Bar Jokes:

[-JAW-]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra . . .

A young Texas Aggie walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Aggie replies, "About what?"



:rybka:

[-JAW-]

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"


A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus."

The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?"

The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"


A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"


:an2:

[-JAW-]

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please."

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."


A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?"

The pig says, "No, thanks, I’ll just go wee-wee-wee all the way home."


René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he'd like another drink.

Descartes says, "I think not." and disappears.


A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

"You're under 18," replies the barman.


Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"


:slimer:

[stangfan93]

A termite walks in to a bar and asks "Hey where's the bar tender?"

[-JAW-]

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . .


. . .


. . .


. . .


. . .



a packet of peanuts.”

The barman says, “Why the big pause?"



A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here."

The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand why!"



A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."



A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a West Texas saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."



A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.



:P

[txred]

Good Ones Jaw.....:)

[TomCat]

A skeleton walks into a bar and said “ give me a beer and a mop”

[-JAW-]

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"

The goldfish says, "Water."



A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"


:an2:


:rybka:

[-JAW-]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?"

The lady answers, "Never!"

The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"

The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."



:spineyes:


:rybka:

[-JAW-]

A man walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar is serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"

The man says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."


:rybka:

[-JAW-]

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"




:spineyes:

[-JAW-]

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?"

"Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman.

"Driving," says the man.

"That's the quickest way," says the barman

[EGT Limited]

A pirate walks into a bar..
The bartender says "you've got a steering wheel in your pants!"
The pirate answers.."AAARRRGGGHHHH it's driving me nuts"

[-JAW-]

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work."

The bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?"

The guy says, "I take care of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns."

The bartender asks, "Tough job, huh?

The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments! . . . And the dogs aren't too smart, either."

;)

[-JAW-]

A man goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?"

The bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."


:P

[-JAW-]

A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." So the bartender pours him a drink.

He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts."

He downs that one and says "Give me another drink before the trouble starts."

Finally, the bartender asks, "Just when is this trouble going to start?"

The man says, "The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don't have any money."



:rybka:

[CoastalOutfitters]

3 strings walk up to a bar, the first one tries to get in and the bouncer kicks him out, "we don't serve strings in this bar".
2nd one tries it , same results......
3rd string says "watch this", and twists himself up, messes up his hair real well and walks in, bouncer grabs him and says "hey, your another one of those strings, get out", the string replies........................"no, your mistaken, i'm a frayed knot"..............

[-JAW-]

This cowboy from Texas A&M walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper.

Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.


:P


:rybka:

[-JAW-]

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry."

The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have."

The bartender asks, "What have you got?

"Fifty cents," he replies.

;)

[-JAW-]

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man calls the bartender over. "Say, I must be losing my mind," he tells him. "I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar.

"The peanuts?"

"That's right, the peanuts. . . they're complementary."


:an2:

[-JAW-]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor.

The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?"

The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."


:spineyes:

[-JAW-]

A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!"

The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign--I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog."

The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: "I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!"

The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!"

The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog."

The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?"

The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"


:spineyes:

[-JAW-]

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his guide dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?"

The blind man answers, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."

[-JAW-]

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink.

His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are you doing? What's in your pocket?"

The guy says, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."


:spineyes:

[-JAW-]

A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. . . The month is up today."

;)

[-JAW-]

A New England Yankee (who shall remain unnamed) walks into a bar in the Deep South (in a state to be named at a later date) around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen's hats?"

The bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible. . . the three wise men came from afar."

:p

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Terrier + Bulldog

The bartender asked what they called it.

Thw man said it was called a "Terribull", a dog that makes awful mistakes.

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Pointer and a Setter.

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a "Poinsetter", a traditional holiday pet.

:spineyes:

:rybka:

[activescrape]

I have a cross between a bulldog and a schitzu. What should we call that??

[-JAW-]

I have a cross between a bulldog and a schitzu. What should we call that?? . . . Aaah, a dogzu? Mont wouldn't allow anything else! ;)

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel.

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a Irish Springer, a dog that always smells fresh and clean.


;)

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Bloodhound and a Labrador.

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

;)

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Malamute and a Pointer.

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a Moot Point, but . . . oh, well, it doesn't really matter.

:p



:rybka:

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Collie and a Malamute.

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a Commute, a dog that travels to work with its owner.

:an1:


:rybka:

[EGT Limited]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).





.... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Deerhound and a Terrier.

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a Derriere, a dog that sniff's butt and is loyal to the end.

:p

[mataboy]

a man came in to a 2 cool bar with a dog that had no legs ,they say whats his name; the owner said he aint got a name , how come he aint got a name ? the owner said he dont need a name ,he cant come if you did call him by name

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound.

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

:p



:rybka:

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund.

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a Pyradachs, a most puzzling breed.

:spineyes:

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso.

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a Peekasso, a somewhat abstract dog.


:D

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Collie and a Lhasa Apso.

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the 2Cool Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Spitz and a Chow-Chow

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

[-JAW-]

A man walked into the TOP Bar & Grill with a strange looking dog.

The bartender asked him what kind of dog it was.

The man said it was a new breed, a cross between a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever.

The bartender asked what they called it.

The man said it was called a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of doctors and laboratory researchers.


(note: last of the series . . . for now, anyways.)



:rybka:

[Third Wave]

There was this Bar in Billings, Montana.
A bear walked into the bar in Billings and asked the bartender for a beer.
The bartender said, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear gets a little upset and says, "I'm a big bad bear and I want a beer."
The bartender says, "I already told you. We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings!"
The bear is really upset now. He says to the bartender, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm gonna eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender just ignores the bear and the bear proceeds to gobble up the lady that was sitting at the end of the bar.
The bear says, "I told you I would, now give me a beer!"
The bartender says, "We don't serve beer to bears who do drugs."
The bear says, "Drugs? I don't do drugs!"
The bartender says, "Yes you do, that was a Barbituate. (bar-*****-u-ate)

[KEN KERLEY]

good ones! thanks for the uplift.