this one will
>> be very cold and covered in ice."
>>
>> The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and
>> said "What's that one?"
>>
>> "Ah," said God. "That's TEXAS -- the most glorious place on earth. There
>> are beautiful mountains, streams, hills, and forests. The people from
>> Texas are going to be handsome, intelligent and humorous and they are
>> going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable,
>> hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the
>> world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
>>
>> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
>> balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
>>
>> God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Austin"

[fishnlab]

I'm getting this one. Could be very helpful. Chapter list below...

Table of Contents:


Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer before 9am

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to- Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 16 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 17 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game

Chapter 18 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer From The Cart Girl
(and Give Her a $3 Tip) - But Will Balk at $3.50 brew at the 19th Hole
and Stiff the Bartender

[Bobby]

Tony was a typical line backer on the football team - big and tough. But he was
in trouble. He had put on too much weight and was told if he didn't lose
some quickly, he'd be dropped from the team. He consulted a doctor at the
sports clinic. "We're testing a new method of weight reduction" said the
Dr, "and we'd like you to try it out. You can eat as anything you like, and
as much as you like, but instead of eating it, you must consume it anally."

"What! Shove it up my arse?" asked Tony.
"That's right" the Dr replied, "but there is one possible side effect...
there's a 50% chance you may become homosexual." Tony was very concerned
about this but really wanted to be on the team so he agreed. Three weeks
later, Tony returned to the Dr looking trim and fitter.

"This is great!" he said. "I can eat anything I like. All I do is shove it
up me bum!".
"And you look great!" said the Dr "any gay feelings?" "No doc, none" said
Tony smiling. "Keep it up, and come back and see me in three weeks." When
Tony returned for his check-up, he had clearly lost more weight. He was
jubilant. "I've been eating Big Macs,
Kentucky Fried and heaps of cakes. I just shove the lot up. It's great! And
no gay inclinations!"
"Good!" said the Dr, "but come back next week for a
final check-up". Two weeks later Tony was back seeing the Dr. He appeared
very nervous, twitching, wriggling, standing on one foot then the other,
pacing up and down the Dr's office and swaying his hips from side to side.
"Oh no!" said the Dr, "you've become gay!"

"Don't worry, doc. Everything's OK. I'm just having a Mint".

[dixierider]

Too Funny


Talk about a bad day. While fishing in a cove that had lots of houses close by and a few boats within sight, the ol' mud-shark started barkin'. Bad breath too. No big deal I thought till it crept out and drew a picture in the bottom of my skivees. In panic I hopped up onto the back deck, covered myself with a life-jacket, popped open the livewell lid and dropped ol' muddy right into the port box. Pretty slick I thought till I realized I had no squatwipe. Well, my skivs were ruined anyhow so I used what was left of them. I put a few bullet weights in the skivs, tossed them over the side and gave them a good salute as they sank slowely toward the bottom. While I was digging through a storage box for a minnow net to release ol' muddy I heard a boat pull up. NO KIDDING, it was THE MAN! He asked how I was doin' and I told him I was just "hangin'". He went through the usual routine, life jacket, fishing license, etc.. Then he asked if he could look in my live-well. I stuttered in disbelief that I hadn't caught any fish and said "you don't have to look in there do ya"? He got real suspicious and a little snotty. I took offense to his attitude and said alright, then pointed to the port live- well lid. He opened the lid, stared in for a moment, slammed the lid down, looked up at me and said, "what the HELL is that"? I said "sir, that is a mud-shark. I'll put it on the rule if you want but I'm pretty sure it'll measure". The scowl on his face was PRICELESS! He hopped out of my rig, mumbled that he would write a ticket for that if he could and tore off. Laughing myself to tears I took the minnow net and released ol' muddy over a brush-pile. I "hung out" in the cove for a while longer and went home. That live-well is pretty comfy. I may just have to install a magazine rack in my boat.

[Oldeman]

When I was just a boy my pappy gave me a squirrel gun once for my birthday. It was a little 22LR/410 over and under. You know the kind with a break over breech fer loadin. The 410 shotgun was the lower barrel and the 22 was on top where the sites were. I loved that gun and I would go huntin squirrels or birds every chance I’d get.
Well I got up one summer morning and headed off to the creek bottom to do some hunting with my trusty ol squirrel gun and it was a beautiful morning too. It had rain some the night before so I put my high boots on case I had to cross the creek and so the grass wouldn’t wet my pants up.

I had the ol gun loaded up with a 22LR cause I was out of 410 shells and I had my eyes open for some squirrels. I must have walked an hour or so along that creek when I decided to cop a squat under and old oak tree on the bank and roll my up a smoke. I swiped some of my Grampa’s Bull Durham and papers and when I was off by myself like that I would smoke a little now and then. I pulled the string on the tobacco bag with my teeth to close it back up and stuffed in back into my coveralls and was just about to lick the paper and finish rollin up this smoke when I looked up across the creek and there was the biggest dam squirrel I had ever seen in my life. I spill my smoking tobacco all over myself.

So I just dropped the dang rollin paper and gently reach over and picked up that squirrel gun. I brought her up to take aim on that squirrel and as I looked down that barrel I noticed a big ol white tail buck standing right underneath him. Good Lord what to do! All I had was this single shot 22 and I wanted both the squirrel and the deer so bad I couldn’t stand it.

So I reached in my pocket and pulled another bullet out and bite the end off of it and dropped an extra lead down the barrel. I knowed it was a long shot but I took aim on that deers head and as I pulled the trigger I yanked up trying to get the squirrel at the same time. Well I got the deer ok but I missed the squirrel. I hit the limb he was sitting on though and it was dry rot so it blew up there and drove wood slivers all in that squirrel. He jumped around a bit on the limb and it broke off and he fell to his death with that broken limb.

The limb just so happened it fell and drove a sliver through three turkey feet which I hadn’t even noticed before. They was pinned to the ground so I jumped up to run across the creek over there and finish them off and the water got up over my high boots and filled them thangs up with cold creek water.

So when I got to the other side I pulled them off to empty out the water and they was both plum full of catfish. So I strung up the fish and made my way over to the tree where the game was and I noticed where that limb had broke off there was wild honey just poring out of that tree.

So I reach down to get some leaves and pine cones to plug up the hole until I could come back with some buckets for the honey and I grabbed a cottontail rabbit by mistake. He shook my up sumpin fierce so I throwed him down and broke his neck and killed three quail with him.

That’s my story and I’m stickin to it!

[Surfman]

Well, Oldeman, I myself owned such a gun when I was just a pup...was made by Stevens... and I also was deadly on dove, quail, and rabbit. So I know your story to be the sure 'nuff gospel!
But it causes me to recollect a similar experience I once had up in the White Mountains of Washington state. Mule deer was the quarry, and I left the gang back at base camp, heading for the summit in spite of heavy cloud banks. Sure enough, got caught in the worst blizzard of the year. I crawled up under a low slung Juniper bush, and let the snow cover me. Kept warm enough that I dozed off. Woke up late, about 9:AM and when I burrowed out, I couldn't see a thing! WHITEOUT! Thinkin real quick like, I unstrapped my big Case hunting knife and sliced off a peice of bark from that Juniper, and undid one bootlace. I cut two slits in the bark, and tied the lace to each end...made one of those eye masks them Eskimos use. Well sir, I no more that finished and here come 7 of them Mule deer (all bucks) down the trail The sun was so bright off that snow, by golly the first buck was walking along with his neck bent sideways and a squinting at that trail, while the other six were inline, each holding on to the others tail. What to do?
Well sir, it come to me, and I took careful aim down that barrel, and shot the tail off that first buck..then ran down to that trail,and grabed that tail in the first buck's mouth, and lead them other six bucks right into base camp, so my buddies could fill their tags too.
Yup, funny things happen "out there". City folks that just sit around by the television have no idea the things old timers like you and me have seen and done. You tell some of them city boys that, and by gosh, they just wouldn't believe you!

[grayfish]

.Attorney Hunting...

Hunting attorneys for sport has lately become somewhat of a past time for people. Enough so that the government has stepped in with new laws limiting such things as who can hunt them, how many can be hunted, and by what means...

1. Any person with a valid State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove road
kill to roadside, then proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or other aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free Perrier!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.

8. If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bountyon the pelt.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, vermin and contagious diseases.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys.



Attorney Bag Limits:

Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder = 5
Hairless Civil Libertarian = 7
Skinny-Assed Ambulance Chaser = 12
Horse or Cattle Rustler Defender = 20
Silver-Tongued Murderer Defender = 50
Jack-Legged Divorce Litigator = No limit
Honest Attorney = Extinct

[Oldeman]

Guys: NO Shirts, No Golf

Girls: No Shirts, No Green Fees

[Walkin' Jack]

THE CRABBY WIFE

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"


Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said,"Give me the bad news
first."

The trooper said,"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five
pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow! "

[PeteD]

Joe was describing a 30-pound fish he'd caught, after fighting it for three hours.

Sam interrupted, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. I don't think that fish weighed even 10 pounds."

Joe replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"

[grayfish]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:



1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.




"WELL DONE!"


"NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF!"

[Snagged]

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From Fishing

There is no such thing as too much equipment.

When in doubt, exaggerate.

If it feels good, it's fishing.

Everyone has a story about the one that got away.

It's good to be at the top of the food chain.

Even the best lines get weak after they've been used a few times.

Sometimes you've really got to squirm to get off the hook.

Cast everything in the best light possible.

Keep one eye on your bobber at all times.

Life is a stream of consciousness thing.

Take time to smell the fishes.

I fish therefore I am.

The way to a fisherman's heart is through his fly.

You never forget your first bite.

A fishing line has a hook at one end and an optimist at the other.

Fish always start to grow after they get away.

Life is a can of worms.

The fishing is always better on the other side of the lake.

When the going gets tough, the tough go fishing.

[Dr. Krol]

I hope this isn't over the line....

Enjoy !

Dr. Krol


Ted Nugent on deer hunting.


He was being interviewed by a British journalist.

The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it?

Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"



Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking.

All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.



They are very much like the French in that way."



Ouch........

[grayfish]

One day, a husband came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing

[Wes]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a big hurry! I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "This guy is nuts, asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." But, he shrugs and asks, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

[wisslbritches]

Animal Football

==========

The small animals and the big animals were having a game of football...

As might be expected at the end of the second quarter the big animals were
doing a job on the little animals and the score was 73-0 in favor of the big
animals.

At the start of the second half the small animals kicked off to the big
animals. The first down the big animals sent the tiger around left end, but
he was tackled for a 2 yard loss by the centipede.

In the second down, the big animals sent the hippo around right end, where
he was tackled by the centipede for another 2 yard loss.

Third down they sent the elephant right up through the middle of the line
only to have him stopped dead by the centipede.

As the little animals huddled in planning for the anticipated punt by the
big animals the captain of the little animals said...

"Hey centipede, great job!! Where were you in the first half?"

. .

"Getting my ankles taped.." came the reply.

[big john o]

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."

Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!

Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the hell out of here!"

[BiteEmNBeatEm]

So these 3 guys go hunting one morning and one of there buddies is so hungover he cant even keep his eyes open. After a long day of hunting without seeing a thing, mostly because of the alcohol smell from the drunk buddy, they decide to pack it up for the evening. Getting back to the truck, the hungover buddy decides to go **** behind this tree where he quickly falls asleep while dropping his load. Meanwhile one of the other hunters shoots this deer and decides to get even with his drunk buddy. He guts the deer and quietly slides the guts under the drunk guy's @ss.

A while later the drunk comes out from behind the tree, sweating up a storm, and the other hunters ask him how his **** went. Fine he answers, but with all that whiskey I drank last night, I must`ve craped my guts out, but I managed to shove `em back up with the barrel of my gun, so no worries!

[BiteEmNBeatEm]

Once there was a kid and his dad and they were out hunting and his dad told him to go sit in the corner of the field and be quiet and dont screme and the boy says ok........... he goes donwn to the corner of the field and is sitting there and 10 min later ........................ his dad heres this horific screme and he goes running down there and he says i thout i told you to be quiet and the kid said...... when the bear was breathing down the back of my neck i didnt screme and stayed quite and when the snake crawled acrost my leags i stayed still and quiet......but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said "SHOULD WE EAT THEM HERE OR TAKE THEM HOME" i couldnt handle it.

[mehansen]

The Saints coach had put together the perfect team for a stellar season. The only thing he was missing was a solid quaterback.

While watching the news one day, he saw an Afghan soldier throw a grenade 80 yards straight through a 2nd story window. He followed that by dropping anoother straight down a chimney from 50 yards away and finally, nailed a car speeding by at 55 mph.

"I've got to get this guy to play for the Saints," he tells himself.

So, he brings the young Afghan soldier to the United States and teaches him the great game of football, and sure enough, they win that year's Super Bowl.

The excited young man calls home to tell his mother of the news.

"Mom," he excitedly tells his mother, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old muslim woman says, "You deserted us- you are no longer my son."

"Mother, I don't think you understand- I just won the greatest sporting event in the world," the Afghan said.

"No, let me tell you something," lamented the old woman, "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. We are surrounded by rubble. Your two brothers have been beaten sensless and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped."

The old woman tearfully continued, "No, I'll never forgive you for moving us to New Orleans."

[jake67]

>It's football season! Fall weather! Cookouts! Picnics!
>Best socializing of the year! Here is the traditional collegiate
football quiz to begin the season.
>
>1) What does the average Oklahoma player get on his SAT?
>
>.........Drool.
>
>(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Arkansas cheerleaders in
one room?
>
>........A full set of teeth.
>
>(3) How do you get a South Texas cheerleader into your dorm room?
>
>........Grease her hips and push.
>
>(4) How do you get a University of Houston graduate off your porch?
>
>........Pay him for the pizza.
>
>(5) How do you know if a Texas Tech football player has a girlfriend?
>
>.......There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
>
>(6) Why is the Rice football team like a possum?
>
>........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
>
>(7) What are the longest three years of an Texas football player's
life?
>
>........His freshman year.
>
>(8) How many Aggie Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
>
>.......None -- that's a sophomore course.
>
>(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
>
>....... Waco, Texas-- he knew that the police would never look at
Baylor for a Heisman Trophy winner.
>
>AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)
>
>(10) Why did Oklahoma State choose orange as their team color?
>
>.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday,
and picking up trash along the highway the rest of the week.
>
>

[Walkin' Jack]

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....



#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN http://www.stripersonline.com/surftalk/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[aceshooter01]

Johnny was best friends with Doo-Dah. One day after school, Johnny went to Doo-Dah's house and rang the door bell. Doo-Dah's mom answered the door and he asked, "c-c-can Doo-D-D-D-Dah come o-o-o-out and s-s-sw-swim in the c-c-c-c-c-catfish p-p-p-pond?" Doo-Dah's mom said, "thats one bad stutter you got there Johnny! You need to work on that." Johnny said, "I-I-I see a g-g-g-girl and sh-sh-s-she is h-h-h-helping me. Sh-sh-she s-s-s-said t-t-t-to sing!" Doo-Dahs mom said, "thats good, but Doo-Dah can't come out today, maybe tomorrow." The next day Johnny went to get Doo-Dah after school to go swimming. While swimming, Doo-Dah slipped off a ledge into deeper water and went under. Knowing Johnny and his stutter, he couldn't possibly yell for help so he ran to Doo-Dahs house and beat on the door until Doo-Dahs mom answered. Johnny said, "D-D-D-Doo-Dah i-i-i-i-i-is d-d-d-d-d." Doo-Dah's mom cut him off and said, "Sing Johnny, Sing and it will come out." Johnny looked at Doo-Dahs mom and sang, "Guess who's drowning in the catfish pond.....Doo-Dah...Doo-Dah..."

[Tail'in around]

2 aggies decide to go in together on a boat. Neither one of them has owned a boat but they both think it can't be that hard to navigate.

Welll after reading the manuals for the boat, motor, and trailer they check and make sure everything is tied down good and take off on their first fishing trip.

They take off across the bay, both grinning ear to ear, having the time of their life when all the sudden they hear this big clunk and then a splash and the boat just stops. The first aggie looks back and says, "the **** motor just fell off". The other aggie looks at him and says, "Well it must be on the bottom of the bay and you checked to see if the motor was tight so your going down to get it."

The other aggie looks back in disappointment and dives in after it. after about 45 secs. or so the other aggies is getting worried about his partner so he clears the moss off the top of the water and sticks his head in the water to see what his friend is doing.

He just can't believe it, he has been down there all this time trying pulling the hell out of pull rope on the motor trying to start the motor. Buy this time the other aggie is getting low on air and comes back up for air but before he could even get a word in his buddy is swimming back down to the motor. So once again he clears the moss off the top of the water and looks down at his buddy just pulling the hell out of the rope and kicking the motor. he can tell his friend is getting extremely mad. He pulls his head up out of the water gets a deep breath and sticks his head back in and yells at the top of his lungs hoping his friend will hear him


"HEY STUPID,...... PULL THE CHOKE"

[WT427]

Two guys from Daniels County are quietly sitting in a boat at Fort Peck, Montana fishing and drinking beer.

Almost silently so as not to scare the fish Mel says, "I think I'm
going to
divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You
better
think it over - women like that are hard to find."

[cfred]

1. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

2. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

4. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

9. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

10. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

11. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot put ...for a 10.

12. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

13. Nonchalant putts count the same as "chalant" putts.

14. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

15. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

16. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

17. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

18. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

19. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

20. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

21. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

22. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

23. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

24. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

25. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

26. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

27. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

28. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

29. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.

30. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

31. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

32. Go lf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

33. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that is why I get so many calls to play with friends.

34. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

35. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

36. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

37. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

38. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

39. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight
(or worse).

40. You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.

41. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are

performing brain surgery.

[Tom]

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN ? ABSOLUTELY A
TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.


A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments
of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin .
It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two
guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new
NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water
area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is
going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can
produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with
a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might
slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and
becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following
course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty
thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the
GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the
dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick
of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler
at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master,
keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog
stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot,
and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of
course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the
truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the
truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! !
! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving
the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened"
looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to
make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay.. .doing fine. And you thought Rednecks lived in the
South.!!!

[Mr.AJ]

two aggies whent hunting in south texas, one was from ontario so he wasn't used to the "hot" weather. when they were walking to their spot when one of them topples over from heat exaustion . The other being an aggie calls 911
the calm voice on the other side goes "how may i help you",the aggie goes
"my friend just fell over dead",
the calm voice said ,"first let's make sure he's dead,... before she could say anything else the phone was put down and she heard a gunshot and the aggie picked up the phone again and said,"now what?"

[-JAW-]

ONE OF THE ADVANTAGES BOWLING HAS OVER GOLF IS THAT YOU SELDOM LOSE A BOWLING BALL.
- Don Carter


YOU CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY IN THIS GAME. JUST ASK MY EX-WIVES.
BOTH OF THEM ARE SO RICH THAT NEITHER OF THEIR HUSBANDS WORK
- Lee Trevino


A LITTLE GIRL WAS AT HER FIRST GOLF LESSON WHEN SHE ASKED AN INTERESTING QUESTION. "IS THE WORD SPELLED P-U-T OR P-U-T-T?" SHE ASKED THE INSTRUCTOR. "P-U-T-T IS CORRECT," HE REPLIED. "PUT MEANS TO PLACE A THING WHERE YOU WANT IT. PUTT MEANS MERELY A VAIN ATTEMPT TO DO THE SAME THING."


ART SAID HE WANTED TO GET MORE DISTANCE. I TOLD HIM TO HIT IT AND RUN BACKWARD.
- Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum


I READ THE GREENS IN SPANISH, BUT PUTT IN ENGLISH.
- Chi Chi Rodriguez

THE ONLY THING IN MY BAG THAT WORKS IS THE BUG SPRAY.
- Bruce Lansky


GOLF IS A GAME IN WHICH THE SLOWEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE THOSE IN FRONT OF YOU AND THE FASTEST ARE THOSE BEHIND.


I'VE HAD A GOOD ROUND OF GOLF WHEN I DON'T FALL OUT OF THE CART.
- Buddy Hackett


RELAX? HOW CAN ANYBODY RELAX AND PLAY GOLF? YOU HAVE TO GRIP THE CLUB, DON'T YOU?
- Ben Hogan


MY BODY IS HERE, BUT MY MIND HAS ALREADY TEED OFF.


GOLF IS WHAT YOU PLAY WHEN YOU'RE TOO OUT OF SHAPE TO PLAY SOFTBALL.


I FOUND OUT THAT ALL THE IMPORTANT LESSONS OF LIFE ARE CONTAINED IN THE THREE RULES FOR ACHIEVING A PERFECT GOLF SWING --
1. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN
2. FOLLOW THROUGH
3. BE BORN WITH MONEY

[fabian31268]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they dont catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.

As theyre driving home theyre really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The girlfriend says, "Wow! Its a good thing we didnt catch any more!"

[TomCat]

Stupid me! I left my truck window down a few inches so the truck could air out. I had 2 tickets to the Texans game on the seat. Well that few inches was just enough room for someone to get their arm in the window and now I have 4 tickets to the Texans game. To make maters worse another guy was hanging around waiting for a chance to make his move. Good thing I got out of there when I did.

[mastercylinder]

A man and his football tickets...



A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in his right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

[fishinfella]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[chubri777]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.





"No," he says, "The seat is empty."





"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"





He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."





"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or
even a neighbor to take the seat?".







The man shakes his head, "No, they're all at the funeral."

[spotsndots]

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are playing together in a charity golf tournament. Stevie has a unique way of golfing as Tiger learned. Stevie's caddy gives him his driver and runs down the fairway. About 250 yards away he yells, "Stevie, Stevie."

Stevie Wonder pulls his driver back and whacks the ball within 10 feet of his caddy. They continue this again and again with Stevie Wonder hitting it very close to his caddy. He pars and birdies almost every time.

"Wow, that is impressive Stevie." Tiger said.

"Yeah! I can beat anyone at golf." Stevie answered.

"Well. Not everyone", Tiger said back.

"No, I can even beat you."

"Stevie, I'm the best golfer in the world. No offense but I think I could probably beat you."

"No, I don't think so," Stevie said with confidence. "As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to put a little money on a hole."

"Stevie, come on, I don't want to take your money."

"No Tiger. Let's do it... $1,000."

"$1,000? Why not $10,000," said Tiger.

"You're on." As they shook hands Tiger said, "You name the time and place Stevie."

"Okay, how about hole number 1... right here... midnight."

[bill]

The people up North and ice fishing. I tried ice fishing once. Started early in the morning. By the time I chopped a hole big enough to launch the boat is was almost dark.

[-JAW-]

My French Canadian neighbor went ice fishing yesterday. He had a good day; brought home nearly 500 pounds!





Only problem was his wife almost drowned trying to fry it up! :wink:



:rybka:

[Tiny]

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 pound bass on the first cast and a 7 pound on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.



It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the
hospital.

He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out fishing for the past four hours, enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then snickered and said, "I'm just jacking with you. She's dead.
What'd you catch?" http://www.2coolfishing.com/ttmbforum/images/icons/icon10.gif

[NechesBobcat]

GREAT FISHING STORY!!!

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 pound bass on the first cast and a 7 pound on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the
hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then snickered and said, "Just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

[spotsndots]

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an older gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man, as he was golfing alone. Unable to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. he didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, he heard the old man say, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk, and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lain.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

[TXXpress]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that? Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ***' is it?" Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother".

[Dave Kelly]

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a
role model:
"I wan' all da kids to do what I do, to look up to
me. I wan' all the kids
to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked
about the
upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500
yards, whichever
comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say,
"I'd run over my
own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of
the Raiders said:
"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on
his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear
earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe
Theismann, 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A
genius is a guy
Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of
Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long
it takes."

(now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up
in groups of
three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to
prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?
He went
to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawk's left wing,
explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when
I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the
Spartan training
regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who
gets
up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what
time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball
player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared
nervous
at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I
don't know
if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in
January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former
player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it
ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
recounting
what he told a player who received four F's and one
D: "Son,
looks to me like you're spending too much time on
one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum
Phillips when asked
by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road
trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is too **** ugly to kiss
good-bye."






--
A little rum in the morning coffee. Just to clear the cobwebs, ya know.

[rjohnson107]

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!"

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!" T he Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls:

"Walk."

The batter starts his slow trot to first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard run!" The people around him begin laughing.

Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment,leans over and explains, "He can't run ~ he has four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

[rjohnson107]

20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still fish.

19 - A limp rod is still useful while fishing.

18 - You don't have to hide your fishing magazines.

17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you once in a while.

16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against fishing.

15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the internet if you become famous.

14 - Your fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.

13 - It's perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.

12 - When you see a really good fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you fishing together.

11 - If your regular fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you fish with someone else.

10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish by yourself.

9 - When dealing with a fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy fishing stuff.

7 - You can have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to fish with you without >> getting sued for fishing harrassment.

6 - There are no fishing-transmitted diseases.

5 - If you want to watch fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

4 - Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

3 - Nobody expects you to give up fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

2 - You don't have to be a newly wed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

1 - Your fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just fished last week! Is fishing all you ever think about?

[BritishSlave]

Mexico Drops Out Of Olympics

President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics . He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

[-JAW-]

This is a true story.

I used to live on one of the best lake trout and salmon lakes in upper New England, a mere fifteen feet from the shore. And while I do take full advantage of nature's pure water bounty, I prefer to take my angling with a few grains of salt, so to speak.

Now, mostly in the summer, I do favor the ocean spray 'round Rye. . . the Isle of Shoals, and to eastward. The ocean is big enough to hold all those summer people who flock north, my lake isn't.

Early in the morning, particularly on the weekends, the Flatlanders come trolling. From Memorial to Labor Day they come, right on past my house. They start at dawn, right next to shore often. . . putt, putt, putt, all morning long.

This one morning I'm gonna talk about, I was up Sunday early. The first trolling Pilgrims had awoken me at dawn, and while the coffee was set to perking, I decided to clean my catch from yesterday.

You see, a friend of mine and I had gone out of Rye Harbor, party boating on Saturday evening, and we had a few beers after. So as it was a bit late towards mornin' when I got home. I hadn't cleaned the fish, figuring they would keep well enough in the big cooler, long as I tied the lid down tight against the coons and other night critters.

So there I was, down on my boat ramp, probably a little after seven, the day was quite well started. I had already scaled and gutted the mackerel I had kept. - They do up real quick, being small and all, only 'bout a pound or two. Anyhow, I was working on the two bluefish I had brought home. One was about eight pounds and the other around six, maybe six and a half.

Now I am cleaning my fish, when sure enough here comes a boatload of Pilgrims trolling maybe fifty feet off shore right past me. Well, they saw the one fish I was rinsing off and immediately started a big loop to come by me again, but much closer this time, maybe twice as close in. I ignored them and washed the second bluefish in the lake.

"Pretty nice fish." one of them said. I allowed as how they were, and even held them up when the Flatlander ask for a look at them. "What kind of fish are they? Where'd you catch 'em, Bub?" he asked. "What'd ya use for bait, huh?"

Well now, I could feel a little of last night still bubbling. I hadn't had my coffee yet, and I must admit to a tad of ire at being "Bubbed" by a strange Pilgrim who can't tell a fish at twenty-five feet, but who could sure spoil a peaceful Sunday morning mood. So, with a least a pinch of unchristian feeling, "Salmon." I said. "Up the lake a piece, way up." I held up a mackerel and added, "Suckers, Chief! The bigger the fish, the bigger the sucker. They're still biting I bet!"

Last seen the Pilgrims were headed north around the bend at a mighty clip.


:rybka:

[Trouthunter]

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.


The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"




The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good

shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the



mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."





The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"




The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The
old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."


The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No...
Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The Doctor said in
amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

[RonE]

The World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"
The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping,
drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.


The End

[-JAW-]

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, or complain . . .

But this was long ago . . .

and it was just ONE day.

The End




(from Snakeman)

[golffisherbob]

Once upon a time a guy ask a girl to marry him....she said no. He played golf and got to keep all of his sh$! and lived happy ever after.

[-JAW-]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round
of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman
carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who
brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him
away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a
topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to
smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything
that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy
playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on
how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball
on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the
middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put
her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I have faded it
a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the
blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the
hole (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "****, lady, you played
that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven
would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then
tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out
of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the
fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like
a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a
shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this
course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll
take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill
Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the
rest of the night.

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green,
carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6
inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that
little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the
right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the
cup.

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it
up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"


OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME SKILL AND YOUTHFUL VITALITY EVERY TIME!


via Snakeman

[-JAW-]

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally, his exasperated partner asked, "What the heck is taking so long?"

"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Sam explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in He11 of hitting her from here!"

(from Snakeman)

:rybka: