archive: DUMB HUMOR - Blonde, Redneck, etc.

[BertS]

Joe took his, knock-down gorgeous, blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

[bluefisher]

ka: How Diane got rear ended!

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

[-JAW-]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-five's, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity sny longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the framed puzzle pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but did it in 51 days!"

[WillFish]

Man walks into a bar and orders a beer then asks the bartender "You want to hear a great blonde joke?"

Bartender turns around "Mister I'm 280 lbs. all muscle and blonde. You sure you want to tell this joke? My friend here is 250 trained in martial arts and blonde. You sure you want to tell this joke? My other friend there is 300 lbs. mean as a pitbull, and blonde. You sure you want to tell this joke?

The man looks around that the three and thinks for a moment. "Yeah, your probably right, I wouldn't want to have to explain it 3 times!"

[-JAW-]

This archive is for G and PG rated humor about stupidity and people who do dumb things. Jokes posted on the main forum will be archived after 30 days.

Please do not post any pictures or active links in this thread.

[Snagged]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers shooting

the breeze. Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz

out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat

make us kin?"

Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so.....but

it shore would make us even!"

[Galveston Yankee]

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She then pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[PurpleRain2011]

Every Hour a Blonde would walk out and check her mail. Finally her neighbor couldn't help but ask "Why do you check your e-mail EVERY hour?!" "Well," replied the blonde " My stupid computer keeps on saying 'You've got mail!'!" -Allicat41, if you read this its me Rachel!:bluefish: :bluefish: :dance: :fish: :walkingsm :an4:

[Bay Gal]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a
"handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She
went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my
porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly
responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and
everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the
conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all
the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're
right. I guess I'm starting to
believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man
reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
her.
And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[-JAW-]

A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you --- God?"

The voice replied, "NO, I OWN THE ICE-RINK!"

[Bob Samples]

Guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins watching the news. Everyone is watching with rapt attention since the camera shows a man on a building ledge about 30 stories up about to jump. The police are frantically trying to talk him down.

The guy says to the female blonde barkeep, "I bet he jumps" She says, "NO, I don't believe he will" Guy, peeling off a $20 bill, lays it on the counter, says "OK, cover that!" She immediately does so with her $20 bill.

In about 1 minute, the guy on the ledge does a swan dive into eternity. The
guy at the bar, picking up the money says, "I feel bad about taking your money because I saw the news at 5:00 PM and knew he would jump." The Blonde said, "Yes, I saw that too but I didn't think he would do it again!"

[Bob Samples]

A tall blonde, blue eyed highway patrol officer was crusing along I-10 when a red convertable passed going 80+. Quickly giving chase, the officer pulled over the red convertable and saw it was being driven by a young, beauiful blonde driver.

The officer said, let me see your drivers license. The driver got her purse and dug through it, then repeated the procedure. She finally said, I forgot, what did you want to see?

The officer said, that little thingie that has your picture on it! The driver looks again, finds a compact with a mirror. She opens it and sees her face, so she hands it to the
Officer. The officer looks for a long moment, then said, If you had told me you were a Highway Patrol Officer, we wouldn't have to have gone through all this!

[Texas T]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting on the porch shooting da breeze.

Thibodeaux asked Boudreaux, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"

Boudreaux scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't tink so...but it shore would make us even!"

[Bobby]

Never Choke in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a
shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly,a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so,it becomes apparent that
she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says
"Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head
"No". Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd
heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[bill]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[-JAW-]

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"

The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."

The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on
Sundays."

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the
John Deere."

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"

The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was
a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

[dbar6488]

I hope this is not already on here.

There was this blonde lady driving down the highway really fast. A cop that just happened to be another blond lady pulled her over and walked up to the car.

cop: " Could I see your drivers license please?"

driver: "I'm not sure what that is. What does it look like?"

cop: " It is plastic and has your picture on the front of it."

The lady starts looking through her purse and finds a compact. She opens it up and sees herself.

driver: " Officer, I think this is it."

The officer looks at the compact and then leans down and says

cop: " Why didn't you tell me you were a cop? I would have let you go a few minutes ago."

[-JAW-]

A blonde found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[Snagged]

Football analysis by a blonde...

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!" Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!

[Bobby]

Boudreaux died and was on his way down to Hell. In anticipation, the Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux. When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey Boudreaux, how do you like the heat down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon in July."
That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "NOW how do you like it down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou Lafourche."
As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters. When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW, Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one happy Cajun!"
The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one happy Cajun?!!"
Boudreaux, still shivering says, "The Saints done won the Superbowl!"

[Bobby]

Pierre and Boudreaux went on a camping trip.
After supper and several beers they both laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Boudreaux woke up and nudged Pierre.
Boudreaux says, "Pierre, look up at de sky and tell me whatchu see."
Pierre replies, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Boudreaux says, "What does dat tell you?"
Pierre ponders for a minute, den says ... "Astronomically, it tells me dat dere are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe dat Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce dat de time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see dat God is all powerful and dat we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect dat we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
Well, despite all of de amazing information coming from Pierre, Boudreaux is not impressed. Boudreaux asks, "Mais Pierre, but *what* does dat tell you?"
Pierre is silent and puzzled, and doesn't answer.
Boudreaux slaps Pierre across de head and says, "Pierre, you idiot. Someone has stolen our dam tent!"

[Bobby]

Boudreaux was riding along the highway when a truck passes with some pigs in it. One of the pigs falls out and Boudreaux stops to pick it up.
A while later, a state trooper stops and says "Boudreaux, what you doin with dat pig?"
Boudreaux says "A man passed by wid a truck full of pigs and dis one fell out. I was goin to try to catch up with de truck and give de man his pig back."
The state trooper says "Boudreaux, dat man is long gone, why don't you just take dat pig to de zoo?"
Boudreaux said "OK".
A couple of days later, the state trooper sees Boudreaux on the highway with the pig still in his truck.
He stops Boudreaux and says "Didn't I tell you to bring dat pig to the zoo?"
Boudreaux says "Mais, yea, but we had so much fun at de zoo dat I tink we are gonna go to AstroWorld now!"

[Bobby]

When Boudreaux was a little boy he was called "Tee-Boudreaux". "Tee Boudreaux" lived with his family in a house with no indoor plumbing. Instead they had an outhouse out in the back of the house. His dad, Papa Boudreaux, wanted the best he could get for the Boudreaux family. So they had a "two holer" outhouse so that two people could "go" at the same time.
One day Tee-Boudreaux and Papa Boudreaux were both in the outhouse when Tee-Boudreaux saw his Papa accidentally drop a quarter into the hole.
Tee-Boudreaux noticed his Papa thinking about something a while then reach into his pocket, pull out a dollar bill, and drop it into the hole where the quarter had gone.
Tee-Boudreaux saw this and said, "Mais, Papa what you dropped dat dollar bill into dat hole for?!".
Papa Boudreaux said, "May Tee-Boudreaux, I didn't have de heart do send you down dere for just a quarter!"

[Bobby]

Pierre and Boudreaux found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in Port Barre shut down. But their boss said they could go to the LSU office -- you know ... the Louisiana State Unemployment Office -- so that Pierre and Boudreaux could get some money from the State while out of a job.
So Pierre and Boudreaux went to the LSU office.
As Pierre waited, Boudreaux sat down at a desk and was interviewed by the lady there.
"And what was your former occupation?" she asked.
"Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialized in ladies underpants." Boudreaux proudly replied.
So the lady looks it up in her big book and says, "OK, you're eligible for $50 a week."
"You mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I kin get $50 a week. Man, dats betta den crawfishin'!" Boudreaux shouted.
Then Pierre sat down and the lady asked him the same question.
Pierre looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was one a dem diesel fitters."
She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're eligible for $200 a week in unemployment benefits."
"Wait a minute!" Boudreaux shouted. "Mais, how come Pierre gets $200 a week, and me, I only get $50. I tole you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do dat kind of work so de seams are all nice an straight an smooth so nutting scratches de lady. An Pierre here, he's only a diesel fitter. And he's gonna make at least twice more dan me?!"
"Oh," the lady replied, "but he's a skilled laborer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oil fields and heavy equipment users. There's not many diesel specialists around." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady," Boudreaux continued, "you got dat all wrong. Yeah, Pierre's a diesel fitter, all right. But what dat means is dat after I do all de fine work on de lady drawers, he picks dem up, looks 'em over and stretches dem dis way and dat, and den says, 'Yep, dese'll fit her!'"

[Bobby]

You're in the Army now Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap...
The Army is still looking for him.

[Bobby]

Boudreaux and Thibideaux were on their very first train ride out west. They had brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet," Boudreaux asked excitedly? "No," replied Thibideaux.
"Well, don't touch it den," Boudreaux
exclaimed. "I yust took one bite and went blind!"

[Bobby]

She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote
"Sagittarius."
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

[Bobby]

"Point of Origin"

April and I get a kick out of discussing the Bible. We were pondering
the creation story and the first family. If it was only Adam and Eve's
kids, then, if you think about it, they would have had to have sex with
each other to make the earth populated.

April said, "I told you the Garden of Eden was in Alabama."

[Bobby]

Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with
man's arm around woman:

Man: "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our
institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals
that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'"

Woman: "Right, Daddy"

[Saint51]

Boudreaux and his girlfriend decide to get married. They have a big ol' blowout party and pretty soon, Boudreaux can't find his bride or his buddy Thibodaux. He goes looking for them and after a long search, finds them in the back bedroom engaging in some adult fun. Boudreaux justs shakes his head and says, Dat Thibodaux done got so drunk, he thinks he's me.

[mudd_catt]

A man meets a beautiful blonde and decides he wants to marry her right away. She tells him they don't know anything about each other. He tells her that it's fine ..... they can learn about each other as they go along.
She consents, they marry ... then leave for their honeymoon to a very
nice resort. One morning as they are lying by the pool, he gets up from
his towel. He climbs the 10 meter board and fluidly performs a two and a half tuck gainer followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, then straightens out and cuts the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he comes back and eases back on his towel. Very excited, she says, "That was incredible!"
I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he says. "You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
The blonde gets up, jumps in the pool, and starts doing laps. After about fifty laps, she climbs back out and lays down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
Very excited, he says, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
endurance swimmer ?" No," she answers. "I was a hooker in Laredo, Texas, and I worked both sides of the river. __________________________________

[BillLovesFishin]

One day Boudreaux walked past Thibadeaux's house and noticed a sign in his yard that said "boat for sale". The next day when Boudreaux saw Thibadeaux he asked him about the sign and said all you got is that ol tractor and scooter. Thibadeaux replied, yeah and they boat for sale.

[Blue Water Ho]

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Crowley, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Boudreaux to investigate.



He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.



"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.



Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."



Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"



"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight.



The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that, but what about the others?"



Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."



"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"



"De duck won."

[Snagged]

A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to
the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and
cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss,
who was also blonde, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" she asked.

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing!" said the boss. "What do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee."

[Galveston Yankee]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! ... I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee."

[Galveston Yankee]

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it
A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush."

Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question.

Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it

A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush."

Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Pam: "Are you sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"

Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Carol says, "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."

[Rip]

Cajuns In Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some Cajuns up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all over their robes. Ham hock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every animal up here! Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children.

If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil and see how he is dealing with them."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? hold on." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello, God, what! can I do for you?"

God replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there, with the
Cajuns you have there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?" God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... Hold on, God." This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, God, I can't talk right now. These Coon Asses have done put the fire out, and are holding a benefit Crawfish and Shrimp boil to install air conditioning.

[Texas T]

The Boudreauxs are driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

Marie is behind the wheel.

Boudreaux suddenly looks across at her and speaks in his clear cajun voice. "Darlin'," he says, "I know we ben' married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

Marie says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

Boudreaux speaks again. " I donn wan you to try to talk me out of it," he says, "'cause ah ben havin' an affair wit you best friend, Tu-tutt, an' she's a far betta' lover den you are."

Again Marie stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. " I want duh house," he says insistently.

Up to 60....

"I want duh car too," he continues.

65 mph.

"An," he says. "I'll have duh bank accounts, all duh credit cards an' duh boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This make him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her "Isn't dere anyting you want?"

Marie at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice, "No, I got everting I need," she says.

"Really?" He inquires with a smile, "So what you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, Marie turns to him and smiles. "Duh airbag!"

[Texas T]

One day there was a black bear loose near Thibodeaux's camp at Bayou Benoit. It climbed up a mulberry tree and wouldn't leave.

Boudreaux drove by and saw Thibodeaux and a crowd of people standing a safe distance away looking up at something in the tree. When Thibodeaux saw Boudreaux coming he ran to meet his buddy saying,"There is a big bear in my mulberry tree. What I'm gonna do? It won't come down!"

"Don't worry 'bout 'dat Tib, I can get him down. I'll go home and get my gun, my stick and handcuffs and Ole Blue."

Boudreaux returned with all three things. He walked up to the tree and asked Thibodeaux to help him.

"What you gonna do wit' doze t'ings, anh?" Thibodeaux asked his friend.

Boudreaux explained that he would climb up there next to the bear and poke him with the stick. "When the bear lets go, he will fall to the ground," Boudreaux continued. "Then OleBlue, the two-tooth dog, will lock on to his crotch and when the bear puts his paws on the dog's head, you handcuff the bear, and we capture him."

"I don't understand,: Thibodeaux said. "Why you have 'de gun wit' that buckshot?' "Well, if the bear knocks me down instead, be sure to shoot Ole Blue before I hit the ground."

[Texas T]

Poor ole Boudreaux up and died one day. Upon arriving at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter greeted him, "Welcome to Heaven, dere Boudreaux!" Boudreaux exclaimed "Mai, tank ya, cher!" St. Peter explained to ole Boudreaux that there was one stipulation before he was allowed through the gates of Heaven....he had to answer one question and get it right. Boudreaux scratched his head and said, "Mai, ok, cher. What dat be?" St. Peter says "What is God's first name?" Boudreaux answers, "Mai, cher, dat be easy, it's Howard." St. Peter (laughing himself silly) "HOWARD? May I ask you, Boudreaux, how'd you come up with that name?" Boudreaux, smiling proudly, says "Mai cher, dat be an easy one.....Our Fadda who art in Heavin, HOWARD be dy name." St. Peter, still chuckling, says "I can't argue with that one, Boudreaux! Come on in!"

[-JAW-]

A blond Texas fisherwoman who shall go unnamed, finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. . . "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Our blonde again prays. . .

God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. . .

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and our blonde anglerette is confronted by the voice of God Himself. . .

"How about meeting Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

[-JAW-]

Did you hear about the blonde that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind?

Did you hear that they found another "Heaven Gates" cult member? Yea...it was a blonde and she was under the sink looking for the comet!

Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?

Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes? A: Because they go answer the door.

Q: Why is it a blonde can not have more than a 10 minutes lunch break? A: Because otherwise you have to retrain her.

Q: What do you call a couple of blondes in the front seat of a car? A: Air Bags.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of water-skis? A: She's still looking for a lake with a slope.

Q: There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure? A: The Blonde, she was 18.

Q: What did the blonde call her pet zebra? A: Spot.

Q: How do blonde's brain cells die? A: Alone.

Q: How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree? A: Wave to her!

Q: What do you call blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes!

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby? A: I hope it's mine.

Q: Why did the blonde turn into the ditch? A: She left her blinker on!

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A: You knock on the door.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted.

Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes? A: An interpreter.

Q: How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves? A: She falls out of the tree!

Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde who had a bumper sticker that said, "ALL BLONDES AREN'T DUMB?" A: No one could read it because it was hung upside-down.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill herself? A: She jumped out a basement window.

Q: Why can't blondes pass their driving tests? A: Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.

Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap? A: She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: What's an intelligent blonde? A: A Golden Retriever.

Q: What did they call the blonde that was found dead in the closet? A: The 1994 Hide and Go Seek Champion.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies? A: There's M&M Shells all over the floor.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.

Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A: They are both empty from the neck up!

Q: Why does a blonde keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of her car? A: In case she locks her keys in.

Q: Did you hear how the Blonde Hockey Team drowned? A: Spring Training.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a business suit, sitting on a tree, holding a briefcase? A: A branch manager

Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low? A: She thought it was Diet Coke.

Q: What does a blonde say after two more years of college? A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age? A: "Today children, we will learn our ABC's..."

Q: What do you call a blonde with a leather jacket? A: A rebel without a clue.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a postal worker? A: A floozy with an Uzi.

Q: Why did the Blond wear high-heel shoes? A: She was once told by her mother to never sell herself short.

Q: What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go? A: A blonde at a flashing red light.

Q: What happened to the Blonde Tap Dancer? A: She fell in the sink.

Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot? A: Maybe someday, we'll find bigfoot.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in a corner.

Q: What did the blond say when her boyfriend blew in her ear? A: Thanks for the refill, honey.

Q: Why don't blondes ever eat pickles? A: Because they can't ever get their heads out the jar!

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear with a hose at the end? A: An air compressor.

Q: What do you call a line of blondes standing ear to ear. A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge? A: In case someone wants black coffee.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so stupid? A: So brunettes can get them!

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute for higher learning? A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call an eternity? A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? A: Oh look, Daddy... Doughnut seeds.

Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? A: Because it said concentrate.

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why can't Blondes dial 911? A: They can't find the 11 on the phone!

Q: Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said, "Where, where?"

Q: How do you drown a Blonde? A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? A: They drowned in Spring Training.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her joke on Wednesday.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been on the computer? A: There is Whiteout on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if she has been on again? A: She has left cheese for the mouse.

Q: Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch? A: A man who told one to many blonde jokes.

[Snagged]

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.

[-JAW-]

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold her for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground.

Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent her home to show it to her parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[-JAW-]

You might be a redneck if. . .

you drive your truck through a metal detector and. . .

it doesn't go off.

[Copzilla]

You might be a redneck if...

You flatten a tire on your truck, and you borrow a tire from your house.

[-JAW-]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of west Texas. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather...."are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those
plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your
meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,
he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these
plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask
me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let
him pass so he said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV
his grandfather shouted ." COLDWATER, Go lay down!


:rybka: (Been there; Done that!)

[FishinChick©]

You ARE An EXTREME Redneck When.....



1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.


2. Your truck's Blue Book value goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, yal, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the "Star-Spangled Banner's" last words are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[-JAW-]

As a butcher is shooing a yellow lab from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in her mouth. The note reads: "My name is Lucy. I want $10 worth of lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches her wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, she walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile she stands on her back paws to pull the "stop" cord, then the butcher follows her off. The dog runs up to a house and drops her bag on the stoop. She goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws herself - Whap! - against the door. She does this
again and again. No answer. So she jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, scratches her paw against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big old guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy, "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my foot! It's the second time this week she's forgotten her key."

[Galveston Yankee]

One of our local rednecks, Billy Joe Bob, while a total idiot was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he could paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request.

The beautiful lady said money was no object,
she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not willing to get into trouble with his wife,
Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with this wife.

In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place
to wipe his brushes!!

[Galveston Yankee]

A blonde lady motorist was two hours from Busch Gardens when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Tampa?"

"Sure am," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered
to the Busch Gardens Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into
the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat
belts.

Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Tampa
when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two
chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars
to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so we
went to the movies!!!

[gutbustinfunny]

There were two blondes, and they had just come from a store. The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stopped to rest for a second. When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the tops down!"

For more great blonde jokes visit www.gutbustinfunny.com (http://www.gutbustinfunny.com/)

[-JAW-]

IDIOTS IN SERVICE

This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working.

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.


IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: cars were hitting too many deer and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.


IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

I went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. I asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.


IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."


IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"


IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.


IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.


IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

When I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up my car, I was told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

[-JAW-]

The following questions and answers were collected from tests given to 16 year old students. One of them may be the President someday.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the
borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

[Gottogo]

One day Boudreaux, him, he was sittin in his coffee shop, drinkin a
pop, wen dis grate big fella come in and knocks him off da stool.
The big fella say, "Dat was a karate chop frum Korea."

Boudreaux, him, he don't say nuttin, he jus get back on his stool an
take anudder drink frum his pop.> WHAM!, da big fella knock Boudreaux down agin an say, "Dat was a judo
chop frum Japan."

Boudreaux still don't say nuttin, he jus get up an walk out of dat
coffee shop.




Bout a hour later, Boudreaux come back in an witout sayin nuttin, he
walk up to dat big fella an WHACK! he knock dat big fella off his stool
an knock him out cold. Den Boudreaux tell da manager,

"Mais, wen he wake tell him dat was a crowbar from da Walsmart."

[-JAW-]

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a woman sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde bimbo who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry." and gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I just told her, First Class isn't going to Houston."

[2busy2fish]

An Aggie was in the market for a good retreiver for duck hunting and stopped by the local breeder. He asked the owner if he had a dog that would make a good duck dog. The owner took the Aggie around back and proceeded to show him his inventory. After a little cage shopping the Aggie selected a Black Lab and asked the owner if he could see the dog in action. The owner took the dog out to a pond in the back and toosed a few training decoys. The dog was awsome. The Aggie was impressed and started counting out money to pay for the dog. Just as he got to the last $50 dollars the Aggie remembered that his dad told him that a good duck dog must have a small rectum or he will take on water thus slowing the dog down i. The Aggie explained this to the breeder and asked to see the dogs rectum. Unfortunatley the rectum was larger than the Aggie had hoped for and told the breeder he would have to select another. The breeder was perplexed at first but, thinking quickly he reached around behind the dog and squeezed his testicles. In amazement the rectum shrank to about half it's size!!!! He looked at the Aggie who by now had a smile as big as Texas. I forgot, the breeder said, I had this one set for Quail!!!

[crab claw]

In the late 1800's Texas A & M had just switched from a liberal arts college to one offering agriculture and mechanical engineering degrees. The two newly minted grads were roommates and after graduating, decided since they had ag. degrees, they would try farming. One of them had an aged grandmother who had recently died and left a farm on the Brazos River.

Since that was prime farming land, they decided to start there. They had housekeeping stuff, but no farming implements, wagon or a team of mules.
So, early one morning, they struck out walking down a path along the river until they came to their neighbor's farm.

Now this farmer saw them coming, in more than one way. They tried to buy his mules, but he couldn't sell since those were the only farm animals he had for farming his land. After discussing all possibilities, and where else they might find a team, he said that if they weren't in a terrible hurry, he might be able to help them. He stated he had 2 "mule eggs" he might sell them.

Hours of discussion, haggling and bargaining took place and finally, the farmer
and the 2 Aggies struck on a price. The farmer goes into his house and brings out two very large Black Diamond watermelons, one under each arm. Now time had passed and the sun was set when they started home.

Walking along the trail along the river wasn't as easy going back in the dark, particularly since there wasn't a wide path and the edges were lined with briars and tall grass. Suddenly, one Aggie stumbled, dropped his melon and it split in several large pieces, one flying into the foliage. This startled a Jack Rabbit who until then was minding his own business. Since it was easier for the Jack to run down the trail, he took off in a cloud of dust. The other Aggie said, "you'd better catch your mule"! So the first Aggie took off in hot pursuit.

The more careful Aggie gets home, puts down his melon and begins to fix supper. Time goes by and around 2 hours pass before the first Aggie returns. He is exhausted, has briar scratches all over and his clothes are in shreads. His friend said, "Didn't catch him, did you". The reply was, " No, but I didn't want to plow that fast anyway!"

[Flynm]

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know - - that's 200 miles from here," and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U S government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about?
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."

[Bandman]

One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya Basin,
Boudreaux made a confession.

"We all been friends for tirty year and been tru a lot. I never told ya'll
dis befo 'cause I don't wanna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay."

Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say, "We kinda figured dat out a
while back, but wadn't gonna say nuttin' 'cause we din't wanna embarrass
you".

Boudreaux tanked them for they understand and continued, "Da reason I'm tollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and I got six munt to liv. Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat yall wont let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and I wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes from dat bridge up dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together." Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend as asked.

Sho' nough, six munts later Beoudreaux died, and they were standin on the
bridge with the ashes.

Fontenot was about to trow dem out when Thibodeaux stop him: "Wait,
you gotta say sumtin," he say.

"I donno what to say. I never waz much bout goin' to church" Fontenot
admitted.

Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'....anyting, Make it
rhyme."

Fontenot, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out over
da swamp and say,
"Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, if you liked women, You'd be here wit us

[Bobby]

A depressed drunk blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A little bit later, a man was walking his
dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asked her what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."

"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,' said the onlooker.

"I tried that," replied the drunk blonde, "but I couldn't breath."

[Brady Bunch]

A man was reared in Cajun country, but had been living out of
state for many years. On one of his infrequent visits, he stopped by the
cemetery to place some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother.
As he started back toward his car, his attention was diverted to another man
kneeling at a grave. It was ole Boudreuax. He seemed to be praying with a
great intensity and kept repeating, "Why didja hafta
ta die? Why didja hafta die? Why didja hafta die? Why didja hafta die?"

The man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with
your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent, A
wife?"
"Aw non," said Boudreaux somberly, "Ma wife's furst husbun!"

[Bay Gal]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[Galveston Yankee]

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.



Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.



The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."



The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"



"Denise," the doctor answers.



The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"



The doctor replies, "Denephew."

[-JAW-]

A popular Texas bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A woman came in for a drink and the robot took her order and then asked her, "What's your IQ"?
The woman replied, "130".
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.
The woman listened intently and thought, "This is really interesting".

A guy came in for a drink and when the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about the football, baseball, NASCAR and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".

Another guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70".
The robot then said, "So, how are the Aggies going to do this year?"

[Flynm]

Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house. Becky who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either use it or throw it over her shoulder. Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them away". Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

[perch]

Mrs. Boudreaux & Mrs.Thibodeaux--fr pm



One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana. The next morning
the
resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs.
Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux,
waiting for help to come.

Mrs.Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house, then she
saw it float far out into the front yard then float back to the house.
It
kept floating away from the house then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you
see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back
again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husban, I tole dat
jackass he gonna cut the grass today, come hell or high water*

[Snagged]

You might be aRedneck if:

1. It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase,"One nation, under God."

2. You've never protested about seeing the10 Commandments posted in public places.

3. You still say"Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

4. You remove your hat and bow your head when anyone prays.

5. You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play our National Anthem --- and men you have your hat in your hand. If you've served in the military you stand at attention --- PROUDLY (with tears in your eyes).

6. You treat Vietnam vets with great respect and always have.

7. You've never burned an American flag, but would kick someone's butt that did.

8. You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

9. You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

10. You'd give your last dollar to a friend.


God Bless the USA! And God Bless Our Troops!

[-JAW-]

A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to make love to a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "$h111t! From way back thar I thought you said 'Goat'."

[Snagged]

REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK:

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza
shop, place an order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride
home with them.

[Bay Gal]

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of
Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer coloured.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum
skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer
so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with
fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over
to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defence
electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your
land speeder.

You ever fantasised about Princess Leah wearing Daisy
Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you
have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that
Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to
treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with
redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the
cantina scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle"

[-JAW-]

A young Aggie student, proud of himself and excited, and out of breath, tells his father: "I saved on a fare, I followed my bus home on my feet instead of getting in."
But his father tells him: "You fool, if you ran after a taxi you would save ten times more.

[Bobby]

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the
night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"

[-JAW-]

Q: How many Texas A&M freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

After a long wait, two Texas A&M graduates finally get jobs at a sawmill. It was their first day on the job. Suddenly one screams "OOUUUCCHHHH!!! I lost my finger!" The other glances over, "Oh yeah, how did you do that?" "Well, I was just trying to touch this big spinning wheel like thi… Darn! There goes another one!!" .

I heard that the Aggie's Head Football Coach was only dressing twenty players for the upcoming battle against Oklahoma State. He said the rest can dress themselves.

Q: How many Texas A&M students does it take to change a tire?
A: Only one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Aggie fan with a pig?
A: Trick question, there are some things a pig just wont do.

Q: Why do Texas A&M graduates hang their diplomas from their rear view mirror?
A: To justify their handicap parking.

Q: Why don't the Aggies have ice on their sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

An Aggie grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. So he goes down to the travel agent and hands over the cash. The travel agent hits him over the head with a bat, stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the back window onto a raft and cuts the raft loose. The Aggie grad wakes up to find himself adrift, along with another Texas A&M grad. The first grad says, "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise."
The second replies, "They didn't last year."

Q: What does the average Texas A&M football player get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get a Texas A&M grad off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizzas.

[-JAW-]

Q: How many Texas A & M freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

After a long wait, two Texas A & M graduates finally got jobs at a sawmill. It was their first day on the job. Suddenly one screams "OOUUUCCHHHH!!! I lost my finger!"
The other glances over, "Oh yeah, how did you do that?”
"Well, I was just trying to touch this big spinning wheel like thi..****! There goes another one!!"

I heard that Texas A & M's Head Football Coach was only dressing twenty players for the upcoming battle against Texas. He said the rest can dress themselves.

Q: How many Texas A & M students does it take to change a tire?
A: Only one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Texas A & M fan with a pig?
A: Trick question, there are some things a pig just won’t do.

Q: Why do Texas A & M graduates hang their diplomas from their rear view mirror?
A: To justify their handicap parking.

Q: Why doesn't Texas A & M have ice on their sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

An Texas A & M grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. So he goes down to the travel agent and hands over the cash. The travel agent hits him over the head with a bat, stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the back window onto a raft and cuts the raft loose. The Texas A & M grad wakes up to find himself adrift, along with another Texas A & M grad. The first grad says, "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise.”
The second replies, "They didn't last year."

Q: What does the average Texas A & M football player get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get an Texas A & M grad off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizzas.

A Texas student and an Texas A & M student are walking down the road when the Texas student says, "How sad. . . A dead bird."
The Texas A & M student looks up and says, "Where, where?"

[Red_King]

Just a couple more...

Q: What do you call an Aggie after he graduates?
A: BOSS!


Two Aggies go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One Aggie turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other Aggie says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[GinMan]

Texas Aggie Ace Pilot
It seems that a young Texas Aggie volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese
fighter planes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in
for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake."

[MarcusT]

LOL!!! Made my day!!!

[-JAW-]

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The swelling throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get somewhere, but never budged from the sidewalk.

The cop ran the traffic through seven more cycles, each time blowing his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!" The blonde never moved.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the eighth time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"

[-JAW-]

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her sister, Beth. When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her sister had named the twins, she became very worried, because Beth wasn't a very bright woman. She was sure she had named them something absurd or stupid. When she saw her sister she asked her about the twins. Beth said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What did you name her?!?"
Beth: "Denise!" The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Beth: "The second one was a boy."
The Mom:
"Oh, and what did you name him??"
Beth: "Denephew."

[Flynm]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were

in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were

strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost

everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart

and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno.

I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady

in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The

walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above

the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached

the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse

order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous

24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son,

--- "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

[muzzleloader]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other, and then asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "is there a 710 on this one"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

[Bobby]

Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and--because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain
in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.



This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling
techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.



Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month), the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000.

"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch do you t'ink dey gonna send
to Iraq first?"

[-JAW-]

A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The man, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?"

"Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you, huh? Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

[Crawdaddy]

Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.

Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin'
an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"

Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,

"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."

[ComeFrom?]

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman who was engrossed
in her newspaper.

One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news.

Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[ComeFrom?]

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a woman who was engrossed
in her newspaper.

One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news.

Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[Bobby]

She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote
"Sagittarius."
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

[-JAW-]

Did you hear the one about the blonde Coyote? It got caught in a trap, chewed its leg off and was still stuck!

[fishtherapy]

walking along a sidewalk by a wooden fence this young man heard 13,13,13 being chanted by a group of people . ( not realizing it was the state hospital for the mentally challenged ) . So; he slows his walk down and out of curiosity , he sticks his eye in a knothole in the fence and someone pokes him in the eye . Then the chanting changes to 14,14,14

[Snagged]

YOU HAVE GOT TO READ ABOUT MR. BUFORD


BUFORD


DOESN'T IT SEEM THAT MORE AND MORE PHYSICIANS ARE RUNNING THEIR PRACTICES
LIKE AN ASSEMBLY LINE? HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED TO BUFORD:

BUFORD WALKED INTO A DOCTOR'S OFFICE AND THE RECEPTIONIST ASKED HIM WHAT HE
HAD.
BUFORD SAID, SHINGLES.
SO SHE WROTE DOWN HIS NAME, ADDRESS, MEDICAL INSURANCE NUMBER AND TOLD HIM TO HAVE A SEAT.
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER A NURSE'S AIDE CAME OUT AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD. BUFORD SAID, SHINGLES.
SO SHE WROTE DOWN HIS HEIGHT, WEIGHT, A COMPLETE MEDICAL HISTORY AND TOLD BUFORD TO WAIT IN THE EXAMINING ROOM.
A HALF HOUR LATER A NURSE CAME IN AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD.
BUFORD SAID, SHINGLES.
SO THE NURSE GAVE BUFORD A BLOOD TEST, A BLOOD PRESSURE TEST, AN ELECTROCARDIOGRAM, AND TOLD BUFORD TO TAKE OFF ALL HIS CLOTHES AND WAIT
FOR THE DOCTOR.
AN HOUR LATER THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD.
BUFORD SAID, SHINGLES.
THE DOCTOR ASKED, WHERE?
BUFORD SAID, OUTSIDE ON THE TRUCK. WHERE DO YOU WANT THEM?

[grayfish]

A ventriloquist is touring clubs in Florida. With his dummy on his knees, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the audience stands on her chair and shouts, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential!" The embarrassed ventriloquist starts to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

[TXPalerider]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The wise man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[Reel-tor]

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F _ _ _-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"


As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.




Judy was pulled over for speeding by a Pennsylvania State Trooper on the Pa Turnpike. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. He replied, "No, State Troopers don't have balls." There followed a long moment of silence while she smiled and it dawned on him just what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing so hard she couldn't even start her car for several minutes!


A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circleflies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well, yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ***?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ***." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though."


Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"



On February 3, 1998, a Renton (Seattle Area) man tried to commit a robbery. this was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice.

1) The target was H&J Leather and Firearms, a gunshop.

2) The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry handguns in public places.

3) To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County Police patrol car parked at the front door.

4) An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.

5) Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots.

6) The officer and the clerk promptly returned fire, quickly removing the would-be robber from the gene pool.

7) Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.


A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody

[dicklaxt]

It seems these ladies all worked together in a secretarial pool. The Brunette noticed that quite frequently the boss(another lady) would leave around 2:00pm and not return to work that afternoon.She mentioned this to the Redhead and the Blonde and they all decided that when this happened next they would wait a few minutwes and they too would leave for the day.

The day soon arrived and they all left to do their own thing,the Brunette went shopping ,the Redhead went to the gym and the Blonde went hiome for a nap.

The Blonde put her key in the door and opened it as quitely as she could because her husband worked nights and would be sleeping. She eased the door shut and thought she heard noises coming from the bedroom so she eased the bedroom door open and what a sight she saw. There was her husband making love to her boss.

She quitely closed the door and went back to work. A few days pass by and the boss leaves early again. The Brunette and the Redhead grab their purses and stop at the Blonde's desk saying come on lets go. The Blonde who is typing away just looks up and says ,I'm not going with you today ,I nearly got caught last time.

[blast&cast89]

You might be a redneck if you dont wear a shirt to work and neither does your husband.

[fishinfella]

A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever. The
other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until
the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might
to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in
the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her
head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow
down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart
manager came out and unplugged it.

[pelican]

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's going' on up here? We're having' a grand time downstairs!" One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

[pelican]

A Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."

"Oh, No!" she said.

But Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.


The Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"

"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter. Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

[grayfish]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last moments before the crash.

They were not surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!"

But the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Arkansas, Alabama and Kentucky were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."

[Snagged]

Job Test

"Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Norwegian says, "Dat is
easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree
make nine," says the Norwegian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time the
number is 99."

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then
picks up the picture that he has just drawn and
makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How
on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree,
and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to
actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says,
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."

The Norwegian stares into space some more,
then he picks up the picture again and makes a
little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be
nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Norwegian leans forward and points to the
marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little
dog came along and **** by each tree. So now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd,
and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred.
So, when I start?"

[Snagged]

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"



Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".



Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning.

Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

[Bandman]

Irish Wisdom

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with humility, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,

"Don't sell that cow."

[boat_money]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!

[dicklaxt]

Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me, Little Lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

[-JAW-]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Texan A&M grad. were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building in Houston. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The Texan A&M grad. opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The A&M grad. opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Lit. writer's wife.

The Texan A&M grad's mom said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunch!

[dicklaxt3]

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.
__________________________________________________ ____

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!
______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,!
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
__________________________________________________ _____

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
__________________________________________________ _

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.
She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
__________________________________________________ __

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
__________________________________________________ _____
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE

[stargazer]

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

``````````````````````````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.

``````````````````````````````````

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

``````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

``````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." --A congressional candidate in Texas.

``````````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

``````````````````````````````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

``````````````````````````````````

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

``````````````````````````````````

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

``````````````````````````````````

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

``````````````````````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

``````````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[-JAW-]

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as the "critter".

[-JAW-]

A high school cheerleader in Texas (a friend of Chelsey ?) was trying to raise some money for a trip her squad hoped to take. So she went around her neighborhood knocking on doors and asking if there were any odd jobs she could do. She knocked on one door and the man who answered told her that if she wanted a job he would pay her $300 to paint his porch. She happily agreed. The man said to come back the next day and he would have the paint and brushes all ready for her.

The cheerleader rushed home from school next day, changed into some old (but still VERY stylish) clothes and ran to the man’s house. When she knocked on the door the man opened it and gave her 4 gallons of white paint and two brushes, and her told her to take her time and do a good job painting.. He figured to himself that it might take her two afternoons to finish, since his porch ran all the way around the house.

Imagine his surprise when less than an hour later the cheerleader knocked on his door again and said to him that she was all done!

“Oh, and by the way,” she told him, “It’s not a Porch. It’s a Mercedes!”

[-JAW-]

from Snakeman's Joke List:

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd.

They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."





VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!





Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot and continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting neither."





BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!





Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Larson appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag and pulls out a live chicken.

Larson grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down and hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head . . ."First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting . . . and now Larson hengliding!"



:rybka:

[neckdeep]

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".....Mexican Joke submitted by Alan. The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

[mastercylinder]

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were
receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead
cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet. The professor
started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving the animal body. For an example, the
Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his
finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students The students freaked out, hesitated for
several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking
a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and
sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
and told them, "The second most important quality is
observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked
on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[muzzleloader]

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside
him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his
nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.

"Oh man...I've been transferred to Louisiana," the other guy answered.
"There's crazy people in Louisiana and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in Louisiana all my life, and
it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your
own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as
anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck in Shreveport!"

[pelican]

Mike and Harry are sitting in a boat fishing when all of a sudden Mike says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."





Harry puts more bait on his hook and slowly says, "You better think it over …


















- women like that are hard to find."

[grayfish]

Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy
but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along
with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why
you're so happy." She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all
the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that
she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be
happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you
mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are
going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after
getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....


"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had
a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!

[-JAW-]

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?

A: For throwing out all the W's.

[-JAW-]

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. She marks the answer sheet 'true' for heads and 'false' for tails.

Within fifteen minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the next few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam," she replied. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

[MarcusT]

LOL!!!!

Lets keep it going!!!!!!

[dicklaxt]

Billy Bob And Rufus Worked Together In A Kentucky Clothing Factory And Both Were Laid Off So They Went To The Unemployment Office.

When Asked His Occupation, Billy Bob Said "panty Stitcher..... I Sew Elastic Into Ladies Cotton Panties"..... The Clerk Looked Up "panty Stitcher" And Put Down It Was Listed As Unskilled Labor, So She Put Him Down For $300 A Week Unemployment Pay.
She Asked Rufus His Occupation And He Said, "diesel Fitter", Which Was Listed As A Skilled Job.... She Put Him Down For $600 A Week....

When Billy Bob Found Out He Was Furious! He Stormed Back Into The Office To Find Out Why His Co-worker Got Twice The Money......the Clerk Explained, "panty Stitchers Are Unskilled, And Diesel Fitters Are Skilled Labor"

"what Skill?" Yelled Billy Bob. I Sew The Elastic On The Panties And Rufus Puts 'em Over His Head And Says, "diesel Fitter"....!!!!

[dicklaxt]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a brunette, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from North Central Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a redhead, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from West Virginia University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in

[grayfish]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"

"No, ma'am .... but, I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[-JAW-]

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" -- 1. Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" -- Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Floppy" -- When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" -- 1. How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" -- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" -- First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" -- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" -- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" -- What leaves those little turds in da cupboard.

"LAN" -- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" -- What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

"Bit" -- A wager, as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

"Digital Control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"Packet" -- What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

"Space bar" -- Where aliens and astronauts go when they are thirsty.

"Backspace" -- The place in back of front seat of the car where you keep a case of beer.

"Alt" -- Form of verb "be" like, "I alt be gone now."

"Delete" -- The lighter object like, "Don't gimmy the heavy one, gimmy the delete one."

"Disc" -- What you do before you plow, to level the ground.

"Ram" -- Dodge pick up truck.

"Refresh" -- Mix another Jack Daniels and 7.

"Web" -- DUH? should be obvious. What spiders make, tickles yer butt when you gotta go while in the woods.

"Edit" -- Past tense of "eat" "Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?" " You edit afore you passed out las nite.

"Gig" -- Frogging implement; frog gig. Used while air boating. A bamboo, or fiberglass pole with straightened fish hooks on the business end for spearing frogs.

"Internet" -- Where her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).

"Computer Chips" -- What you git when your computer takes a dump, sorta like cow chips.

"Scanner" -- What you listen to the police band on.

The following were taken from Net Dummy Humor.

"Log On" -- How to Make da wood stove hotter.

"Log Off " -- Don't add da wood.

"Monitor" -- What you do when you suspect your wife of cheatin.

"Megahertz" -- When a big log drops on your bare foot in da morning.

"Microchip" -- What's left in da bag when da chips are gone.

"Laptop" -- Where da grandkids sit.

"Software" -- Them plastic picnic utensils, eh? (Canadian)

"Mainframe" -- Da part of da house that holds up da roof.

"Port" -- Where da commercial fishin boats dock.

" RAM (Random Access Memory)" -- Whan you can't remember how much you spent on da new deer rifle when Wifee asks about it.

"Fonts" -- That really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.

[-JAW-]

Two good ole boys from West Texas went hunting. They were named Billy Bob and Jimmy Joe. Billy Bob said to Jimmy Joe, "Shoot at any deer that moves."

They both went to different deer stands. Well, Billy Bob had forgot his chew and went to ask Jimmy Joe for a pinch of Skoal. When Bill Bob started going over to Jimmy Joe, Jimmy Joe shot him.

Jimmy Joe took him to the hospital and the doctor came out Jimmy Joe asks, "Will Billy Bob be O.K. Doc?"

The doctor replied, "Sure might be . . . if you hadn't field dressed him out there in the brush."

[-JAW-]

Bobbey Ann passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"

[-JAW-]

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds . . . IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

[Shallow Minded]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.



Caution ...They Walk Among Us:eek:


=========

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."



They Walk Among Us!:eek:


==========

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . .



They Walk Among Us!:eek:


==========

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."



They Walk Among Us!:eek:


==========

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.


They Walk Among Us!:eek:


==========

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.


They Walk Among Us!:eek:


==========

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.



They Walk Among Us!:eek:


=========

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"



They Walk Among Us!:eek:


=========

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.



Yes, They walk among us…and they reproduce!:eek:

[Brew]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bets twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all Southerners are stupid and not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men.

[Dr. Krol]

Now this is a good one especially if you like blonde jokes...It's OK guys we can take it...LOL

Enjoy.

Dr. Krol


A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,SWEATING AND PANTING.




"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.


"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.


HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S


DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY!


UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"





THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR.


SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.





"YOU ROTTEN S.#&.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A


HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"





READ THIS TO FIVE BRIGHT, FUNNY WOMEN YOU KNOW AND MAKE


THEIR DAY! And tell it to the men who can take it...

[Oldeman]

A single, blonde, pregnant girl goes to the grocery store. A
couple that she knows notices she's pregnant.

The lady asks her, "Whose baby is it?"

The blonde says, "Well, I don't know they are going to do blood
tests, but I think it's mine."

[baldhunter]

Two Texas rednecks are out fishing and sipping beer,while discussing bird dogs and NASCAR,Leroy suddenly says"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife---she hasn't spoken to me in over six months".Bubba sips his beer and says"You better think it over---women like that are hard to find".

[shrky57]

If Bill Gates was a Redneck named Billy Bob Gates....



Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with duct Tape and a Hefty Bag
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunken redneck yelling Free bird!
Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Sweet Home Alabama
PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++
Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?
Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
Instead of asking "where do you want to go today? it's more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ridein the back?
Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad

[Piggyperch]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or a Redneck? Here is a little test that will
help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following situation and
question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and
charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You
have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question. Does the man look
poor? Oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we
run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was
stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a
consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....
(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ...

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?"

Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"

Wife: "You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!"

[Brew]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .... an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

[grayfish]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. Im scared. I Think I'm going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

[Brew]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .."
He sighed................ "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[FishinChick©]

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud
Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum
skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the
dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense
electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your
land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke
shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get
in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the
Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood
deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina
scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."

[bvdrangs]

Monday: It's fun to cook for Ron. Today I made an angel food cake. The recipe said to beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to lend me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Ron wanted fruit salad. The recipe said to serve without dressing, so I didn't dress. What a surprise when Ron brought a friend home for dinner.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said to wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it helped the rice any.

Thursday: Today Ron asked for a salad again. I tried a new recipe that said to prepare the ingredients and lay on a bed of lettuce an hour before serving. Ron asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Ron did the shopping today and brought home a chicken and asked me to dress it for Sunday. Oh boy! For some reason Ron keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Ron's folks came to dinner today. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Goodnight Dear Diary: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe for Ron. If I can talk Ron into buying me a larger oven, I am going to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

[dicklaxt]

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations! keep their rest-room's so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[Bay Gal]

What's Your Southern Sign?


OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. Older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Mt. Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't bother me about it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good hands.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are a Collard, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, so maybe you should think about joining a club... Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best ~ your friends and loved ones ~ may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, also, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends.You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat mating possibility. Not every mole hill has to be a mountain.

I'm a Catfish! LOL :spineyes:

[grayfish]

An Aggie furniture dealer from Texas, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he
could find.

After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home in College Station.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the
small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was
the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and
motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language
so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took
a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left
the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing
romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a
picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of
a four-poster bed.

To this day, that Aggie has no idea how she figured out he was in the
furniture business.

[vjer1]

Went to a friends house and noticed she was ironing but had both ears bandaged. "Hey girl, what happened to your ear?" I asked.
"I was ironing clothes and I got a call on my cell. Well when it rang, I grabbed the iron instead of the phone.
"Ouch!" I said. What happened to the other ear?" I asked.
"They called back!"....LOL

[Dr. Krol]

Ok Ladies... No red marks please ...we're just havin fun here...

Really...

Dr. Krol



Ask The Blonde!


Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they finally stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

[DawnPatrol]

A man who just died is delivered to a College Station mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The Aggie mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the Aggie presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."


"So I just switched the heads."

[word-doctor]

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Ole started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom.

To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Ole asked.

"Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's vhy, " answered Lena.

"Vat you talking about, " said Ole as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress...hello Lars...five dress...”

[fishinfella]

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

[DawnPatrol]

Two Aggie Attorneys go into a restaurant and the wait person comes around and takes their drink order. While she is gone they break out their own sandwiches and begin to eat

When the wait person arrives with their drinks, she notices the sandwiches and says, bringing in your own food is not allowed. The Attorneys looked at her politely said okay then exchanged sandwiches.

[Dr. Krol]

Here is a Wednesday Grin.....:wink:

Enjoy...Please no Red Marks Ladies

Dr. Krol


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out

across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately

the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.



The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.



The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway

sees a man crying on the side of the road

and pulls over.



She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,

"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."



The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,

bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.



The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them

and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops,

turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,

turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again,

until he hops out of sight.



The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?) (This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off

and not read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance) (OK, here it is)





It says,

"Hair Spray -

Restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."

[grayfish]

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and A Hillbilly kid are in
the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game.
"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing,"
says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the
biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what
he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test
and read out loud from a new book . And during recess, my friends and I
played Let's see who has the largest weenie.

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Edward and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the
biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

[muzzleloader]

A blonde reports for her university final exam, which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within 30 minutes she's all done, while the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening. 'I finished the exam in a half hour,' she replies, 'and as I have more time left, I'm rechecking my answers.'

[Aggiedan]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
> a "peel and win"
> sticker on her coffee cup.
>
> So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won
> a motor home!
>
> I've won a motor home!"
>
> The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest
> prize is a free
> Lunch.?"
>
> But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor
> home! I've won a
> motor home!"
>
> Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am,
> I'm sorry, but
> you're
> mistaken.
>
> You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because
> we didn't have that
> as a
> prize.
>
> The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a
> motor home!"
>
> And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE
> reads...
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "W I N A B A G E L"

[spotsndots]

Two hillbillies, Ed and Red, walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to
turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm and the
obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the
hillbilly walked slowly back to the bar.

His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!

[HEAVYDUTYCHEVY]

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger..."
"Howdy, Sheriff..."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its
tail and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped
the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the
swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on, Mister..."
"Sheriff?"
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.

[mehansen]

A UT Longhorn decided to go riding one day. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. He tried to keep his seat, but with one foot hooked in the stirrup, he went head first over the side. With his head bouncing up and down, the horse just wouldn't let up. Finally, just as the Longhorn was giving up and losing consciousness, the Walmart employee came out and unplugged the horse.

[DawnPatrol]

An Aggie engineering student was working in a scrap yard during his summer vacation, repairing construction equipment.
One afternoon, he was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it he started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
As he was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices ever known came along and asked him what he was doing. The young Aggie patiently explained that if he heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so he could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" the apprentice asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into the Aggie's mind (I know not from where.)
"Yes," he said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then the apprentice's face cleared.
"You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

[Mrs Backlasher]

I pilfered this from another website - hope it isn't a repeat!

You Might Be a Redneck Pilot If:

1. Your stall warning plays DIXIE .

2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.

3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks.

4. You've ever used moonshine as AV-Gas.

5. Your 172's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude.

6. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

7. You've ever taxied around the airport just drinking beer.

8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.

9. You use an old sweet mix sack as a windsock.

10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut."

11. You've never flown a nose-wheel airplane.

12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy."

13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is three grocery bags from Piggly Wiggly.

14. You have a gun rack in the rear window.

15. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling on.

16. You figure mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations.

17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying.

18. You've never landed at an actual airport even though you've been flying for over 20 years.

19. You've ever ground looped to avoid hitting a cow.

20. You consider anything over 500-ft AGL as High Altitude Flying.

21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere."

22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for your area.

23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the right side and tobacco on the left.

24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing.

25. You use an old parachute for a portable hanger.

26. You've ever landed on Main Street for a cup of coffee.

27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different.

28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice and some small copper shoes hanging from the Magnetic Compass.

29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.

30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical stabilizer.

31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller.

32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather be fishing."

33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations.

34. You think an ultra light is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.

35. Just before the crash, everybody on the UNICOM heard you say, "Hey Y'all-Watch This!"

36. You use your airplane for camping.

37. You still have a CB radio and a "Handle" (Callsign) in your plane, truck, or bass boat.

[baldhunter]

Boudreaux the Baptist



Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in Central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden to eat meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest about it.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,"You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

[-JAW-]

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage



:rybka:

[bountyhunter]

Daily Tips
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out Tips
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the Restaurant
may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home Tips
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.

Personal Hygiene Tips
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of Finger foods.

Dating Tips (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance such as,
"Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

Weddings Tips
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the
sack.

Driving Etiquette Tips
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

[Mrs Backlasher]

Oh, that's hilarious!!!

[Bobby]

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE People here in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the ten Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

Ten Commandments, Cowboy Style.

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?

Y'all have a good Day.
Ye hear now ?
"THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU"

[Oldeman]

Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking
really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what
the problem was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and
Clothile done had our first fight last night."

Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight
about?"

Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope."

Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows
dat Clothile is Catholic."

Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope
was too."

[podnuh]

Boudreaux & Band-Aids (that's pronounced BOO-dro, for y'all not familiar
with Louisiana)
Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening
with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he
landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially
painful.
Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to
bed.
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

[golfpro02]

A young blonde woman in Rockport, Texas, was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the bay.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day".

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Port Aransas Ferry!"

[Old Whaler]

Lol

[Spots and Dots]

hehehehe

[dicklaxt]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.
I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool,
you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both
barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the a**?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."



Don't mess with old farts . . . .

[dicklaxt]

Two good ol' boys bought a couple of horses that
they used to make some money during the summer.


But when winter came, they found it cost too
much to board them. So they turned the horses
loose in a pasture where there was plenty to
eat. 'How will we tell yours from mine when we
pick them up?' one of them asked the other.
'Easy,' replied the other. 'We'll cut the
mane off mine and the tail off yours.'


By spring, the mane and tail had grown back
to normal length.
'Now what are we going to do?' asked the
first.
'Why don't you just take the black one?' said
the second. 'And I'll take the white one.'

[Piggyperch]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The
morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Darryl and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together. Darryl arrived
first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Darryl said, "Yup, his
face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer
in, to confirm the identify of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba
had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?", asked the mortician.

Yup, I never seed 'em, but everyone knew he had two a**holes. Every
time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two
a**holes."

[Dave Kelly]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a liar"

[Capt. Lowtide]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to


the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line...just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was



trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla



fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."



The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too."

[roger1shot]

Retirement in Alaska

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and

buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his

door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's

Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party

Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some

local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink

with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?""Don't much matter . Just gonna be the two of us

[Old Whaler]

Three Rednecks were working high up on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and KC.


As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and
is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, dang,
someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."



Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable; you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said
to her, 'You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."....
then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

[big john o]

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster??"
"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead, raining a virtual duck poop storm down on them.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?"

[-JAW-]

A married couple were sleeping when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


***

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

***

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all*of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of*Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."



:rybka:

[grayfish]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The
blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees
to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word,
reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to
the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to
all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and
goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[golfpro02]

George W. Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big breasts."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you Donnie, no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

[fishinguy]

Collards is green

my dog's name is Blue

and I'm so lucky to have

a sweet thang like you.



Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze

Softer than Blue's

and without all them fleas.



You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You ain't got no scales

but I luv you anyway.



Yo're as satisfy'n as okry

jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"

right out of the can.



You have som'a yore teeth,

for which I am proud;

I hold my head high

when we're in a crowd.



On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, I'm in hawg heaven,

and awed by yore charms.



Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.



Like a good roll of duct tape

yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles

and fix what you can.



Yo're as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin' overhead.

You ain't mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.



Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.



When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Ain't nuttin' I lack.



Yore complexion, it's perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin'.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin'.



Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.



Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentine's Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

it's romantic that way.



Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

"That's impressive," I say.



Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever,"

they explain, suave and couth.



But for this man, honey, these won't do.

Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds...

IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!

[-JAW-]

from Snakeman's jokelist:

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats,exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It was not very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged,
approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!" asks the Officer.

"Oh . . . those are my emergency flashers!".

[rjohnson107]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak.





But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic--and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.



The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.



The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Confirmation Mass---and the Priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest
was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the Priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba,
clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer,
but now you is a catfish

[muzzleloader]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. Sorry, we dont sell bottom deodorant the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

But I always buy it here, the blonde says. I bought one last month. Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, I dont know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time. Sure, the blonde replies. Ill bring it with me tomorrow

The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. This is just a normal deodorant, the pharmacist tells the blonde, You use it under your arms.

No, it is not, the blonde answers, it says so here: To apply, push up bottom.

[jeepjoe]

Two Arkansas boys, Dick and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Dick turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tard of goin' through life without an education. Tomorr I thank I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Dick goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Dick says. "What's zat?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house"

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Dick shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's zat?"

Dick says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Yore queer ain'tcha Bob."

[-JAW-]

A State Trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of the Texas/Oklahoma state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Houston to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from the Panhandle, got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ***** straight to jail, cause there's no way in He!! I can pass that test.



:rybka:

[SEAHUNT186]

A friend of mine sent these and I thought I would share them.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one

blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or

the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"





A blonde pushes her B MW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it

died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just **** in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if

he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to

show it to you!"



There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees

another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get

to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts

back, "You ARE on the other side."



A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She

rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If

you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[rjohnson107]

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual


to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found


four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in


and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of


them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the


conference room table, the interviewer asked, "what is the fastest thing


you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied,


"a THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's


on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."





"That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And, now you, sir," he


asked the second man.





"Hmmm . . . let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know


that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.





"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very


popular cliche' for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was


contemplating his reply,





"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall


there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the


pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,


TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."





The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he


had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.





Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the


same question.





Old Bubba replied, "after hearing the previous three answers, it's


obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."





"WHAT?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.





"Oh sure," said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so


good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or


TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped in my pants."





*Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!*


**


You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart.

[Bobby]

The candidates this year are....


Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got
stuck and drowned in two feet of water after
squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place:
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who
"totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place:
Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , CA , as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free), rammed into the base
of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del , as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

As Ron White often says :
" You can't fight stupid."
These people prove it is a terminal condition.
As always, competition this year has been keen.


Third Place: (My personal favorite!)
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington , DC, appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms;
A gun shop specializing in handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work .

5. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with
a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.
No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter- stick of dynamite blew up in their car.
While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: TACOMA , WA !

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham 's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER...
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Sh-t happens."

[podnuh]

Before there were Aggie jokes and lawyer jokes, there were Polish jokes.
.................................................. ............................................

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American
girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got
along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce
would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this
case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland ."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good
DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at
drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read,
and it say,

'Polish Remover'."

[waterspout]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.





Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.

"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am

now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and

says."Who is Rosie O'Donnell ? http://www.2coolfishing.com/ttmbforum/images/icons/icon10.gif

[golfpro02]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

[Harbormaster]

A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of the Alamo.'
He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart. Go ahead and jump, you dumb-arse Yankee!" :biggrin:

[muzzleloader]

An engineer, an artist and a fisherman were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The engineer said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The fisherman said, " I like both".

Both ? the engineer and artist said together.


The fisherman replied " Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will asume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go fishing ".

[ripleyb]

Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys
suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them
fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true,
Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that
hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and
still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer." "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin ... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser
fer all them ugly women I been with?"

[-JAW-]

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on
vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors
were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out
and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on
and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later
in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde
struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CR@P! THIS ONE'S
BAREFOOT, TOO!"


joke from Snakeman

[tx-fisherdude]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home!

I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...


(Scroll down!!)




(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !






"W I N A B A G E L"

[-JAW-]

(mostly Jeff Foxworthy)

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.

You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

Your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

That billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunions looking for a date.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.



:rybka:

[tx-fisherdude]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN





The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at

the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,

and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.


St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest,

it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must

tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been
administering

an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to

pass it before you can get into Heaven."


Forrest responds, "It sure is

good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any
entrance

exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.


Life was a big enough test

as it was."


St. Peter continued, "Yes, I

know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.





First:

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:

What is God's first name?"


Forrest leaves to think the questions

over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and

says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,

tell me your answers"


Forrest replied, "Well, the

first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?

Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."


The Saint's eyes opened wide and

he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do

have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit

for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.


"How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about

that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."


Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?

Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds


in a year?"


Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's

got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "


"Hold it," interrupts St.

Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,

though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give

you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final
question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,

"it's Andy."


"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated

and frustrated St Peter.


"Ok, I can understand how you

came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the

world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"


"Shucks, that was the easiest

one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY

WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,

and said: "Run Forrest, run."

[-JAW-]

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.

After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line. When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in Baton Rouge."

[rendon]

The Naked Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the
street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the
walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the
world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says:

"Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the
bar down the road and this pretty little red head
asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I
did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and
asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to
pull off my pants .. so I did.
Then she pulls off h er panties and asks me to
pull off my s horts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind
of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ",
and here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist

[activescrape]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'CZWIXNOSTACZ'

Can you read this? the optician asked. "Read it? the Polish guy replied, I know the guy!

[BEER4BAIT]

lol have you seen a polish pirate yet?





















he's the one with a patch over both eyes

[activescrape]

51 years ago, Herman James, a mountain man was drafted by the army. On his first day of basic training, the army issued him a comb. That afternoon they sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the dentist yanked 7 of his teeth. On the third day, the army issued Herman a jock strap. They have been looking for poor Herman ever since. LOL

[-JAW-]

A Texas Aggie was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"

[redfish494]

I was sitting in the theater waiting through the previews when the main feature was about to start. This blonde sitting mid-way down stands up and starts for aisle, as I rose I ask where she was going. She said the message on the screen said to turn off your cell phone, and I left mine in my car.

[rjohnson107]

Three-Legged Race

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

[Tiny]

A man who just died is delivered to a Louisiana mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Boudreaux the mortician asks
the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that
the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Boudreaux a
blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, just have my husband in a
blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
suit fits him perfectly. She says to Boudreaux, "Whatever the suit cost,
I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How
much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, Boudreaux presents her with the blank check.
"Dere's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!"
shesays. "Honestly, ma'am," Boudreaux says, "it didn't cost me a ting.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue
suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a
black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he
looked nice."

"So, I just switched the heads."



http://www.2coolfishing.com/ttmbforum/images/icons/slimer.gif

I hope ya'll enjoyed and needed this as much as I did...Tiny

[drred4]

Quick thinking on his feet...



A game warden was driving down the road when he came
upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and
asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying
under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a
turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey
season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to
you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his
wing, I'll break your arm.
Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are
you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ***
and let him go!

[rjohnson107]

March 6, 1836

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. Col. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already.

As the three gazed at the hordes of (people) moving steadily towards them, Davy turned to Bowie with a
puzzled look on his face and asked, "Jim...are we landscaping today?"

[tx-fisherdude]

GOT TO LOVE ARKANSAS

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas ........ Documentaries.
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas . When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya? "No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania " The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania ?" "I'm a taxidermist," said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man says,"I mount animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

[ComeFrom?]

If someone in a Lowe’s store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Texas.

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas.

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas.

If “Vacation” means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas.


If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph—you’re going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Texas.

If you find 60 degrees “a little chilly”, you may live in Texas.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Texas friends & others, you definitely live in Texas.

[Fishin' Soldier]

STAY!!!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Local Shopping Centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.


https://webmail.us.army.mil/attach.msc?sid=&mbox=INBOX&uid=1626&number=4

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,

[Dave Kelly]

I give up. What did she say?

[Fishin' Soldier]

Why don't you just put the thing in Park.

Didn't know it didn't have the last part...sorry guys.

[seattleman1969]

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

If you slap a mosquito it stops sucking...

What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

If you lay a brick it won't follow you home.

[RickLued]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ...




(scroll down)



















































"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Fishin' Soldier]

Hahaha good one.